The Smackdown Breakdown 05.19.05

America’s long national nightmare is over — “Arrested Development” has been renewed. Now we can all go back to not watching it.

I think it was pretty obvious that Angle was just using Sharmell as bait to lure Booker T to the locker room so he could jump him from behind. It’s mind games.

I loved JBL too.

Shawn

Why would he leave Booker unconscious in the ring and then lure him to the back? You can’t get a much better advantage than having the guy unconscious in the ring.

I also got a request to do match times buried somewhere in the 250 German e-mails I got. The reason I don’t is because I don’t record Raw or Smackdown and that’s the only clock I have that has a reliable second hand — that’s why match times for the PPVs…not that I record the PPVs without the expressed written consent of the WWE and Dishnetwork. I’m pretty sure the rest of the guys do match times, so the info shouldn’t be that hard to time.

WWE Smackdown — 5/19/05

From Sioux City, Iowa.

Your hosts are Michael Cole and Tazz.

Carlito’s Cabana

Carlito Cool comes out to say that you don’t say “no” to him. The Big Show said no and he got poisoned. So, Big Show has challenged Carlito to a match. That’s okay, says Carlito. He’s extended the same deal to Matt Morgan and he’s accepted…after about twenty minutes of trying.

Carlito: Where?

Morgan: The Caaaaaaa….the Caaaaaaa…the Caaaa.

Carlito: No hurry. Take your time.

Morgan: The Caaaa–the Caaaaa! THE CAAAAAAAA!

Carlito: Write it!

Morgan writes it down.

Carlito: Cathcart Towers Hotel.

Morgan: (nodding) Cathcart Towers Hotel.

Big Show is out to get some revenge. Morgan takes him down long enough for Carlito to get away.

A commercial announcement from the friends and fans…uh, fan of John Bradshaw Layfield. JBL rightly points out that George Jones never shot Merle Haggard. Ah, but Johnny Cash shot a man in Reno…just to watch him die. JBL is upset that Cena is rapping about having sex with women that are not his wife. Pssst! Don’t let JBL watch Raw.

John Bradshaw Field vs. Scottie II Hottie.

Poor Scottie. He always seems to be the sacrificial lamb to get the heel pumped up for the PPV. He does manage to get in a thrust kick her, but JBL bounces off the ropes and levels him with a Clothesline From Hell. He continues the beatdown in the corner, not heeding the referee’s reprimand. Eventually, the ref has to disqualify JBL. Layfield doesn’t care, though. He just wants to beat on Scottie until he says, “I quit.” Scottie must’ve bought Cena’s CD. 1/2*

Booker T wants a piece of Kurt Angle, but Teddy Long has banned him from the arena. He’ll get his shot soon enough, but tonight he takes on Mark Jindrak.

Mark Jindrak tries to smooth things over with Sharmell, but he winds up putting his foot in his mouth. Booker T jumps him, and they fight all the way to the ring.

Booker T vs. Mark Jindrak.

Booker opens a can of whoopass, apparently busting Jindrak open. Booker no-sells the Jindrak Jab or whatever name you want to call that punch. Jindrak avoids the scissors kick, but runs right into the Book End. Booker seems reinvigorated over the past few weeks. 3/4*

Teddy Long warns JBL that if he continues to misbehave, he’ll take a hit in the pocketbook.

Recap of the loving relationship between Eddy and Rey that was torn asunder by jealousy and suspicion.

Eddy Guerrero comes out with Rey’s mask. Big “Eddy sucks” chant. He stands glaring at the crowd for a while before tossing the mask down and wiping his feet on it. He walks out amidst the boos of the crowd. If nothing else, this segment showed us one thing — Eddy has really nice boots.

Orlando Jordan vs. Heidenreich.

Heidenreich is starting to get a small following, judging by the crowd. He goes out and gets a “friend” from the audience. The kid doesn’t look very enthused, but no matter. OJ tells him that no one likes him. Jordan looks like Mr. Glass from “Unbreakable” thanks to the fro. This was a little sloppy as you’d probably expect. OJ controls through most of the first part, looking like he actually deserves that U.S. Title — knee to the back of the neck, clothesline, reverse elbow, neckbreaker. All very basic stuff. Heidenreich makes the comeback buts starts talking to himself on the apron. Suddenly, Heidenreich catches him with the Flying Bossman Slam out of nowhere for the win. After the match, he teaches the kid how to do a little SS dance. 3/4*

Britney and Kevin…14:57…14:58…14:59.

Recap of Angle’s slippage into TMI Vince territory. “Booker, I want to give your wife a Boston Pancake. That’s where I shit on her chest and then slam it flat with my ball sack and use my cum as syrup. Oh yeah. I’m just that sick. Boston Pancake, baby.”

Joey Mercury (w/Maleena & Nitro) vs. Hardcore Holly (w/Charlie Haas).

Crowd is very solidly behind Hardcore. He always has at least a small amount of vocal support wherever he goes. That’s kind of weird, considering he’s barely used for anything important. Mercury gets a slam off the top and a Rude Awakening-style neckbreaker. Holly chops his way back but runs into a boot. Holly crotches him and delivers a superplex. Holly with the dropkick and the Full Nelson slam. Top rope clothesline…only two. Nitro interference distracts Holly, but Mercury runs right into a hot shot and an Alabama Slam. *

Raw Rebound: Well, Lita has the Stephanie Sneer down pat. More on the dozens of e-mails I got in the Rawtopsy. Many people…not happy.

Kurt Angle issues an apology for making everything so personal. However, he wants Sharmelle to admit she’s a gutterbeep. He says that they kissed last week and that she loved it. In fact, she was the one who came on to him! He says he’s going to break Booker’s ankle and give Sharmelle an Austrian Rinse Cycle – that’s when you take a piss during anal sex. Still don’t like the angle. If Angle really wants Sharmelle, it’s stupid because…well, it’s just stupid in and of itself. If it’s mind games, why didn’t he just snap Booker’s ankle last week after the Angleslam?

John Cena reads the unabridged version of JBL’s book. Josh tries to help him out with a promo, but it doesn’t quite work and he has to become the Jonathon Coachman to Cena’s Rock. Cena reminds JBL that he’s the one who stopped him after all those Bull Rope and Last Ride matches.

John Cena vs. The Bashams (w/JBL).

Cena just steamrolls over Doug Basham. Danny distracts him long enough for Doug to jump him from behind. Cena just jumps out of the ring to avoid a doubleteam. STREETSMARTS~! Back in, Cena get two off a sideslam. Doug takes a clothesline, but that allows Danny to deliver a DDT. The Bashams get two off a double clothesline. Danny uses a sort of Buffalo Stretch as JBL gets on the mic and tells him to quit. Cena runs into a powerslam for two. More screaming from JBL. Cena counters a DDT by grabbing the ropes. The Bashams try to doubleteam, but Cena clunks their heads together like Moe. You can’t see him. Five Knuckle Shuffle! FU Doug Basham! After the match, JBL and Cena have a big staredown. *1/4

Final Thoughts: Well, the hard sell was on for the main event as well as Booker and Angle. The U.S. Title and Tag Titles are still just an afterthought, which is unfortunate. The only match I really want to see is Rey and Eddy, but that has MOTY potential. Hopefully, Cena and JBL have a good plan going into Sunday and don’t deliver the anti-classic they had at WMXXI.

J.D. Dunn