The Fink’s Payload 06.26.08: The Return of the Rock

Finally…

The Rock has come back to The Fink’s Payload!

That’s right, everyone. Today’s column will feature the return of the People’s Champion… the one and only Brahma Bull… the Great One himself! Who cares if they say he’s happy in Hollywood? Who cares if they say he would never take a pay cut to put his health at risk as a professional wrestler again? They have been wrong before! And do you know what their names are?

It doesn’t matter what their names are!

This week we have several ideas from readers who believed that, for one reason or another, the seven-time WWE Champion would lace up his boots for one more go ‘round (or longer) in the wrestling ring. I’m going to try something new with the format of the reader submissions, but I’m not going to tell you what it is. I’m just going to go ahead and assume that everyone likes it. If you hate anything about the column, including format-oriented stuff, write me a note in the comments section. If you catch what I did and complain about it, I’ll know that I was wrong. But, to be honest, this really isn’t about me. It’s really all about the millions…

…and millions…

…of the Rock’s fans who want to see him in the squared circle again. To wit, there are some fairly obvious feuds and storylines currently available for the Rock: addressing his alleged backstage animosity towards Shawn Michaels to lead to a battle of wrestling’s most charismatic showmen, confronting John Cena about recent negative comments on the talk show circuit, or perhaps even becoming the latest legend on Randy Orton’s list. But our readers looked past those trees and saw the forest of creativity that was just waiting to be logged and floated downstream to my little inbox. (Did you get any of that?)

If ya smellllllll…

You know the rest.

Opinion #1: Matt
“The Return of the Return of the People’s Champ”
Undoubtedly you’ll get a bunch of people writing that they want to see… let’s see… hmm:
Rock vs. Cena (obvious), Rock vs. HHH (yawn), Rock vs. HBK (yeah right), Rock vs. Y2J (yawn), Rock vs. Matt Hardy (pfft… yeah, right).

But I’m going to go in a different direction with it. Rock wants to be “Dwayne Johnson”, and says he was always trying to be the most “entertaining” not the most technical guy right? Let’s do this–

Rock comes out with a new Disney movie. It can be whatever you want. “A heartwarming tale about a NASCAR driver who teaches an orphaned and unpopular talking panda to have faith in himself and win new friends through the magic of interpretive dance”… you know, whatever.

About two weeks before the release date on RAW, Santino Marella comes out and blasts The Rock for making the world think wrestlers are “a joke” (… I know). See his feud with Austin over “The Condemned” for most of it… except in this case it can actually lead to a match at Wrestlemania that Rock wins clean with the People’s Elbow, with little risk to himself or anyone else, nobody takes it seriously or expects Rock to come back for good, the fans are happy.

Plus I think it would be hilarious to hear Santino mutilate and bury Rock’s signature catchphrases (“there will be no laying down of the smacks”).

What Do I Think?: That a pretty low-key type of feud you have planned there, brother. I wonder if it is an established way of giving somebody a ‘rub’ when you completely demolish them in your only match on a huge stage and then disappear. On the positive side, Santino is great at talking shit in a funny accent (he reminds me a lot of Fez on “That 70s Show” the more I think about it) and Rocky would have a field day with the man. But other than talking shit to each other there wouldn’t be much to this feud and that’s why I’m hesitant to endorse it. Is this intended to be a big step in a push for Santino? Or is the Great One being brought back as a comedy act on par with Roddy Piper?

Opinion #2: Reichou Shinsake
“Movie Star Mayhem”
Okay, I’m sure I won’t be the only person recommending this opponent if the Great One did return. Here’s how I envision it:

Raw takes place in an area where Rock is shooting a movie, so he shows up. The program kicks off with an announcement that a very special guest will be in attendance. After the first match, staff security can be seen ushering someone to a front row seat – it’s Dwayne Johnson and maybe somebody else who’s in a movie with him. Over the course of the night, the camera shows Dwayne and the co-star(s) enjoying the show, and either J.R. or Lawler eventually makes his way over to interview him outside the ring. Dwayne does his “Finally,…” shtick, but instead of cutting a HoF Induction Ceremony-length speech, he says that he’s just here as a fan and maybe he’ll catch up with the boys afterward. He and the co-star(s) promote the movie a little, and then he’s then asked if he’d like to go backstage now rather than wait until after the show. Dwayne and company take the offer, and some pre-taped segments with Dwayne interacting with some talent will be shown between matches. This will include segments with one of the divas and some sexual innuendos, a welcoming from the McMahons that leads to him embarrassing them, and maybe some funny interactions with former adversaries like Big Show, HHH, or Jericho (depending on who’s still on Raw after the draft) where they talk about old times and sort of bury the hatchet. He’ll also see John Cena. This is where shit starts to go down.

Dwayne says something to the effect of, “I read some comments you made about The Rock, questioning his commitment to wrestling. I know you’re a nice guy, and I know how the media sometimes takes things out of context. I just want you to know that there are no hard feelings.” Cena accepts a handshake and heads to the ring for his main event match. Then, while Cena’s walking out of the dressing room, Dwayne offers Cena some unsolicited acting advice. Cena tries to laugh it off, but the viewers can tell that the remark stung a little bit.

After Cena’s match, he grabs the mic and decides to get some things off of his chest. He starts by telling the fans that he should explain to them (since he cares about them) the comments to which Dwayne referred, and goes into detail about what he said and how as a man he will stand behind his remarks. He says that unlike Dwayne Johnson, he will never leave wrestling for Hollywood, no matter how many movie projects come his way. This brings out Dwayne, who is a little perturbed that Cena has run his mouth out and ruined his night when all he wanted was to see some friends and watch a few matches. Dwayne then brings up the fact that Cena is likely jealous that everything Cena’s done, he has done better; but he has nothing left to prove by wasting his time on Cena. Cena replies that while The Rock accomplished a lot, he still has something left to prove after all – and that’s whether he truly loves wrestling like his ancestors did, whether he really cares enough about the people to be called “The People’s Champ,” and whether “The Rock” character is truly dead. A few snide remarks later, and the two end up going at it and having to be separated by security to end the show.

This sets up either a “Last Man Standing” or some type of Cage/Cell PPV match, ideally WrestleMania, between Rock and Cena. That gimmick will be necessary so Rock can be in a brawl that will cover up any ring rust, but will also be important to the payoff because that type of match will sort of play into the whole “which man has more heart and determination” angle (an I Quit match wouldn’t work because technically Rocky already quit, and I doubt those two could pull off a submission match better than an all-out brawl). As much as it pains me to write this, Cena just about has to go over after a rugged match. The fans will all agree that Rocky didn’t have to come back, but loved the business enough to take a beating and pass the torch to that dork Cena. Could somebody other than Cena benefit more from that kind of rub? Maybe. But this feud is more realistic and will probably help buyrates more.

What Do I Think?: You really latched onto the “clash of champions” type atmosphere that this match would create and ran with it. The beef that Cena and Rock have with each other is founded on relatively easy-to-understand concepts of jealousy, hypocrisy and abandonment and you captured that aspect really well. I agree with you, hesitantly, when you say that Cena definitely has to come out on top in this feud. Do I think Rocky would come back to feud exclusively with Cena and “pass the torch” to him, so to speak? No, I don’t. But it’s fun to think about. But never say never… Rock/Hogan happened years after the first time I heard rumors of it… so nothing’s impossible in the realm of “dream matches” and such.

Opinion #3: lwcmvp
“What Connection?!”
Being as the Rock is busy in Hollywood, and doubtfully ever coming back full time, I believe they need a buildup that can be sustained enough by the opponent to get over.

RAW – December 29th, 2008 (far away, I know but this is building up for WrestleMania 25).

MICK FOLEY APPRECIATION NIGHT: A celebration for the Ten Year Anniversary of Mick Foley winning the WWE title. Appearances include Terry Funk, Al Snow, Jimmy Snuka, Dominic Denucci, and Yurple the Clown. Messages are shown on the screen all night of superstars past and present talking about Mick Foley. Foley is even made honorary General Manager for the night. (It’s the last RAW of the year, the only other thing they could do is Tribute to the Troops which would work better on Smackdown). At the end of the night, he gives a speech thanking everyone for their support. As he is leaving the ring, full of the superstars and special guests and his family, he looks back and has an odd look on his face. The show closes with him looking back at the ring.

The next week on RAW the show opens with him in Mr. McMahon’s office, McMahon says something to the effect of “I am sorry Mick, we tried, but there is nothing we could do”.

The week after that Foley comes out to the ring to once again thank the fans and superstars for the support. He then says that sometime he questions why he got out of the business, his body was worn down, but everyone’s body in the back is like that. He then says it all has to do with that one fateful night about ten years ago, he came to the arena looking for a fight but in the end he was broken and bloody, and a shell of the man who walked into the arena.

JR: “He must be talking about Hell in the Cell.”

Foley then says that in fact he is not talking about Hell in the Cell, that did a lot of damage but it was on this night that there was incredible damage done, physical, psychological.

Foley: “….It was on this night that I had to look through the blood streaming down my face, at my distraught wife and children, who were worried that I might die there in that arena and I forgave the man that did that to me because, hell, I volunteered for the beating. When WWE management came to me a few months ago with the idea of the Mick Foley appreciation night, they asked me who I wanted to be there, that man that inflicted so much pain on me was the first name on the list. Yet just a few weeks ago, after RAW went off the air, my daughter Noelle looked me and the eyes and said, Dad, where is Uncle Dwayne? I didn’t know, last week I went to WWE management and they told me where “Uncle Dwayne” was, he was sitting at home, in Hollywood, he didn’t get advanced enough notice to show up, he couldn’t even be bothered enough to send along a personal message…”

Foley then continues on how he was the one who made The Rock (without mentioning his name) into the mega-star he is by teaming with him, and how The Rock has no respect for him.

In the weeks following, Foley delivers more scathing promos about the Rock (without mentioning his name) and does things to get the Rocks attention (one of them will include attacking Pat Patterson, one of the guys instrumental in getting the Rock into the WWE). At No Way Out, Foley announces that he has a special guest for his talk show (Foley’s Forum, Cactus Corner, The Love Shack, whatever they want to call it), The Soulman Rocky Johnson, after a few minutes of calm conversation they get into a heated argument and Foley attacks Johnson.

Finally, one night on RAW, a mysterious limo pulls up in the parking lot, nobody gets out and the suspense is building all night. End of the night, limo door opens. Feed to the back drops away, the lights in the arena go out. The Rocks Entrance Music!!!!! Its… Its… Its….. Mick Foley. He played a trick on everyone. He begins to imitate The Rock, he is interrupted when someone jumps the barrier and attacks him, they pull of the hoodie that covers their head and it is The Rock. Rock then grabs Foley’s mic and says “Mick, you want a personal message? You. Me. WrestleMania.”

What Do I Think?: Well Mick certainly does carry the workload for the part of the feud that your described, but its kind of nice. His position as an announcer could help him if this storyline is built such that over the next few months he sort of devolves to the point where he loses the happy-go-lucky attitude. I like how, up until the end of his Appreciation Night, you have no idea that you’re headed towards Foley vs. Rocky. It just smacks you upside the head when he says “Dwayne”… and then you know he’s talking about the Great One. I have one little problem with the way the Brahma Bull reveals himself, because he’s just too flashy to show up in a hooded sweatshirt. The Rock doesn’t ambush people from the crowd; The Rock announces days in advance, has cameras waiting backstage to film his arrival, comes into the arena with a ten-minute-long entrance video, and saunters to the ring to confront your roody-poo candy-ass. At least, that’s always how he shows up in my dreams.

Thanks a ton to those of you who sent in your ideas. I will never, ever, ever tire of hearing other people’s opinions on the future of our wonderful wrestling shows.

And thanks a ton to those of you who didn’t send in any ideas, too! I will never, ever, ever tire of not having to read your stupid little emails.

Just kidding. I’ve always heard that emails are, on average, ten times smarter than the people who write them. So your emails are probably quite intelligent, not stupid at all. But you? You’re the real dummies. Just kidding. Dummies are people on strings. Just kidding. They’re puppets. Just kidding. They’re ventriloquist tools. Just kidding. They’re products of their environment! Just kidding. Everybody is different. Just kidding. Everybody is unique. Just kidding. Everybody is beautiful. Just kidding. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Just kidding. An eye for an eye. Just kidding. I have an eye. Just kidding. No I don’t. Just kidding. Really I have one and I can’t tell you about it. Just kidding. Really I can. Just kidding. Really I can but then I would have to kill you. Just kidding. I can but you’ll have to fight me for it. Just kidding. Just kidding. Just kidding. Just kidding…

What do I think about the Return of the Rock?

Let’s start where the draft left off on Monday… with Vince falling to his doom. He comes out in a wheelchair the night after Night of Champions and says that he is going to start learning from his mistakes. He tried to please everyone by giving away money and he was injured while giving away money… so he’s going to stop giving away money. McMahon knows that many would expect him to launch a full investigation into the culprit behind his injury. “But, I’ve done investigations in the past and… well… I wound up with a leprechaun for a son, and…” McMahon says slowly, pausing to swallow before he finishes. “So we’re not doing any investigation this time.” Before he starts to wheel himself backstage, McMahon tells the crowd that he knows the man who was responsible will come forward on his own accord… he just knows it.

Sure enough, the “culprit” agrees to come forward at the end of the next week’s RAW. Of course, they run down a who’s-who of people who might want to hurt McMahon and they run down how many times he’s been hurt in the past. But nobody expects a maintenance guy to be the only man in the ring at the end of the show. A normal-looking guy gets on the microphone and cuts a pretty boring promo about how he could have tightened the screws on that part of the stage, or he could have told his buddy to check on the electrical wiring when it he thought it was getting hot… but he just didn’t. McMahon wheels out to the top of the ramp to berate the maintenance man but doesn’t really get anywhere – it’s pretty anticlimactic. After he fires the poor, lazy guy, McMahon finally asks why on Earth anyone would treat their job so badly and be so negligent.

McMahon: “Why? Why did you do it, maintenance guy?”
Maintenance Guy: “I did it for the Rock.”

And so it begins. Immediately, McMahon is doubtful. “The Rock?! You did it for the Rock? What the Hell does that mean?!” he shouts, but to no avail. The maintenance guy drops his microphone and walks up the ramp, past McMahon, without answering even one more question.

Over the weeks leading up to the Great American Bash, there is little progression in the angle. The maintenance guy presumably goes home unemployed and doesn’t provide any more information about why he did it for the Rock. As McMahon’s broken leg heals, we see backstage segments where he talks about what the maintenance guy said. He talks about the Great One with his cohorts but never refers to him by name. One time, he sends someone off to try to contact the Rock about his possible involvement and they return empty-handed, saying they only got through to his assistant’s-assistant and he is far too busy to give Vince the time of day. Overall, everybody acts kind of confused but starts to put the stuff behind them until the GAB pay-per-view.

The ring ropes snap in the middle of a match between Matt Hardy and Finlay at the Bash, and the next night on RAW one of the referees no-shows his appointment to call a match between CM Punk and Lance Cade. In both instances, the WWE employee admits that his negligence was the cause of the problem and that he was told by someone claiming to be the People’s Champion that if they just kind of “let things go” they would be rewarded. And they were rewarded, handsomely, so they don’t have a problem admitting the mistake. This causes general unrest in the locker rooms and in the ring because nobody really knows when something else will go awry due to the Rock’s interference. McMahon seems helpless to stop the situation from escalating and, since he can’t get Rocky on the phone, continues to downplay the Brahma Bull’s involvement at all.

During the weeks leading up to Summerslam the angle progresses with McMahon, still-wheelchair-bound, getting secretly paranoid about the events in his company. Two weeks before SS, while McMahon is the special guest on the V.I.P. Lounge with M.V.P., a messenger interrupts the conversation to deliver a special telegram to Vince. The note reads:

Vince,
See you at Summerslam.
The Great One.

Immediately, M.V.P. sees an opening and offers his services to help McMahon at Summerslam. He decides to take the messenger’s interruption as the Rock’s interruption, which was very rude and will not be tolerated by the highest-paid superstar in Smackdown history. Before the pay-per-view on August 17, the hype is built to an amazing level because the crowd knows that the Rock has promised to be at the event. Was he really the one who paid WWE employees to cause damage with their negligence? Why does he feel the need to interfere in the business that he left in the dust? Most of all, does this mean he is returning to active competition?

After a night of backstage vignettes featuring Vince freaking out from paranoia and M.V.P. doing his best to keep a straight face, the two come to the ring after the main event and wait. There is much waiting and many demands for Rocky to appear, but it only serves to amplify the excitement in the room. Eventually, it happens…

The lights dim and the huge television screen at the top of the ramp shows the night-time image of a helicopter, a spotlight, a downtown area, and skyscrapers. It’s the return of the Rock!

A slimmer, smaller version of the Great One makes his way slowly to the ring amidst what seems to be the cheers of every living person in Indianapolis. He climbs the turnbuckle on the outside of the ropes, thrusts his right arm in the air, and raises his nose as if to smell the air… the energy… the electricity of the moment. A standing ovation ensues and once things settle down, the Rock takes the microphone:

“Finally… the Rock… has come back… to Summer Slam! Now, the Great One knows… he knows what you are all thinking! Yeah, he knows that everyone wants to know what the Rock has been up to, what the Rock has been doing, how the Rock has been all this time! But… just one thing before the Rock goes any further. Vince, the Rock knows who you are, the Rock asked you to be here tonight. But this jabroni…” The Rock turns to M.V.P. and the crowd boos him ferociously. “Who in the blue Hell are YOU?!”

Taken aback, M.V.P. finally starts to respond, “I’m…”

“It doesn’t matter what your name is!” The Rock interrupts, drawing a huge response from the crowd. “Now, the Rock is here for one reason and for one reason only… the Rock is here, the Great One is here, because Vince McMahon has been calling him day in and day out trying to get a date with the Rock!”

The crowd laughs and Vince loosens his collar. The rest of the conversation reveals the Rock’s true intentions: he was in Alaska shooting a movie and got bored watching TV in his trailer so he paid guys he knew from his WWE days to “loosen things up” and provide him with some entertainment, but now he feels bad and wants to own up to his mistake. He offers to pay for whatever was broken or to buy Vince a new set, a new ring, hell, a new planet, he’s got so much money now. Vince responds by saying that no one, NO ONE, messes with his product and that he wants the Rock to feel more than financial pain for what he did… after all, Vince wound up breaking his leg as a result of the Rock’s pranks. While McMahon distracts the Rock with the story of his plight, M.V.P. readies for a sneak attack and finally lunges onto the People’s Champ. The table are quickly turned, however, and a short struggle ensues which ends with M.V.P. on the receiving end of a Rock Bottom. During the struggle, Vince was knocked out of his wheelchair and outside the ring itself so the show closes with EMTs tending to his needs while the Rock triumphantly celebrates his return.

I think that a feud between M.V.P. and the Rock would be a very interesting way for Dwayne Johnson to return to the WWE. By wrapping the return of the Great One up with the McMahon angle we can assure that at least if we have to see Vince on the TV then at least we can see him arguing with a legend. I can also see this somehow leading into the birth of the New Nation of Domination with M.V.P in the forefront as he seeks assistance in turning back the threat of the Rock. Smackdown superstars like Shelton Benjamin and Big Daddy V, not to mention the new-and-improved D. Lo Brown, would fit perfectly into the group. The Rock’s return to SD also coincides with its move to a new channel and would really spike the ratings. He doesn’t have to vie for the championship, and I’m not saying he has to stay long, but M.V.P. could truly benefit from the rub and this is a fun way to explain the current McMahon storyline. What do y’all think?

Moving on…

The WWE Draft was this week and several superstars switched brands. Sometimes, switching brands is a sign of good things to come. Shelton Benjamin (’04), John Cena (’05) and John Morrison (’07) are just a few examples of guys who saw their stock in the company rise after they experienced a change of scenery. Will this year’s draft lead to a huge push for a guy on the verge of mega-stardom? Will a dependable mid-carder finally get his chance in the main event on a different show? It’s up to you, baby! It’s all up to you.

Next week’s homework… due Tuesday, July 1st at 11 PM EST
Pick a WWE superstar from the list below of superstars who were either drafted on Monday (RAW draft) or Wednesday (supplemental draft) and give him a big push on his new show. Does he develop a new personality or gimmick to make an instant impact? Does he challenge for a new championship that wasn’t previously available to him? Or does he just gain new confidence from new competition? Tell me how the draft gave him the “boost” that he needed to reach new heights in the WWE.

NEW RAW SUPERSTARS
Rey Mysterio, CM Punk, Batista, Kane, Jamie Noble, Deuce, Chuck Palumbo, Matt Striker, Kofi Kingston.

NEW SD SUPERSTARS
Jeff Hardy, Umaga, Mr. Kennedy, Triple H, Trevor Murdoch, Big Daddy V, D.H. Smith, Brian Kendrick, Shelton Benjamin, Carlito.

NEW ECW SUPERSTARS
Matt Hardy, Mark Henry, Hornswoggle, Super Crazy, Finlay.

I’ll say it right now… I’m expecting at least one person to plan a Brian Kendrick vs. Triple H match for the World Championship as part of Kendrick’s long-awaited main event push. But until next week, that’s all from the Fink’s Payload! Remember to send your thoughts and ideas and responses to [email protected]!

Special thanks this week go to Kristen Wiig for inspiration. Does anyone else realize that we are supposed to pronounce that like “wig” and not like “weeeeeeg”? That’s just silly.