100 Percent Fordified: CHIKARA Whisper House & The Distant Future

Philadelphia, PA – 5.7.2016 – 2:00 PM

Championship Rundown
Grand Champion: Princess Kimberlee
Campeones de Parejas: N_R_G (Race Jaxon & Hype Rockwell)
Young Lions Cup Champion: The Estonian Thunderfrog

Commentary is provided by Mike Quackenbush and Bryce Remsburg.

Silver Ant vs. Frightmare

This is a rematch from “Top Banana.” Silver Ant takes Frightmare to the corner with strikes. He strings a slam and legdrop together for a quick one count. Frightmare ducks a running knee and hits a sole butt kick. Silver Ant comes back with a kick to the shoulder. Frightmare rolls to the floor, but Silver Ant follows with a suicide dive. They trade chops ringside. Silver Ant gets an armbar on the apron to stop Frightmare from sending him into the ring post. Silver Ant releases and comes off the apron with a running knee strike. Frightmare sweeps out Silver Ant’s legs from inside the ring when Silver Ant tries to get back in the ring. Frightmare then dives onto Silver Ant. Back inside Frightmare comes off the top with a dropkick to the chest. Frightmare avoids Silver Ant’s corner tiger feint kick, kicks him in the side of the head, then brings him in from the apron with a suplex for two. Frightmare chokes him on the middle rope and delivers a dropkick for two. He hits a standing moonsault for two. Silver Ant avoids a double stomp. He strings a low and high kick together. Frightmare ducks a clothesline and drops Silver Ant with an Ace Crusher for two. He Jon Woo dropkicks Silver Ant to the corner. He tries using the ropes for another dropkick, but Silver Ant kicks him away. He powerslams Frightmare for two. He tries for the CHIKARA Special but Frightmare rolls him away. Silver Ant dragonscrew leg whips Frightmare into the Cloverleaf. Frightmare gets the ropes to escape. Frightmare escapes a modified Angle Slam, but Silver Ant uses the ropes for a double jump dropkick. He hits the Blue Thunder Bomb for two. Frightmare avoids the Mad Splash and hits a yakuza kick. Instant Death (a pump-handle driver) gets him two. Silver Ant avoids the Kneecolepsy. He applies an ankle lock. Frightmare rolls him into a prawn hold, much like he did at “Top Banana.” This time, Silver Ant has it scouted, and he rolls back and pins Frightmare at 8:22. This was on par with their previous match, with both men looking very good and fighting as if they had something to prove. I always love when a finish ties back to a previous encounter, and it further showcases Silver Ant as the fantastic mat wrestler he is. ***

After the match, Frightmare attacks Silver Ant and hooks him in a jackknife pin to prove a point, I suppose. He yells some gibberish at Silver Ant. The fans chant “disappointment” at Frightmare as he heads to the back. Silver Ant recovers and gives the fans a pose before heading to the back.

Wani vs. Jonah Rogen

Wani gets in a back elbow and a shot to the back before catching Rogen with a fallaway slam. He pops him up, causing Rogen to crash into the mat. The running neckbreaker gets him the pin at 1:01. Wani making quick work of somebody is exactly what he should be doing in matches like this. ¼*

As Vlad is plugging the Wrestle Factory, Jakob Hammermeier makes his way to the ring. He calls out Princess Kimberlee, who makes her way down the aisle, to which he says even a queen submits to her king. Jakob says he saw Kimberlee’s video where she said all of Jaka’s savagery will not be enough to take the title from her. Jakob disagrees, stating the belt comes home to the BDK tonight. Jaka sneaks in from behind and gives her the Jumanji Bomb twice. Officials come out and send Jakob and Jaka away and check on Kimberlee. Jakob holds up the title belt and steals Kimberlee’s crown. Kimberlee gets on her feet, nursing her back as she heads backstage.

Azerbaijan says the Eastern European Outlaws have put together the best tag team ever (himself and the Proletariat Boar of Moldova). The Boar says after tonight, they will have two words for the CHIKARMY: one point.

The Batiri (Obariyon & Kodama) vs. The Bloc Party (The Proletariat Boar of Moldova & Mr. Azerbaijan)

Boar immediately pummels and stomps Kodama in the corner. Azerbaijan sneaks in some stomps of his own from the apron. Kodama sneaks in a headscissors, sending Boar to the apron. He springboard dropkicks Boar to the floor and hip tosses Azerbaijan as he enters. He stomps on his foot. Obariyon tags in. Azerbaijan resists his running shoulder blocks. Obariyon knocks him down with a flying forearm. Two knee strikes also take Azerbaijan down. The Batiri give Azerbaijan a double flapjack. They give Boar a Manhattan drop/running knee strike combo. Azerbaijan grabs Kodama’s foot from the floor, allowing Boar to get in a big boot. The Bloc Party beat down Kodama in their corner. Boar cuts off Kodama twice when Kodama is able to fight off Azerbaijan and go for a tag. Kodama finally makes the tag when he avoids a Gore and the Boar goes into the ring post. Obariyon comes off the middle rope with a swinging Frankensteiner to Azerbaijan. The Batiri maul Azerbaijan with a series of corner dropkicks. He rolls out and the Boar comes in with a boot to Kodama. He gives one to Obariyon as well for two. Boar misses an elbow drop off the second rope. Obariyon shows him up by connecting with a top rope flying elbow. Azerbaijan breaks up the cover. He gives Kodama a release suplex. He sets up for the Pump-Handle suplex. Kodama sends Azerbaijan to the floor and suicide dives after him. Obariyon looks to dive but Boar cuts him off with the Baconator. Boar looks for the Gore but eats Skull Bronzing instead at 10:10. This was serviceable but nothing memorable. It reminded me of the Battleborn match from January, where the Batiri worked hard, and their opponents did a good job, but the crowd didn’t get too into it and there wasn’t much of a story. **½

UltraMantis Black is shown sitting in his wheelchair ringside. The Batiri notice him and wonder what he is doing there. They go to check on him. Mantis holds up his hands, putting the Batiri in some sort of trance. Their demeanor turns sour and they, under Mantis’ instruction, wheel him away.

Soldier Ant vs. Hallowicked

They trade holds to start. Soldier Ant salutes and Hallowicked shoves him away. Hallowicked O’Connor rolls Soldier Ant with a back bridge. Soldier Ant escapes and brings Hallowicked up into a saluting abdominal stretch. Hallowicked hip tosses out and snapmares Soldier Ant into a knee strike to the lower back. Soldier Ant is sent to the ropes. Soldier Ant springs off the second rope into a back elbow smash for two. He forces Hallowicked to salute in a seated stretch. Hallowicked grabs Soldier Ant’s lone antennae, firing up Soldier Ant. However, Hallowicked hits a couple step-up knee strikes in the corner and lands a legdrop. He gives Soldier Ant a super snapmare for two. Go 2 Sleepy Hollow has the same result. Soldier Ant gets in forearms and chops in the corner. Hallowicked palm strikes Soldier Ant in his eyeport. He pulls on Soldier Ant’s antennae, so Soldier Ant grabs his stem and mares him across the ring twice. He gives Hallowicked a belly-to-back suplex and a falling headbutt for two. He locks on the Military Cross Kneebar. Hallowicked is able to grab the ropes to escape. Hallowicked brings him out to the apron looking for a piledriver. Soldier Ant backdrops Hallowicked into the ring to block it. He slams Hallowicked and gives him a chinbreaker before knocking him down with a forearm strike for two. He reapplies the Military Cross Kneebar. Again Hallowicked gets the ropes. Soldier Ant chops Hallowicked to the floor and follows with a suicide dive. Back in the ring Soldier Ant gets a two count with a high crossbody. Hallowicked goes to the eyes and antennae to get a Rydeen Bomb for two. Soldier Ant avoids a step-up enzuigiri. He slams Hallowicked and drops him with a 2k1 Bomb for two. Soldier Ant looks for the Military Cross Kneebar. Hallowicked rolls Soldier Ant up and drops him with Never Wake Up for the pin at 10:08.Like the opener this was a fun back-and-forth match. However, it lacked some urgency and didn’t have much of a story going for it. I’m sad the antennae stuff didn’t matter much in the end, but maybe it will down the line. **¾

Prakash Sabar says tonight “too sweet” becomes “three points” when he and Juan Francisco de Coronado defeat N_R_G. He says Coronado will make CHIKARA great again. Coronado himself says they make history tonight when they defeat the champions to get their third point. They are the United Nations, and N_R_G will fall before them.

N_R_G (Race Jaxon & Hype Rockwell) vs. The United Nations (Juan Francisco de Coronado & Prakash Sabar)

If Coronado and Sabar are able to defeat the champions, they will earn their third point and a future Campeones de Parejas match. Coronado and Jaxon stay in a collar-and-elbow tie-up, even when taken to the mat. Jaxon backs Coronado to the corner to break it. He ducks Coronado’s punch and delivers a chop. A Japanese armdrag goes right into an armbar. Jaxon overhand chops Coronado and tags in Rockwell. N_R_G double hip toss Coronado into a tandem elbow drop. Sabar’s headlock on Rockwell is pitiful, as Rockwell is easily able to pick him up. N_R_G kick his legs out and deliver stereo dropkicks to the sides of his head. Sabar comes back with a swinging Frankensteiner, but Rockwell takes him down with an armdrag. Sabar rolls outside. Coronado checks on him, but Jaxon dives off of Rockwell’s back onto both of them. Sabar grabs Jaxon’s leg as he tries heading back into the ring. Coronado enzuigiri’s Jaxon and gives him a slam. The former United Nations teammates keep Jaxon isolated with frequent tags and excellent tandem offense. Jaxon is able to escape Coronado’s Tiger Driver and send him outside with a Frankensteiner. He enzuigiri’s Sabar and tags in Rockwell. He steamrolls Sabar with a pair of clotheslines and a running boot for two. Rockwell stops a tonrado DDT and hits a Michinoku Driver. Coronado breaks the pin, Jaxon immediately nails a clothesline through the ropes on Coronado. Rockwell lands the Hyperwheel on Coronado. He goes for it on Sabar but he clips referee Troy Nelson when spinning Rockwell out. Sabar hits the X-Factor on Rockwell. Jaxon superkicks Sabar. Coronado gives Jaxon a Tiger Driver but there’s still no referee. “Mr. Touchdown” Mark Angelosetti comes out with a chair. He hands Coronado the chair, presumably encouraging him to cheat. However, when Coronado grabs the chair, Angelosetti does not let go. He releases it, and the referee sees Coronado with chair in hand and calls for the DQ at 11:38. That finish really bothered me. Typically, the referee has to see a foreign object being used to call for the DQ, not just see the weapon in a person’s hands. I get that it’s tied into the Touchdown storyline, but I don’t think that finish accomplished furthering that story any further. Basically, they could have done something different to accomplish the goal they set out to do, end the match on a more satisfying note, and not make N_R_G look kinda like chumps. That said, the wrestling was very good and a lot of fun. Coronado and Sabar have grown as a team to the point where I prefer watching Sabar team with Coronado over either Bloc Party member, and prefer Coronado in these matches more so than his singles stuff. ***

Princess Kimberlee is holding her neck in pain from the attack earlier. She says she knew Jaka would do something dirty or savage, but attacking her before the match from behind was not what she had in mind. She should’ve known better when Jakob beckoned her to the ring. She’s been beaten down before, but still remains Grand Champion of CHIKARA despite that fact. Jakob may have taken her crown and proclaimed himself King, but he has done nothing to earn that title. She plans to show Jaka exactly why she is the Grand Champion of CHIKARA.

Grand Championship
Princess Kimberlee vs. Jaka

Princess Kimberlee has been champion since 12.5.2015 and this is her fourth defense. Jakob Hammermeier is in Jaka’s corner wearing Kimberlee’s crown. Kimberlee is holding her lower back, still in pain from the earlier attack. Right away we get a flurry of strikes from both competitors. Jaka stops Kimberlee with a knee to the stomach and some headbutts. Kimberlee catches Jaka with a DDT. It has no effect, as Jaka pops up and superkicks Kimberlee to the floor. He suicide dives after her and heads back inside the ring. When Kimberlee comes back in, Jaka gives her another headbutt and chokes her on the mat. A backbreaker gets a two count. He also gets two with a release belly-to-belly suplex. A rib breaker and Muta elbow lead to a third two count. Frustrated, Jaka bites Kimberlee’s hand. Jaka gives her a splash in the corner, but his arrogant cover is of no use. He applies a bodyscissors. Afterwards he puts her in a bear hug, then slips her into a folding press for two. Jaka and Kimberlee engage in a chop exchange which Kimberlee comes out the better. Jaka reverses an Irish whip, sending Kimberlee to the corner and follows in with a shoulder tackle to the rib cage. Kimberlee catches Jaka in the opposite corner with an Anaconda Vise in the ropes. She releases before the five count, following up with a bulldog and a swift kick to the side of the head. Jaka gives her another corner splash to stop her momentum. He places Kimberlee on the top rope. She knocks Jaka down and attempts a Swanton Bomb, but Jaka moves and Kimberlee’s back crashes into the canvas. Jaka taunts Kimberlee, asking her to bring it. She gets in some shots and a schoolgirl for two. She manages to send Jaka outside and hit a baseball slide dropkick. He comes off the apron with a double axe handle. It has no effect, but she stops a strike and gives Jaka a Ganso Bomb on the floor! Kimberlee takes the opportunity to recuperate back in the ring as Jaka recovers from the blow. When Jaka comes back in, Kimberlee unloads with forearms and chops. Jaka reverses a whip but this time misses the corner splash. Kimberlee German suplexes Jaka for two. Jaka stops her with another headbutt and a dropkick. He sets up for a powerbomb. Kimberlee cascades out into a Yoshi Tonic but only gets two. Once again Jaka uses a headbutt to stop Kimberlee. He snaps her up into a Samoan Drop for two. He drives her back first into the corner and drapes her across the top turnbuckle. He delivers a hard running knee to the back and follows with the T’Challa Kick for two. Jaka goes for the Jumanji Bomb. She counters with a Frankensteiner, which Jaka counters with a sunset flip. Kimberlee kicks out and folds Jaka up in the Alligator Clutch for the pin at 15:36. This was excellent from a storytelling perspective, with Jaka focusing on the back and Kimberlee wrestling a smarter match as the match progressed as she became more familiar with Jaka’s arsenal and strengths. The Ganso Bomb on the floor was an excellent way to shift the match into the lead up to the climax, capped off by Kimberlee’s signature move, which also keeps Jaka strong since it caught him off guard and is a move many (including Hammermeier) have fallen to. This was another really strong defense for Kimberlee and a great outing for Jaka. ***¾

While Jakob is admonishing Jaka for his loss, referee Larry Peace gives Kimberlee her crown back. The show ends with her holding up the title as Jaka stares her down.

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Philadelphia, PA – 5.7.2016 – 7:00 PM

Championship Rundown
Grand Champion: Princess Kimberlee
Campeones de Parejas: N_R_G (Race Jaxon & Hype Rockwell)
Young Lions Cup Champion: The Estonian Thunderfrog

Commentary is provided by Mike Quackenbush, Dasher Hatfield and Dr. Rod Diamondfire.

Team Sea Stars (Ashley Vox & Delmi Exo) vs. The Gentleman’s Club (Orange Cassidy & The Swamp Monster)

Before the bell, Cassidy says he doesn’t want any chops thrown at him this match, threatening to spit his orange juice in his opponents faces if they do. Cassidy is lethargic dead weight for Vox. She goes for a pin, but Cassidy finds the energy to get his shoulder up. Exo twists up Cassidy’s wrist, leading to a side headlock exchange. Cassidy slowly is whipped to the ropes and crawls under Exo’s legs, as if she were going to leapfrog him. Of course, Cassidy tries his own chop, but Exo ducks an O’Connor Rolls him for two. Vox ducks one of Cassidy’s chops but is taken down with a running shoulder block. Cassidy comes out on the better of a leapfrog/drop down, getting a two count. Exo and Monster tag in where both competitors get in multiple pin attempts. Monster and Exo hug, and Vox joins in on the fun. Cassidy breaks it up and sends Monster out of the ring. He chops both Exo and Vox. Referee Bryce Remsburg tries giving Cassidy some lip, but Cassidy chops Bryce! Monster comes in to cool down Cassidy and he chops Monster too! Cassidy goes Old School, but Exo trips him to the apron. All four people whom Cassidy chopped serve them right back as Cassidy dangles in the ropes. Cassidy is then walked around ringside by Team Sea Stars where fans get in on the chopping fun. Cassidy considers tapping out after all the damage he absorbed. He doesn’t, and actually musters the strength to attempt a double chokeslam. Team Sea Stars fights out and serve him up a series of offense that sends him to the floor. Monster rolls through Team Sea Stars’ pose and does some shimmying. Cassidy shoves Monster out, spits orange juice in Team Sea Stars’ face, gives them the double chokeslam, then poses with his sunglasses on. Cassidy misses his falling top rope splash. Team Sea Stars hit him with the Hart Attack. Exo gives him a TKO for the pin at 10:14. This was a lot of fun. Although this was all about the comedy, which worked, you could still tell Team Sea Stars had improved even from just one month prior. It’s hard to give a star rating that truly reflects my enjoyment level, but just know the Swamp Monster’s involvement means it was five stars in my heart. **

Officer Warren Barksdale is here to set the record straight with Argus. Argus may have defeated him at National Pro Wrestling Day in a four way contest, but tonight will be different when they go one on one. If Argus tries any funny business, Barksdale is going to “book him.”

Argus vs. Officer Warren Barksdale

After trading holds, Argus takes Barksdale down in an armbar, transitioning into a top wristlock. Argus takes him down with a double underhook suplex for two. Barksdale puts Argus in a side headlock, then takes him over with a hip toss. Argus blocks Barksdale’s clotheline with his own arm which knocks Barksdale down. Argus takes him out of the corner with an armdrag, holding onto the arm. Barksdale ducks Argus’ offense, but Argus comes off the middle rope with an alita after being sent into the ropes with a mi paso. Argus takes him down with a reverse suplex for two. He also gets two with an enzuigiri. Barksdale looks for Obey the Law but Argus slips out and German suplexes him. Argus climbs the ropes after a second German suplex. Barksdale brings him down with a powerslam for the pin at 5:29. This was pretty basic, and while not perfect, people are getting into Barksdale and Argus was a solid opponent for him. *½

Vlad Radinov is plugging the Wrestle Factory when Snowflake, who we have not seen since “Top Banana”, makes his way out with the Snow Troll. Snowflake says he has been avoiding “this hell hole”, because he doesn’t perform in dumps like the Wrestle Factory or in front of people who are as ugly as the CHIKARMY. From afar he has seen his Battleborn try and fail. They were failures before he took them under his wing, and have been failures since he left, so he demands they come to the ring, which brings out “Juke Joint” Lucas Calhoun and Missile Assault Man. Snowflake addresses Calhoun as Volgar, asking him if he remembers who he was before they met. He says Calhoun was nothing then and still is nothing now. Calhoun says he remembers who he was and what he did when he wore the silver suit. He says Snowflake abandoned him and Missile Assault Man, and even without Snowflake, they challenged for Los Campeonatos de Parejas. They may have come up short, but it wasn’t because Snowflake wasn’t present. Calhoun says the Battleborn doesn’t need Snowflake and leaves the ring. Snowflake yells at Calhoun as Calhoun walks to the back. As Missile Assault Man starts to leave, Snowflake reminds him that he still has his journal (previously mentioned at “The Immaculate Election.”) This prompts Missile to get back in the ring. Snowflake says Missile has no soul and that he’s just a soldier. He tells Missile that they can be the dominant team of Battleborn. Once again Missile goes to walk away but Snowflake stops him. Snowflake starts singing “The Wheels on the Bus”, referencing the school bus Missile Assault Man blew up during his Condor days. He calls out the name of Orbit Adventure Ant and mocks his march, reminding Missile that Condron killed him at “King of Trios.” Missile goes nuts, unloading uppercuts on Snowflake and the Snow Troll. He stomps Snowflake in the corner while spelling out Missile Assault. He then gives Snowflake the Missile Launcher into the corner. From the canvas, Snowflake says that Missile’s friend is still dead and it’s Missile’s fault. Missile gives Snowflake another Missile Launcher. Snowflake says Missile sold his soul, which led to one more Missile Launcher for Snowflake. The officials come out but don’t have to do much, as Missile leaves on his own accord while the fans chant his name. CHIKARA staff carry out Snowflake while officials tend to the Snow Troll. The Snow Troll grabs Snowflake’s head scarf and flower crown and crawls underneath the ring.

Ophidian says they lost three points and a shot at Los Campeonatos de Parejas by losing the Tag World Grand Prix. Amasis wanted to thank TDT for taking them to their limit after their match in April, but all they got was a pair of Alabama Slams and some spit. Ophidian says tonight the Portal will officially welcome TDT to CHIKARA. TDT took points from them in April, and now the Portal will take them down tonight.

The Osirian Portal (Amasis & Ophidian) vs. Tabarnak de Team (Mathieu St. Jacques & Thomas Dubois)

This is a rematch from “Phone Home.” The Osirian Portal attack TDT as soon as they enter the ring. Amasis unleashes kicks on St. Jacques while Ophidian throws forearms and chops at Dubois. TDT switch the Portal around looking for double German suplexes. The Portal land on their feet but get sent to the apron. They come back in and send TDT out with running crossbody’s. Amasis suicide dives onto both of them. TDT takes down Amasis. Dubois catches Ophidian’s dive attempt. St. Jacques gives Ophidian a running forearm into an apron powerbomb from Dubois. St. Jacques gives Amasis a backbreaker on the apron. In the ring Amasis is left to fight the TDT alone, which proves to be futile. Ophidian crawls into the ring during the beatdown, but is quickly disposed of. Amasis rolls out after kicking out of a spinebuster from St. Jacques. A dazed Ophidian makes his way into the ring and reverses a toss from St. Jacques, sending him to the floor. He throws some kicks to Dubois. He comes off the top where Dubois catches him with a backbreaker. Dubois follows up with four more backbreakers and a knee strike off the middle rope from St. Jacques. Amsis comes back in, throwing punches at both of TDT. They cut him off with a tandem running shoulder block. They toss Amasis out with Ophidian, and the TDT land stereo suicide dives. In the ring, Dubois kicks Amasis into a piledriver from St. Jacques for two. They go for the combo again with the roles reversed. Ophidian catches St. Jacques with a knee from the apron. Dubois throws Amasis into Ophidian. TDT try a bucket toss into the corner. Amasis fights out and delivers double blockbusters. Amasis pescado’s out onto Dubois on the floor while Ophidian hits St. Jacques with Meteora. Ophidian then dives onto Dubois. Amasis lands a top rope double stomp onto St. Jacques for two. The Portal try the assisted Egyptian Destroyer on St. Jacques. Dubois makes the save. St. Jacques gives Ophidian a waterwheel slam into the corner while Dubois gives Amasis a Razor’s Edge into the other corner. TDT then double Beele Amasis onto Ophidian. St. Jacques pins Amasis but only gets two. TDT set him up for the Doomsday Device. Ophidian crotches St. Jacques on the top rope. Amasis uses a Frankensteiner to take Dubois to the floor. The Portal bring down St. Jacques with the Pyramid suplex. Dubois tried to interrupt, but they took him down with a bicycle kick into a German suplex. The assisted Egyptian Destroyer on Dubois gets the Portal a very close two count! As the Portal await Dubois to recover, St. Jacques sneaks in a double Saito suplex. The Portal recover quickly and take St. Jacques down with stereo bicycle kicks. They deliver stereo superkicks to Dubois. They then hit the assisted Egyptian Destroyer on St. Jacques onto Dubois. Dubois then takes a second assisted butterfly Egyptian Destroyer for the pin at 13:51. I gushed the initial encounter these two teams had in April, and while I enjoyed this quite a bit, it felt too much like a rehash. I think when TDT debuted people didn’t really expect how they could fit into the CHIKARA ecosystem, and having a match that was different from the “CHIKARA style” was a perfect introduction.. While I was excited for the rematch, I didn’t want the same match again, but more so for them to expound upon what was already achieved. While I appreciate the callback to the finish from the first match and the feeling of genuine disdain between the teams, the lack of freshening up from the initial encounter knocks this down a peg in my book, but nevertheless was still a very good match. ***¼

Oleg the Usurper says he gets one more shot at a Golden Opportunity tonight. Last time, foes came between him and the gold. If that happens again tonight, off with their heads!

The Infinite Gauntlet

The Rules are similar to the Royal Rumble. 33 people come in at 88 second intervals. You eliminate people by pinfall or by throwing them over the top rope and both of their feet touching the floor. The winner gets a “Golden Opportunity” to be used at any point.

Order of Entry

1. Oleg the Usurper
2. Frightmare
3. Arctic Rescue Ant
4. Blind Rage
5. Wani
6. Brian Myers
7. Missile Assault Man
8. Shane Storm
9. Worker Ant
10. Lucas Calhoun
11. Pinkie Sanchez
12. Heidi Lovelace
13. Mark Angelosetti
14. Prakash Sabar
15. Steve “The Turtle” Weiner
16. Gene Snitsky
17. Ice Cream Jr.
18. Abominous Rex
19. Jervis Cottonbelly
20. Hallowicked
21. Fire Ant
22. Touch Phillips
23. Jigsaw
24. El Hijo del Ice Cream
25. Dasher Hatfield
26. Jakob Hammermeier
27. The Estonian Thunderfrog
28. Cheech Hernandez
29. Icarus
30. Hermit Crab
31. Princess Kimberlee
32. Kobald
33. Juan Francisco de Coronado

Order of Elimination

1. Shane Storm is eliminated with a savate kick to the stomach from Wani and a dog pile pin from Wani, Calhoun, and Missile.
2. Brian Myers is eliminated with an uppercut from Missile and a dog pile pin from Wani, Calhoun, and Missile.
3. Blind Rage is thrown over the top rope by Snitsky.
4. Steve “The Turtle” Weiner is thrown over the top rope by Snitsky.
5. Lucas Calhoun is booted over the top rope by Snitsky.
6. Gene Snitsky is pinned by a chokeslam from Abominous Rex.
7. Prakash Sabar is thrown over the top rope by Abominous Rex.
8. Oleg the Usurper is thrown over the top rope by Abominous Rex.
9. Abominous Rex is thrown over the top rope by Missile, Angelosetti, Worker Ant, Sanchez, Arctic, Cottonbelly, Lovelace, Hallowicked, Frightmare, and Wani.
10. Pinkie Sanchez is sent over the top rope by Jakob Hammermeier, when Hammermeier tries to whip Sanchez into Hijo but is sent over the top instead.
11. Jervis Cottonbelly is sent over the top rope by Hammermeier, Missile, Phillips, Fire Ant, and Jigsaw.
12. Touch Phillips misses a top rope splash and is dogpiled by Jigsaw, Fire Ant, Hallowicked, and Hammermeier for a pinfall elimination.
13. Frightmare is thrown over the top rope and sent down to the floor with an uppercut by Hatfield.
14. Missile Assault Man is thrown off the apron by the Thunderfrog.
15. El Hijo del Ice Cream is thrown off the apron by the Thunderfrog.
16. Ice Cream Jr. is pinned by an O’Connor Roll from the Thunderfrog.
17 and 18. Cheech Hernandez and Jakob Hammermeier are eliminated by a triple suplex over the top rope from Icarus, Lovelace, and Hatfield.
19. Fire Ant is yakuza kicked to the floor by Hallowicked.
20. Hermit Crab is tossed out by Hallowicked.
21. Jigsaw pins the Thunderfrog with the Jig N’ Tonic.
22. Wani is powerbombed over the top rope onto a number of previously eliminated competitors by Hatfield.
23. Dasher Hatfield is eliminated by Mark Angelosetti, reversing a whip from Hatfield
24. Worker Ant is clotheslined over the top by Hallowicked.
25. Icarus is superkicked off of the apron by Jigsaw.
26. Kobald is tossed out by Hallowicked.
27. Arctic Rescue Ant is tossed out by Hallowicked after taking Go 2 Sleepy Hollow.
28. Heidi Lovelace is eliminated when Kimberlee sends her out after low bridging the top rope.
29 and 30. Princess Kimberlee and Jigsaw are dumped out by Coronado when Kimberlee and Jigsaw both were attempting to eliminate Hallowicked.
31. Juan Francisco de Coronado is thrown over the top rope with a Military Press from Angelosetti.
32. Hallowicked wins the Infinite Gauntlet, last eliminating Mark Angelosetti when he sends Angelosetti to the apron and Coronado yanks him down in 59:20.

Notes:

– Frightmare was a replacement for the previously announced Rock Lobster.
– Earlier in the night during the pre-show drawing, Juan made Sabar switch numbers with him, meaning Sabar originally drew the coveted #33 spot.
– Arctic Rescue Ant and Worker Ant formed a short partnership at the beginning of the match, which is unexpected considering the rivalry the Colony and Colony: Xtreme Force had in 2014.
– Angelosetti tried working with Heidi Lovelace, his former Dasher’s Dugout partner, but she was having none of it. On the other hand, she was fine with assisting and being assisted by Hatfield and Icarus. Eventually, Angelosetti tossed out Hatfield, reversing Hatfield’s attempt to toss Angelosetti to the floor.
– Abominous Rex was a mystery entrant submitted by Sidney Bakabella. He was very reminiscent of the Giant Machine from the mid-80s. He ran roughshod over the competition, absorbing a lot of damage with ease, and eliminating Oleg the Usurper, serving as a measure of retribution for Bakabella. It took 10 people to eliminate him from the match.
– Touch Phillips is the former Bugg Nevans who is the former Rick Beanbag who is the former Scoot Tatum who is the former Chuck Taylor.
– Jervis and Thunderfrog almost reunited, but when Cottonbelly tried diving from the middle rope into the arms of the Thunderfrog, he was caught by a group of people and tossed out before he and the Thunderfrog could embrace.
– After Icarus was eliminated, UltraMantis Black was seen putting him in a trance as Icarus was heading backstage, exactly like Mantis did to the Batiri in the afternoon. Lovelace went to check on him. Icarus smiles, nods at Mantis, and leaves with him, as Hallowicked brings Lovelace back to the ring.
– Lovelace looked shocked, upset, and possibly betrayed that Kimberlee eliminated her from the match.

This match flew by and was never boring, as they kept fresh competitors coming in, everybody seemed “busy”, and they told a good amount of stories in the match. Seeing Jigsaw return (hopefully for good, as his Twitter indicated), some outsiders, and some old names in the mix was a real treat. I like Coronado and Angelosetti costing each other the match as it raises the bar of their rivalry and gives you something more to sink your teeth into. Hallowicked seems like an odd choice to win, as he already had two points going into this match and has the prestige of being a former Grand Champion, but I do like that he looks stronger than ever going into that future title bout, with the largest army he has assembled to date. This was about the best you could structure a Royal Rumble type of match, and I think it’s a concept worth revisiting. ***½

Encore Match
Race Jaxon vs. The Proletariat Boar of Moldova

Jaxon mi paso’s the Boar to the to the floor and follows with a pescado. In the ring, Jaxon tries a crossbody but takes a shot to the stomach on his way down. Boar gets in a couple shots to the face and hits the Baconator for two. Jaxon gets in a couple of hope shots, but Boar cuts him off with a punch. Jaxon follows him to the ropes with a forearm strike. Boar drops Jaxon across his knees for two. Boar traps Jaxon in the corner and drives his knees into Jaxon’s ribs. He calls for the Gore. Jaxon catches and swings him to the ropes for a clothesline. Jaxon lands a moonsault block for the pin at 2:31. That was rough. ¼*

8.0

The final score: review Very Good

The 411

The two main events on either show are excellent, with some fun stuff on the mid-cards and one of my favorite comedy matches so far this year. With both shows on CHIKARATopia there's no reason to not at least cherry pick through the events, but if you're following the storylines with a fine tooth comb, watching both shows in earnest is definitely worth your time. Both shows are available to watch on CHIKARATopia, CHIKARA's streaming service which is $7.99 a month and comes with a free 7 day trial. You can purchase both shows together on DVD or Blu-Ray from CHIKARA's store. You can purchase Whisper House on mp4/VOD here and The Distant Future on mp4/VOD here, as well as options to purchase individual matches.