The Royal Rumble Breakdown 01.29.06

WWE Royal Rumble — 1.29.2006

Live from Miami, Fla.

Your hosts are Michael Cole, Tazz, Joey Styles and Jerry Lawler.

Opening Match, Cruiserweight Open: Kid Kash vs. Funaki vs. Jamie Noble vs. Nunzio vs. Paul London vs. Gregory Helms.

Gregory is eligible because it’s open to all former CW champs. He’d do better on SD anyway. Oh, we have a Jamie Noble sighting! The SD superstars team up against him before everyone pairs off. Nunzio locks in a jujigatame, called such by Tazz. London dropsaults and gets two. Helms tosses London to the floor but takes a Sicilian Slice for two. Noble jumps his cousin from behind (remember that?) Kash backdrops Nunzio onto Helms and London on the outside. Noble sneaks up on the champ with a leg lariat for two. Funaki whips him into a tope on the outside superstars. That leaves Funaki and Kash, so Kash shoves Funaki out on the recovering guys. London boots Kash out and follows with the SHOOTING STAR PLANCHA! Helms and London fight on the top rope with Kash underneath. Helms delivers a swinging neckbreaker off the top and injures himself. That enables Kash to sneak in with a dropkick and the Dead Level on London. Everyone gets back in to make the save. Noble yanks Funaki off the top and drops him with a press rib breaker. Helms breaks up a Noble Dragon Sleeper and finishes Funaki with the Shining Wizard to pick up another CW Title reign at 7:41. It would have been a little more meaningful if Helms were on any kind of a role, or Kash had been able to establish himself. It’s the right move, though. Kash does not look happy at all. Spotty stuff here. **

Vince McMahon and his Devils — Torrie, Victoria & Candice — dismiss Teddy Long for the evening and draw numbers for Randy Orton and Triple H. Orton is happy with his number, but Hunter promises a win and gets in a few double entendres before drawing what can only be assumed to be a very bad number.

Mickey James comes up to a stretching Trish Stratus and reveals that she loves her. Trish reacts in much the same way that she would if I broke into her house and said the same thing.

Mickey James vs. Ashley

Trish Stratus is the special guest referee. Stiff tie-up to start, and they fall to the floor. Back in, they exchange wristlocks, and Ashley gets a Majestral Cradle for one. Ashley tosses her around the ring, causing James to snap. Mickey jumps her from behind and slaps on a Single Leg Crab. To the outside, Mickie picks her up and slams Ashley gutfirst into the ringpost. Great characterizations from Mickey as she goes from brutality to looking at Trish for approval. Lawler brings that up a few moments later. Back in, Fisherwoman’s Suplex gets two. Yes, Joey even called it a Fisherwoman’s Suplex. Ashley comes back with a boot to the gut and tosses Mickey around by the hair. A crucifix gets two for Ashley, and Ashley starts pummeling her to the boos of the crowd. Mickey counters the mounted punches in the corner to a powerbomb for ONE, TWO,…THREE (7:47). Trish hesitated, apparently not wanting to give Mickey the win. Still, Mickey gives Trish several unwanted hugs in celebration. This was like a ***1/2 match at half speed. **

Vince takes some time out from inspecting diva tattoos to help Big Show draw his number. PPV? There’s a PPV going on? Show wishes Rey luck, but reminds him that it’s every man for himself. Rey says that Eddy is going to help choose the right number. Judging from Rey’s reaction, Eddy probably stole the number for himself.

The Boogeyman vs. John Bradshaw Layfield (w/Jillian Hall).

JBL shoves Jillian into Boogey to buy himself some time, so Boogeyman glowers over her and let’s some chewed up worm drop in her mouth. That’s how birds eat! JBL attacks from behind and takes things to the outside. Boogeyman no-sells a smash to the announce table but takes a boot to the face. Back in, Bradshaw pummels him but misses the Clothesline From Hell and goes right into the post. “Let’s go, Boogeyman!” chant. Boogey boots him in the shoulder and finishes cleanly with a pump-handle slam at 1:56. Whoa! Did not expect that. Give it up for JBL being a total professional and making the Boogeyman look like the next big star. 1/2*

Shelton Benjamin and his Mama come in to grope Mr. McMahon and draw what appears to be a good number. Shelton promises toss Shawn Michaels. Melina comes in and flirts with Shelton, prompting Mama to yank him out by the ear. Vince promises to look into Melina’s workplace situation on Smackdown. Melina also promises that MNM will eliminate Shawn.

Royal Rumble Match:

The Spirit Squad gets the crowd the opposite of whatever hyped up is. Sadly, they decide to go with Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler as the announce team instead of the potentially awesome combination of Styles and Tazz. 90-second intervals this year. Triple H is #1. Rey Mysterio is #2, driving a lowrider to the ring. Rey goes right after Triple H’s knee and gets a tilt-o-whirl headscisors. Rey pummels him with mounted punches, but Hunter shoves him to the apron. Rey snaps his neck on the ropes and gets a springboard dropkick. Hunter avoids the 619 and levels Rey with a clothesline. Simon Dean is #3 and goes after Rey to huge heal heat. Dean tosses Rey to the apron and asks for a high five. Rey springboards back in on Dean, and he and Hunter actually team up to throw Dean over the top. Big “Eddy” chant. Rey delivers the Broncobuster as Psicosis enters at #4. He goes after Rey and hits Hunter with a spinning wheel kick. Rey and Psicosis team up for a wheelbarrow drop into a legdrop on Hunter. Psicosis turns on Rey and goes for Splash Mountain. Seriously, he does that every time they face each other. Why doesn’t he learn? True to form, Rey ranas Psicosis over the top. Ric Flair is #5. The 1992 and 2002 winners go right after one another. Flair chops away but takes a knee. The testicular claw breaks up the Pedigree, though. Mysterio’s just taking a breather now. Flair charges but gets backdropped over the top by Hunter for the elimination.

Big Show is #6 as it looks like they’re going with the Flair in ’92 formula with virtually everyone hating Hunter in some form or another. Show stomps a mudhole in the corner. Shhhh! CHOP! Hunter charges him and gets sideslammed. Show starts dropping elbows until Jonathon Coachman comes in at #7. Coach goes after Show. Yeah, Kansas doesn’t have a great educational system. Show just shoves him over the top rope. There’s too much of that going on early. Not that anyone outside of Flair deserved to make it a full :90. Chokeslam to Hunter as Bobby Lashley is #8. Hunter and Rey just kinda roll out of the way as Lashley and Show come face to face. Show no-sells a shove and knocks Lashley down with a single punch. Lashley backdrops Show and punts him underneath the bottom rope. Kane is #9 as Lashley hears death calling him. Kane and Lashley trade shots, and Lashley runs into a boot. Lashley explodes with a belly-to-belly suplex and press slams a recovering Triple H. DOMINATOR to Kane! Sylvan is #10. Well, they needed someone that Lashley could realistically eliminate. He offers Lashley a deal and then turns on him. Lashley shrugs him off and then tosses him over the top. Told you. Kane and Big Show team up to eliminate Lashley to the crowd’s consternation. Then, they turn on one another. Lawler likens it to Godzilla vs. King Kong. They fight against the ropes, and Triple H sneaks up and dumps both of them.

Carlito Cool is #11. He goes after Rey and then Hunter. He gives Rey that chinlock backbreaker but leaves himself open for a thumb to the eye by Triple H. Chris Benoit is #12 and gets a big pop. Down goes Carlito. Down goes Hunter. Down goes Rey. There goes Rey flying through the air via a German Suplex. Same to Hunter. Carlito flips out of one but gets ridden down into the Crippler Crossface. Carlito taps, but, well it’s the Rumble. Hunter jumps Benoit from behind and whips him facefirst into the buckle. Hunter puts Benoit on the apron, and they take turns trying to suplex one another. Triple H crotches Benoit on the top, but Benoit headbutts him off the top and delivers a Diving Headbutt. Booker T is #13, sporting spiffy new tights. He goes after Benoit but gets tossed almost immediately. Mercury is #14. He jumps Carlito with a jawbreaker and standing dropkick. Benoit jumps him with a German Suplex, but Mercury counters the next in the series to a reverse DDT. Tatanka is #15. APACHE, JUMP ON IT! The crowd gets into it with a Tomahawk Chop as Tatanka dominates things.

Nitro is #16. He tries to save Mercury, but Tatanka destroys him. Benoit has Triple H upside down, but he just falls to the apron. Rey goes over twice but rolls back in both times. Trevor Murdoch is #17, and his skin blinds the crowd. Of course, he goes after the Indian. Hunter tosses Rey to the apron, which is the 9th or 10th time for Rey. Rey slides back in and dropkicks his knee out from under him. Eugene is #18. He offers a hand of friendship to Trevor Murdoch, but Murdoch punches him in the face. Eugene gets angry and delivers an Airplane Spin. Both men are dizzy, so Rey gives them a double bulldog. Road Warrior Animal is #19. Powerslam to Hunter! Unfortunately, he just looks around instead of following up. Things are really bogging down at this point. Rob Van Dam returns at #20, giving the crowd some life. He goes after everyone. We get a staredown between RVD and Benoit, and RVD hits him with a spinning wheel kick. Animal charges Van Dam and gets backdropped over.

Orlando Jordan is #21 as RVD and Carlito go at it. Triple H outsmarts Eugene. He must be so proud. Chavo Guerrero is #22. He also goes after everyone, including Rey. There are the Triple Verticals to Nitro. Hunter breaks up the frogsplash, though, sending Chavo to the floor. Don’t think that doesn’t piss a few people off (for a number of reasons). Matt Hardy is #23. Things are WAY too crowded now, and more importantly, crowded with a lot of uninteresting people. Twist of Fate to Jordan. MNM hits Tatanka with the Snapshot. There he goes. Super Crazy is #24. He crossbodies onto MNM. Nothing happens until Shawn Michaels comes in at #25. Shawn goes after everyone. That’s a popular strategy this year. There goes Trevor Murdoch.

Chris Masters is #26, and either his push is working or the match really has no star power because I’m happy to see him. Triple H and Matt Hardy take turns sending each other to the apron. Viscera is #27. Matt Hardy jumps him as he gets in the ring, but Vis gives him a Samoan Drop and humps him. Well, the best way to get over somebody is to get under somebody. Matt goes for the Twist of Fate, but Viscera picks him up and tosses him to the floor. I should note that #24 and #27 are the usual lucky numbers, but this year they were drawn by Super Crazy and Viscera. So much for tradition. Benoit tosses Eugene. Shelton Benjamin is #28. He and Carlito renew acquaintances. Hunter gets involved and takes a legwhip. Golddust returns at #29. I think we all saw that one coming. Randy Orton is, of course, your #30 and over 1/3 of the participants are still in there. He goes right after Benoit and eliminates him. RKO to Viscera. Masters and Carlito toss Viscera, and then Carlito turns on him for the second PPV in a row and tosses Masters. Golddust goes over off a weak spinning wheel kick from RVD. OJ jabs at Randy Orton but gets tossed over the top. Shawn hits Hunter with the flying forearm, but MNM breaks up the rest of it. Shawn breaks up the Snapshot and eliminates both men. Shelton stalks HBK and gives him a Roundhouse Kick to the temple. Shawn reverses, though, and tosses Benjamin to the apron. A superkick sends Benjamin flying 1/4 of the way down the ramp. That brings out Vince McMahon who jaws with Michaels long enough for Shane McMahon to come in and eliminate Shawn. I guess we’re allowing outsiders to do that this year (but I guess it cements Shane as the new GM). It was also incredibly lame. Shawn goes after Shawn, but Hunter jumps in between and takes a superkick for the team. RVD blocks the Apple of My Eye and sends Carlito over.

That leaves RVD, Triple H, Randy Orton & Rey Mysterio as your final four. Rey and RVD make a pact and double team the former members of Evolution. Hunter breaks up the Five Star Frogsplash and sends Mysterio into Van Dam, eliminating Rob. Orton and Hunter now make a deal to eliminate Rey. Rey surprises them with a double DDT and double 619s them. Hunter ducks the springboard vertical splash, and it takes out Orton. Hunter jumps Mysterio with a clothesline but goes after Orton. Orton powerslams him and stalks him for the RKO, but Hunter counters to a Spinebuster. Hunter grabs Rey and puts him on top, but Rey hooks him under the arms and scissors him to the floor. And he gets one of the biggest pops you’ll ever hear. Hunter yanks Rey under the bottom rope and pummels him, giving Randy the advantage. Orton, of course, stalls for a long time with a silly grin on his face. He hauls Rey up and carries him to the rope, but Rey counters to a headscissors and sends Orton to the floor to pick up the win at 1:02:35. Rey becomes the fourth guy to go from the beginning all the way to the victory. There were some decent moments, but overall it felt like the 1996 or 1997 Rumbles, bogged down with too many people in at the same time and too little star power (the Tatanka and Golddust returns didn’t exactly do it for me). The tease of Hunter winning from #1 probably had a number of people’s butts squeezing their couch cushions, but it made Rey’s victory that much sweeter. Too bad such a nice moment came in a disappointing Rumble. ***

Mickey interrupts Trish’s WWE.com interview and thanks her for “doing the right thing.” That, of course, means that Trish loves her back. Trish goes after her to explain a few things.

In the back, Benoit, Chavo, and Dean Malenko congratulate Rey on his win. Edge comes in and warns Rey not to jump to Raw.

Recap of the Edge/Cena feud.

WWE Heavyweight Championship: Edge (w/Lita) vs. John Cena.

Cena gets a cool entrance with a gigantic hydraulic bridge extending to the ring for him. Styles brings up the increase of ratings since Edge’s title win. Edge runs into a clothesline, and Cena gets a sideslam a few moments later. Edge pauses to regroup. He shoves Lita into Cena and spears him into the steel steps. Ooooh. A baseball slide sends Cena into the laps of the people in the front row. Edge is content to try for a countout victory, but Cena makes it in at 9. Edge jumps him with knees and mocks the “you can’t see me” gesture. Cena fights back but runs into a spinning wheel kick for two. Edge hits a standing dropkick and elbows Cena to the floor. Cena goes into the steps once again. The crowd seems a bit exhausted and it’s kind of unfair to have these two go out in front of a listless after a one-hour match. I guess that’s why they stopped having the title matches after the Rumble in the first place. Back in, a missile dropkick gets a pair of two counts for Edge. Edge sets Cena on the top rope. Cena shoves him off and MISSES a guillotine legdrop. Edge mockingly jabs him, but when he tries to slip over Cena’s shoulder Cena catches him in the FU. Edge counters with a rake of the eyes and comes off the top with a crossbody. Cena rolls through for two but gets caught in a rear naked choke. Samoa Edge? Cena powers to his feet and rams Edge to the corner. Edge darts out of the way and goes for the spear, but Cena avoids and drops him with a DDT! Cena makes the big comeback as the boo birds come back. Protobomb! FIVE KNUCKLE SHUFFLE! Lita has the ref distracted, though. Cena goes after Lita and avoids Edge’s charge. Edge knocks Lita off the apron and stumbles back into the FU. Cena locks on the STFU for the submission victory at 14:02. I can think of a worse booking idea, but I’d have to try really hard. What was that again about how Edge was just keeping the spinner title to taunt Cena? Look for Cena to get booed out of arenas now that he’s no longer the underdog. But I think we all know why Cena had to win back the title. The match was pretty good, considering Edge dominated virtually every aspect until the finish. **3/4

An irate Edge declines an interview with Todd Grisham, calling him “Waldo” and nearly making me spit out my iced tea. Then things get really bizarre as Hacksaw Jim Duggan shows up just to call Lita a “HO!”

World Heavyweight Title: Kurt Angle vs. Mark Henry (w/Daivari).

Wait! I just thought of a worse booking idea. Kurt goes for a single leg, but Henry blocks with a knee smash. Kurt dodges a lot, frustrating Henry. Hnery palms Angle’s fist and powers him to the ground. Angle gets caught and dumped to the floor where Daivari gets a few shots in. Back in, Henry gets a splash for two. Things are getting a little too exciting, so Henry grabs a bearhug before the crowd has a collective heart attack. Kurt finally manages to hip toss out of it. Kurt comes off the second rope but gets caught. He counters a slam to an Anklelock for a surprisingly (or I guess not) lukewarm reaction. Henry powers out of it. Angle delivers a German and the Angleslam for two. The Anklelock follows, but Henry shoves Angle into the referee. Angle grabs a chair. Daivari tries to stop him and takes a chairshot to the face. Henry grabs the chair and, for some odd reason, tosses it aside, so Kurt just grabs it again and levels him with a pair of shots. They get two as Charles Robinson wakes up. Kurt undoes the middle turnbuckle and drops Henry’s face into it as he’s charging in. Henry is stunned, so Angle schoolboys him for the win at 9:30. Daivari was more over than Henry, as evidenced by the pop when he took the chairshot. They probably would have been better off with him as the challenger. Kurt’s celebration is cut off by the Undertaker who comes out and does a few parlor tricks, including a new one where he collapses the ring with Kurt in it. The match is about what I expected and a horrible way to end the show. *1/4

Final Thoughts: Rey’s win was similar to Benoit’s in that it was somewhat expected, but you really didn’t think they’d do it until it actually happened. It’s a risky move from a federation that doesn’t really like to do that kind of thing. Edge’s loss reeks of politics. It certainly doesn’t reek of good sense. Not only that, but they turned the whole thing into a joke for Jim Duggan to get a one-liner. Henry had no business in the title match, I think we all know that. Even so, it makes the prospect of Angle vs. Taker seem positively delightful by comparison. Two good matches and two average matches would normally be enough to earn a thumbs up, but given that *** is about as bad as you can screw up a Rumble these days, it becomes a relative thing.

Mild thumbs down here.

J.D. Dunn