The TNA Impact Report 01.04.10

TNA Impact Report by J.D. Dunn Twitter.com/jddunn411 Brightkite.com/jddunn411 Facebook.com/jddunn411 Yeah, I know I haven’t done TV for a while, but dammit, it was the biggest night in pro-wrestling for quite some time. January 4, 2010 Live from Orlando, Fla. Your hosts are Mike Tenay and Taz. Right out of the gate, we get the short-bus focus group. “I want wrestling like when Hulk Hogan was with Andre the Giant and the Ultimate Warrior!” says the guy in the Bears jersey. The Bears jersey was your third strike. I mean, orange alternate. Really? Really?! Steel Asylum, X-Division Title: The Amazing Red vs. Suicide vs. Jay Lethal vs. Consequences Creed vs. Chris Sabin vs. Alex Shelley vs. Homicide vs. Kiyoshi. First mistake: what the fuck’s going on? There’s not enough space between the bars to see from the hard camera position (or in the arena). The fans seem to have sided with Alex Shelley, and why not. Sabin gets the first real pop, rolling through a sunset flip and soccer kicking Lethal’s head off. Everybody just starts hitting stuff. Sabin stands there watching while Red comes off on him with the huracanrana. Kiyoshi holds Red while Homicide nails him with baton. Homicide goes nuts on everyone with it for the… DQ? Really? Really?! (3:04) The crowd chants, “This is bullshit!” That’s not change we can believe in. 3/4* To top it off, Homicide crawls up the cage but Shockmasters his exit and, thus, isn’t there when Jeff Hardy enters through the crowd (complete with entrance music). Finally, Homicide gets out, and they brawl up the ramp. Twist of Fate on the ramp, and Jeff crawls up to the top of the cage and cops a squat on the top. In the back, Jeff meets up with Shannon Moore and heads off to do artsy stuff. Okay, I got two for this one: 1) Jeff Hardy signed with TNA? I guess that means the new slogan is “TNA: Cross the Line. Now close your eyes, lift your left leg 12 inches in the air, touch your nose with your right hand and recite the alphabet backwards.” Or… 2) I just want to say, I think it is great that TNA will give Jeff the opportunity to do something that he loves – drugs. Christy Hemme (UPGRADE!) catches up with Kevin Nash who is, not surprisingly, cool about Hogan coming in. Nash says TNA is on the way to the top, which means more money for him because he works there. Well, “works” is a relative term. Nash says he just talked to Hulk, and Hulk says he’s not alone. INTRIGUE~! Knockout’s Title: Tara vs. O.D.B. Tara brings a pet tarantula to the ring. ODB brings a flask of whiskey. Advantage: ODB. ODB attacks while Tara’s taking her shirt off. Tara kicks her way back and puts her in the TARAntula. Nyuk, nyuk. Slingshot legdrop gets two. Tenay hypes Dixie Carter’s Twitter account. How awesome would a Vince McMahon Twitter account be?!!! ODB rolls through the Widow’s Peak and grabs a handful of tights to become the new champ at 2:22. They even cut away from Tara’s butt cleavage because that might… CROSS THE LINE! Nothing really separated these ladies from the WWE divas for the extra half million or so people tuning in. 1/2* Outside, a limo arrives, and Ric Flair gets out! Where’s he going? Why’s he here? INTRIGUE~! (Turns out that he went into AJ Styles’ locker room, but we don’t know that for an hour because the cameraman didn’t get a close shot of the name on the door.) Earlier, Christy caught up with Mick Foley, who has been banned from the Impact Zone. Security blocks his way in. Well, that’s what happens when you’re banned. Bobby Lashley and Kristal come out with a demand. He wants out of TNA because the fans are “inbred toothless degenerates.” That’s not how the littlest Cosby is supposed to act. In the back, The Beautiful People announce they will play strip poker because the Powers That Be Hulk Hogan wants ratings. Given that they cut away from a tiny amount of Tara’s ass, I can’t imagine this will pay off. 5-Hour Energy bottle count: four. Outside, Scott Hall and Sean Waltman get into a scuffle with the security guards. Tenay says TNA is the #1 trending topic on Twitter. Now if you could only sell advertising on Twitter. Hall and Waltman sneak through the crowd and sit at ringside just in time to see Hulk Hogan come to the Impact Zone to music that sounds VERY much like the nWo porno music – you know, because it’s time for a change. I guess the White House Secret Service detail is doubling for TNA security now. Hogan says it’s history time, and he’s impressed with the young guys. Is he wearing Lady Gaga’s wig under that skull cap? Hall and Waltman jump the rail, and Hogan tells security to lay off. Hall is excited that they can make money again. Hogan says it’s time to grow up and do the right thing for the business. Hall says he and “Pac” are going to change things whether Hogan’s with them or not. Kevin Nash interrupts. Nash calls Waltman “Kid.” Kid Pac! Nash tells Hall to lay off because Hogan is just “playin’ a role.” Hogan says it’s for real, so Nash accuses him of “going corporate.” Yeah, it’s like Hulkamania is all about selling merchandise now. Eric Bischoff comes out to say everyone will have to earn their position in the company. Tough talk for someone who had Mae Young’s crotch in his face. The XNWO leaves Hogan and Bischoff in the ring to announce their manifesto – everyone has to earn their jobs. It’s just like Glengarry Glen Ross with more leather. Bischoff tears up the format sheet. NOT THE FORMAT SHEET! How will I know when someone is “shooting?!” The nWo music hits, and we see Sting up in the rafters. So, if we translate 1997 – Sting is Sting and Foley is Randy Savage. Knockout’s Tag Titles: Sarita & Taylor Wilde vs. Awesome Kong & Hamada. Sarita is SMOKIN’. Taylor looks like a tiny version of Mary Carey. How did these four know the match was still on if the format sheet was torn up? In the back, the Motor City Machine Guns are found unconscious on the floor. Meanwhile, Kong is killing some bitches. The champs team up to double dropkick Kong to the floor. If it was Randy Mulkey, it’d be over right now, but it’s not because WE WRESTLE! We take a break and come back to Sarita backdropping Taylor onto Kong. Hamada takes over on Taylor. Sarita gets the hot tag and does a crappy armdrag on Hamada. She tries a huracanrana on Kong but gets squashed. Hamada tosses Wilde into the post. That sets up an awkward Doomsday Dropkick on Sarita for the win and the titles at about 10:00ish. ** In the back, homeless vagrant Sean Morley was taking a shower in the arena – I guess he mistook it for the Y – and happened on the strip poker game. Mick Foley still can’t get into the arena. The Nasty Boys (Oh, Moses smell the roses) try to get in too. Leather jacket count: six. Matt Morgan & Hernandez vs. Raven & Dr. Stevie (w/Shannon). If they have any sense, either Morgan or Hernandez get a huge push. Morgan finishes Steview with the Carbon Footprint at 0:28. 1/4* In the back, D’Angelo Dinero, who has money written all over him, is interrupted by Orlando Jordan. Dinero’s “Rock” impression is just perfect. You can tell he’s copying him, but it’s not *so* obvious that he’s not his own guy (see Lethal, Jay). Too bad he didn’t interrupt the nWo and make fun of Nash. “You, Big Daddy Cool Diesel. Toot toot! Tooooo!” 5-Hour Energy Count: Five. Desmond Wolfe vs. D’Angelo Dinero. Wolfe, not surprisingly, goes after the arm. Taz lets us know that it was Orlando Jordan who interrupted in the last segment because no one knows who he is (Do you see the problem with that?). Desmond misses the running uppercut and gets hit with the pump-elbow. Desmond snaps his arm down and goes for the Tower of London. Pope reverses to a small package at 2:40. I know some people were pissed at this, but Dinero is… well, money. 1/2* Bubba the Love Sponge finds Rhino laid out. He gives us a report on Rhino being laid out and *then* asks for medical treatment to come in. What a guy. Bischoff interrupts AJ Styles and tells him the Genesis match is off, but AJ will be defending the title against Kurt Angle tonight! Jeff Jarrett reminisces about starting TNA. The critics didn’t think it would last, but here they are. Jarrett is happy that Hogan is in TNA, but that doesn’t last long as Hulk interrupts him on the TNA Tron and says Jarrett drove the company into the ground before Dixie Carter saved it. So… Hogan just turned heel? Hogan says Jarrett is being forced out of the ownership position by Hogan and Dixie, so now “all the young guys can get a shot.” In the back, Jeremy Borash interrupts a Christopher Daniels interview (nice to see Daniels has his “Christopher” back) to tell Christy Hemme that Mick Foley wants in. Why did Christy need to know this information, and why is it so important that Borash had to interrupt Daniels? It’s almost as if the only reason it happened was to get him on camera. Foley tries to force his way in yet again. Abyss vs. Samoa Joe. It was supposed to be Abyss vs. Rhino, but Rhino was attacked. Thankfully, Bischoff has provided a new format sheet. Joe avoids a charge and hits an enzuigiri. That sets up the Facewash, but Joe runs into a big boot. He takes over again on the outside. Back in, a senton gets two. We cut to Sting caressing his bat. A missile dropkick gets two. Joe comes off the second rope right into a chokeslam. The ref gets tossed aside, and Joe WALLOPS Abyss with a chairshot. The Coquina Clutch finishes at 4:48. *3/4 In the back, Bischoff tells the PA to reformat a segment because it’s running long. Uh, it wasn’t the 15-minute nWo reunion is it because it’s probably too late. Kristal demands a meeting with Hulk Hogan. Elsewhere, Bubba the Love Sponge finds Beer Money laid out. The Nasty Boys still can’t get in, but Bubba finds them and sneaks them in because they’re close, personal friends of Hulk Hogan. Kurt Angle ignores all the hype and just focuses on winning the title from AJ Styles. Imagine that. Outside, Shannon Moore is STOKED because he got a manila envelope. Jeff is not so excited. He just wants his dog back. Some teenage girls mob Jeff, and he gives them the painting he just did. In the locker room, the security team tries to apologize to the Nasty Boys with donuts, but it doesn’t go over well. The Nasties trash Team 3D’s locker room because 3D is in Japan. Okay, we need to make a new rule: if you were in the AWA, you’re not allowed to wrestle anymore. TNA Heavyweight Title: AJ Styles vs. Kurt Angle. AJ dazzles Kurt with speed early and hits a tope con hilo. AJ’s Masked Assailant (who has since been revealed as the most sensible of foes – not, surprisingly Brutus Beefcake) runs down and attacks him, but Kurt makes the save because sportsmanship wreaks of awesomeness. Back in, Kurt bucklebombs AJ. AJ goes for the springboard forearm but drops right into the belly-to-belly suplex. AJ comes back with the discus clothesline. The Pélé is countered to the Anklelock, but AJ reverses that to a rollup and hits the Pélé on a second try to get two. Angleslam only gets two. Apparently, the TNA title gives you superpowers. AJ gets backdropped to the apron but comes back in with a springboard clothesline. He goes up, but Angle catches him with the super belly-to-belly. Styles Clash by AJ for two. This match seriously lacks transitions. Angle goes for another Angleslam, but it’s countered to the DDT for two. Fans chant, “Who needs Bret?” Who needs Orlando Jordan, but, well, there he is. Angle counters a sunset flip to an Anklelock, but AJ kicks him away. The Quebrada DDT gets two. AJ goes up, but Kurt cuts him off again. SUPER ANGLE SLAM! ONE, TWO, THRE-NO! See, superpowers. Anklelock, but AJ rolls Kurt into the turnbuckle. STYLES CLASH! ONE, TWO, THR-no. He goes for another, but Kurt reverses to the Anklelock. Ric Flair comes out to watch. But he’s not supposed to be here! No, literally. He’s gone senile and is just wandering around to various promotions. AJ escapes the Anklelock and hits the 450-splash for two. We come back to Flair looking on. He looks like he’s wondering what Bret’s doing. AJ hits the Clash as Flair hobbles away without saying a word or doing anything. The springboard 450-splash finishes at 14:55. Way too spotty and without any transitions. They just went from move to move and repetitious reversals without much meaning. Not that it wasn’t entertaining, but it’s not the promotion-defining match the fanboys seem to be touting this as. ***1/4 Hulk Hogan comes out to put Kurt and AJ over as the two greatest wrestlers in the business today. A PA interrupts Hogan (lot of that going around) and whispers in his ear. Somehow Tenay already knows what he’s telling Hogan. In the back, Mick interrupts the strip poker game and demands to know where Hogan is. Val Uranus says he’s not intimidated by Mick. Yeah, remember when he stole Mr. Socko and shoved him down his tights… eleven years ago? Val points out Hogan’s office. Mick walks down the hall to his old office and finds Eric Bischoff. Bischoff says it doesn’t matter if he’s “Executive Shareholder.” Mick says he can work for Dixie or for Hulk Hogan, but he can’t work for Eric. The XnWo attacks Mick from behind only to be interrupted by Hulk Hogan who… approves? Disapproves? Has to poop? Kinda hard to tell from the look on his face, but then I didn’t star in “Santa With Muscles.”

The 411: I know that it’s cliché to compare the new TNA to the old WCW (even after only three days), but damned if there isn’t a lot of repetition. Bubba is the new Mancow. Foley can’t get into the arena, just like Randy Savage when he went mental. Sting is up in the rafters again. The nWo is back together. Jarrett, I guess, is playing the part of Ric Flair. Ric Flair is… I don’t know, AJ’s Ralphus. The “we’re tearing up the format sheet” and “the young guys are going to get their shot” stuff reeks of Russo (and wasn’t that what the Main Event Mafia just last year was all about?). Oh, and, btw, AJ is the World Champ and just main evented against Christopher Daniels. It’s not like this was WCW 1999 where guys refused to get out of the way. If anything, the introduction of Morely, the Nasties, and Hall & Waltman is introducing “old” talent just so they can have a “young vs. old” storyline where none is needed. I’d be a lot more impressed with their chances at becoming the #1 sports entertainment company if this didn’t feel exactly like the Nitro restart in 2000. All that being said, I think I did enjoy this show a lot more than most of the critics did. There really was a sense of “anything can happen” with Hardy and Flair showing up. Plus, the bizarre mash-up of the nWo with Angle/AJ and the X-Division felt like a weird blending of genres. Kind of like “what would happen if Muhammad Ali fought Abe Lincoln?” Even if things sucked/made no sense, at least things were happening. If history is any indicator, though, in a month storylines will blur into an incomprehensible mess, and the guys who are supposed be getting “the push” will find that push being of the off-to-the-side variety.