411’s WWE Smackdown Report 11.14.08

Welcome once again to your Smackdown recap. Thanks for Steve Cook for the fill-in last week. Why wasn’t I here? None of your f’n business.

We’re still looking for a regular Smackdown recapper. So if you get SD! and can have a recap up within an hour of the show ending, then shoot us a sample and you too can become a member of the 411 team.

To this weeks show…

– Highlights package of Jeff Hardy going off the deep end last week and attacking The Undertaker.

Cue the intro…

– We’re “live” in Manchester, England with Tazz and J.R.

– The house lights are down and the ring is bathed in blue lights with a casket in the middle. We hear The Undertakers voice as he narrates the hell that awaits The Big Show. I may be wrong but I swear blind I heard him say…

There once was a HHH form Nantucket,
Who took Katie Vicks body to a casket and fucked it,
It wouldn’t fit in, so he lubed her rear end,
And Vince was so inspired he jerked off in a bucket

…but I may be wrong.

Suddenly the casket opens and The Undertaker is inside. Before he can speak Jeff Hardy appears on the ‘Tron. We can’t see his face but he starts talking and reveals face paint that makes Heath Ledger’s Joker seem well balanced

…should I be afraid of tonight he asks? Should he be sorry for last week? He’s tired of being sorry. The Undertaker lives in a world of black and white but he lives in a world of grey that allows him to do the things that others just can’t do. For tonight, it’s the emotion, it’s the frustrations, it’s the anger, it’s the rage, it’s the RECK-LESS-NESS and insanity is what will make him win. Undertaker…tonight it’s extreme.

So be it Jeff Hardy…tonight you will rest…in…peace.

(I don’t usually rate segments but holy friggin’ hell that was GREAT. Forget the casket stuff, that Jeff Hardy promo was MONEY. He’s always portrayed as living on the edge but he explained why he lives there and was actually saw it physically. I hope they continue down this road because there are positive strands of early Mankind-like characterisation in this and Jeff is long overdue for a personality. If I had to star rate it….****)

Match#1: Matt Hardy vs. Shelton Benjamin – Non-Title
Hurrapop: Shelton Benjamin looks like the love child of Gary Coleman and “Hacksaw” Butch Reed…I’m just saying.

Shelton takes down Hardy to start, get’s the front face lock and then settles into a side headlock. A whip into the ropes by Hardy but Shelton shoulder blocks him for the effort and gets a two count. Benjamin gets a side headlock on the Matt but Hardy counters into a head scissors, gets his own side headlock and Shelton escapes and hits the armbar. Matt fights out with a series of rights and nails an elbow off a whip for a two count. Hammerlock by Hardy, Shelton tries to counter with a snap mere but Matt holds on during the roll through and Shelton is still on the defensive. Shelton tries a body slam and the same thing happens as we head to a commercial break…

…We’re back and the two are trading blows, a Shelton charge to the corner gets nothing but Matts boot in his face as Hardy hits a 2nd rope elbow for a near fall. Matt starts to favour the left knee after that and tries a vertical suplex, Shelton continues over and lands on his feet and takes out the bad knee. He starts to work it over and gets a spinning toehold but stops to give Matt a short arm clothesline which Hardy counters with the side effect for a close 2 count. Matt hits the clothesline/bulldog combo coming out of the corner for another 2 count but misses an elbow drop. Shelton misses a spinning wheel kick but comes back around and just nails Matt with a big boot to the face for another near fall. Matt staggers defensively to the corner and Benjamin hits two big corner splashes but a third time gets stopped with a clothesline but a twist of fate gets countered into a backbreaker for Benjamin who then puts Matt on the top rope but Matt fights back with some elbows, hits a top rope moonsalt for a close 2 count. The do a counter/reverse sequence which ends with Shelton applying a single leg crab but Hardy makes the ropes and Shelton lays some boots in and hits the chop block to the bad knee but Matt nails the twist of fate out of nowhere for the three.

(Surprisingly sluggish match for these two. They managed to incorporate some Hardy leg stuff, but it ultimately led nowhere. Nothing actively bad just a little on the slow side with what we’d expect from these two. **1/4)

Match #2: The Brain Kendrick w/Ezekiel vs. Carlito w/Primo
Lock-up to start. Kendrick goes behind but reversed by Carlito and ends up applying a side headlock on the mat, Kendrick counters with a head scissors and Carlito forces his way out with a kip-up. Brain takes the legs out from Carlito but misses a clothesline. Carlito hits the big left hands but Brian sneaks a shoulder into the mid-section to come back but misses a clothesline off a whip, Carlito springboards over the top of Kendrick off the second rope and nails a dropkick and a deep armdrag for a 2 count. A Carlito armbar gets broken when Kendrick makes the ropes and he cheap shots Carly on the break. Brian works over the left arm but Carlito fights backs and an attempted backdrop from Brain gets countered with a sweet spinning neck breaker for a 2 count. Kendrick manages to take control again with a modified cobra clutch (anyone have a name for this?) but Carlito works his way up, Kendrick tries to keep control but misses a knee in the corner, Carlito gets some big left hands and a running knee lift/clothesline combo and then hits a springboard back elbow for a close 2. Carlito sets up Kendrick in the corner but big Zeke takes out Primo, which distracts Carlito long enough for Brain to hit The Kendrick and score the win.

(Like the match before there is nothing horrible about this but it lacked a spark and any real drama. It’s just a match between two guys that do some pretty moves in the ring. Considering the personalities involved I wanted MUCH, MUCH MORE. **1/2)

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Bonus Rant
Feel free to skip over the next bit but it’s something that’s been bugging me about wrestling for a while now and the above match was my boiling point

This match, while not terrible is starting to become indicative of the wrestling the WWE and others are putting out. I’ve noticed it more while doing recaps but the “style” these days is wrestler A hits a move or three, wrestler B sells for 30 second comes back with his own couple of moves. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

What ever happened to the extended heat sequence? Because the lack of one right now is killing in ring action and the crowds with it.

Even the main event is falling into the trap. Before people start on about ROH or any other worker friendly fed, this is par for the course EVERYWHERE. People talk about MMA starting to erode the fan base of wrestling and while there is credence in that, wrestling is getting away from what brought people into arena’s and to watch on TV, drama.

My girlfriend doesn’t watch wrestling or any sport for that matter but she allowed me to school her in what I think wrestling is. I showed her a couple of Mick Foley matches, explained his life’s journey and all the good things we love about Mick. I then put on Foley vs. Orton from Backlash and during an EXTENDED sequence on Orton, after coping a barbed wire bat, thumbtacks, being thrown off the stage he managed to JUSSSSSST to kick out off a pin attempt and she gasped.

Knowing that it was fake, knowing there was a plan to the action she totally bought the storyline of the match and was invested in the…you guessed it, drama. Say what you will about old school wrestling they knew who to get a crowd into a match. It’s why the Junk Yard Dog would get people on their feet for a friggin’ bearhug.

I’m going to go there…Hulk Hogan. Crappy, terrible wrestling…absolute GENIUS worker. He could create interest and drama like no one else before him and people bought it hook, line and sinker. A good worker doesn’t have to kill himself to get a match over. Period. Guys like Carlito and Kendrick have miles of personality to burn and could have created an entertaining match without barely touching each other. Instead we get bland 50/50 back and forth and no drama.

Okay….rant over. Thank you for reading.
** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

– Vignettes for Kazarny

– Video fellatio package for John Cena’s return.

– Vicki Guerrero is in the ring…EXCUSE ME! She’s allowing the match signing for HHH vs. Kozlov as long as there is no physicality. She also notes that if Jeff Hardy takes care of The Undertaker tonight, he might find himself in the match at Survivor Series. Kozlov and HHH make their way to the ring. HHH notes it’s kind of special in the ring tonight, it’s sort of like a UN. We have a Russian, a Mexican and someone form Fatlavia…he’s kidding, Vicki’s really from Bulgegaria….no no, he meant Chunkyslovakia.

After the fun Kozlov signs the contract and lets fly in Russian. I ran this through the 411 translator and this is what he said….American woman with their trimmed poontang makes him sick. He likes hairy, Russian pussy soaked in vodka so he catches no disease. He will start a movement in the US that also has themes in the recent election…BRING BACK THE BUSH!!!!

Unfortunately for HHH he didn’t have my translation handy so he tells Kozlov that this isn’t his first BBQ and he’s been in this situation many times before where as Vlad hasn’t….but before things have a chance to get out of control Jeff Hardy makes the run-in. Splashes Vlad through the table, rips up the contract and throws it in Helmsly’s face.

Match #3: MVP vs. Kung Fu Naki
Lock-up and MVP takes control but before the we can get into it, The Great Khali w/Ranjin comes out, KARATE KIDE CRANE KICK OF INFINITE COOL form Funaki and he scores the win.

(No match=n/r)

– Khali gets in the ring and it’s time fro the UK Edition of the Khali Kiss KCam! We go through the usual routine with Khali intermittently taking out MVP and leaving him knocked out in the ring. Ranjin picks something even a prison-lifer wouldn’t touch and Khali licks the lips to go in (GREAT VISUAL…albeit disturbing) but gets the idea for her to kiss the prone MVP. MVP skatters when he comes too.

Match #4: Michelle McCool vs. Maria – Diva’s Title Match
Hurrapop: Diva time…yeah…I’m just saying.

Lock up to start as McCool gets the takedown and here is Festus lead by Jesse with a nice teddy bear for Maria. Maria takes control, gets an elbow off a corner charge and an enzuguri for 2. Maria hits some forearms but a backdrop attempt gets counters by McCool into an anklelock and Maria taps out.

(Crappy match barely a minute long. N/R)

– The final bell sends Festus nuts and he chases McCool out of the ring and very intensely helps Maria up and gives her the bear.

Match #5: The Undertaker vs. Jeff Hardy – Extreme Rules
Big pop for Hardy, as there has been throughout the show. Hardy evades to start, he hits a series of running forearms but eats a big boot on the third go round. ‘Taker misses an elbow drop and Hardy clotheslines him to the floor. UT lands on his feet but Jeff knocks him down with a rope-assisted kick through the ropes. Jeff to the outside and he runs the rails and nails UT. Hardy to the opposite rail but this doesn’t go as well as UT rams him into the steps as we go for a break…

…back from the break and we see highlights of UT running Jeff’s back into the corner post on the outside. We back in the ring as UT lands the big soup bones then tosses Hardy again to the floor. Whip into the barricade and a head ram into the announce table give UT the advantage and he lays Hardy on the apron, grabs a chair and lays it on Jeff’s head and nails the gullitine legdrop. Another ram into the ring steps leaves Jeff half under the ring apron. He comes up with a Kendo stick and unleashes some UNICORN PAIN with a bunch of cane shots. Undertaker realises he’s the f’n Undertaker and starts getting pissed and boots Hardy to the face to stop the onslaught. UT with the cane and he drills Jeff so hard he falls to the floor and follows him down and gives him two big headbutts but misses a running boot and crotches himself on the barricade. Hardy unleashes a flurry of punches but UT again realises he’s in trouble and gets out with a massive soup bone right hand. Hardy reverses a posting attempt and gets one of his own and nails a stairs-assisted poetry in motion. Back in and Hardy tries some more right hands but gets stopped by the big headbutt. Old school rope-walk gets broken up and Jeff goes under the ring and it’s stop….ladder time!!! Before Jeff can use it ‘Taker grabs it and trows it at Jeff in the corner. Corner whip gets countered by Jeff with the whisper in the wind and here comes The Big Show. He tosses Jeff to the floor, chokeslam on UT but Jeff tries someone off the tope rope which gets him caught by TBS but UT breaks that up with a chair shot, Hardy then grabs the chair, nails Undertaker, legdrop off the top of the ladder and there’s you winner!

HOLY FUCK!

We go backstage and Vicki tells Jeff that if he can beat HHH next week, he’s in the Survivor Series main event.

(I know some of my readers have been down on my use of a certain F word but I stand by my use here. Great main event. The story of this match was so well told. Crazy high flyer is trying to win the match by throwing EVERYTHING at his bigger, stronger opponent who always manages to stop him with huge blows. The upstart endures some serious pain but manages to get the advantage time and again because he gone completely mental. I didn’t even mind the interference because Hardy still had to win the match, he just used the moment that presented itself to his advantage. Much better than their ladder match classic from 2002. ****1/4)

The 411: Jeff Hardy strikes gold. I’m sure the naysayers will be out calling it Sting-lite but this was VERY Jeff Hardy in terms of how it came across. Seriously, if he makes it to Survivor Series and this character is still on play, I’m ordering the PPV. Rest of the show was typical SD! with little or no direction for the undercard but Hardy saves the day in a big way.