VIOLENT PANDA Wrestling Review: WPCW

Hilo

The DVD opens with a video montage set to Metallica circa 1991. Makes you feel like putting on flourescent green biker shorts! They show Teddy Hart walking in slow motion as Hetfield says “NOMAD, VAGABOND, CALL ME WHAT YOU WILL!” I say Teddy’s more of a drifter. The montage ends with a ref holding up AJ’s hand while Teddy Hart lies crumpled. I’ve never seen a company put a SPOILER in the opening of their own video, but I guess it was bound to happen.

Well the commentary pretty much tanks right out of the gate when commentator Cody Metcalf completely fumbles his opening line on while talking about the crowd and Teddy Hart:

Cody Metcalf: “They don’t know who he is but they know the Hart family name… They know that… seeing he’s younger and.. higher flier they’ll – get… their excitement.”

YEAH! It’s an indy show all right, and I wouldn’t have it any other way! Wait, yes I would.

Pretty much this is all Hart with Kaimana trying to rally. In this one match Teddy rolls out: A slingshot somersault out of the ring, moonsault to the concrete, spring moonsault, a backdrop driver variation (1)(Kaimana kicks out), Teddy’s cool top rope stump DDT (Kaimana kicks out), Teddy’s SSP (Kaimana KICKS OUT!?), and Teddy’s corkscrew legdrop (2)(gets the win). Not much of a story, more of a match that just showcases Teddy Hart. Couldn’t tell much about Kaimana, he threw some stiff kicks and that’s about it. My favorite part was where Kaimana had Teddy in a boot choke in the corner, and Teddy lifted his legs up, wrapped them around Hilo’s leg, and spun to the mat into a leglock (3). I personally would rather see Teddy do more of this kind of thing, as he comes up with interesting mat stuff and doing all the flippy stuff is going to make his career real short. Plus, tons of indy guys can do corkscrews. Raw creativity is much harder to come by. This is a good match to see just to be wowed by Teddy’s incredible aerial athletic ability. The worst part would be these guys kicking out of all these devastating moves in what is a fairly meaningless match.

Winner: Teddy Hart

Metal Maniac, your uncle in facepaint with an INSANELY HUGE mega-mullet comes out and cuts THE heel promo. “Hey kid, you know when your mom tells you she loves you every night? She’s LYINGGG.” BOO THIS MAN! And they do.

Metal Maniac vs. Jimmy Snuka: Snuka throws some nice chops and does the splash for the win. Short and a real basic, harmless wrestling match.

Winner: Jimmy Snuka

Brian Adams, I think he was the WWF’s Crush and was in the disastrous duo known as Kronik, comes out to introduce Bret Hart. Adams comes off like a real nice guy. Hart comes out and a woman gives him a lei.

Bret says the stroke he had has taught him a lot of life lessons. He says he had a great career and he appreciates and thanks the fans for always supporting him. He says while there’s rumors he’ll be at MSG for Wrestlemania, he says he’d rather be here in WPCW. He says he has some great memories of wrestling in Hawaii. He says he had a match with Owen in Hawaii that was one of the best experiences he ever had. He says it took him three months to learn how to walk again. Then he says he’s glad to be working with Snuka, Muraco, and his nephew Teddy Hart. That’s it.

HEY! They show a clip of the WWF Summerslam match Bret had with Owen. Haha Vince was on commentary and gives another of his throaty “classic” calls: “UNBELIEVABLE! UN-BE-LIEVABLE!” I was kind of hoping for his trademark “WHAT IS THIISSSS? OH MYYYYY!” WPCW stealing footage, FOR SHAME!

Kona

Ladder Match – Dark Ninja vs. Kaniala Kona: Ninja comes out in a japanese devil mask, and walks by the SMOKING HOT ringside photographer. The commentary is getting putrid, as they continue to growl every word and have nothing to say at all. The ladder comes out early on, Ninja goes for a senton off the midsection of the ladder and misses. Kaniala does his own senton bomb off the near top of the ladder and hits it. Then all of a sudden Perry Saturn runs in and destroys both guys.

Winner: Nobody

Hilo

AJ Styles w/ Don Muraco vs. Prince Iaukea: Iaukea wrestles barefoot, so AJ takes advantage of that and stomps on them a few times as Iaukea is winning a test of strength. AJ heels it up and then gets real scared when Iaukea starts kicking, AJ asks the ref to not allow kicking heh heh. AJ does a lot of stuff like this, where he does something annoying and then IMMEDIATELY gets his come-uppance. It’s awesome when wrestlers give like that, that’s what the little kids come to see and “smart” fans appreciate because we all know there isn’t an overabundance of guys who are willing to make themselves look like asses (in a worked sense) for the fans amusement. AJ busts out the sweet rana from the prone position, locks in some sleepers that get huge face support. Iaukea rallies out of that with some strikes and a headbutt that AJ gives the BACK ROLL SELL! Iaukea with a top rope stump DDT, ref counts but evil Don Muraco drags the ref out of the ring. Styles then hits Iaukea with a Styles Clash – Iaukea escaped it but Styles set it up again in a very fluid finishing ssequence. Styles with the handfull of tights picks up the win and the ire of many WCPW fans. This was an old school match with some new school spots. Fun stuff.

Winner: AJ Styles

Oahu

Man the commentary is getting worse. They call Sabu “SAHHH Bew” and they hype this as the greatest thing ever. Clearly these guys just stepped out of the early ’90’s. Sabu comes out, fans chant “EC DUB”?! This thing gets underway and Sabu is on fire with a SWEET swinging ddt and a beautiful air Sabu. Perry Saturn starts flinging chairs into the ring, and I mean he’s throwing heaters. Sabu busts Perry open with a spike, then Saturn goes on offense and hits a BRUTAL Michinoku Driver for two. These guys are not holding back at all. Jeezus Sabu with a beautiful top rope rana sending Saturn onto a chair! Then Sabu with the slingshot legdrop through the table (1) – good GAWD this match is awesome! They get back in the ring, trade punches, then both go for springboards at the same time and collide in mid-air (2) .. Man I’ve never seen that before, that’s a cool idea. Of course, Sabu being Sabu, he lands awkwardly and looks to be in extreme pain. Sabu with the chair kick in the corner (3). Sabu goes for another top rope rana but Saturn turns it into a SUPERBOMB ON THE CHAIR! That was no namby pamby superbomb, Saturn leapt out to the middle of the ring and DRILLED Sabu! They announce there’s one minute remain.. uh oh… Sabu spring moonsault.. only two. Two seconds left, another moonsault.. 1…2..3!

Winner: Sabu

That was great! Sabu was the guy from 1994 and Saturn was a STIFFNESS MACHINE! Saturn looked freaking dangerous in there, but hey these guys are pros right? Great match, right out of the best days of ECW. If you like matches with chairs and tables, you’ll like this. Very good stuff.

Extra Bonus Footage from Kona: Hmm ok this is footage of another Sabu vs. Perry match Joined In Progress. Sabu dives on Perry. Perry climbs on the apon, sticks his head through the ropes and Sabu CHUCKS A CHAIR OFF HIS HEAD! Sounded awesome. Ringside brawling – Perry hits Sabu with the ring bell.. Well he clearly MISSED, but Sabu sold it anyway. Saturn in the ring lands a MICHINOKU DRIVAHH for two! Saturn is really DRILLING Sabu with everything he does. Saturn tries to choke Sabu out with a chair. Saturn locks in a chinlock, there’s that WWE STYLE! Crowd immediately starts to rally for Sabu, but Sabu gets up way too quick. He could have milked that for some big heat, I think. Sabu with a springboard DDT, awesome. Sabu is executing like I have rarely seen him. Sabu with a slingshot legdrop out of the ring and through a table… unbelievable. Sabu covers 1..2.. Footage fades out?! HEY! I guess that was the good section of the match? Seriously, Sabu vs. Perry Saturn – great stuff. This would easily rank with ECW’s top brawls if this took place in EC DUB. There’s not much of a “story”, just pure insanity.

Metcalf then introduces a segment on the Samoan history of wrestling.. AND IT’S A CLIP FROM CONFIDENTIAL! Hahaha STICK IT TO THE MAN! Then we see Metcalf introducing the next match which has the “mega-superstar” Buff Bagwell. You know, that huge star that single-handedly destroyed the WCW InVasion angle right out of the gate with his horrid performance vs. Booker T? HE’S HERE! LIIVE! Let’s go to ringside for some grunting commentary with 0% genuine emotion! Hehe Metcalf points at the camera about 300 times during this one minute segment.

Hilo

Buff Bagwell & The HellRaisers vs. The Samoan Island Tribe (Samu, Manu & Jamal): Buff cuts a heel promo. Man look at that get-up he’s wearing. He sucks in more ways than anyone at any time since 1991. Samu cuts an unintelligible face promo. Loonngg stall before the start. Buff teases that he’s leaving because the fans are teasing him. Whew the commentary is unbearable as Metcalf growls (for some reason the commentators talk through gritted teeth through the entire tape): “The way I see it this is Good vs. Evil. With the Samoans being good and Buff being evil!” The stalling goes on FOREVER. Finally it gets going and the faces attack… ugh man this is atrocious. There’s an eternal wristlock, multiple rope-chokes (most useless move in wrestling?) and YAY a Buff HINEY spot. Yes Buff has nothing on under his tights proving once again WRESTLING IS TOO GAY. Ugh a Samoan tries to avoid a legdrop by rolling onto his stomach, but the leg still lands on his back and he doesn’t know whether to sell it. Ohhh god now a HellRaiser misses an elbow drop, but clearly wasn’t going to land an elbow because he was too busy making sure to break his fall with the elbow arm. ARGH REF BUMP! I HATE THIS GOD DAMN MATCH! KILL IT! Jesus, now Jamal CAN’T CLIMB TO THE TOP TURNBUCKLE! Finally.. FINALLY he gets close enough to the top for a HellRaiser to crotch him. A HellRaiser bodyslams Jamal and he completely NO SELLS IT! WHAT A PIECE OF SHIT! Ohh the finish.. Ohh god they totally messed it up.. I refuse to explain it, it is not worth the energy. NEGATIVE ONE HUNDRED BILLION STARS! FUCK THIS MATCH!

Losers: EVERYONE! THE WORLD IS WORSE OFF FOR THIS MATCH EXISTING!

Hilo

J.T. Wolfen vs. The Barbarian: Phew.. OK. Metcalf pronounces J.T.’s last name “woof-en” hehehe. Aww poor J.T., we can see your pee pee. Bastards like me put pictures of it on the internet, sorry fella, but someone must rebel against the widespread trend of TOO-TIGHT TIGHTS. It’s the only way they’ll learn! We have a major stallfest. Man this is a clinic in how to do as little as you can and not have people notice. Barbarian lands the big boot for the win after nothing more than chinlocks, wristlocks and a heel nutshot. Highway robbery, Barbarian owes those fans about $3.00 apiece, I say.

Kona

Ohhh here we go BAYBEH. Metcalf with a classic call before the opening bell: “The crowd has – hears the..sss – calm before the stor-mmm.” What does the calm before a storm like exactly? haha ok here we go! We start out with headlocks.. AJ kips – Metcalf calls it “nips up” like J.R. did. Now… what the heck, I am SURE it is “kip”. But is it “nip”? Anyone know? AJ athletically counters into a headscissors. Teddy goes into a headstand.. no back down.. Another headstand.. no, back down again. A third headstand (1), and Teddy is able to escape! He leaps forward into the headlock. See this is what I like, NEW IDEAS. Not only that, but this is very low-risk stuff, so it’s smart as well as fresh. AJ sends Teddy into the ropes and hits a BEAUTIFUL backflip dropkick into the POSE while Teddy sells WITH GUSTO! (2) Ohh Christ a little back and forth, AJ is on the concrete, Teddy goes for the SLINGSHOT FRONTFLIP RANA but Aj moves and Teddy just CRASHES TO THE GROUND! h here we go, Teddy is clutching the infamous knee. AJ goes for a diving body press, Teddy moves, AJ LANDS ON HIS FEET AND HITS THE ENZIGURI KICK! AJ follow up with a charging SOMERSAULT SENTON, lands squarely on Teddy – and AJ still LANDS ON HIS FEET! He is unbelievable. AJ covers Teddy in the ring, the ref has a brain fart and just crouches there staring. AJ finally lets go and yells at the ref: “COUNT THE PIN!” hahaha. Teddy rallies with a chop to the throat. HOLY – Teddy hits a backdrop suplex setup INTO A FACECRUSHAAA! (3) Teddy follows up with a gorilla press into a samoan drop.. Sweet. AJ busts a Styles Clash set-up out of nowhere, but Teddy backdrops out of it. Teddy climbs not the turnbuckle, but the ACTUAL TOP ROPE (4) and hits a spring moonsault. Teddy with the swinging DDT, camera goes out of focus for a sec. Teddy backdrop suplex into a leg choke/pin gets two. AJ gets whipped into the ropes, hits a springboard moonsault INTO A DDT OHH GOOD GAWD. Both men down.. AJ up, hits a great looking tornado roundhouse kick. Teddy sells a lariat with the COVETED SAMOAN FLIP SELL! SNAPPING powerslam gets two. Teddy suddenly busts out the TOP ROPE STUMP DDT(5)! AJ’s head RICOCHETS off the mat! Beautiful! Hahahaaa Teddy is lying on AJ, who is face down on the mat. The ref starts to count the pin! Teddy rolls over, 1..2.. AJ kicks. That ref is ON DOPE. AJ with the back suplex ROLLED INTO a facebuster. Gets two! Teddy converts an AJ rana attempt into a powerbomb. Hart goes up top – TEDDY MISSES THE CORKSCREW! AJ climbs up, Teddy shoves the ref into the ropes causing a crotching. Teddy goes for a top rope rana.. AGGHH AJ CONVERTS TO A TOP ROPE STYLES CLASH (6) AAHHHHHH 1, 2 3!!!

Winner: AJ Styles

Hohohoooo now that’s a spotfest baby! Great match!

Then we get a note that Teddy got beat by AJ in Maui and we see footage of the post-match. This was for the WPCW title, and AJ is the champ. Our buddy Crush puts the belt around AJ’s waist. I can’t believe WPCW thought we’d rather see The Barbarian than this second Syles/Hart match. BRET HART hits the ring and shakes AJ’s hand.. Now THAT’S a piece of wrestling history right there.

Then we see the company logo while Metcalf reads a statement about how the WPCW provided a tour that was refreshing and exciting, and delivers it with the gusto of a radio lawnmower ad. We see credits. Brian Adams was the booker.. That rules that they put that in there. Metcalf was the producer.

I got this DVD courtesy of IVP videos. They are selling this DVD for $5.99! You KNOW it’s worth it BAYBEH cause I just gave you the lowdown. Check them out herreee:

Hey! Did you read my latest VP Digest? You did? No you didn’t SHUT UP

So there you have it. We got a very good match in AJ vs. Teddy, and an AWESOME Sabu vs. Saturn, and a great Teddy Hart showcase match vs. Kaimano Hilo. That Hart match is a perfect introduction to the notorious one. These matches make this show completely worthwhile. On the downside, some of the matches royally sucked, the commentary was THE DRIZZLING SHITS, and there was only one camera, which was planted at ringside and will make you seasick. But overall, the positives far outweigh the negatives. I feel like I saw a secret gem in Teddy vs. AJ. Definitely check this out if you want to see two of the very best, cutting edge guys in wrestling today.