411’s WWE Velocity Report: 01.29.05

Well, we’re 24 hours away from the WWE show guaran-

Ummmm….

Likel-

Hmmmm….

Well, the show that might not disappoint. Should be fun. Before then, though, we’ve got VELOCITY! Let’s hit it!

Unfortunately, I don’t have my stopwatch with me, so I’ll have to estimate match times.

Scotty 2 Hotty versus Chavo Guerrero

Scotty 2 Hotty sorta fucks up his neck near the beginning, so Chavo fakes sympathy, then kicks his ass. It’s the least auspicious heel turn of all time! Chavo applies a necklock. Scotty gets up, but Chavo throws him down. Scotty still manages to get a back suplex, evening things out. Both men get up, and Scotty’s fine. He hits Chavo with a few punches, then gets a flying forearm. Chavo whips Scotty to the turnbuckle, but Scotty soon comes back with the bulldog and the Worm chop for two- Chavo gets his foot on the ropes. Chavo rolls Scotty up, but Brian Hebner stops the count when he notices Chavo’s hand on the ropes. Scotty reverses the roll up for the win.

Winner: Scotty 2 Hotty
Match Time: Approximately four minutes
Rating: *1/4
Commentary: Absolutely nothing, boring to watch. No clue why they’d turn Chavo like that, or if they’ll even acknowledge it. Or if it matters.

Rene Dupree versus Biohazard

Dupree extends a hand, then kicks Biohazard in the gut. He catches the jobber with a back elbow, then struts a bit. He takes him over with a hanging vertical suplex for two. Sure, I was unclear about the pronouns. You’ll have to guess who did what. Dupree chops away in the corner. I’m sure we’ll see more of that from Hardcore Holly later. Backdrop by Dupree, who then rams Biohazard into the turnbuckle. Biohazard gets a kick, then a flipping seated neckbreaker off the second rope for two. Dupree turns the tide with a clothesline, then dances. The Michinoku Driver finishes the match.

Winner: Rene Dupree
Match Time: Approximately two and a half minutes
Rating: **
Commentary: Short enough to be inoffensive.

Recap of the Stone Cold announcement. No, it’s nothing worth getting excited about.

On Smackdown, Heidenreich read an anti-Undertaker poem. When will he realize that people will take his work more seriously when it DOESN’T rhyme?

Nunzio versus Akio

Lockup to start, and Akio gets a wristlock. Nunzio tries to escape, but Akio keeps it cinched in. Nunzio grabs the top rope and backflips out, then gets a fireman’s carry for a one count. Nunzio gets a flying headscissors for two, then goes for a test of strength. Akio throws a kick, but Nunzio catches it and takes him down. Nunzio counters a tilt-a-whirl slam into an armbar, forcing Akio to get to the rope. Finally, Akio manages to knock Nunzio out of the ring with a kick. He goes out after Nunzio and slams him into the rail of pain with a Russian Legsweep. He rolls Nunzio in and applies a necklock, then whips Nunzio to the corner and hits the somersault kick. Akio follows up with a sidekick, but only gets two. Akio puts on a head twist, but Nunzio gets up lands a jawbreaker. Akio and Nunzio trade standing offense, then Nunzio gets a clothesline. He follows up with a backdrop and gets a two count on Akio. He gets another two off of a spinning neckbreaker, then bodyslams Akio. Akio elbows a corner charge, then goes to the second rope, but Nunzio climbs up and hits a high Italian Legsweep for two. Nunzio springs off the ropes at Akio, but Akio catches him in a gutbuster. Akio goes up top and gets Yang Time for the win.

Winner: Akio
Match Time: Approximately five minutes
Rating: **3/4
Commentary: Short, but very solid. These guys, London, and Moore do it every week on Velocity. They really need to start getting some high-profile matches.

On Smackdown, Bradshaw and Kurt Angle went to no contest in a Last Man Standing match. Ironically, that’s the outcome we’ve come to expect in Last Man Standing matches.

The Basham Brothers versus Hardcore Holly and Charlie Haas

They don’t say if this is a title match… say it with me… NOT THAT IT MATTERS! The Basham Brothers have awful music. I know what they’re going for, it’s just… horrible. Haas is just so unlucky to be stuck with Holly like this. Holly and Doug Basham start things out with a lockup, as they’ve done so many times before. Holly backs Doug into the corner, then hits a hard chop. He almost gets an Alabama Slam in the earlier goings, but Danny pulls Doug off, and Doug gets a DDT. Doug tags Danny, and the champs double team Holly. Are the Bashams still the Velocity Tag Champs? Nah, they must’ve lost the belts to Haas and Holly. Romero wishes Hardcore Holly a happy birthday, as do I. Here’s tipping your hat to 45 bitter, miserable years, Bob. To celebrate, he’ll get drunk and injure Chris Masters. Doug has a chinlock on Holly, but Holly fights out and gets a back suplex. Holly tries to tag, but Danny gets in and pulls him back to the heel corner. Doug covers for two, then applies a full nelson. Holly gets out and makes the hot tag to Haas, who handles both Bashams. He goes for the Exploder on Danny, who fights him off. Haas takes him down and applies the Haas of Pain, but Doug comes off the top with a diving headbutt. Holly chases Doug out of the ring, but Doug gets back in, switches with Danny, and hits the Leg Lariat on Haas for the win.

Winners: The Basham Brothers
Match Time: Approximately five minutes
Rating: **1/4
Commentary: Satisfying- nay, therapeutic- to see Holly take the Ricky Morton beatdown. Decent match.

Not a throwaway show. Hope you enjoy the Rumble!