411’s WWE Velocity Report 06.14.03

A CROSSOVER CLASSIC BEGINS NOW
Yup, it’s the third 411 WWE Saturday Full-Night Event, in which VELOCITY and CONFIDENTIAL team-up in unexpected ways! Confidential’s W. Dal Bush is on a well-deserved vacation this week so my co-conspirator is no stranger to this space, JIMMY P.S. HAYES. I guarantee this to be the most confusing and annoying batch of Reports you’ve read yet here at 411Mania! Let’s do it to it!

VELOCITY #56
It’s Josh Mathews! It’s Ernest “The Cat” Miller! It’s a preview from WWE.com:
This week, Kanyon goes one on one will Bill DeMott. Can the Tough Enough III trainer prove that HE’S better than Kanyon?
Plus, newcomer Orlando Jordan has been collecting his fair share of wins lately. Will the winning streak continue when he steps in the ring with the original MFer, Shannon Moore?
And speaking of MFers, Crash will battle Rikishi. In addition, Spanky will be in action.
Plus, we’ll take a look back at the Big Show-Brock Lesnar WWE Championship match and the Zach Gowen-Mr. McMahon arm-wrestling contest from SmackDown!

MATCH #1: SHANNON MOORE v. ORLANDO JORDAN
Referee: Brian Hebner
Shannon brings copies of the new WWE Magazine to the ring. It has Matt Hardy Version 1 on the cover.
Orlando requested this match after Shannon helped Crash beat Orlando on last week’s Velocity. See? It pays to follow along. We actually have our own Velocity storylines.

They start out by circling each other around the ring. Shannon shouts out to the crowd throwing up the “V1” sign. Orlando then shouts out to the crowd, to a bigger response. Copycat! Still with the circling, finally into a collar and elbow tie up. Shannon ducks behind for a waist lock. Orlando counters with a drop toehold into a front headlock. Shannon counters with a hammerlock. Orlando rolls thru it, gets to his feet and applies a headlock. Shannon tries to break it by sending him to the ropes, but Orlando holds on. A few punches to the gut and Shannon is able to send Orlando to the ropes this time. Orlando comes back with a shoulder block. Orlando goes back to the ropes. Shannon is ready with an enziguri attempt but Orlando spins him around and hits a clothesline. Punches to the gut by Orlando, backing Shannon into a corner. Brian pulls Orlando off Shannon. Irish whip by Orlando. Baseball slide by Shannon into a waist lock. Reversal by Orlando. Orlando spins Shannon around again and throws more body punches. Whip to the corner by Orlando and he charges. Back elbow by Shannon. Drop toehold by Shannon, sending Orlando’s face into the middle turnbuckle. Stomps to the back by Shannon. From across the ring Shannon runs and jumps onto Orlando’s back. 2-count on Orlando. Irish whip by Shannon into a back elbow and another 2-count. One knee headlock by Shannon. Ah, the old standard of a rest hold two minutes into the match. Orlando eventually works to his feet, elbows out and whips Shannon to the corner. Shannon hops backwards out of the corner, over the charging Orlando. Orlando hits the turnbuckle and Shannon hits a spinning heel kick. Shannon backs up and runs across the ring, preparing to jump on Orlando’s back again, but Orlando moves. Shannon hits empty turnbuckle. Josh uses the ‘went to the well too many times’ phrase. Orlando throws a punch. Shannon throws a forearm. Repeat. Repeat again. A little fancy footwork from Orlando and he drops Shannon. Another Irish whip by Orlando and he follows with a back elbow. Another Irish whip by Orlando and he follows that with a power slam for a 2-count. Whip to the corner by Orlando and he charges. Shannon gets both feet up. Second rope neck breaker by Shannon. 2-count on Orlando. Shannon spazzes because he thinks it’s a slow count. Shannon heads to the top rope and jumps at Orlando. Orlando catches him and hits a standing neck breaker for the pin.

WINNER: Orlando Jordan (4:29)

Commercial break. Terri is hosting Slammin’ Saturday Night. Unlike the other Divas that have hosted, Terri doesn’t talk to us. Its “arty” footage of her painting long strips of hanging fabric while being naked. She’s painting with her body. And she does voiceovers, this time about the Bad Blood PPV. We’ll only see her two more times this program.

RECAP of Zach Gowan arm-wrestling Vince McMahon for a WWE contract. Or arm-wrestling Mr. America as it turned out. No, no, it was Vince v. Zach after all. Wait, Sable had something to say to Vince in private, so now it is Vince v. Mr. America. After switching from left arms to right, Sable flashed Mr. America allowing Vince to pick up the win. Then it’s down to Vince v. Zach. Once again, Vince wins. After kicking Zach’s leg under the table.

Commercial break, featuring a commercial for RAW’s Bad Blood pay-per-view.

WWE Rewind is Rey Mysterio winning the Cruiserweight Championship from Matt Hardy two weeks ago.

Velocity is brought to us by the JVC Tower of Power, 1-800-Call-ATT & Starburst Fruit Chews.

Want MATCH #2? Then head on over to this week’s Confidential Report! Instead we get two segments from Confidential! Take it away, Jimmy!

SEGMENT #2: CHRISTIAN & TRISH TOUR THE UK
Christian on England “There’s a lotta fields and a lotta sheep. That’s about it.” William Regal is gonna kick his ass. While in England Christian visits his “Europeeps”, but 1) They don’t know who he is and 2) All they care about is the Rock. At last you’re on your own! Meanwhile Trish visits the Castle of Nottingham, headquarters of the dastardly Sheriff of Nottingham. She shows us the Middle Bailey where Robin Hood would sneak in undercover and compete in jousting events to win Maid Marion’s heart. What, no Hell in the Cell? Next she visits Mortimer’s Hole, the secret passageways beneath the castle, were many battles took place. My guess is they were all bra & panties matches. Merry Men indeed!

SEGMENT #3: THE PLAYA’s CLUB.
Jizzle-onathan Coachman hollas at Thizzle-eodore Long. Here’s the highlights, playa:

JC-Do you like Jazz music?
TL-Yes I do, there is nothing wrong with Jazz’s music.

JC-Theodore, I asked you if you liked Jazz music NOT Jazz’s music.
TL-Are you tryin’ to say that I didn’t “get you”, that I’m not “down with that”? All right we’ll play whitie’s game. No I don’t like Jazz music.

JC-What flavors does Hatorade come in?
TL-White. Vanilla

JC-Is that the only flavor?
TL-That’s the only color that’s hatin’.

JC-Who do you think is the most important leader in Black History?
TL-Theadore R. Long

JC-How does one go about thuggin’ and buggin’?
TL-Just kickin’ somebody’s ass. As simple as that.

JC-Has Rodney considered a possible endorsement deal with McDonalds where he would “Back the Big Mac”?
TL-The only way that Rodney was do it is to buy a chain of MacDonald’s. That’s the only way we do it. Dolla-Dolla-Bill. Belee Dat.

-Folks, I am a white boy from Wisconsin- Fo-shizzle!

And now, back to Velocity!

Commercial break including one for the “Rey Mysterio 619” DVD which I bought and liked immensely. Who’s that jumpin’ out the sky? R-E-Y Mysterio, here we go!

MATCH #3: SPANKY v. CHAD COLLYER
Referee: Jimmy Kordaris
Chad Collyer was trained by Dean Malenko and actually looks like a thicker Dean Malenko, but without Dean’s personality.

They circle, swatting at each other. Double hand test of strength. Collyer backs Spanky to the ropes. Jimmy calls for a break. Spanky shoves him away. They lock up again and Spanky hooks a wrist lock. Spanky flips Collyer over while switching to an armbar. Collyer flips up to his feet, reverses the hold and hits Spanky with a back kick into a cover. 2-count on Spanky. Both men are back to their feet. Test of strength again. Double leg takedown by Collyer. Bow and arrow by Collier. Spanky works his way out. Collyer grabs a headlock. Spanky sends him to the ropes. Shoulder block by Collyer. Collyer goes back to the ropes. Leap frog by Spanky. Irish whip by Collyer. Baseball slide by Spanky. Deep armdrag by Spanky into an armbar. Collyer fights to his feet and Spanky switches to a headlock. Collyer sends Spanky to the ropes but Spanky hangs on to the arm, ducks under it and sends Collyer to the ropes instead. Spanky goes for a hip toss. Collyer counters it into a Russian leg sweep. 2-count on Spanky. Underhook suplex by Collyer for another 2-count. Forearms to the head by Spanky. Boot to the gut by Collyer. Head butt by Collyer. Vertical suplex by Collier. Spanky kicks him off. From his knees Spanky hits forearms to the head. Collyer punches him down to the mat. Irish whip by Collyer into a clothesline. 2-count on Spanky. Rear chin lock by Collyer. Kneeling surfboard by Collier. After rocking back and forth, Spanky works up to his feet and turns into Collyer. Collyer hits a boot to the gut and tries a vertical suplex again. Spanky drops down his back. Collyer misses a clothesline. A high drop kick by Spanky sends Collyer out of the ring. Spanky dives at his thru the top two ropes, and connects. Spanky rolls Collyer back into the ring and climbs the top rope. Top rope knee drop by Spanky. Running heel kick by Spanky (what is that, a side salto? Saldo? Which?). Collyer ducks an enziguri and rolls Spanky into the Courtesy Flush (seriously are all the good move names taken??). Spanky kicks out. Collyer hooks in a Pedigree but Spanky blocks it and sets up Sliced Bread #2. Collyer shoves Spanky off, behind him. German suplex by Collyer. Spanky lands on his feet, runs to the ropes and hits the Momo Latch for the pin. Momo Latch is a head scissors take over but you come down with your leg across your opponent’s neck, hooking the leg. And I’m sure I spelled it wrong.

WINNER: Spanky (6.20)

Some of the match banter: Says Josh, “I hate talking to you, I absolutely hate it.” “You get paid to do it,” says Cat.

Commercial break featuring a Y2J/Goldberg promo. If Jericho doesn’t win, I may have to reconsider ever watching RAW again (not that I really do any more anyway…).

WWE Extreme Blast of the Night: Brock telling Kurt Angle he’s got a Championship rematch after Brock beats Big Show. That leads us into:
RECAP of Brock v. Show from SmackDown. “German? That’s ALL of Europe!” says Tazz after a German suplex from Brock on Big Show. Not having seen it on Thursday, it was pretty damn cool when the ring collapsed.

Commercial break and at the start is a topless Terri painting and extolling the virtues if Divas.

Want MATCH #4? Then head back over to this week’s Confidential Report! Instead we get Confidential segments #5 & #6! Back to you, Jimmy!

SEGMENT #5: FROM THE VAULT
Ric Flair vs Sting (from the last episode of Nitro) from Panama City, FL. My wife actually watched this segment because she grew up in Panama City and her little brother was at the show. I went to Taco Bell down the street (Hey! A guy’s gotta eat!) Flair goes “WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Sting goes “AWOOOOOOOOOO!” Tony Schivane declares :This is the MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT IN THE HISTORY OF THIS SPORT!” Sting wins, then goes home and does drugs. Praise Jesus! And they wonder why WCW folded.

SEGMENT #6: STACY’S GOT ME STUFF—I MEAN, THE STUFF
I wish I could give you a more detailed recap of this segment, but honestly I passed out 4 or 5 times during this portion of the program. Here’s what I remember. Stacy Keibler is featured in the current issue of Stuff magazine, which has Kelly Hu on the cover. During the shoot she wore over 30 different outfits, most of them very tiny. Stacy says “This shoot was so much fun, I was sooo excited.” She’s excited? My god, I’m like a compass near north! The magazine is on sale at newsstands now… you better get there before I do!

Velocity may be over, but we’re back to the Velocity Report! Thanks, Jimmy!

-360 VELOCITY
Last year this week…
1. Billy & Chuck retained the Tag Team Titles against Mark Henry and Randy Orton
2. Rikishi beat Albert with the Rump Shaker
3. Jamie Noble got a submission win over Funaki
4. Kurt Angle (yes, on Velocity!!) beat Hardcore Holly
Also last year, Vince McMahon beat Ric Flair to retain 100% ownership of RAW, Booker T was in the nWo and Moolah’s book had just come out.

WHAT THE HELL ELSE IS GOING ON?
There’s another 411 PPV Rasslin’ Roundtable up and as I haven’t watched RAW in quite a while, I chose not to participate. But I will say here and now that Mick Foley will become Champion again and then lose tomorrow on RAW to Christian.

SHOUT IT OUT LOUD
Oh, it’s a huge Birthday list this week! Tony Valdez! Mike “Murrus” Wall! Matthew Randich! Linda Pine! Kent Davison!

OUT
Velocity/Confidential is over. Now if you haven’t already, go read Confidential/Velocity! The 411 WWE Saturday Full-Night Event rambles on!