411’s WWE Velocity Report 03.08.03

IT MAY BE SUNDAY, BUT IT’s MUNDAE FOR ME
While the Undertaker was hawking SmackDown brand house show tickets at the Allstate Arena in Rosemont, Illinois today, I was a few blocks away meeting the girl of my dreams. It’s a bit hard (no pun intended) to concentrate on big, sweaty guys grasping each other this week with these Misty thoughts on my mind… but for you, faithful reader, I will try.

RATINGS WAR
And this is why I’ll never understand TV ratings…

– WWE Velocity scored a 0.9 rating with a 1.5 share.
– WWE Confidential scored a 0.8 rating with a 1.7 share.

So more people watched Velocity, but a higher percentage of people that were watching TV between 10:00pm and 11:00pm EST watched Confidential.

VELOCITY #42
What’s up, everybody? It’s a whole lot of the usual goodness as brought to us by Josh Mathews and Ernest “the Cat” Miller. Go call your Momma and tell her to watch TNN for the next 63 minutes! Or more if you want her to watch Confidential, too. You know, some of these matches seem familiar…

MATCH #1: NUNZIO (w/ CHUCK & JOHNNY, the F.B.I.) v. FUNAKI
Referee: Brian Hebner
Prediction: …sigh… Nunzio. Funaki’s push, if there was any doubt, or ever really a push, is over.

They circle. Nunzio offers to shake Funaki’s hand. Funaki accepts. Nunzio tries to pull him in, but Funaki was expecting chicanery so he kicks Nunzio in the gut. Italian whip by Funaki, reversed by Nunzio. German suplex by Nunzio—no, just a takedown. Nunzio spins around Funaki’s back and slaps him a few times for insult. Funaki reverses. Sit out by Nunzio but Funaki follows thru. Nunzio manages to get a roll-up for a 2-count. Back to their feet, Funaki ducks a clothesline and hits an arm drag. Nunzio back into a corner and Funaki charges. Nunzio gets his foot up but Funaki stops short and punches him in the face. Boots and chops by Funaki followed by a whip. Nunzio reverses it and charges after, but Funaki gets in a back elbow. Nunzio is on his back and Funaki pounds away at his face. Ninzio crawls to his corner looking for a tag but this is a singles match so he’s S.O.L. Italian whip by Funaki but he telegraphs it so Nunzio comes back with a high knee. No, Jimmy, not a hiney. Kick to the ribs by Nunzio followed by stomping. Choke by Nunzio. Nunzio drapes Funaki across the second rope and then distracts Brian, allowing Chuck to take a free shot. Clubbing forearms to the back by Nunzio. 2-count on Funaki. Another choke by Nunzio. Nunzio tries a scoop slam but Funaki jumps behind him and runs him to the ropes. Nunzio holds on to the ropes so Funaki goes rolling off. Drop toe by Funaki into the sitout drop kick. 2-count on Nunzio. Whip to the corner by Funaki and he charges, right into Nunzio’s knee. Sicilian Slice from the second rope and Nunzio gets a 2-count. Side headlock by Nunzio. Funaki hangs in there. Funaki works up to his feet and elbows out but Nunzio yanks him back down by the hair. Head scissors by Nunzio and he yanks more hair before letting go. Back to the side headlock by Nunzio. Nice dego-t, there, Chuck. Um, how do you spell dego-t? Funaki elbows out and hits the ropes. Nunzio tires a drop kick but Funaki hangs on to those ropes. Bulldog by Funaki for a 2-count. Funaki ducks a punch and hits a back suplex for another 2-count. Spinning DDT off the ropes by Funaki and a cover but Chuck distracts Funaki’s cover. Funaki chases Johnny Stambolli on the outside. Stamboli runs into the ring and Funaki follows, right into Nunzio and the Arrivederci.
After the match, Chuck & Johnny storm the ring and torment poor Funaki. Chuck chases Brian out of the ring and Nunzio stomps Funaki.

WINNER: Nunzio at 4:30 (Patrick 1-0).

Flashback, February 8, 2003:
They circle. Nunzio ducks under for a waist lock. Funaki reverses and moves to a headlock. Nunzio sends Funaki to the ropes but Funaki returns with a shoulder block. Funaki hits the ropes again but Nunzio responds with a scoop slam. Funaki kicks Nunzio away. Arm drag by Funaki, followed by another. Wrist lock by Funaki. Forearms to the head and back by Nunzio. Reversed Irish whip by Funaki but Nunzio holds on to the ropes. Funaki’s drop kick attempt hits empty air. Guido misses an elbow drop. Another arm drag by Funaki. Stomps in the corner by Funaki. Reversed Italian whip by Nunzio. Funaki tries to leap frog over, but Nunzio hits a midair drop kick. 2-count on Funaki. Elbow drop to the back by Nunzio. And another. Nunzio digs Funaki’s face into the mat. Bow-and-arrow by Nunzio but Funaki doesn’t submit. Funaki rolls out of it and into a cover on Nunzio for a 1 & Ѕ count. Schoolboy roll up by Funaki for a 2-count. Back slide by Funaki for a 2-count. Back elbow by Nunzio. Closed fist punches to the head by Nunzio. Choke by Nunzio. Funaki powers to his feet and elbows out, but Nunzio throws him back down by his hair. Stomps by Nunzio. Punches by Funaki. Reversed whip by Nunzio. Enziguri by Funaki. Off the ropes bulldog by Funaki. 2-C=count on Nunzio. Fallaway drop kick by Funaki. 2-count on Nunzio. Reversed whip to the corner by Nunzio and he charges but Funaki gets his feet up. Funaki tries for his Rising Sun tornado DDt but Nunzio counters with the Arrivederci (armbar bulldog ricocheted off the second rope) for the pin.

Commercial break.

WreastleMania Moment from WM3, 1987: Hulk Hogan beats a near crippled Andre the Giant.

RECAP of the Hulk/Vince storyline from the past few weeks worth of SmackDown! Hey, this was pretty good. They went back to the early 90’s with the reasoning behind this match. Nice, all the way back to the steroid trial.

Commercial break.

Velocity is sponsored by 1-800-CALL-ATT, Castrol GTX and Burger king.

RECAP of Torrie Wilson during her Playboy photo shoot. Torrie has always dreamed of being in Playboy. Dal, is that true? Was that ever part of her Confidential interview?

MATCH #2: DAWN MARIE v. NIDIA (w/ JAMIE NOBLE)
Referee: Lucky-Man Jimmy Kordaris
Prediction: I’m sorry Dawn, but there’s someone new in my life. I still love you, but it’s just not the same. That plus you not returning my calls makes me pick Nidia. Nidia is wearing a t-shirt that says, “You should see this wet.”

Lock up. Head lock by Nidia into a take over. Dawn head scissors her way out. Nidia kips out of the head scissors and Dawn hits a headlock take over. Dawn holds on to the headlock. Nidia works up to her feet and forearms her way out. Nidia sends Dawn to the ropes. Dawn comes back with a shoulder block. Off the ropes again Dawn hops over Nidia but Jamie pulls down the other ropes and Dawn spills outside. Just as her butt is spilling out of her shorts. As Kordaris eyes Noble, Noble simply says, “She’s sleeping.” That was actually funny. Nidia hops out and stomps on Dawn. Nidia rams Dawn into the apron and rolls her back in. In order to roll her back in, Nidia had to pull on Dawn’s shorts and they went straight up her butt, revealing far more than before. In wrestling terms I believe that is called a ‘wedgie.’ Nidia covers for a 2-count. Nidia rams Dawn into the corner and battering rams her back. And then her front. Cross ring whip by Nidia and Dawn his the corner hard. 2-count on Dawn. Slingsot to the ropes by Nidia and Dawn bounces back and lands on Nidia’s knees in a stretching submission hold maneuver. Half crab by Nidia but Dawn doesn’t submit. Nidia finally releases it because Dawn doesn’t quit. Whip to the corner by Nidia but Dawn hops up and over the charging Nidia. Arm drag by Dawn. And another. Chop by Dawn. Chop by Nidia. 3 more chops by Dawn. Whip to the corner by Dawn and she charges. Nidia gets a boot up. Clothesline by Dawn. Vader bomb from the second rope by Dawn and she coves. Jamie drags Nidia out of the ring to break the count. Dawn climbs up to the top rope and hits a high cross body block on to Jamie and Nidia on the outside. She’s hardcore!! Dawn rolls Nidia back in and gets a 2-count. Schoolgirl roll-up by Dawn for another 2-count. Clothesline by Dawn. Reversed whip to the corner by Nidia and she charges, into Dawn’s boot. Second rope cross body by Dawn but Nidia rolls thru and grabs Dawn’s shorts for the pin.

WINNER: Nidia at 4:25 (Patrick 2-0).

Commercial break.

SmackDown South Africa. Isn’t this scheduled for this week’s Confidential? Torrie loved the beach in Durban. The Johannesburg fans loved Brock Lesnar.

MATCH #3: BILL DeMOTT v. JOHN XAVIER
Referee: Mike Sparks
Prediction: Ugh. DeMott.
Before the match DeMott glared at Josh as Cat stood up and pointed to Josh’s head.
Xavier was last seen on the January 18, 2003 Velocity, losing to Chuck Palumbo.

DeMott starts by pointing at Mike Sparks and motioning him out of the way. Big trip by DeMott and he stares at Xavier. Xavier ducks under for a waist lock but DeMott elbows out immediately. DeMott clubs Xavier down. Chop against the ropes by DeMott. DeMott keeps yelling, “You tell ‘em kid; tell ‘em who I am!” and “Because I can!” More chops, a whip and a stiff back elbow, all from DeMott. Side headlock by DeMott and he cranks back on it. DeMott drops the hold and stomps on Xavier. Second rope choke and more pounding by DeMott. More second rope choking by DeMott. Jaw breaker by Xavier. Three punches by Xavier and he goes off the ropes but DeMott counters with a stiff spine buster. I use the word “stiff” a lot when describing DeMott’s moves but that’s because he makes them look really painful. No cover, just more yelling by DeMott. Stomp by DeMott. Whip to the corner by DeMott and he charges. Xavier moves and tries a schoolbiy, but DeMott simply holds onto the ropes. DeMott picks Xavier up by the neck and hits a mean head butt. The head but actually staggers DeMott and he backs up a few steps. DeMott rushes Xavier but Xavier gets a boot up. Xavier climbs up to and leaps off the second rope but DeMott nails him with a huge clothesline in mid-air. DeMott, after looking annoyed, takes down his singlet straps and nails the power bomb for the win.

WINNER: DeMott at 2:54 (Patrick 3-0).

After the bell, DeMott keeps screaming at the downed Xavier.

Commercial break.

RECAP of Brock v. Paul E. Dangerously in a steel cage. And Kurt hitting on Stephanie.

Commercial break. We applaud the dreamers.

The Overdrive of the Night is Rey Mysterio beating Tajiri for the right to face Matt Hardy V1 at WMXIX.

MATCH #4: SHANNON MOORE v. BILLY KIDMAN
Referee: Mike Chioda
Prediction: Kidman
What is this, Shannon trying to emulate Matt from No Way Out? Or is this Kidman’s revenge for that same match? Either way, wasn’t this match on Velocity a few weeks ago?

Kidman rushes right in and attacks Shannon immediately. Kidman throws him outside. Kidman rams him into the apron and then into the guardrail and then rolls him back in the ring. Knee to the gut by Moore followed by a forearm to the back. Whip to the corner by Moore but Kidman hops up and hits a head scissors. Punches by Billy and a whip but Shannon grabs the ropes and bails from the ring. Kidman grabs him by the hair and pulls him back in but Moore hits a guillotine on the top rope. Stomps on Kidman. Back suplex by Moore for a 2-count. Moore rams Kidman into the corner, pulls him out and rams him in again. Moore hangs the “V1” sign for the crowd. Another 2-count on Kidman. Kneeling surfboard by Moore and then an elbow to the head. More forearms to the back by Moore. Back to the surfboard by Moore. Kidman fights to his feet, elbows out, and hits a snap mare. Spinning heel kick by Moore for a 2-count. Moore goes to work with forearms to the back of Kidman. Snap suplex by Moore and a 2-count. Reverse chin lock by Moore. Kidman again works to his feet and elbows out. Moore whips his to the corner. Moore charges but Kidman hits a drop kick. Both men are down! Chioda counts only to 2 before they get back up. Kidman blocks a punch and lands one of his own. And again. Kidman is a veritable windmill of flying fists. Whip by Kidman into a back body drop. Off the ropes clothesline by Kidman for a 2-count. Eye poke by Moore but Kidman hits the X-Factor (sit-out power bomb). Kidman drags Moore to the corner and goes up for the Shooting Star press. He hits it and makes the cover.

WINNER: Billy K. at 4:08 (Patrick 4-0).

And yes, this match WAS on Velocity a few weeks ago. Flashback, February 22, 2003:
They circle each other. Collar and elbow tie up. Shannon ducks under and grabs a waist lock. Kidman reverses. Shannon elbows out of it and nails a forearm to Billy’s head. And another. Irish whip by Moore and he tries for a hip toss. Kidman blocks it and tries his own. Instead he flips over Shannon using his right foot over Shannon’s neck. Kidman hits the ropes for momentum and nails a head scissors take over. Shannon stumbles into a corner. Billy climbs him and hits 5 standing punches until Shannon dumps him across the top rope. Back suplex by Shannon and a cover for a 2-count. Shannon shoves Billy off the ropes and nails a forearm to his back. And again. Vertical suplex by Shannon for another 2-count. Shannon whips Billy back first into the turnbuckle. He then slams Billy’s back into it 4 more times and then just throws Billy down to the mat. Shannon grabs Billy’s hair and screams at him, “Version 1, Billy, version 1!” Shannon covers but Billy kicks out. Another quick cover by Shannon for a 1-count. And repeat. I love it when heels do the multiple cover bit. Billy, up to his knees, trades blows with Shannon. Snap mare by Shannon into a seated surfboard. Billy doesn’t submit. Billy, with backing from the crowd, works to his feet but Shannon sends him immediately into the corner. Shannon charges but Billy gets his boot up. Billy ducks a clothesline and hits one of his own. And another. Death valley driver by Billy into a back breaker. 2-count on Moore. Whip to the corner by Billy and he tries an off-the-rope clothesline but Shannon ducks it and hits a middle rope springboard heel kick for a 2-count. Vertical suplex attempt by Shannon but Billy cradles him up for a 2-count. Scoop slam by Shannon and he heads to the ropes but misses with a senton bomb. Billy hits a standing X-Factor and drags Shannon to the corner for the Shooting Star Press and the pin.

Show’s over folks, so let’s travel back in time to Monday night.

IN THE RAW
Once again I give you your hosts for this segment, Vince Merlo & George Brower IV.

GEORGE
Everything was great on RAW this past week. Rock letting Hurricane get the last word in their skit. Rock/Austin taking shape nicely. Jericho and HBK setting up their feud, and Booker getting the rub from Steiner as he heads to WM XIX. Then over on SmackDown comes word that Angel needs neck surgery and will be out for a year, like Edge. Now he will do one more match for next week and drop the belt to Lesnar, who needs a new program for WM XIX. With that said, WWE is again going after Goldberg. SmackDown is hurting.

VINCE
Just when it seemed like their past injury problems were behind them, too. Benoit’s been back for a while, Rhyno comes back . . . then Angle and Edge both go down (not to mention Orton and Batista as well). I would expect to see some guys jump from Monday to Thursday. This is why they need to build new stars from the mid-card instead of burying it. Think about it . . . how
great would RVD fit into Angle’s WM slot?

GEORGE
WWE has pulled the list of WM XIX matches from the WM website. I think there may be a complete reshuffle in light of what happened. Two biggest missed opportunities on Monday were both centered around the Book HHH confrontation at the top of the show. With Orton and Batista out you could have had Triple H look over his shoulder for his Evolution brothers, only to show Goldust on the screen over the two fallen members. Wouldn’t that send Goldy over the top? And then when Hunter said Booker T might not make it to WM because he had to face Steiner tonight, it should have been Booker reminding HHH who he beat for his fifth WCW Championship, and not a throw away mention by JR later in the show.
SmackDown needs a major heel to move into the Lesnar feud, and I do not see anyone ready to step up. RVD would not be a strong heel just yet. You’d have to build that first and there isn’t enough time. I was really looking forward to a good match with lots of amateur wrestling action between Kurt and Brock. With two weeks to go I see it like this; If Goldberg is signed, like many are saying, the WWE originally wanted Rock/Goldberg. With the Rattlesnakes return I see Goldberg/Austin as a bigger draw, leaving Hollywood Dwayne Johnson free for the Brock/Rock match up. The rest of the card can stay as is. I don’t have a match for Steiner, but then I don’t really care. He can do a run in to save Booker in that title match and then get punked out by a returning Kevin Nash. In the ensuing melee, both get injured and are forced to retire.

VINCE
RVD might have been a strong enough heel if they’d have actually been building toward something with him for the last year that he’s been INSANELY OVER, rather than letting Jean Paul Levesque bury him at every opportunity. Could his promos be any LESS . . . uhhh . . . promotional? I fidget through his “stick work” like a ridalin-laced 5 year old during a Sunday
Pentecostal sermon. That guy makes Steven Hawking sound like Al Pacino.
Kurt is one of the few shining stars WWE has, and even though Orton, Edge, Ryno, and Benoit’s injuries all hurt, none will be as harmful to the promotion as Angle’s. What Heyman said about Jake Roberts is certainly true here with Angle: he has “IT.” The guy’s a natural, and he was back on top, in a meaningful angle getting some guys over, and giving others the rub. It saddens me to think what might become of Team Angle now. Hindsight being 20/20 maybe WWE might have been better off with Rocky on SD, which, wouldn’t surprise me one bit now after WM. They really need some guys to step up, but NOBODY has the total package on that show like Angle. But, hey . . . the way the bookers have stifled the mid card talent over the last 2 years, they have no one to blame but themselves.
By the way, is it just me, or does the Steiner Recliner look less like a devastatingly injurious submission hold, and rather more like something your chiropractor would do to alleviate stress from your lower back area? Does Scotty feel that he’s too big of a star to squat down all the way and at least ATTEMPT to make the maneuver look a a submission hold? Whenever he goes to “lock in the recliner,” as it were, it looks to me less like he’s going to tie his opponent up in painful match-ending hold, and rather more like he’s about to squeeze out a steamy log on his opponent’s back. Maybe BPP should stand for Big Poppa Portalet. Maybe the Steiner Recliner should be re-christened the Cleveland Steamer/Pittsburgh Platter. At this point, I think the Iron Sheik would do a better job of making the move look more believable and harmful.
And finally, the ultimate dig: the Steiner Recliner makes the Walls of Jericho look painful. OUCH!

GEORGE
Big Poppa Poop?
I too am wondering what will become of Benjamin and Haas (who BTW had a good submission hold down in OVM called the Haas of Pain). Maybe Haymen can build something. This should come as no surprise, but Patrick and I used to attempt all the submission holds to see if any are painful (Yes, this is true –Patrick). Many of them can be. For instance, if you sit back on a Sharpshooter you can make a man scream. If you take the foot that goes through the figure four (as opposed to the one that goes over the opponent’s foot on the outside of the four) and place it on your opponent’s chest, it will feel like their leg is about to snap off. With the Walls of Jericho, you need to bend you opponent at the neck and stick your knee in their back while torquing on the legs to induce sufficient pain. The one move we could not get to hurt was the Torture Rack. We tried and tried and finally decided that we had no respect for anyone who ever submitted to Lex Luger.

WHAT THE HELL ELSE IS GOING ON?
What’s going on? What else is going on? Do you really want somewhere else to go? Then go here: MISTY MUNDAE. Yeah, that’s her. That’s the girl I met and am hopelessly in love with. No, she’s NOT 17… she just looks it. And I’ve already seen her naked.

-360 JAKKED
Last year this week…
1. Val Venis beat jobber Mike Anthony with the Venus Flytrap
2. Perry Saturn beat Paul London with a Death Valley Driver
3. Crash beat Eddie Kraven with the Acid Drop
…and we were only a week away from WrestleMania 18 at this point in time. Like Easter, WM always changes its date.

SHOUT IT OUT LOUD
Plenty of Birthdays to go around, so Happy Birthday to my cousins Wendy Riedel & Bridget Neville, to my Aunt MARIE LUCIANI and to the lovely KERRY SCHINDL SPURLOCK. So Kerry, which last name DO you use?

JUKEBOX
Last year at this time I was listening to:
JORDAN RUDESS Feeding The Wheel.
This year it’s:
RACER X Getting Heavier

OUT
Next week… well, I’m kinda tired of this whole Velocity thing, so let’s see if we can’t shake things up a bit…