The SmarKdown Rant – October 30 2003

The SmarKdown Rant – October 30 2003

– Taped from the lost city of Atlanta.

– Your hosts are Cole & Tazz.

– Opening match: Kurt Angle & Chris Benoit v. John Cena & A-Train. Cena’s rap is pretty funny as usual, as he calls A-Train his “Wookie”, but it’s okay, because chicks apparently dig that. Cena starts with Benoit and they fight over a lockup, and Benoit grabs a headlock. Backslide gets two. Cena tries to come back, but gets hiptossed and chopped down. Angle comes in and pounds away in the corner as Cole talks about the WWE fans’ “freedom of speech”, which is really funny on a show where they regularly edit out their reactions when it’s not appropriate to the WWE’s way of thinking. Cena brings Angle back to the heel corner and Train comes in and slugs away, as Angle is YOUR Olympic hero in peril. They trade off and work him over, and Cena forearms him down for two. Angle quickly gets an anklelock, but Train breaks it up, and Cena clocks him with a clothesline and stomps away in the corner. Angle DDTs him and gets the hot tag to Benoit, who overpowers Train with shoulderblocks and gets a pair of double axehandles for two. German suplex and he goes up with the headbutt, which misses. Train kicks him down, but gets Angle Slammed, and Angle in turn gets F-U’d. Another one for Benoit, but he escapes and chops away on Cena, causing heel miscommunication in the process. Rolling germans on Train sets up the flying headbutt, which hits, and finishes clean (!?) at 6:36. Okay, I don’t recall them EVER letting Benoit hit that clean and getting the pin off it. That’s yet another finisher they’ve given him now. Maybe they ARE prepping him for a run on top? Anyway, Train and Cena do the arguing this week, resulting in Cena going low and giving him an F-U. Good short TV match. **1/2

– Elsewhere, Vince is already upset with Heyman and gets all guttural with his speech. Man, his voice is almost as deep and scratchy as Stephanie’s. He promises Undertaker will be punished tonight, but Heyman points out that Taker isn’t going to be on TV until the PPV. Wow, that’s a great way to build up the PPV. Apparently Vince’s backup plan is to have Undertaker’s house burned down and his wife gang-raped by a motorcycle gang. Geez, I’ve heard of overreacting, but this is ridiculous.

– Elsewhere, Torrie comes out of the shower in full makeup to prep for the costume contest tonight.

– Elsewhere, Angle extends the olive branch to Benoit, and since he’s Canadian, he accepts.

– Elsewhere, Heyman files his report with Vince on the whole house burning and wife raping thing, which is that he’s not going to do any of it. Vince promises to drag Heyman out to the ring, kill him with his bare hands, and THEN fire him. Wow, that’s cold. Paul thinks Vince is being a pussy, and tells him so. That’s how he got fired for real last time. Apparently Vince is now remotivated, so we get more Vince.

– Rey Mysterio v. Ultimo Dragon. Rey has the weirdest tights ever, with a pair of purple cut-off tights over his normal tights. Dragon works a headlock to start and they criss-cross into a Dragon shoulderblock, but Rey gets a cross body for two. Dragon uses the kick combo for two. Dragon runs into a boot, but Rey snaps off a headscissors and dropkicks the knee. Rube Goldberg bulldog gets two. Rey rolls him up and rolls into the 619, but Dragon dodges him. Rey necksnaps him and springboards in, but gets hit with a roundhouse kick on the way in and the ref is bumped. Tajiri sneaks in and lays out Rey with a kick, and Dragon gets the pin at 2:41. Way too short. Tajiri offers respect to Ultimo, but he doesn’t want it. That one pretty much hurt both guys, with Dragon needing help to win and Rey losing to a guy who is damaged goods at this point.

– Elsewhere, Show & Brock fight about last week.

– Paul Heyman brings out Nathan Jones and Matt Morgan, who is big and muscular and thus will get the next big push. They even come out and say so. And does anyone even remember or care about Nathan Jones at this point? I mean, they gave him a shot, he dropped the ball multiple times, give it up already. But hey, he sure looks menacing standing there. As long as they limit him to that role, he’ll be fine. Somehow, though, I don’t think they will. Both of these guys will be in the Smackdown main event at the PPV, thus making me wonder further if they’ve completely lost their minds. Brock and Show join us, as this interview gets more boring by the second and tensions escalate between the heels and Heyman books Show & Lesnar v. APA as the main event tonight as though anyone would want to see that match.

– Another Hardcore Holly promo. It’s freakin Sparky Plugg, is this the best they can do for Brock’s challenger? Tough Enough might as well have been a million years ago, he has no credibility as anything past a midcarder because he’s never been pushed past there, and the window of opportunity was closed by booking and Bob’s deteriorating body years ago.

– Costume Contest: Torrie is a bunny, and Dawn Marie is Wonder Woman. Does this mean they’re enemies again this week? They bob for apples, and Dawn gets into the tub of chocolate sauce and takes her top off. Tazz interrupts and Torrie pushes him into the tub. Huh? I guess this was supposed to be hilarious social commentary or something. They haven’t had anything even remotely interesting for either girl to do since the funeral.

– Ernest Miller video. Well, he can’t be any worse wrestling than he was as a commentator. Actually, I take that back.

– Elsewhere, the endless backstage segments drag on as Brock invites Cena to join his team at the PPV.

– Elsewhere, Chavo yells at Eddie for letting Grandma Guerrero and all the Latino people down. He’s as low as he was when he was on drugs and alcohol. Ouch.

– Note: We’re now 90 minutes into a 2-hour show, and we’ve had a little over 8 minutes of in-ring time thus far.

– And hey, it’s MORE TALKING, as Eddie joins us for an interview. He admits that he’s got a lot to be sorry for and he let Chavo down. But his character will be defined by his stay at the bottom, not by his stay on top. Well, he’s hasn’t HAD a chance to define his character on top yet, so that’s kind of a moot point. Anyway, he’ll keep fighting until they’re tag champions again. That’s really a counterproductive goal for the character at this point. At this point they should be aiming him towards the World title instead of the second-class loser Bashams. Speaking of which, they try to sneak-attack him, but Eddie holds them off by himself until the numbers overwhelm him. See, they make this big speech about Eddie standing tall and fighting for himself, and then immediately have him get laid out.

– I believe it’s now been more than a hour since we had a match.

– Elsewhere, Heyman books Eddie in a handicap match against the Bashams next week. I’m so sick of that gimmick. Not to mention we just did it last week.

– Elsewhere, Angle announces the APA & Bob Holly as the final members of his team, making for one of the crappiest tag team matches on paper I’ve ever seen.

– And it’s MORE TALKING, as Undertaker talks about the upcoming Buried Alive match with Vince. I DON’T CARE. He wants the title back. I DON’T CARE.

– Brock Lesnar & Big Show v. The APA. THREE FUCKING MATCHES? That’s IT? I don’t think it’s too much to ask to get more than 15 minutes of wrestling on a two-hour wrestling show. And why does Big Show even need the US title if he’s not going to be defending it or even participating in angles involving it? Bradshaw starts with Brock and uses the CLUBBING FOREARMS, bringing Show in, who gets a sideslam for two. Show headbutts him down and pounds away in the corner, but misses a charge and Faarooq comes in to slug away on Show. That gets nowhere, as he walks into a boot. Bradshaw gets the Clothesline From Heck on Show and Faarooq gets two, but Brock brawls with him outside, grabs a chair, and gets himself DQ’d at 3:10. You’ve gotta be kidding me. -* The APA gets destroyed afterwards. Matt Morgan and Nathan Jones hit the ring, as do Benoit & Angle, and new guys use powerbombs. What a shock. What, were bodyslams too obvious?

The Bottom Line:

I don’t even know what they were thinking with this show, as it was basically two hours of non-stop talk and a little over 10 minutes total wrestling, with a stretch of more than an hour between matches and a horrible main event.

When RAW has become a better show than Smackdown, there’s a problem. And this was probably the worst Smackdown I’ve ever seen, so that’s a major problem.