The Burning Hammer Video Review: CZW – No Pun Intended

Ladies and gents, never let it be said that I do not love my readers. Now that I have a little more time on my hands, and my PC back, I will be able to do video reviews again. First up: a CZW event. I figured it was time to put aside my hatred of hardcore wrestling and see what these people had to offer. Let us begin. BANNER!

Thanks to Benjamin Colón of Soul Exodus for the swank new banner

CZW No Pun Intended

Nicky Benz is out in a straw hat, $2 sunglasses and a Hawaiian shirt with khaki shorts. DOCTOR OF STYLE! The event is being held outside, which could be fun if it rains. He cuts a rambling promo against Necro Butcher, which is actually not bad in terms of delivery, but made little sense. Some music hits and Nate Hatred is out. Benz charges him and gets dropped with a tree slam. Hatred pulls down Benz’s shorts (no, seriously), revealing more buttock than I ever want to see again, and throws Benz out of the ring. His manager, somebody Aronofsky (culturally relevant gimmick FTW!) jumps on Hatred’s back but gets annihilated with a lariat, then press slammed to the outside onto Nicky Benz. Hatred poses but is attacked from behind by a big shaggy guy who plows him into the corner with shoulders, whips him to the opposite side and hits an avalanche. Hatred is sitting on the mat and eats a low shoulder block, but he completely no sells it, gets up and lays in some shots. Kicks in the corner, apparently shaggy dude is calld Cashmere. A pair of whips and a sloppy German by Hatred enable him to throw Cashmere to the outside, where we see Nicky Benz and a disturbing bulgewith his fallen compadres. Ummm…OK. They head to the back and…I wish I was kidding about this, but they are LITERALLY in someone’s backyard. The entryway leads to the freaking back door. Oh this is tremendous.

Match 1 – Ryan McBride vs LJ Cruz

McBride is out to some Celtic music and looks very generic. LJ Cruz at least has a bit of fire but the 80 people present don’t ssem to care. Falls count anywhere match. Yay.

Lockup, arm ringers by Cruz. Kip up escabe by McBride, Cruz applies a headlock. Rope running by both men ends with a nice high dropkick by Cruz.McBride rolls to the outside, Cruz follows with some shots and hits a rana using the corner post for acceleration for two on the grass. Never thought I’d have to type that. McBride gets thrown back in, Cruz tries to follow but gets punted in the chiclets for his trouble. Rope-assisted elevated DDT by McBride gets 2. Shades of Orton! Backbreaker gets 2 more. Snap mare and a basement dropkick get 2 more, and McBride applies a reverse chinlock. Cruz elbows out and runs the ropes but comes back into a gorgeous dropkick for 2 more. Whip reversed, Cruz comes charging and hits a beautiful high knee in the corner, leaving him sitting on the top rope! Nice. Second rope splash gets 2 for Cruz. McBride rolls out againbut eats a baseball slide that sends him over the guard rail into the crowd. Rather, where the crowd would be if anyone showed up. Springboard forearm off the rail! 2 count for Cruz. Whip into the chairs! Empty chairs, I might add. Enziguiri by Cruz and McBride falls into the chair, seated. Aww he needed a break. Beats a rest hold I guess. STIFF round kick to the face, Cruz goes for a DVD!!! McBride slides off and hits a chair shot for 2. He drives Cruz’s head to the rail and fetches a table with the help of the event staff. Isn’t that nice? He sets the table by the wall of the house then levels Cruz with a forearm while he rearranges some more furniture. Chair shot to the face! There are 2 tables set up now, Cruz is laid on them and McBride goes inside…he’s on the roof!!! The commentators reckon it’s 25 feet. Fail, 15 maximum. SENTON OFF THE ROOF gets the 3. Mick Foley eat your heart out.

Winner: Ryan McBride via pinfall (senton off the roof through tables)
Rating: **½ Aside from the roof spot there was almost nothing to this, but it wasn’t bad either. They just went out and did stuff. They did a bad edit job when McBride went inside to get to the roof, meaning that Cruz would have been laid out on those tables for a long-ass time. Suspension of disbelief at its finest.

Match 2 – Alex Colon and Joe Gacy vs The Reason and Adam Cole

Gacy looks like a thug. Colon looks like a toothpick. Good Lord a black dude sighting! That would be The Reason, he’s large and has a good look. Cole just…doesn’t. He makes Colin Delaney look like Tank Abbott. Gacy and Colon attack before the bell, making them EVIL HEELS~! Double whip, the faces avoid the attacks and send the heels to the outside. Cole takes a run and hits a somersault plancha to both opponents! Reason follows him out and attacks Colon. Back inside, a whip by Reason followed by a BUTT-BUTT! Shades of Iceman King Parsons! WOW a release T-Bone suplex sends Colon all the way across the ring, beautiful.1 count only before Colon gets a foot to the rope. Tag to Cole, a whip and a leg lariat get 2. This Cole guy is thin but defined, and he reminds me a bit of Paul London. Colon comes back with heel tactics and a flying boot for 2. Tag to Gacy who elevates Cole into the electric chair position, Colon runs to the corner and vaults off with a flying kick…oh my. That could have been nasty, Gacy couldn’t hold on to Cole and he slipped off the shoulders, almost landing on his cranium. The crowd lets him know he fucked up. I have no idea what that was meant to be but it wasn’t. Elbow drop by Gacy, followed by a knee lift. Gacy has Cole up for a powerbomb but GOD DAMN he almost kills him again, trying to drop the powerbomb over his own knee but almost missing. He came about 2 inches away from doing to that kid what Nash did to The Giant. 2 count before Reason breaks it up. Tag to Colon who comes in with forearms, Cole fights back with some of his own but loses the exchange. Another flying boot by Colon and it was delightful. Tag back to Gacy who applies a modified camel clutch. At least he won’t drop him on his head with that. He releases the clutch and tries for a scoop slam, Cole wriggles out with a rollup for 2 but is kicked off and into the cornerpost by Gacy. Colon runs along the apron and delivers a big kick! Gacy charges and hits the STO backbreaker! That looked pretty good. 1…2…no. Reason breaks it up again. Gacy runs Cole’s head along the top rope, whips him to the corner and follows in with a back elbow. Tag to Colon, he hits a suplex and tags Gacy who perches Cole for a superplex…Cole blocks and throws Gacy off! High crossbody by Cole! Both men are down and I smell a hot tag. Yup, here it is. Lariat! Lariat! Lariat! Spinning uranage backbreaker to Colon! He is a House~! En~! FUEGO~! Snap mare and basement dropkick to Gacy! Colon comes back with a running kick to Reason, then turns his attention to Cole. Colon and Reason are the legal men. Cole is once again perched up top, another superplex try is blocked and turned into FUCK ME BACKWARDS WITH A TELEPHONE POLE! CANADIAN DESTROYER FROM THE TOP! Absolutely picture-perfect! Gacy schoolboys Cole from behind! Handful of tights! 3!

Winners: Gacy and Colon via pinfall (schoolboy with tights, which sounds like Cook’s wet dream)
Rating: *½ Tough one to rate. Colon seemed to know nothing but kicks to the head, and Gacy seemed intent on killing a bitch, but Reason and especially Cole showed some flashes of quality. Of course, the sheer markout value of a top rope destroyer needs to be taken into account. In the end, I can’t get past the sloppy offence of the two heels.

Match 3 – Greg Excellent vs E.M.O

Oh haha, I get it, E.M.O is an emo kid! Hilarity! He is automatically the most hated man on the show, I imagine. He’s playing the role well, but why the fuck are his tights yellow and red??? Greg Excellent is RickRolling us! Never Gonna Give You Up! He hails from wherever food is plentiful! Numerous Purchases!

Greg challenges EMO to knock him down. EMO weighs 130 soaking wet with a brick in each pocket, Excellent is easily double that. As you can imagine, this venture does not work out too well for EMO. Maybe he will go cut himself? After the third attempt EMO bounces off, Excellent looks at him and throws himself to the mat. This will be the comedy match then. They run the ropes, Excellent makes as if to leapfrog EMO but EMO thinks better of the idea of running under Greg’s ass. Greg tells him to do it again, again EMO chickens out. Third time lucky? EMO tries to slide under, Greg catches him and drops an Edge O Matic onto the knee. Ouch. 1 count only for Greg. BIG chops by Excellent, a whip and he drops his head, so EMO kicks it. Very obliging.EMO hits the ropes again, Excellent drops his head again and EMO rolls over the back. Kick to the gut by EMO, combo of kicks to the legs followed by an enziguiri! He runs up the turnbuckles and hits a sweet tornado DDT for 2! He argues with the ref and throws an emo tantrum, then goes up top…CAUGHT by Excellent into an ivnerted atomic! EMO singin’ soprano! Suplex position by Greg…drops him into a uranage! 2 count only off the cover. Double underhook lift, EMO goes over the top and hits a kick to the gut, hits the ropes and hits another to the head! Tries a rana…CAUGHT by Excellent and power bombed into the turnbuckles! Head first! Greg takes a run up and CANNONBALL! Vertical Tiger Driver! That’s all.

Winner: Greg Excellent via pinfall (vertical Tiger Driver)
Rating: ** Extended squash, but Excellent made EMO look very capable on offence, and very tough as he took a fair bit of punishment. Nothing went wrong with this match and the Tiger Driver is always fun to see, but a squash is a squash.

Match 4 – Cheech and Cloudy vs Team AnDrew (Andy Sumner and Drew Gulak)

Finally, someone I’ve heard of. Cheech and Cloudy are CHIKARA regulars and have also appeared for ROH, and I KNOW I’ve seen Gulak somewhere before. Cheech and Cloudy are announced as being from Jamaica, but appear to have seen 3 days of sun in their entire lives. Sumner and Gulak are very similar-looking, which is a bad thing.

Lockup, Cheech with a side headlock takedown on Gulak. Drew turns into a hammerlock, a leg lace takes down which he turns into a modified Regal Stretch! Technical skillz! Cheech makes the ropes. Both men to their feet, Cheech gets a waistlock takedown and celebrates like he won Olympic gold. He calms down and wants a test of strength, then cheapshots to gain control. They work some nice mat wrestling reversals, Cheech gets a mount and lays some double chops to the chest of Gulak and a 2 count. Sunset flip counter by Gulak gets 2, both men up and Gulak gets a dropkick, knocking Cheech into his partner! Both heels are on the outside. The commentators are trying to sell a TLC match in July of 2008 between Cheech and Cloudy and the team of 2 Girls 1 Cup, where if Cheech and Cloudy lose, Cloudy has to spend 5 minutes with a gentleman rejoicing in the name of Beef. It seems Beef prefers the company of men. Apparently moot and the 4chan mods book CZW. Cheech finally comes back in, then tags Cloudy who demands that Sumner tag in. The faces oblige and Sumner shows Teh Powah by showing Cloudy across the ring. They lockup again and Sumner repeats the exercise. Once more they lock up, Cloudy is pushed off and gets obliterated with a shoulder block. To the ropes again, Cloudy tries to slide through the legs but gets caught and slammed. Front facelock by Sumner, and as if that didn’t suck enough Sumner rolls across the ring to increase the pressure. We should see more of that. Cloudy tries to counter a whip but cannot get enough leverage, Sumner reels him in and hits a high relese Northern Lights. Cloudy rolls outside to regroup, then comes back in to tage Cheech. They exchange shots in the center of the ring, Cheech gains control and whips Sumner who comes right off with a flying shoulder tackle. Cheech tries to flee but Gulak throws him back in. Tag to Gulak, double whip, double elbow, double whip, double spinebuster! They hold on and apply a double single-leg crab! This is what I miss, real tag team wrestling. Cloudy breaks the hold with cheap shots from behind. Gulak gets 2 on the cover. Whip to Cheech, he avoids the charge and whips Gulak then follows him in with a nice spear in the corner. Release fisherman gets 2. Tag to Cloudy, they go to whip Gulak but pull him back and drop him with a double Russian leg sweep, bending Gulak back instead of dropping him. How To Pop Both Quads in 3 Easy Steps. Hangman’s neckbreaker by Cloudy gets 2. Tag to Cheech who hits a belly to back for 2. Front facelock applied, Gulak battles out but gets hit with a drop toehold. Tag to Cloudy who drops an elbow for a pair of 1 counts. Heel tactics by Cheech and Cloudy, followed by a snap mare and a dragon sleeper by Cloudy. Nice escape from Gulak into what showed have been a magistral, but he fluffed it. Cloudy backs him to the corner and tags in Cheech. Front facelock reapplied, perfect positioning keeping Gulak as far as possible from the tag. Gulak powers towards his own corner for the tag but the heels work more nefarious tactics. Cheech stomps a hole in Gulak’s chest in the corner then tags in Cloudy, who stands on Gulak’s throat. Charming. Reverse chinlock by Cloudy, Gulak elbows out and gets a rollup, Cloudy kicks out and 2 and sends Gulak right to his own corner! Tag to Sumner and he is a House~! En~! Fuego~! Shoulder tackles take out both heels! T-Bone to Cheech…Cloudy tries to intercept and he grabs Cloudy too! T-BONE TO BOTH MEN! Great spot. Sumner has Cheech up in the DVD position, kick to the gut of Cloudy and he picks him up too! Airplane spin to both men!!! OK dude be strong. Northern Lights release to Cheech. Whip to Cloudy pops him up flapjack stykle then ctaches him and drives him down for a powerslam. 1…2…no. Tag to Gulak, they whip Cloudy in and both men hit clotheslines on Cloudy. They set Cloudy up…Hi-Lo! Cheech makes the save at 2. Cloudy gets put on the top, Gulak and Sumner go up with him but Cheech knocks Sumner to the outside and holds Gulak in powerbomb position! Cloudy off the top…Missile dropkick into a backbreaker combo! It looked a bit sloppy but it will be enough!

Winners: Cheech and Cloudy via pinfall (Cheech on Gulak, missile kick/backbreaker combo)
Rating: ***¼ Best match of the show so far. Both teams had good periods in charge, Team AnDrew looked especially good but Cheech and Cloudy more than held their own. Some nice spots in this one too.

So from the commentary I have been able to deduce that “Beef” is Beef Wellington, he of the ass punch, and that the team of he and Greg Excellent is known as 2 Girls 1 Cup.

I’m learnding!

Match 5 – Drew Blood vs Ruckus (with Robbie Moreno and Krissy Rivera)

Hahahaha “Drew Blood”, get it? Oh bite me. He looks like Kevin Steen. Ruckus of course is the same Ruckus from RoH’s Vulture Squad. It looks to be getting a little dark outside.

Stalling action to start. They finally lock up and Blood has early control of the arm. They work some basic reversals until Ruckus tries to get fancy with flips and Blood just creams him with a forearm. Knees to the back of the head now by Blood, who then decides to jawjack with the fans. Whip to Rucksus rversed, Blood ducks two attacks and runs right into a HIGH leg lariat. Ruckus ducks a haymaker and hits 2 stiff kicks, then whips Blood to the ropes. Blood holds on, Ruckus charges and gets backdropped over the top to land on the apron. Both men duck wild swipes, Blood hits a low drop kick to send Ruckus to the lawn. Blood with the somersault plancha to the outside! He took out Moreno into the bargain. They brawl on the outside with nothing eventful happening until Ruckus hits a big roaring forearm. There is a PORTAPOTTY! If someone doesn’t go into that thing I will be sorely disappointed. As I type that, Ruckus whips Blood into the portapotty! Alas, the door remains closed. Back towards the ring, Ruckus with a chop and a whip into the barricade. Ruckus goes for a scoop slam but Blood escapes out the back and runs Ruckus to the rail, then whips him to the opposite rail. Ruckus catches him coming in, rolls Blood back into the ring and gets a 2 count. Very slow shoulder charges in the corner by Ruckus, whip to the corner and Blood comes out charging, Ruckus ducks the attack and hits a superkick followed by a high running knee in the corner. Whip to the opposite corner, Ruckus goes with the handsprings and Blood CATCHES HIM mid-flip with a lag lariat! Beautiful. Punches by Blood, a scoop slam and a running leg drop get 2., brother. Blood tries a kick but Ruckus catches the leg and hits a dragon screw, then applies a figure four! Moreno comes over to apply more leverage by pulling Ruckus’ arms, then the fans start pulling Moreno’s arm! All of this while Krissy distracts the ref. They try it again but the ref sees it and breaks the hold. If there’s a swarm of bees around the ref is done for, that is one ugly ref shirt. Yellow and black? Whip by Ruckus, he charges behind but Blood turns and STOs him into the turnbuckle! Nice story of preparation being told here. Ruckus is placed in superplex position, Blood goes up with him but Ruckus fights it off and FALCON ARROW FROM THE TOP! Both men are down, they both get up and start slugging it out in the middle of the ring. Ruckus wins the exchange, hits a spinning backhand (!!!) but has the roaring elbow blocked. Ruckus goes to spin again but Blood stops him and goes for a back suplex, Ruckus floats over and tries an inverted suplex, Blood escapes and applies a rear waistlock long enough for Ruckus to elbow him and backflip over to apply a wasitlock of his own. He runs Blood into the turnbuckles and turns him around into a rolling cradle suplex for 2.81! Nice sequence. Ruckus positions Blood and goes to the corner…springboard corkscrew senton gets the 3!

Winner: Ruckus via pinfall (springboard corkscrew senton)
Rating: **3/4 There was nothing wrong with this one, but it just didn’t feel like anything special to me. A couple of nice spots but much of the match just dragged, like they were feeling each other out. There was a good story being told of Blood scouting Ruckus, which gave the match a little extra, but otherwise unmemorable.

Match 6 – Danny Demanto vs Jon Dahmer

Danny is no relation to Damien Demento. He’s another doughy-looking guy, not that I have much room to talk. Or move in my chair. Demanto gets on the mic and instantly goes for the cheap heat by calling some guy a virgin. He then starts on the crowd for being to quiet. Well if you hold a match in someone’s back yard…Dahmer charges the ring as apparently these two used to be tag champs.

Dahmer chases Demanto around the outside before the bell. On the outside Demanto disrobes down to his tights, and the fans give him crap for it. Test of strength, Demanto comes out of it early and controls the arm. Whip by Demanto, he drops his head and Dahmer goes over for a sunset flip attempt which Demanto counters with a senton. 2 count only and Demanto applies a chinlock. Dahmer with gut punches to break the hold but Demanto throws him down and stands on his head. Guess he couldn’t finnd a footstool. Demanto…wow. This next bit is so awesome, I must describe it in detail. He straddles a prone Dahmer, who is face-down, slaps his gut, shouts “The Iron Sheik is in the house! pulls his non-existent moustache, and says “I will break your back, I will fack you in your ass, and I will make you HUMBELL. Iran Number 1! Jon Dahmer, number 1 jabroni!” Dahmer manages to escape the hold and Demanto rolls outside to bathe in his awesome. That was…

Dahmer fights back with rights, a whip and a series of clotheslines. Whip and a back body drop. Back drop driver by Dahmer and both men are down. If this match were any slower…well, it wouldn’t ber very fast at all now, would it? Dahmer crawls over for a cover but Demanto gets his foot on the rope at 2. Whip by Dahmer reversed, Demanto charges with a butt butt and then a basement crossbody in the corner gets 2. Yes, I said basement crossbody. Dahmer takes advantage of Demanto blabbing with the fans and fights back with some of the worst punches this side of Shane McMahon, then hits a…I have no idea. He set him for a Russian leg sweep, hooked the inside leg and then took him over as in a back suplex, dropping Demanto on the external occipital protuberance. It was gorgeous. Both men are down, Dahmer drapes an arm on Demanto and gets a long 2. Dahmer pulls him up but eats a jawbreaker. Demanto goes up top for a moonsault but gets crotched, Dahmer puls him off the ropes and onto his shoulder, then drops him on his head. That’ll be all.

Winner: Jon Dahmer via pinfall (piledriver variant)
Rating: ** This was slow and short, and it only gets the rating it gets because of two lovely moves by Dahmer and the Iron Sheik impression. You’d think two guys who used to tag together would know each other a bit better.

Match 7 – Sonjay Dutt vs Pinkie Sanchez

This is from June of 2008, so Dutt was actually in a major angle on TNA at the time of this event. The bacne is in full effect and none of the fans seem to give a fuck that he’s here. Sanchez comes out to Hey Mickey and is a skinny little fucker hailing from “the Neverland Ranch Projects”. He is also accompanied by a scantily dressed female in a very visible g-string. Sonjay gets the mic and wants Pinkie to dance, so Dutt can humiliate him with his superior dance moves. Pinkie does his thing and it’s bad. Dutt calls for his music, teases the Sprinkler and hits a roaring clothesline on Sanchez instead. Thank God for that. Dutt whips Sanchez who instead jumps THROUGH the ropes and dances for the front row. Dutt tries to follow him out but Sanchez goes back in, and hits a double slaop to the ears when Sonjay gets on the apron. Tope to the outside by Sanchez and the crowd are finally waking up. Right hand by Sanchez puts Sonjay into a chair in the corner of the barricade, and Sanchez rams his bony butt into Sonjay’s face. Seriously dude, eat a cheeseburger. Sanchez plays to the crowd, hauls a teenager out of the front row and starts the Ole chant…then USES THE KID TO HIT SONJAY! That’s hilarious. Back in the ring, Sonjay immediately regains control with a jawbreaker. Whip to the corner, Sonjay follows him in with a back elbow then whips him to the opposite corner. Sonjay charges but Sanchez blocks, goes up top and hits a TOP ROPE BUTT BUTT!!! Kicks to the back by Sanchez and another ass attack gets 2. He runs the ropes and tries to wheelbarrow himself but Sonjay counters by dropping straight down. Sonjay drapes Pinkie over the ropes and then superkicks him to the outside. Sonjay fakes a dive to the outside then poses. He finally does go outside and they brawl, Pinkie whips Sonjay to the barricade but Sonjay pulls up short. Pinkie charges and Sonjay hiptosses him into the chairs! Springboard attack off the barricade by Sonjay! Dutt throws Sanchez back over the railing and then rolls him inside the ring. Cocky pin gets 2. Snap mare and Dutt scrapes the boots across Pinkie’s face. Shoulder charges in the corner, a whip and a flying back elbow by Sonjay. Another snap mare gets 2 more. Vertical suplex by Dutt, he hits an atomic drop but the Bony Butt of Doom hurts Sonjay’s knee! “Pinky’s ass is like a Samoan’s head!” – commentator. Uhhh, OK. Pinkie fights back and gets a small package for 2 but Sonjay regains control with a back elbow. Pinkie fights back again, blocking a kick and hitting a step-up enziguiri. Flying forearm and a dropkick by Pinkie, followed by a leg lariat for 2. Whip by Pinkie, he charges but Sonjay does his sliding-between-the-ropes dodge followed by the kick using the middle rope as a pivot. Springboard try by Sonjay, Sanchez avoids it and hits a superkick, he tries to lift Sonjay to the Air Raid Crash position but Sonjay rolls through into a sunset flip. Sanchez rolls through that, jumps over Sonjay a couple of times and hits another ass attack to the head of a seated Sonjay.2 count only. That is one hard ass. Pinkie positions Dutt on the top, he tries a top rope rana but Dutt holds on, then hits a missile dropkick for 2. Small package out of nowhere by Sanchez gets 2! Sanchez ducks a clothesline and gets a backslide for two. Hammerlock into a modified small package gets 2 more. Chop exchange won by Sonjay when he goes to the eyes. Sonjay runs the ropes, Sanchez counters, rolls all over him and gets another rollup for 2. Sort of a Magistral cradle there. Sonjay with a kick to the gut, tried the sliced breadbut Dutt pushed him off. Air Raid Crash try again, Sonjay rolls through for a sunset flip but Sanchez just sits down, hooks both legs and gets the 3! Upset!

Winner: Pinkie Sanchez via pinfall (sunset flip reversal)
Rating: ** I couldn’t really get into this match. Sanchez is more of an entertainer than a wrestler, but he’s so skinny that it’s hard to buy him as anything other than a joke. The constant ass offence was a bit old after a while too. Dutt didn’t look anywhere near as good as he does in TNA, probably wasn’t going to do too much for 80 people in some dude’s garden…

Unlucky 13 Match

I should mention going in that I have no idea what an Unlucky 13 match is. I presume it has 13 people in it? First out is DJ Hyde, who has a belt, the Iron Man championship apparently. Is it defended in Iron Man matches? Hyde looks a little like Lance Storm, and his catchphrase appears to be “I just hurt people, mostly.” Yeah that works. He gets on the mic and starts running everyone down until a man rejoicing in the epithet Z-Barr comes down. He too gets run down by Hyde. They make penis jokes and gay jokes, then they engage in some dick-waving. Barr says he has an insurance policy, which would probably be the large angry-looking gentleman standing behind Hyde. Yes, yes it was as Barr and Other Dude (who has not name, apparently) engage in a two-on-one beating of Hyde. For some reason there is a ref and he calls for the bell. Is this a match now? Other Dude leaves the ring while Barr chokes Hyde. OK, we have just had the stipulation of this match announced…staple thirteen $1 bills to your opponent. Ouch. I wonder if it counts if the 9th bill is a five? Or do you then go and get 4 more and not win goes you only have twelve $1 bills? GIMMICK NEEDS EXPLAINING! Z-Barr has the gun, staples one bill to Hyde’s chest and one more to his morehead. Kick to the gut and another bill is stapled! Other Dude holds Hyde down and they staples one to Hyde’s back. Barr and Dude celebrate but Hyde is up! He throws Dude outside, lays in a kick to Barr and staples Barr 5 times, the last one in the neck! Apparently the money is not required, just the staples. I guess they couldn’t afford a whole $13. Barr rolls to the outside and flees with Other Dude. Hyde follows and has a chair…BIG chair shot to Other Dude! Barr has the stapler! He gets 2 more staples! 6-5 for Barr! Barr mugs for the camera, allowing Hyde to regain control with some kicks. Hyde removes his shirt and staples THAT to Barr’s head! 2 more staples and it’s 8-6. Shot by Barr, he positions Hyde in front of the corner post and tells the crowd to hush while he chops…the ringpost! DAMN you could hear the clang! Apparently after the 13th staple you still have to pin the guy. At least the stapler isn’t on a pole. Hyde staples a dollar to Barr’s hand, then hits him in the head a couple of times with the stapler. Hyde gets a chair and warns off Other Dude, then creams Barr with a chairshot. Barr asks for another! Hyde makes a backswing but instead…PURPLE NURPLE! That’s it, I have reached the pinnacle of wrestling journalism. Nothing can possibly ever top a purple nurple in a 13 Staples match. STAPLE TO THE NIPPLE! Other Dude tries to protect Barr, he and Hyde brawl and Hyde gets the upper hand. Hyde goes back after Z-Barr who throws numerous chairs at Hyde. Barr staples Hyde twice, it’s now 10-8 for Hyde. Other Dude takes Hyde to the post and holds him for another staple. Back in the ring and another staple ties it at 10, then one more. Hyde fights back with gut shots, he grabs the stapler and gets one to the head, then one to the nuts! 13th staple to the ass of Barr!! A 14th for good measure, then a whip and an avalanche. Hyde calls for a chair from the crowd, which he gets and places in front of Barr’s face. Barr is seated in the corner. Running knee attack to the chair! Hyde sets the chair up in the middle of the ring and grabs someone’s…walking cane? It’s not quite Mad Dog’s prosthetic leg, but whatever. Barr manages to grab the cane and use it himself! Very weak nut shot with the cane, a jab to the throat and Barr does a poor La Parka impression on the chair. He takes Hyde’s face to the chair and retrieves the stapler for his 12th, then jawjacks the crowd. Headbutt by Barr may not have been smart, as Hyde hits 2 of his own, but Barr regains control with a kick to the gutt and a chop. Barr pulls the straps down and Hyde returns the chop with interest. Other Dude finally remembers he can interfere and pulls Hyde outside for a beating, then rolls him back in. Barr cinchces up on a front facelock, yells “Thank you Gangrel!” and hits an impaler DDT onto the chair! He goes for the cover but does not yet have 13 staples! Other dude sets up a plethora of chairs on the outside while Barr gets staple #13. There are about 10 chairs, unfolded and stacked into a pyramid on the outside. Other dude and Barr set to suplex Hyde to the outside onto the chairs, Hyde blocks it twice then fights his way out. Backfist to Other Dude! Z-Barr charges and gets backdropped into the chairs! Would have been better if it wasn’t so telegraphed. Other dude is in, he charges right into a Bossman Slam! Hyde retrieves Barr and rolls him back in, then staples Other dude a couple times before killing him with a lariat. Slap to the face of Barr, Shadow Driver and that’s about it.

Winner: DJ Hyde via pinfall (Shadow Driver)
Rating: **¼ This wasn’t as bad as I feared. They did some interesting stuff but the fact that it was a handicap match for all intents and purposes and the guy on his own won it was annoying. It also plodded. However the DDT to the chair, the finisher and of course the purple nurple saved the rating somewhat.

Main Event – Trent Acid vs Drake Younger

Younger is the indy darling of people “too cool for ROH” since it got all “mainstream”. Whatever that means. Acid WAS in ROH as part of the Backseat Boys, but they weren’t exactly popular for some reason. Acid is out first and apparently hails from South Philadelphia, Japan. Acid cuts a standard “I’m back to win titles” promo, then calls out anyone who wants to make a name for themselves. Younger answers the challenge, wearing the Ultraviolent Underground title belt. Acid has kind of an early Matt Hardy look to him.

Headlock early by Younger. To the ropes and a shoulder block by Younger. Series of arm drags by Younger and he takes control of the arm. Shoulder charges in the corner by Younger, a whip to the opposite side and Younger follows him in, only to meet a boot. Acid with a whip, it’s reversed, Acid holds the ropes but Younger charges him and takes them both over and out to the floor.Younger climbs to the apron and hits a somersault senton to a standing Trent Acid! Younger with some shots on the outside, followed by a body slam on the grass. Younger tries to climb the barricade but can’t keep his balance! Fail. He tries a Vader Bomb-style splash instead but Acid moves and Younger gets nothing but grass. Acid has a chair and launches it into the face of Younger! Younger fires back with an elbow, then gets the chair himself and nails Acid on the back. He calls for some chairs from the audience and they get piled on the outside. He pulls Acid to the apron, lays in a few shots then perches Acid on the top. Sweet mother of God he’s going to superplex him to the outside into the pile of half-opened chairs! Acid blocks it, they struggle on the apron until Acid gets a DDT on the apron. Acid throws a few chairs into the ring and tries to wake up the fans. It doesn’t work. Back in the ring, Acid tells the ref to set up the chairs while he brings Younger in. Younger buries a shoulder to the gut frmo the apron, he tries a second but Acid evades and hits the rope-assisted cutter followed by a springboard corkscrew. Cover gets 2. Acid resorts to some chokes, lays in a couple of rights and tries to whip Younger, kick to the gut reverses the whip and he taskes Acid up to DVD position. Acid slips out and hits a gorgeous dropkick. Springboard tornado DDT to the chair! 2 count only! Acid VERY SLOWLY sets up another chair, perches Younger on the top ropes and tries the Acid Bomb, Younger has a counter, drop toe hold by Younger and a low dropkick through the chair! Death Valley Driver backfirst to the chair!!! 2 count only!!! Younger tries for the Vertebrekaer, reversed into a rollup for 2. Attack flurry by Acid, who heads to the second rope and hits a leaping DDT for 3. Acid calls for some more chairs to align his feng shui, that sets them up with one table horizontally across two others. NOW the fans are into it. Acid tries a suplex into the stacked chairs, Younger blocks and tries a suplex of his own, but Acid escapes out the back door. Another vertebreaker attempt is no more successful that the first, Acid catches a Blue Thunder on Younger into the chairs! Acid sets up more chairs in the same configuration then chokes Younger with wrist tape. Acid places Younger’s face on the horizontal chair, climbs to the top…LEG DROP TO THE BACK OF THE HEAD! Younger went face-first into the chair! 2 count only though. I should point out that the chairs never budged. Acid once again sets a chair and tries a DDT, Younger shoves him off but is too groggy to know where Acid is and gets kicked on the back of the head. A few counters later, Younger has Acid up for the vertebreaker…to the chair!!! 1…2…3!!!

Winner: Drake Younger via pinfall (Vertebreaker to a chair)
Rating: **3/4 It was pretty good, but it never really felt anything more than pretty good. They did work in some nice spots but they didn’t integrate well into the match, too much time was spent setting up pretty chair formations. Not what I expected from the highly-touted Younger.

The 411: Slightly better than average, which is a lot better than expected. They're not all exploding barbed wire deathmatches in CZW and they actually have some guys who look like they can go places, providing they shake the garbage wrestling tag. I was surprised to see how bush league everything looked though. Still, in the ring there was nothing absolutely horrible, and I will be looking for another CZW show to review. Oh, and minus 0.5 for nobody getting a swirly in the portapotty. BOOOOO!

Final Score:  5.9   [ Not So Good ]