411’s TNA Sacrifice Report 05.16.10

Welcome to 411’s TNA Sacrifice Report with me, Chris Lansdell. Card looks…big. Some potential there though. Before we get started, allow me to introduce our guest host…

It’s a show, an event, a pay per view even!

Now then, where did I put the Sarcasmatron? OH NO IT’S SET TO MAX!!!

* #1 Contenders Match: Beer Money vs. Team 3D vs. The Motor City Machineguns

Damn, no boozer cruiser. For some reason people think I will overrate this. I OVERRATE NOTHING! And no, there will be no Hogan heads. Brother Devon’s arms are bigger than the legs on Lawrence Taylor’s prostitot. What? Too soon?

Shelley and Roode to start. I wonder who uses more product in their hair? I am manly enough to ask that. Roode knocks down Shelley with a shoulder but gets taken down with head scissors and a wheelbarrow bulldog for 2. Shelley runs into a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for 2, Roode tags in Storm who tees off on the jaw of Shelley. Storm’s whip is reversed and he avoids the superkick only to get kicked in the gut by Sabin. Back inside Sabin and Shelley work their double-team magic on Roode, ending with the low dropkick to the face. Tag to Sabin who gets poked in the eye and eats a high knee. Brother Ray slaps Storm on the back and tags in, then stomps away on Sabin. Sabin does some flippy stuff and lands some kicks before chewing shoe leather on a big boot to the face. Tag to Devon, SIDEWINDER! Shades of the Smoking Guns, for 2 only. Devon ducks his head and Sabin hits a leg lariat on Devon, then tries a slingshot to the floor on Ray and misses. Badly. Devon in control of Sabin inside, scoop slam and a high leg drop for two. Tenay called it a power slam, are he and Michael Cole related? Ray is back in, channelling Chuck Liddell with his hair. Scoop slam, Ray goes to the middle rope and tries the senton…and misses. Shelley tagged in, forearms aplenty! He goes up top and tries a crossbody to both of 3D, who catch him. Sabin with the springboard dropkick to complete the move. More double-teamery from the guns, including the between-the-legs tope to the floor. Shelley goes up top, Ray moves so Shelley rolls through. Roode tags in and decapitates Shelley with a clothesline. Backbreaker gets 2 more for Roode. Tag to Storm, double suplex connects. Wait for it….

BEVERAGE!

FINANCE!

Neckbreaker in the corner by Storm which gets two. Tag to Roode, scoop slam to Shelley, elbow by Storm and a knee by Roode get 2. Storm’s back in. Did I mention that Beer Money have apparently been to Oompa Loompa land? Orange is the new tan. Storm misses the avalanche in the corner and gets nailed with a head kick, but it’s the Beer Money corner and Roode tags in to cream Shelley. Shelley gets out the back of a suplex and tags in Sabin. Rana off the top! Sabin runs up the ropes…CROSSBODY TO THE FLOOR on Storm! Springboard tornado DDT to Roode! 1…2…Devon breaks it up. Ray throws Shelley to the floor and Sabin to the ramp. Flip flop and fly to Storm, Roode is up on Ray’s shoulders…DOOMSDAY DEVICE! Sabin out of nowhere with a crossbody to Devon for 2!!! Sabin gets thrown out, 3D stalk Roode for a 3D…beer to the eyes of Ray! Devon and Storm go to the floor, Roode hits a spinebuster on Ray. DOUBLE HEAD KICK by the Guns to Roode! Neckbreaker-frog splash combo by the Guns on Ray! 1…2…3!!!

Winners: Motor City Machine Guns via pinfall (Shelley on Ray, frog splash-neckbreaker combo)
Rating: ***¼ Not the worst match I’ve seen.

We’re told Abyss IS here and is pissed. Tenay says there are rumours about Wolfe and Chelsea being investigated for filing false reports.

* Global Title Match: Rob Terry © vs. Orlando Jordan

Orlando Jordan descends from the ceiling wrapped in ribbon. This man is a heat magnet and it’s awesome. Rob Terry descends the ramp wrapped in wrath. He wants to kill a bitch. The bell rings, and Terry kills a bitch. Big forearms from Terry and a huge hip toss. I can see this going both ways. Clothesline sends OJ’s head to Port Ocala. That’s in Florida, right? Back body drop and an avalanche by Terry, followed by a side slam for 2. Whip, terry ducks his head and gets booted. OJ charges into a spin kick from Terry. Yes, I just typed that. And it looked good. OJ tries to flee up the ramp, without even saying bi. Terry hip tosses him back in and hits a powerslam for 2. OJ begs off but catches a kick from Terry and kicks away at the knee. NICE leg takedown by OJ. Leg work now by OJ. He wraps it around the corner post and then stamps on it. Jordan continues beating on the leg, he tries to apply a cloverleaf but is kicked off. OJ has spent the better part of 3 minutes with a man on his back at his mercy. He straddles Terry for a 2 count. Elbow drops to the back of the head now, OJ goes to the middle rope and pulls down his knee pad. He will miss of course. Yup, he missed. Out of nowhere Terry hits a uranage, which is apparently the Freak Buster, 1…2…3!

Winner: Rob Terry via pinfall (Freak Buster)
Rating: *¼ Well at least he sold the leg even after the match…

Post-match OJ hits a chop block and slams the knee onto the belt on the ramp. Ouch kabibble.

Ink Inc visit Team 3D’s dressing room, they talk The Band. Jesse Neal says they will take care of The Band for them. Brother Ray takes exception to needing a punk kid to take care of things for them. And they are literally punk kids. Now GET OFFA HIS LAWN. Damn kids with their MySpace and their iPod and their music…

* TNA X-Division Title Match: Kazarian © vs. Douglas Williams

This should be good. A Chaos Theory will make my night complete. Williams in control early with some nice chain wrestling. Figure four headscissors by Kazarian. HA! Tenay says many people thought it was career suicide for Kaz to take a year off.

GET IT? Is funny because he was Suicide! Yes! Is joke!

Thanks for coming Foaud. Williams escapes and applies a cravate. Snap mare by Williams but he gets his arm dragged. Armbar into a headscissors takedown by Kazarian, looked very nice. Short arm scissors now by Kazarian. Williams reverses out the back and flips Kazarian over. Kazarian reverses that but Williams makes the ropes. Kazarian snaps the arm over the top rope and hits a springboard rollup for 2. Yes, I just typed that. Back to the arm drag and armbar. Williams turns over into a Greco-Roman knuckle lock, then applies the Buffalo necktie. He rocks back with the knees in the back but Kazarian rolls through and applies the necktie himself. Williams again makes the ropes. Kazarian perches Williams up top but Williams slides between his legs and pushes him off to the floor! Kaz landed chin-first on the ramp, which I bet made his dentist ecstatic. Williams catches Kaz coming in and snaps his neck over the middle rope. Back inside, front facelock applied by Williams who drags him to the edge of the apron and smacks his face into it. Back inside and the front facelock is reapplied. Kaz lifts Williams in a suplex and drops him gut-first onto the top rope, then kicks him to the floor. Slingshot crossbody by Kaz! Williams rolls inside at 6, Kaz chooses to come in via springboard dropkick to the face. Flying forearm by Kaz, clothesline and a spin kick follow and a float over swinging neckbreaker gets 2. Williams avoids a charge, CHAOS THE-No! Rollup! Motherfucker! 1…2…no! Backslide! 1…2…no! Kaz with a slingshot DDT! 1…2…2.79! Williams comes back with headbutts and a short-arm clothesline, then a charging knee in the corner. Williams thinks about the top rope but changes his mind, comes back inside and almost gets dropped with the Jig n Tonic! Springboard back elbow by Kaz, he tries the Jig N Tonic again…countered! BUCKLE BOMB! Suplex…NO! Williams drops the neck of Kaz over his knee! Damn. Chaos Theory blocked again, WAVE OF THE FUTURE! 1…2…2.83! Back drop by Kaz, he gets Williams up for the Electric Chair…Williams out the back…CHAOS MUTHALOVING THEORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 1…2…3!!!

Winner: Douglas Williams via pinfall (CHAOS THEORY!!!)
Rating: ***½ for the match ELEVENTY BILLION~! For the Chaos Theory.

Desmond Wolfe talks to Chelsea backstage. She is worried. Wolfe tries to calm the bint down and tells her he has never let her down. She is his and nothing will change that. Except when he jobs tonight, that is.

* Career vs. TNA Knockouts Title Match: Tara vs. Madison Rayne ©

Tell me Lion-O, what do you see?

I love you cameraman. God damn that’s some ass. Tara blitzes Madison from behind but Madison fights back and knocks Tara ass over spider lantern. Well that’s what it looks like dammit.

Tara kicks off Madison and bails to the floor, Madison tries to follow and gets her legs swept out, sending her crashing to the apron with velocity. Tara attacks with a vicious forearm blow. Back inside the squared circle, Tara obtains a two count. She questions the velocity of the arbiter’s count which allows Madison to gain control. She rolls around the ring with her legs tightly wrapped around the shapely torso of the challenger, each time obtaining a two count. Tara however is a formidable foe and drives Madison into the corner area, driving her shoulder forcefully into the abdomen of the champion. A technically proficient Northern Lights suplex is transitioned into a tight guillotine choke. Madison is able to escape Tara’s clutches and uses a leg to push Tara away. Fisticuffs ensue. A running boot to the side of the face of Tara is reciprocated with a clothesline by Tara. She attempts the dreaded Widow’s Peak…and connects with it! However Rayne has the wherewithal to roll to the floor, preventing a pinfall. Tara pursues and rolls her quarry inside, then body slams her. From the top rope, Tara…connects with a moonsault! 1…2…no! She stomps viciously on the champion, then repeats the moonsault, this time connecting only with the canvas! Not what she planned I am sure. Inverted Codebreaker! 1…2…3!

Winner: Madison Rayne via pinfall (Inverted codebreaker)
Rating: **¼ Pretty good. Tara tried hard to get a quality match on the way out. Down came the Rayne and washed the spider out I guess.

Loud “Thank you Tara!” chant from Orlando. She bows to the fans as security escorts her from the ring.

Christy Hemme is with The Band. Eric Young explains why he joined the band, because the roster is full of wannabes and pretenders. He’s the only one who’s cool enough to hang with The Band. Nash enacts the Freebird Rule (and even calls it such) and says it could be any two of the three defending. Probably to cover for a future no-show. Oh you know it’s coming.

TNA Tag Team Title Match: The Band (Scott Hall and Kevin Nash) © vs. Ink Inc. (Jesse Neal and Shannon Moore)

Ink Inc are out first. Man, if they ever need a foreign object they can just nail someone with Shannon’s trench coat. The Band hobble down the ramp at what is probably top speed for them. So who’s going to do the work for The Band?

Hall and Moore to start off. Toothpick flick by Hall, bitch slap by Moore. Hall applies an armbar and slaps the back of Moore’s head a few times. Schoolboy by Moore gets 2. Whip and a clothesline by Hall, another whip and a charge but Moore gets a knee up. Middle rope dropkick by Moore. He hits a spinkick for one, then poses. Hall tags in Nash, and Nash wants Neal. Neal obliges and Nash knees him HARD in the gut. Vintage knees in the corner by Nash, now vintage elbows to the skull. Neal turns it around with a headbutt and some shots, but Nash turns it around again and gets the vintage boot choke. 2 count. Nash with another kneelift, he tags in Hall who locks in a submission manoeuvre, the abdominal stretch. Vintage Scott Hall! Wow, even typing like Michael Cole hurts. Hip toss by Neal breaks the hold after the ref caught Nash cheating. Elbow drop misses by Neal. Tag to Nash who goes to work in the corner. Whip by Nash, he misses the charge and Moore tags in. He uses speed to keep Nash off balance, avoids a charge and gets a top rope crossbody for 2. Tag to Neal! MOOREGASM! Nash is being lined up for a spear…Nash moved! Slick Johnson eats spear! Neal beats Nash down as EY brings down a kendo stick! He tosses it to Nash, who swings and misses a dozen times and gets speared. Neal has the kendo stick and goes to wear out Nash…EY blocks it! BROTHER RAY nails Neal from behind! He has the kendo stick and wants to beat Nash with it, but Neal says “We got this.” No, what you got is a kendo stick in the head from Brother Ray. Oh look, a 3D heel turn…AGAIN. They turn more than Big Show. Young pulls Nash on top of Neal, revives the ref…1…2…3!

Winners: The Band via pinfall (Nash on Neal, Brother Ray’s kendo stick to the head)
Rating: *½ Not as horrible as I thought.

Video package for Abyss-Wolfe.

* Chelsea vs. The Ring: Desmond Wolfe vs. Abyss

Abyss attacks Wolfe during his entrance and beats him silly on the outside. He rolls Wolfe inside and Wolfe tries a crossbody…and bounces off. Sweet. Chelsea is halfway up the ramp being hot. Seriously though, she has a pickaxe nose. Clotheslines by Abyss, Chelsea comes a little closer to the ring which causes Abyss to go out on to the ramp…where Wolfe knocks him to the floor. He drives Abyss into the corner post and rolls him inside. To work on the arm now. Hi Mr and soon-to-be-Mrs. Randle! Top wristlock applied, Abyss powers out but eats a boot. Back to the arm goes Wolfe, using his leverage to take Abyss down to one knee. Abyss fights out, Wolfe with a series of shots to the shoulder and another top wristlock. Abyss gets to his feet, Wolfe tries to stem the momentum but gets goozled. He fights it off but Abyss gets a boot to the chest of Wolfe! Avalanche in the corner and a side slam for 2. TNA’s John Cena gets another goozle but Wolfe is able to get a snap DDT for 2! Throat thrust by Wolfe, he gets a charging European in the corner before hitting more shots to the left arm. He goes for the lariat, runs into a back elbow…JAWBREAKER! Blocked! GOOZLE!!! Here’s Chelsea with her loaded purse! She tosses it to Wolfe while the ref tries to stop Abyss from choking her. It contains brass knux, which are in the purse of every refined lady. In fact the Queen has a diamond-encrusted set in hers. WHAM knux to Abyss! The ref runs back from checking on Chelsea…1…2…ABYSS UP! Shots by Wolfe have no effect! It’s like he’s Hulking up! YOU! Boot! Black Hole Slam! 3!

Winner: Abyss via pinfall (Black Hole Slam)
Rating: **½ More competitive than I thought…right up until the stupid Hulk Hogan comeback.

Christy is with Mr. Anderson, who pretends to be a Jeff Hardy fan. He pretty much nails it, then says he doesn’t want to do that because he’s an asshole. He says he has his own following, Anderson’s Assholes. How tawdry! You must order this PPV JUST for that promo.

* Jeff Hardy vs. Mr. Anderson

They lock up violently. “You’re an asshole!” – Orlando. Anderson takes control with stomps in the corner. Hardy with a double-leg slam right out of the Georges St-Pierre playbook. He runs the ropes and goes for a flying clothesline, Anderson ducks. “We are assholes!” – Orlando. Anderson to the floor with Hardy, ramming him back-first into the apron. Back inside, Anderson misses an elbow drop. Whip by Hardy and a corner clothesline, and again in the opposite corner. Hardy goes for the corner mule kick but Anderson gets a boot up. Damn that looks like it hurts. 2 count for Anderson. In the corner, Anderson pounds Hardy down and keeps him down with clubbing blows. Kneeling abdominal stretch by Anderson now. Hardy fights out but eats a knee lift for 2. Anderson to the middle rope, he sees Hardy get the feet up so he aborts in mid air and then drops the elbow for 2. Shots to the back by Anderson and another cover for 2. Another abdominal stretch applied. Whip by Anderson, he charges and Hardy tries to leapfrog him coming in. Anderson catches his feet and crotches him over the top. No joke, I have typed “Kennedy” at least a dozen times in this match. Anderson mocks Hardy, charges and gets backdropped onto the ramp. Hardy finds a chair and sets it up, then backs off up the ramp…runs…OFF THE CHAIR with a HUGE leg lariat!!! 1…2…no. Anderson tees off with a pair of haymakers, Hardy responds in kind. They’re exchanging blows mid-ring, Hardy gets a whip and a clothesline. Another one gets 2. Whip and a corner clothesline followed by a bulldog for 2. Gourdbuster attempt countered, FINLAY ROLL by Anderson! 1…2…no. Anderson measures Hardy, Mic Check is blocked but Anderson trips Hardy into the ropes. Mic Check connects! 1…2…Hardy grabs the bottom rope! Anderson hooks both legs and covers again, only 2. Mule kick from Hardy regains control. Gourdbuster connects this time, Hardy goes up top…Anderson is on all fours so Hardy gets down, hits the Twist of Fate and removes his shirt. Cue screaming. Hardy goes up top again, Anderson cuts him off and crotches him. Anderson goes up with Hardy for the Finlay Roll! Hardy with elbows to the head, Anderson falls face-first with Hardy on top of his head! Hardy to the top…SWANTON! 1…2…3!

Winner: Jeff Hardy via pinfall (Swanton)
Rating: *** The finish felt a little off, maybe because the crowd hardly reacted to the Swanton. Good back-and-forth though, when Anderson’s boring offence gets the crowd into it you know he’s done his job .

Post-match Anderson and Hardy face off, Anderson extends the hand and Hardy brushes him off.

Christy is with Ric Flair and AJ. Flair is confident, and says talk to AJ. AJ says RVD has no business being champion.

Video package for Sting-Jarrett.

* Sting vs. Jeff Jarrett

Jarrett’s music hits and his is nowhere to be seen. That’s because Sting is beating the shit out of him in the back. Jarrett is bleeding already. Sting rams Jarrett’s head into some lockers and Jarrett has a Flairesque blade job going on. Sting uses the bat to wrap the shoulder up and pops it out of the socket. And again. They’re coming down the ramp now, Sting with a set of stiff rights. Sting drags Jarrett down to ringside and throws him into the barricade. Sting sets up the ring steps and slams Jarrett into them. BASEBALL BAT TO THE KNEE! He stamps the baseball bat into the shoulder joint and then wraps the arm around the bat again. Sting whips Jarrett into the ring, Sting comes in and the bell rings. Scorpion Deathdrop. 3.

Winner: Sting: via pinfall (Scorpion Deathdrop)
Rating: DUD It was a beatdown. A violent one with some nastiness in it, but it wasn’t a match.

Sting says that Jarrett is just the same as “those guys”, and they’re going to pay like Jarrett did. Those guys?

Sting beats down Jarrett as he leaves on a stretcher, bringing out Hogan. That stops the madness.

Christy is with RVD. He says he’s had many titles, and some of them meant so little he’s forgotten them in the back when he went to the ring. Sweet. He laughs off AJ’s trash talk and cut a very charismatic promo…by his standards.

* TNA World Title Match: RVD © vs. AJ Styles

AJ is out first. Crowd is really into RVD’s entrance. Heavens to murgatroyd, it’s super special ring announcing, introductions, channelling Bruce Buffer even!

Each man ducks a kick to start us off. 5 minutes in and nobody has actually hit anything yet. That changes as each man misses a kick and RVD clotheslines AJ to the floor. AJ trips RVD and drags him to the floor, where they brawl. AJ tries a moonsault off the ramp, lands on his feet and then gets nailed with RVD’s moonsault off the ramp. Nice little exchange. AJ tries to springboard in with a rana but misses, RVD goes for the Rolling Thunder but Flair grabs the leg. Hebner goes to eject him and Flair is pissed. RIGHT HAND BY HEBNER! Down goes Flair! Down goes Flair! Flair is now ON COMMENTARY! Oh yes. Styles argues with Hebner then levels RVD with a clothesline. RVD tries to get back in but is knocked off the apron. AJ FLIES with a HANDS-FREE senton to the floor!!! Scoop slam on the inside by AJ and a BIG knee drop gets two. RVD with a jump kick out of nowhere. AJ reverses a whip but runs into a back elbow. RVD springs to the top but gets shoved off into the ramp. AJ rolls RVD inside and gets a 2 count. Chinlock by AJ. RVD escapes the hold and hits a series of rights, but charges into AJ’s foot. TORNADO DDT by AJ spiked him hard. 1…2…no. Snap mare and a kick to the spine by AJ. RVD is on his knees, AJ hits a SWANK dropkick to the face. 1…2…no. RVD ducks a pair of kicks from AJ and hits a springboard jump kick to the jaw. AJ is checking his teeth. Clotheslines by RVD followed by a superkick. MONKEY FLIP sends AJ so high he came down with cookies and a passport stamp. RVD up top…FIVE STAR MISS! Springboard flying forearm from AJ gets two. That was damn impressive, he looked like he was flying. Oklahoma Roll by AJ gets 2 more. PELE! 1…2…2.7! AJ misses a BIG corner splash, his head snapped back when he hit the turnbuckle. Northern Lights by RVD, bridge! 1…2…no!! Small package by AJ gets 2. Inverted atomic from RVD, he crotches AJ on the top and goes up top himself. Jump kick to the face knocks AJ off the top rope. Rolling Thun-KNEES! AJ covers! 1…2…NO! AJ picks up RVD…torture rack!!Spins him out, RACK BOMB! 1…2…no! Haven’t seen that in YEARS. AJ hits the leaping clothesline in the corner for 2 more. RVD gets some spice by kicking AJ in the head, but AJ comes back with the Styles Clash…countered! AJ rolls through and counters! 1…2…another rollup! They exchange near falls, both man stand up and hit a double clothesline. Both men up at 8. Time for the shot exchange in the middle of the ring. RVD gets some kicks, AJ catches one but RVD gets a leg scissors and cover for 2. AJ tries a figure four but RVD grabs a small package for 2. A series of reversals ends with AJ hitting the moonsault reverse DDT for 2. Springboard 450 time…MISSES! Flair jumps up from the commentary table but JAY LETHAL is out…to get knocked down by Flair. LOW BLOW by Lethal! Lethal with the chop, the strut and the FIGURE FOUR! In the ring RVD is up top, Styles crotches him and goes up with him…superplex NO! RVD drops down with AJ’s neck over the top! FIVE STAR FROG SPLASH! 1…2…3!

Winner: Rob van Dam via pinfall (Five-Star Frog Splash)
Rating: ***3/4 Much better than their first match, but still lacking something. The crowd was a bit off for a lot of the night, and it hurt this match too.

Exit, stage left!