RB Report: CHIKARA Bruised

CHIKARA “Bruised”
October 26, 2007
Reading, PA

*Leonard F. Chikarason is backstage. He is interupted by Eddie Kingston, who is bitching like a little girl as usual. Chikarason leaves and Kingston talks about his match with Tim Donst tonight.

*Hydra is displaying his strength by pulling a tiny toy car along the ground.

*Order of the Neo-Solar Temple (Ultramantis Black, Hydra and Crossbones) vs. MosCow, USApe and Dragon Dragon
I predict a five-star classic. Mantis’ new robe is a thing of beauty! This match is going to be ridiculous. Hydra manages to PULL HIS T-SHIRT OFF! THE STRENGTH OF THIS MAN IS OUT OF CONTROL! GET HIM TESTED! Hydra manages to trip USApe to the mat, but that primate is FAST! Moscow and USApe are NOT getting along. Moscow, the communist bovine, and USApe, the lover of freedom. Mantis, being the strict vegan that he is, refuses to get in the ring with Moscow, so instead lets Crossbones get in there. They have a messy little exchange, culminating in Crossbones getting sent out of the ring. Dragon Dragon gets in the ring to thunderous applause from the audience in the Reading Colliseum. Check out my Dragon Dragon music video! It’s at the bottom of the page! IIRC, Hydra and Dragon debuted in the same eight-man tag back at Running In The Red, which also featured Mantis. I’m sure someone will correct me if I’m wrong. Dragon tosses Mantis around like a ragdoll and channels AMERICAN DRAGON! Ape comes off the top with a crossbody to Mantis and he slams Mantis around before hitting a dive out to all three members of the Order! They get back in and Mantis slows the pace. The Order isolate Ape. DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE! Mantis landed on his head there. Dragon Dragon gets tagged in and is a house on fire! Dragon kicks to all three members of the order! He mauls Mantis on the outside. Moscow hits the Russian Sickle out of nowhere on Hydra, but Mantis breaks up the pin attempt. Hydra goes for the GORILLA press slam on USApe. HARHARHAR! Ape blocks and goes for one of his own, only to get tripped by Mantis. Mantis and Crossbones throw Hydra up into a splash on Ape and IT’S ALL OVER(9:45)!

Rating: ***. This was probably the best this match could EVER have been, considering three of the men are in Halloween costumes. Terrific fun. More USApe please.

*Dragon Yuki vs. Jigsaw
Dragon Yuki is a representative of the Japanese promotion Kageki Pro. Jigsaw has slowly been turning heel as of late. They fight on the mat to start and feel each other out. Jigsaw works over the arm, but Yuki has some counters for him. Yuki takes control with his obviously superior power. Why didn’t he just do that in the start? Jigsaw quickly realises what’s happening and uses his speed to take Yuki back down. He slows the pace down again. They continue to go at it and Jigsaw attempts to cut Yuki down by going after the legs. DRAGON SCREW! Yuki counters to a half-crab, but the decreasing strength in his leg means that Jigsaw can easily take control again. Yuki again goes to his power advantage and forgets about his leg. Yuki eats a superkick, but it only gets a two-count. We’re in the finishing stretch now as Yuki gets two from a fisherman’s buster. A second gets countered and a Kondo clutch is enough to make Dragon Yuki tap(8:15).

Rating: **. Decent match. Good psychology and story. The section of the match where Jigsaw actually worked the leg went on for too long. He could have cut this part down by about a minute and the leg-work still would have been emphasised in my mind

*The Osirian Portal (Amasis an Ophidian) vs. Up In Smoke (Cheech an Cloudy)
Amasis – also known as the “Phunky Pharoah”- debuted at the previous show and along with Ophidian defeated CHIKARA veterans Shane Storm and Jigsaw. CLOUDY HAS HAD A HAIRCUT! About time, too. Ophidian takes down the much more experienced Cloudy and controls him. Amasis and Cheech get in. Amasis gets annoyed by the fans getting behind Cheech and stalls. He eventually gets in and Cheech mocks Ophidian. Cheech gets backed into the corner an Amasis dances! DANCE-OFF, BABY! Amasis continues with his dance-based offence. It becomes his downfall as it allows Cheech to slam him hard to the mat and he gets double-teamed by Up In Smoke. Cloudy stands on Cheech’s shoulders and doss a somersault senton off of them. Cloudy attempts to wear Amasis down, but he has the POWER OF THE PHUNK! The Osirian Portal isolate the uber-tiny Cloudy. Amasis kills Cloudy with some rolling gut-wrench suplexes. That was just great. Cloudy lands a modified Ace Crusher on Ophidian and both men tag our. Cheech dumps Amasis on his head from clothesines. He does the Randy Orton backbreaker. Ophidian puts Cheech in the Cobra Clutch, but Cloudy breaks it up. Lots of near-falls. PARTLY CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF CHEECH! POWERBOMB-ENZIGURI COMBO ON AMASIS! It’s over(11:59)!

Rating: ***1/4. That was a really good match. The end felt really exciting and the crowd were into it. The Portal work really well together for a team that has worked all of two matches together and UIS are ALWAYS great with their double-teams.

*Brodie Lee, Jimmy Olsen and THE ECW SUPERSTAR COLIN DELANEY~! vs. The Colony (Fire Ant, Soldier Ant and Worker Ant)
Believe it or not, Colin Olsen’s first match was NOT against Shelton Benjamin. Colony quickly take their opponents out and do the Fire Ant catapult early. Soldier controls Jimmy with salute-based offence until he sends him to the outside and follows with a wicked bullet tope. Colin busts out the COLUCHA~! Brodie gets in and pounds Worker down. Worker’s speed fails against Lee and he gets isolated. Worker eventually manages to spike Colin with a DDT and both tag out. Fire Ant sits on Soldier Ant’s shoulders so they can stand up to the 6’7′ Brodie Lee. Worker takes him out with a moonsault. ANTS GO MARCHING ON COLIN! Fire tries to use lucha on Brodie, but he MURDERS them all! Triple-team to Soldier in the corner. That was great. Worker blocks the LigerBomb and hits a victory roll on Colin to get the win(9:35)!

Rating: **1/2. Good match. Beginning and end were super-fun. The middle portion seemed to drag and go on for a bit too long, however.

*Chuck Taylor vs. Claudio Castagnoli
Taylor acting like a hard-man and then running out of the ring and hiding as soon as Claudio comes out is pretty funny. Claudio got his revenge on Chris Hero and the Kings of Wrestling at the last show. Taylor is defending the pride of the KoW. Both of these guys were in the finals of the 2007 Ted Petty Invitational in IWA:MS, which was eventually won by Mike Quackenbush. Taylor tries to continually avoid Claudio. He slaps on a side headlock, but Claudio sends him to the mat. Chuck pounds Claudio in the corner and stomps him down on the mat. He uses his rudo tactics to keep Claudio under control. Claudio powers up and puts Chuck in the giant swing. Chuck counters the Alpamare Waterslide into SOLE FOOD~!~!~! YAKUZA KICK! That only gets two. Big knee to the head by Claudio and an uppercut is reversed to a backslide, which gets two. Taylor takes time to pose and eats an uppercut. RICOOOOOLLLLAAAA BOMB! Taylor is done(7:05)! Chuck is carried out like a baby by security.

Rating: **. The finish was hot, hot, hot. The rest, not so much.

*Mitch Ryder is ANGRY. Equinox has caught him at the wrong time and he’s gonna get killed. Hoochadore scum.

*”Simply Marvellous” Mitch Ryder vs. Equinox
Ryder tries to trick Equinox with a cheap shot off of a handshake, but fails. Lucha by Equinox. Ryder selling it is AWESOME. Equinox takes him to the mat and goes after Mitch’s arm. Equinox goes SPLAT off of a missed plancha to the outside. Mitch beats the crap outta Equinox all over the ring. Abdominal stretch. HE GRABS THE ROPES! BOO! The fans rile behind Equinox and he hiptosses Ryder. He blocks all of Ryder’s offence and gets two from a backslide. Ryder hits a piledriver out of nowhere and it is over(8:55)!

Rating: **. Mitch Ryder is fantastic. Even if the match isn’t much, I can never not be entertained wildly by the man.

*NWA World Junior Heavyweight Championship
“Hoochadore Scum” Lindsay Dorito vs. “Lightning” Mike Quackenbush (c)
If Quack just slowly dismantles the Dorito, while Dorito makes lots of little bursts of offence, this match is going to be fantastic. They start with some back-and-forth action. Quack takes him to the mat and Lince gets out the surfboard. They do a fast lucha-influenced exchange. Lince flips out of a legsweep. Awesome. He’s sent to the outside and Quack fakes him out on a dive. Lince’s speed doesn’t really work against Quack as he has an answer for everything. He returns the favour on the fake dive. They do an exchange that feels like it’s in slow-motion. It’s like Quack is slowly walking his student through it. As I type that, Ryder and Taylor come out and attack both men. The ref ends the match(4:40). Taylor handcuffs Quack to the ropes while Ryder whips Lince with a belt. Lots.

Rating: Nothing really happened. Quack slowly walked through a four-minute match with a student.

*Eddie Kingston vs. Tim Donst
This is a rematch of the Showdown In Crisisland match where King beat the living hell out of young Donst. Donst rushes the ring and they exchange lots of chops. Donst manages to send King onto his ass. STO! Both men’s chest are red already. King slaps him HARD. He takes off Donst’s headgear and throws it away. He fish-hooks him. The vicious beating continues as Donst gets suplexed and headbutted. Kingston gets in the face of a rowdy fan and puts his hat down his pants before throwing it away. He gets back in the ring and hits the SICKEST HEADBUTT EVER! Seriously. Donst is OUT! That was disgusting. Kingston refuses to let Bryce count Donst out and continues to rain down the blows. Dragon suplex only gets two. FLURRY OF OFFENCE BY DONST! CROSSFACES! OVERHEAD BELLY-TO-BELLY! He’s alive! He locks in a rear-naked choke. Kingston stands while in the hold and rolls out of the ring with Donst still holding onto the choke. Donst ducks the lariat on the floor and hits one of his own! In-case you don’t know, Kingston killing Donst with a lariat on the floor was the big spot at their Crisisland match. Back in, Donst can’t get Kingston up for a back suplex and takes a URANAGE. He kicks out of the short-arm clothesline! DONST DUMPS HIM ON HIS HEAD! YES YES YES! ANOTHER! ONE-TWO-NOOOO! Donst takes the straps down! King lands the BACKFIST TO THE FUTURE and IT IS OVER(9:08)! Donst gets a standing ovation after the match.

Rating: ***1/2. Absolutely great match, and their first match was even better. Seriously, I loved the hell out of this match.

*CHIKARA Los Campeonatos de Parejas
Two out of Three Falls
Team FIST (Gran Akuma and Icarus) (c) vs. Incoherence (Hallowicked and Delirious)
Akuma has injured his knee and can’t wrestle, so Leonard Chikarason announced that Chuck Taylor is replacing him. Taylor and Icarus attack before the bell. Icarus with a pinning combination on Hallowicked and it gets a quick fall(1:00)!

After a one minute rest period, Icarus and Delirious go at it. Hallowicked and Taylor do battle and Hallowicked works over his NOSE! Genius. Icarus gets in and works over his former stable-mate Hallowicked. He and Taylor isolate him. Taylor distracts Bryce while Icarus deploys some rudo tactics. They wear him down on the mat for a while before the fans get behind him. He tries to go at it with Icarus, but he quickly gets put back in his place with a big boot. Delirious slams Icarus on the top turnbuckle, and Hallowicked manages to tag out. Delirious takes both guys out. CHEMICAL IMBALANCE ON TAYLOR and the winner of the second fall is Incoherence(11:01).

Icarus tries to go it alone for a little while, but that fails miserably. Step-up hurricanrana to Taylor by Hallowicked. Taylor hits Sole Food and Icarus gets a two-count on Hallowicked with a ‘rana. Taylor tries to come off the top, but Delirious catches him with a headbutt to the chest. He hits a panic attack in the corner to Icarus. Everyone continues to hit their big moves. Delirious gets worked over by both of his opponents. Icarus lands the Shiranui and goes for the FANNY PACK FROG SPLASH! Delirious gets up, though, and puts a stop to it. He throws Icarus off the top rope and onto Hallowicked’s boot! SHADOWS OVER HECK! That only gets two. AWFUL WAFFLE ON DELIRIOUS! TWO! Hallowicked blocks Icarus’ Shiranui and Akuma tries to hit Hallowicked with his crutch, but misses and hits Icarus! ONE-TWO-NO! YAKUZA KICK TO ICARUS! ONE-TWO-THREE!!! TEAM FIST’S REIGN IS OVER(17:56)! Everyone in the building is on their feet! Delirious and Hallowicked are the new CHIKARA Campeonatos de Parejas! All of the children in the building get in and celebrate with Incoherence.

Rating: ***1/4. Really good match. Action felt a big slow and contrived at times, but everything else was great. Incoherence winning was such a feel-good moment.

Send your feedback to [email protected] and add me on Xbox live, my gamertag is ledzep3012. Thank you for reading.

The 411: This was a damn good show. Everything was fun and the main, the opener and Donst-King were great.
Final Score:  7.0   [ Good ]