Down With The Brown: The Bobby Heenan Show (1989)

Lord, give me the strength.

No, not to review this. I’ve gotten a few words from folks asking what’s taking me so damn long to get another column out.

Needless to say, I seem to have become an official ‘Net columnist as I finally succumbed to the inevitable computer virus that pretty much crippled my system for the past week. Couple that with some unpleasant issues with a member of the opposite sex and well, things have not been too terribly wonderful for me.

Well, that’s gonna change. Right freakin’ now.

I’m not meaning to be on a WWF kick, but after getting this in the mail from a faithful reader, well, I had to keep the McMahon train a-goin’ just one more column.

For some reason, Vince always had a fetish for the variety talk show. First with Tuesday Night Titans in the mid-80’s and later with the studio audience involved with Prime Time Wrestling, Vince had a thing for it. And out of that spawned this, The Bobby Heenan Show.

To me, Prime Time Wrestling was the best wrestling show on TV. You got to see all the highlights from Superstars or Challenge or SNME and even got a few MSG matches thrown in. Granted the hit / miss ratio of matches staggered way too favorably in the negative, but the banter of Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan MORE than made up for it.

So for reasons that are foreign to me, it was decided to give the funnier half, Heenan, his own thirty minute talk show. And to make it weirder, it turned out to be a REAL talk show.

Angle-wise, the story went this way. Bobby Heenan got tired of Gorilla Monsoon’s constant putdowns and criticisms and he quit not only PTW, but Wrestling Challenge (to make way for Tony Schiavonne.) And Heenan threatened Monsoon by saying he was planning on making his own show. Now it was of course expected to be a joke, but the joke ended up being on all of us as the last half hour of PTW was dedicated the next week to Heenan’s show. And in a bizarre twist, the show KEPT GOING. Granted, it was for only four weeks, but still…..

So PTW was reduced to 90 minutes and Roddy Piper was named the new co-host. What follows is some of the weirdest stuff on TV at the time. And today we look back at the entire month-long run of The Bobby Heenan show.

Episode 1 (Guests: Jameson Winger and the comedy of Koko and Penny)

I’m going to be honest, I was a little fearful going into this that the show may not hold up well. I hadn’t seen these shows since they first aired fourteen years ago. What I thought was funny then, may not be as funny now. And I was right. In many cases, it’s funnier.

Lord Alfred Hayes serves as announcer, resurrecting his tux from TNT. Now the gist of the program is that Heenan is too cheap to get real guests or real talent, so he’s resorted to Gong Show-type guests instead. He even boasts that he has “attractive females” to escort his guests and out come the Rosatti sisters, three rather, let’s just say, plump ladies who made regular appearances on PTW for no particular reason (though I guess the story is they were just fans that caught the right person’s attention.) Heenan refers to them as his “Oinkettes” as the ladies come out in outfits you’d rather not see a large person in.

Heenan: Do you girls do any kind of sports or exercise?

#1: Weightlifting.

Heenan: You mean, like quarter pounders?

I originally planned to do a transcript of the show but that’s just not going to do this justice. What follows after the commercial break is twenty minutes of what may have been the most ahead of its time the WWF has ever been and may ever be.

The first guest is Jameson, and you older fans are sighing already, and I don’t blame you. Jameson was the WWF “nerd” character who kept coming back off and on between 1989 and 1992 ultimately becoming the manager of the Bushwhackers. Needless to say, he was not the most popular guy in the WWF, and what people forget, including myself, is initially, the guy was hysterical.

The premise is that Jameson bluffed his way onto the show and now that he’s on, he doesn’t know what to say or do so Heenan berates him for two segments. What makes it work is Jameson’s befuddled anger in response to Heenan’s jibes. Typical banter:

Jameson: Can I put my feet up?

Heenan: No, only the host may do that.

Jameson: (looking at Heenan’s propped up feet) Those are nice shoes.

Heenan: Yes, I own them too.

The beauty of it is that you have no idea what the hell is going on. Jameson tells Heenan that “Vince” asked him to come on. He goes on to proclaim his love for The Doors, (Heenan loves The Greyhounds. He’s never heard their music, but he sees their tour buses everywhere.) how on his late date he went bowling:

Heenan: Boy, I bet you got women pounding down your door.

Jamison: Sometimes.

Heenan: Probably need a pit bull to keep them away.

Jameson: I don’t like dogs.

(BTW, there have been steady rumors that Jameson moved on and is now a stand-up comedian known as Andy Kindler, a guy who’s written one of the funniest essays I’ve read called “How to Be a Comedy Hack.” They are two different people.)

The next guests are the “comedy” team of Koko and Penny, a mother-daughter duo who redefine the word hack by performing jokes that were cliche in the vaudeville area. Daughter is the straight woman to mom’s sex-craved buffoon and the two perform as if their training consisted of junior high drama class. Heenan proceeds to tell them that they really stink, and the nervous laughter that follows from the two is maybe the closest thing I’ve seen to Andy Kaufman territory in a long time. The two start to promote their comedy show:

Penny: We perform every Sunday night in NY at Dangerfield’s.

Heenan: They must be closed that night.

The interview continues awkwardly to the point that Heenan starts talking to Jameson again. “I think I’d rather talk to you.”

Heenan asks them to perform an encore, and about eight seconds in he cuts them off, tells everybody the show is over, swivels his chair so that the back of his head is facing everybody and the credits roll.

Words fail me. This show is sooooooo bad yet an absolute riot.

Episode 2 (Guests: an 84 year-old stripper and a man who can whistle through his nose)

It looks like this was taped at the same time as Heenan has the exact same clothes on. Heenan takes mercy on Jameson (or as Heenan calls him “Jeremy”) and he makes him his sidekick. Jameson reads my mind and asks Bobby why he’s wearing the same clothes.

Jameson falls asleep during the break. And out comes the 84 year-old stripper (Leola Harlow) dressed as Miss Kitty from Gunsmoke. The show quickly turns into Studio Production I as we get a serious of intercuts between the three talents. Leola busts out a less than average musical number. Bobby promises “a lot of flesh” after the break.

Back from the break and Heenan wants some stripper music. Naturally, Rick Rude’s music plays and she strips down to a dress and pantyhose. Heenan’s a little disappointed that she won’t remove more. Leola wants some loving from Heenan. So Heenan tells her to lay on the couch and shut her eyes, and dream about being with him.

Heenan: And keep dreaming (to audience:) I wouldn’t touch her.

Leola: You mean you’re not gonna?

Heenan: I already did. You musta forgot.

Time for the nose-whistler. The whistler has a DeNiro demeanor in that he talks in three-second increments and he keeps looking around while he’s talking. He busts out a tune and Heenan encourages Leola to strip to it. Heenan requests a Bon Jovi song. Whistler suggests “Battle Hymn of the Republic” instead. Heenan thanks him for being on the show and filling in for the “neutered duck.”

Episode 3 (Guests: An elderly belly dancer, a hypnotist, and a pigeon trainer)

Jameson’s already sitting in the lackey seat this time. And Heenan’s STILL wearing the same outfit. The belly dancer comes out to perform as Heenan asks her to “make ‘em bounce.” For some reason she has no idea where the stage is as she keeps dancing borderline-backstage. The dance goes waaaaaay too long though Heenan seems to be enjoying it.

After the break the dancer gives Jameson some lessons. She turns her veil into a turban for his head. They go through some movements while Heenan laughs at him. She ends up standing on his back with her heels while Jameson yells in pain.

Out comes the hypnotist. He proclaims to make people stop smoking. Heenan: “Really? Can you make them start?” Naturally, Jameson gets hypnotized.

Heenan: Now, if you do this, is there any chance that he may not come back out of it?

Hypnotist: No.

Heenan: Darn.

Jamison gets hypnotized into thinking his glasses are X-ray glasses. Jameson laughs at Heenan and stares at the dancer and we’re off to another guest.

The pigeon trainer is next. Heenan pisses her off right from the start with this question:
“When you Shake ‘n’ Bake them, how much meat is REALLY there?”

She doesn’t speak English too terribly well and Heenan obviously has NO idea what she’s talking about. Basically he asks a question, she answers it, and Heenan just sits there waiting to talk again.

Everybody comes out to dance. End of show.

And now comes the most INFAMOUS episode of The Bobby Heenan show. As Heenan predates the Attitude era by about eight years with this show.

Episode 4 (Pornstar Heather Hunter, painter Morris Katz, and a woman who can blow smoke bubbles)

Our first guest is the world’s fastest painter. He immediately sucks up to Heenan: “You are the BEST talk show host.” Heenan: “Thank you. You look like a terrorist.” He offers to paint a picture of the house where Heenan was born. He continues to suck up to Heenan. Heenan gets tired of him so he asks him to paint while he gets another guest out.

And out comes Heather Hunter. Now let me explain something here. Back when this aired, I had NO idea this was a REAL porn actress, I thought it was just a joke. Imagine my surprise years later when I put two and two together.

Heather sits while Jameson is suddenly getting REALLY uncomfortable. The joke is that Hayes introduces her as an “entertainer and film star” without getting specific. So Heenan doesn’t know what she REALLY does. But Jamison obviously does. And things get off to a great start:

Heenan: What movies have you been in?

Heather: The Trials and Tribulations of Heather Hunter….

Heenan: Oh, a documentary.

Heather: Coming on America.

Heenan: With Eddie Murphy and Arsenio Hall? Arsenio’s a good friend of mine. (And give this guy an award because you are completely convinced that he’s clueless)

Heenan starts talking about her “romantic interests.” He then asks her about working with Eddie Murphy. She explains the movie is called Coming ON America, it doesn’t have Eddie Murphy in it. Heenan gets confused so Jameson tells Heenan what she does. Heenan gets flustered and he immediately goes to break.
Back from break and the painter’s done a country scenery in about seven minutes. Heenan looks at it for two seconds and tells him he’s busy with his guest. Heenan has gotten much closer to his guest than before the break. The painter interrupts to show his work. Heenan doesn’t care. Heenan asks Heather if she’d do a scene with Jamison. She agrees which Heenan is shocked by.
He asks why. She likes his curls. “Your hair would be curly too if you hadn’t washed it in six years.”

Heenan asks if she has any other talents. She says she can dance and proceeds to shake her moneymaker to Jody Watley’s “Real Love.” Morris finishes another painting and he tries to show it but nobody’s interested. Even Jameson screams “Who cares?!?!?!?” Heenan keeps making wisecracks and Heather tries hard not to break up in the middle of her routine. Jameson starts stacking pillows in his lap for some “reason.” And for the finale, Heather lowers his top and shows her breasts and Heenan flies backwards out of his seat and to the floor. Heenan goes to the break though he tells Heather to stay there with her chest exposed. (Don’t get too excited, her back is to the camera, though we get glimpses of an emergency backup camera that has a WIDE shot just in case.)

Back from the break and Morris has finished painting number 3. Time for another guest. Meanwhile, Jameson won’t remove the pillow from his lap. Out comes a woman who can blow smoke bubbles. Jameson becomes preoccupied with Hunter’s video boxes. She hits the matches and lights up. Nothing happens though as she inhales, exhales, inhales, exhales. Heenan asks “So are we just gonna sit here and watch you die?”

More smoking, nothing happens. So while we wait, she shows us a stuffed animal called Dinkem the Platypus. Off to break.

We’re back, and Morris has four paintings done. Finally after about six minutes she blows one. Heenan wants to celebrate so Heather dances some more. The others dance too including Morris who dances with his painting.

End of show.

To be perfectly honest, The Bobby Heenan Show is a little hit-and-miss. And I think it may have been best that there were only four shows, because I could see the format getting old quickly. The first episode is an absolute RIOT. The Heenan and Jameson dialogue is some of the funniest WWF TV I’ve seen. I can’t do the timing justice, but you can tell how “on” Heenan is here. And Jameson’s first two segments are easily his funniest as he plays the angry flustered nerd to perfection. But Jameson tries too hard in the later episodes and it’s just not as funny.

So why does it work sometimes and not others? Episode 1 shows Heenan being merciless to his guests, and while insult humor can be pretty easy, in this case it’s freakin’ hysterical. He tones it down for shows 2 & 3, taking shots at Jameson instead. Episode 4 rates so high not because there’s a hottie pornstar on so much as that she GETS it. She knows it’s all bullshit but she plays along and tries to have fun with it. Everybody else on the show seems to legitimately think they have a national stage for their talent and while it was funny at first, it gets a little old.
The Bobby Heenan Show is a very interesting experiment that when it fails, it’s dull, but when it hits, it’s absolute gold.

Thumbs up, very much recommended, A-.

And I have no link to send you this time, so if you’re REALLY interested, REALLY interested, send me an E-mail. I’ll see what I can do.

-Sydney Brown