Rolling Germans Review: Ring Of Honour 09/21/2002: Unscripted

RING OF HONOUR 09/21/2002: UNSCRIPTED

“Well shit Baisden, are you EVER going to review another show?” That’s a paraphrase but you can apply that line to a good twenty or thirty emails over the last couple of weeks. I always respond with the same thing “I’ll post one eventually.” Well eventually has come. Truth be told, I had started reviewing this show about two months ago. I got pretty far into it (tag tourney semi finals) but turned it off for some reason (bored? Probably bored. Doesn’t matter how good a tape is, IT’S TAPE. I CAN HIT PLAY LATER). Anyway, I resumed the show and ended up watching Siaki vs Omori and that was not what I needed to re-inspire me to watch the rest so it got turned off again. Today I come home from the gym and I’m pretty much dead, dug up out of my grave and revived (partying at my buddies University RULED but damn if I didn’t get like Ѕ hour of sleep over the weekend). I wasn’t doing SHIT today so I said “fuck, might as well watch this show before I forget about it again.”

I’m on the DVDVR exercise program right now. If you’re asking “what the fuck is that?” then you’re probably echoing every other reader of this review. Anyway, as part of my new diet/work out regimen, I work out five days per week, two hours per day. The DVDVR exercise plan consists of me printing out one DVDVR issue every day (in the computer labs because I’ll be fucking damned if I print out thirty pages of wrestling related shit on my printer) and reading that motherfucker for the hour long portion of my cardio work out. Let me tell ya folks, the DVDVR exercise program is BAD ASS and I recommend it to all people who do cardio but give up because they’re bored and have nothing to read. All you need is a bit of drive (in case the particular issue sucks balls), a school lab whose printer you can abuse, and at least an hour out of your day. This program can be supplemented with the Wrestling Observer Newsletter exercise program or the Pro Wrestling Torch Exercise Program (that program is only Ѕ hour because God knows you can’t read that thing any longer than Ѕ hour). BTW, this workout works. 25 pounds in 35 days baby. Oh yeah before I forget, you’ve got to you know… EAT RIGHT as well.

This review is brought to you by a bowl of Planters Dry Roasted Peanuts and a bottle of water. Fuck me if that’s not the most boring snack in the history of fatass sitting in a recliner (or couch for you lazy asses who like to lie there like a sloth) wrestling fan watching, but you do what you have to.

Oh before I forget, with my new HD installed (GOD I NEEDED THAT) I’ve got a small deposit of Dreamcast games sitting on my drive. If any of you are looking for Dreamcast wrestling games (or other stuff) then now is a good time to “acquire” some “back ups” from me. Usually I can’t stand “helping people who lost their original copies” because you’ve got to go through the whole pull off the disc and then re-burn and delete but the new HD cuts out Ѕ that problem and I’ve got a new set of blank discs so give me a hollar if you want some DC hook ups. Oh… no you don’t need to mod your Dreamcast. No you don’t need a boot disc. No you don’t need a game genie or whatever the fuck the equivalent is. They all run just like “your original copy you bought legit but lost.”

I’m not allowed to plug my supplier for these shows so just look up the earlier ROH reviews in the archives to track him down or you can just email me and I’ll give you the 411 (HORRIBLE PUN)

WE’RE LIVE FROM SOME PLACE THAT’S PROBABLY DAY CARE FOR THREE YEAR OLDS DURING THE WEEK.

We open up with Paul London all “Uh… I can’t enter a tag tournament without a partner.” THANK YOU GENIUS. Spanky was supposed to partner with him but WWE was all “yeah we’re going to need him to be a streaker in about six months so you can’t use him.” He finds American Dragon but Michael Shane comes down running his mouth so now London is going to fight Shane while Dragon (who wasn’t in the tourney to begin with) has to find a partner. WHAT THE FUCK?!

THE SPANISH ANNOUNCE TEAM vs THE PROPHECY (w/Simply Luscious) (ROH Tag Title Tournament – Quarter Finals)
Just in case someone is in the dark here; The Prophecy consists of Christopher Daniels and Donovan Morgan. Don’t you just hate tournament brackets where you can take one look at them and go “Uh huh… yeah it’ll be those two in the end” and you have ZERO doubt in your mind? Prophecy attack but The SAT’s come back with wacky shit including a Boston Crab – Camel Clutch combo. SICK! We settle down with Joel hitting Morgan with a Northern Lights Suplex for 2 and Ѕ. Daniels gets in a tag and The Prophecy use NEFARIOUS CHEATING! Prophecy looks to double team but no dice and Joel hits a Double Clothesline. Jose’s in and it breaks down with the SAT’s going on the attack hitting Morgan with a MOTHERFUCKING DOOMSDAY DDT! 1… 2… 2.DANIELS SAVES! Stuff happens, the illegal man becomes legal and then not legal again and the SAT’s get screwed (what a surprise) after Daniels hits an Enzugiri and Morgan puts Jose away with The Sayonara. This had a really quick pace with solid work from both teams. Just a bunch of pretty moves with some good heat. **

MOTHERFUCKING DICK TOGO and Ikuto Hidaka say stuff that I don’t understand (well DUH) but the Christopher Street Connection (with Japanese Pool Boy for some reason) are all “ooohhh… we want to suck you’s guys dicks off.” The Puro BAD ASSES have none of that shit and yell at them to get the fuck out of there.

THE FAR EAST CONNECTION vs TONY MAMALUKE/JAMES MARITATO (ROH Tag Title Tournament – Quarter Finals)
Jesus almighty, Togo’s on the DVDVR Exercise Program too. HE LOST LIKE A BILLION POUNDS! I don’t even know if can refer to him as MOTHERFUCKING anymore without all the bulk that made him famous (his great wrestling skill helped a bit too). Hidaka and Maritato WORK THE MAT… version 1 and we all love it. Mamaluke and Togo WORK THE MAT… version 2 and we all love it more than version 1. Maritato gets back in there but the FEC smoke him out with double teams. Mamaluke tags and fires off a Dragon Screw followd up with The Sicillian Crab. NICE! He keeps it coming with a Slingshot Guillotine Legdrop. The former FBI bring the pain with a Double Wakigatame and Maritato segues that into a Jujigatame and GOD DO I LOVE THIS! Fast Forward to Hidaka finally getting some offense as he hits a HUGE Sit Out Powerbomb on Mamaluke. Both teams tag and Togo hits a DDT and a Rolling Neck Snap on Mamaluke but Maritato saves at 2 and ѕ. Maritato gets tied up and that gives Togo the chance to hit the Double Underhook Piledriver and puts it away with The NOT SO FAT ASS SENTON! This was a really good match. The crowd LOVES Togo and I definitely share in their love of his greatness. The mat work RULED IT and everything after that was good – great. **3/4

Maritato is all “WE’RE NOT COMEDY DAMN IT” while Mamluke is all “Look at me, I’m so funny” (OK so he doesn’t really say that). Anyway, they make amends but IT’S A SWERVE as Mamaluke gets in a cheap Belly to Belly and we have an impromptu match.

TONY MAMALUKE vs JAMES MARITATO
We end up brawling outside and Mamaluke offers his back to the railing gods. Maritato looks for a bell shot but that obviously doesn’t work and he gets busted open. Back in the ring and Mamaluke FUCKING DRILLS HIM with a Backdrop Suplex for 2 and Ѕ. Maritato rebounds off an Irish Whip into a Double Leg Cradle for 2 and Ѕ. Second Rope Dropkick gets 2 and ѕ. Maritato bitches and moans about the count so Mamaluke uses the pinnacle of technical wrestling, PUNCH IN THE COCK and a schoolboy for the cheap victory. Um… this… didn’t… suck? We’ll be nice and go * but odds are I’m heavily overrating it.

Maritato blah blah blah’s about wanting revenge so we set up a match for next month. If Maritato wins then the FBI gimmick officially dies but if he loses then he has to use the gimmick forever.

American Dragon is all “why am I even in this tournament?” so Michael Modest (complete with crazy look on his face) offers his services. OH BABY!

DIVINE STORM vs AMERICAN DRAGON/MICHAEL MODEST (ROH Tag Title Tournament – Quarter Finals)
We bring the flip flop until Modest tags in and FUCKING KILLS Divine with forearms. Divine comes back with a Tilt A Whirl Legsweep and a Brainbuster but gets cut off as he climbs the ropes and Modest hits a Super Fisherman’s Buster for the victory. Um… this was about as good as it was going to get considering how much time it got. *3/4

The Carnage Crew beat up a bunch of pussyfoot ring boys because they’re not good enough to enter the tag tournament. OOOHHH… RING BOYS! THEY’RE SOOOOOO BAD ASS! Whatever…

DA HIT SQUAD vs THE NATURAL BORN SINNERS (ROH Tag Title Tournament – Quarter Finals)
TCC beat the shit out of NBS before the match started and then beat the shit out of DHS here. Um… no match?

THE FAR EAST CONNECTION vs THE PROPHECY (ROH Tag Title Tournament – Semi Finals)
This is the match I was most looking forward to. Daniels has worked both guys a fair bit in Japan while Morgan is an all around good wrestler who primarily works in Japan so we don’t have to worry about native vs gaijin (backwards I guess) communication problems. Basic wrestling to start until The Prophecy use NEFARIOUS CHEATING but Hidaka comes back with a Spin Wheel Kick on Daniels. DDT gets 2 and Ѕ. Waistlock Suplex gets 2 and Ѕ. Morgan distracts the ref and Daniels uses POWER OF THE COCK PUNCH to turn the tide and make the tag. Prophecy double teaming leads to a Double Hip Toss into an Elbow-Legdrop combo for 2 and ѕ. Ropeflip Moonsault gets 2 and ѕ. Hidaka is thrown into the ropes but he rebounds with a Leaping… swinging… D D T! I LOVE THAT MOVE! TAG MOTHERFUCKING TOGO! Split Legged Facejam and Tornado DDT gets 2 and ѕ. He looks for a Suplex but that’s blocked and Morgan hits Locomotion Suplexes into THE GOLDEN GATE SWING! 1… 2… 2.HIDAKA SAVES! Slam by Hidaka and the NOT SO FAT ASS SENTON! 1… 2… 2.DANIELS SAVES! Both teams tag but Daniels is the first on offense with THE ANGELS WINGS! 1… 2… 2.999999! TRIPLE JUMP MOONSAULT! 1… 2… 2.TOGO SAVES! Daniels charges but eats boot and Hidaka hits a FUCKING TORNADO TARANTULA! GERMAN SUPLEX! 1… 2… 2.999999! SPLIT LEGGED CAPTURE BOMB (HOLY FUCK)! 1… 2… 2.MORGAN SAVES! Daniels reverses an Irish whip and hits THE STO! MORGAN’S HOLDING THE FOOT! CHEAT 2 WIN (copyright Grandma Guerrero 2003, all rights reserved). This kicked all kinds of ass. The crowd was totally into this from start to finish, as they’re all huge Togo fan boys and FUCKING HATE The Prophecy. The first half was rock solid and the second half was hell on wheels M Pro near fall crazyness that whipped the crowd into a frenzy. Great stuff. ***1/2

Post match has Togo challenging Daniels to a match next month. Daniels has none of that shit and tells him he’s got to go through Doug Williams (who also wants a shot at Daniels next month) and the winner will face him later in the night. The catch is if Daniels wins then either Togo or Williams can never shake hands again. If Daniels loses to either man, he has to follow the code of honour. I can’t believe they have viable feuds over whether they can cheat or not.

MARCOS/DUNN vs PRINCE NANA/ALEX ARION
Nana is still feeling the effects of Low Ki’s kick from back in July and is wearing protective head gear. He says that he’s not cleared to wrestle yet and Arion will wrestle Dunn in a singles match. O… K.

DUNN vs ALEX ARION
This is squash city as he hits some basic offense leading to a Superfly Splash for an Arion victory. Today’s DUD was brought to you by these two guys.

Nana tells Arion he can now be his servant, so of course he gets decked in the head. Here comes The Christopher Street Connection with hugs and kisses for Nana. RUN HOMOPHOBE! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! Alexis Laree hits the ring and cleans house on everyone leading to a Tornado DDT for Japanese Pool Boy. In case you’re wondering or just plain forgot, Laree was humiliated by the CSC a couple of months back as she was branded (aka spanked on her sweet sweet ass) by Allison Danger and this was payback.

XAVIER vs LOW KI (ROH Title)
Simple backstory going into this match. Back in June, Xavier told Low Ki that he wanted the first shot at the title if Ki won the four way next month. Ki went over and Xavier wanted his match but Ki said that he’s already got a match with Styles (match is bad ass, go get it) and that Xavier could have his shot this month. Ah logical progression, where are you in every other fed? Feel out process to start and they FUCKING STIFF EACH OTHER! NICE! Ki goes on the attack with a slam – Power Drive Elbow and BRINGS THE STIFFNESS! He telegraphs a backdrop and Xavier goes to work with Grandpa’s Piggyback of Fun into a Facejam for 2 and Ѕ. Muai Thai knees get 2 and Ѕ. He looks for The X-Breaker but Ki blocks and hits a Koppo Kick. CUE THE STIFFNESS! Bridged Vertical Suplex gets 2 and Ѕ. Missed Lariat leads to an Xavier Turnbuckle Powerbomb (WHOA… Kobashi that shit) and goes into a Bridged Butterfly Lock for 2 and ѕ. We head out but Ki goes back on offense with more stiffness. Top Rope Elbow gets 2 and ѕ. CUE THE BOTCHED STUFF! Xavier is SOOOOO GASSED and is dragging this down a few hundred notches. Ki goes on the attack with The Dragon Clutch but gets dropped for 2 and ѕ. Xavier looks for a Pumphandle Slam but Ki slips out and looks for The Matrix but that’s ducked and Xavier hits a Split Legged Facejam for 2 and ѕ. Xavier goes to work on the knee and tries for The 450 Splash but no dice and Ki goes for The Ki Crusher ’99 but Daniels shows up and Ki gets distracted. Xavier takes advantage with a chop block to the worked leg and uses NEFAROUS CHEATING as he slams one of the cement pillars that hold up the railing into Ki’s abdomen (Um… doesn’t this match follow Code Of Honour rules?). Ki’s pretty much dead on the floor coughing up blood and this overbooking is FUCKING HORRIBLE! Ki literally spends a good three minutes crawling back to the ring (do you have any idea how much of eternity three minutes of watching someone crawl is?) and Xavier puts it away with the 450. FUCK THIS ENDING SUCKED! THIS MATCH WAS TWENTY SIX FUCKING MINUTES! This was just fine until about the twelve – fifteen minute mark and it’s AAALLLLLL DOWNHILL after that. Ki carried the whole thing and I’m really disappointed in Xavier; a worker that I used to look forward to watching. Absolutely brutal ending to a halfway decent match. *1/2

Post match has Xavier join up with The Prophecy as they stand over Ki and drape him in the ROH banner. The angle is great but the means to get there with that title match was beyond horrible.

TAKAO OMORI vs SONNY SIAKI
One of the biggest gripes you tend to get from ROH fans is that their shows run WAAAAAAY too long and it’s shit like this along with Marcos & Dunn turning into a singles match, which turns into a squash, which turns into a makeout session, which turns into one woman beating four people that drag shows out. We get some chain wrestling to start until The Siaki WORKS THE MAT! Omori comes back with NOAH STIFFNESS and hits a Piledriver for 2 and ѕ. Omori charges but eats a BIG TIME LARIAT for 2 and ѕ. Flying Neckbreaker gets 2 and ѕ. Omori comes back with a Flying Heel Kick and a NO LOOK REVERSE TOMBSTONE! WHY IS THAT NECESSARY IN A FIVE MINUTE MATCH!? DAMN IT! Omori carried Siaki through the whole thing. At least this didn’t suck or leave a bad taste in my mouth like the last match. *1/2

CM Punk hits the ring and yaps about how great ROH is for having actual wrestling. Then his arch nemesis (and sometimes tag partner) Colt Cabana gets in on the action and bitches about not being booked in this fed while Punk is. Looks like yet another feud is about to heat up and I can’t say as I mind considering these two always tear the house down (find some of their mid west stuff, it’s all good).

Mark Briscoe offers Red his managerial services before he goes into action against Jay but Red politely turns down the offer with a kick to the chin.

JAY BRISCOE vs THE AMAZING RED
This is a re-match from the first show where Red went over. Briscoe kind of has this losing streak thing going on (outside of his win over Maritato in April) and has vowed never to lose in Ring Of Honour again. O… K, here we go. Flip flop leads to Red hitting a Tilt A Whirl Reverse DDT (WOW!) for 2 and Ѕ. He charges but eats a BIG TIME lariat and Briscoe goes after the leg. A missed lariat leads to Red hitting a Hurricane Kick and an STO Driver (Shit, that’s a new one) for 2 and ѕ. He looks for a Swanton Bomb but that misses and Briscoe FUCKING DRILLS HIM with a Mafia Kick for 2 and ѕ. Briscoe heads up but Red cuts him off with another Hurricane Kick and follows up with a HOLY SHIT SUPER CODE RED! RED STAR PRESS! 1… 2… 2.999999! CODE RED! REVERSED! BUCKWILDBOMB THAT WOULD MAKE BENOIT JEALOUS! JAY DRILLER! IT’S OVER! Holy shit, that ending was through the roof awesome. They pretty much nuked the crowd coming down the stretch. Really good work from from start to finish. There was a portion outside that was a tad slow but everything else flowed very nicely and the ending was great. **1/2

Special K (just Elax and Dixie) hit the ring and beat down Red but The SAT make the save. Then the huge black guy from the July show hits the ring and takes out the ref with some kind of weird Cutter variation. The best part is when he’s done he just walks back to his spot against the wall and watches the rest of the show. WORST… SECURITY… EVER!

MICHAEL SHANE vs PAUL LONDON (Street Fight)
OK folks, I’m going to give you the backstory because this is probably the longest running feud in the fed outside of Ki vs Daniels. Shane wants to be known as The Showstopper due to his blood relation to Shawn Michaels (is that legit?) but can’t take the name due to Spanky having it. Chris Marvel accidentally broke his ankle catching Paul London off a Quebrada in March. Shane went over London in April during the TWA Gauntlet Match but lost to Spanky in the next round so no Showstopper name yet. Then in July, London and Shane each got a pin over their respective tag partners with Shane’s pin being the one that the referee saw. The next month they went 1 on 1 with Shane pretending to have broken his ankle (you think I threw that in there for no reason?) and stupid London (being the natural nice guy face) falling for it leading to a roll up victory for Shane. Then to add insult to injury he Superkicked Rudy Boy (London’s trainer) after the match and beat the shit out of London just for shits and giggles. Shane ran his mouth earlier (I know this review is long so you might have to scroll back up to remember) and now we get a street fight to finally put this feud to rest. London FUCKS HIM UP to start until they go into a bunch of reversals leading to Shane FUCKING KILLING London with a Spear when he tried to skin the cat. The subsequent falling on his head was not pretty. Shane sets up a table but takes too long and London beats him down and throws him back in only to grab a chair and have Shane hit a FUCKING SOMERSAULT VAN PLANCHINATOR (yes that is the single most stupid name I’ve ever come up with). LONDON IS FUCKED! Shane works him over and sets up a chair between the ropes but that obviously doesn’t work and Shane is thrown into the chair to the floor. SHANE HITS A FUCKING GUSHER! More brawling outside leads to London hitting a VAN LONDONATOR (OK, THAT was the stupidest name I’ve ever come up with) and we head back in for back and forth until London hits a Springboard Headscissors sending Shane through the ropes and THROUGH THE TABLE! SHANE IS FUCKED! London gets a MEGA LADDER, props it up against the turnbuckle and hits a CLIMBING LADDER SOMERSAULT PLANCHA! HOLY FUCKING SHIT! London sets up the smaller ladder and looks for a Leapfrog Rana but Shane reverses into the YOU ARE SO DEAD SIT OUT POWERBOMB! 1… 2… 2 AND 9/10! THIS CROWD IS NUKED! PICTURE PERFECT ELBOW! 1… 2… 2.999999! He looks for a Bicycle Kick but that’s ducked and London hits a Superkick followed up with THE SHOOTING STAR PRESS! 1… 2… 2.999999! London sets up the mega ladder but Shane throws him off and hits THE FIFTY FOOT DROP OF DEATH PICTURE PERFECT ELBOW! 1… 2… 2.999999! HOW IS THIS NOT OVER!? Shane looks for another elbow but London hits a Moonsault Kick and heads up the ladder again. NO WAY… NO FUCKING WAY! THE FIFTY FOOT DROP OF DEATH SHOOTING STAR PRESS! FUCK OF COURSE IT’S OVER! THIS WAS INSAAAAANE! The fighting, the bleeding, the YOU’RE FUCKED spots, the super crowd, the tallest ladder an indy show will ever have and we can’t forget the FUCKING HATE! YOU MUST SEE THIS! ****1/4

The crowd deservedly gives both guys a standing ovation and they embrace in the ring putting an end to the feud but IT’S A SWERVE! Shane beats the shit out of London. AHAHAHA! Shane = Greatness. He challenges London and Spanky (who isn’t there) to a three way match next month for the title of “Showstopper.”

Earlier today, Morgan offered Modest a chance to join the prophecy and avoid a tag match (which totally kills the whole Modest just happened to be there to partner with Dragon thing they had going). Modest obviously declined so they ended up “having words” (aka Modest decking Morgan).

THE PROPHECY vs AMERICAN DRAGON/MICHAEL MODEST (ROH Tag Title Tournament Finals)
In case you were wondering where the other semi final match went, it never happened. With DHS and NBS both smoked out by TCC, Dragon & Modest got a bye into the finals. Basic stuff from both teams to start leading to The Prophecy working Dragon’s left leg for a good five minutes. He makes the comeback off a Chancery Suplex and makes the tag. Modest BRINGS THE STIFFNESS and hits a Handstand Rana followed up with a Diving Headbutt on Morgan for 2 and Ѕ. It breaks down with Modest and Morgan brawling outside with Daniels hitting his trademark Ropeflip Quebrada on both guys and then Dragon hits a Tope Suicida on Daniels but lands with his knee on the floor. PSYCHOLOGY THAT SHIT DOWN! Back in the ring and Modest this a Uranage on Daniels for 2 and ѕ. Modest hits THE SUPER FISHERMAN’S BUSTER! 1… 2… 2.MORGAN SAVES! Morgan tags and hits THE GOLDEN GATE SWING! 1… 2… 2 AND 9/10! He charges but Modest hits the BIG TIME LARIAT and tags Dragon. He looks for The Dragon Suplex but that’s blocked so he switches into that FUCKING INSANE CRADLE SUPLEX OF OUTRIGHT DEATH! 1… 2… 2.999999! CATTLE MUTILATION WITH ONE LEG! DRAGON OWNS! Daniels saves so Dragon looks for a Top Rope Frankensteiner but Morgan reverses into a SUPER RYDEEN BOMB and Daniels comes out of nowhere with THE TRIPLE JUMP MOONSAULT! 1… 2… 2.999999! Daniels tags in and hits BLUE THUNDER! 1… 2… 2.999999! Dragon comes back with an Enzugiri and looks for the Super Backdrop Suplex but Morgan CHEATS 2 WIN (copyright Grandma Guerrero 2003, all rights reserved) letting Daniels REVERSE IN MID AIR! COVER! 1… 2… 2.DRAGON BRIDGES OUT! BUT NO! LAST RITES! IT’S OVER! What a surprise, this was another great match. This was more the kind of tag match I like with some flash to start and then a bit of story with Dragon’s knee taking center stage leading to the big stuff down the stretch. The work was great but the crowd was totally drained. This was like a four hour show and no matter how good a show is, you’re going to be tired of it after that length of time. But still, a great match and a suitable end to the tournament. ***1/4

Dragon & Modest show they’re a bunch of sore losers destroying the tag title trophy (Um… belts? Where are the belts?). The Prophecy cut a promo backstage and Daniels goes on about why ROH isn’t Japan (where they like trophies) and WHERE ARE THE DAMNED BELTS?! Anyway, The Prophecy controls all the titles now so they’re not giving jack shit in terms of title defences to ROH. They set up Xavier vs Jay Briscoe (non title obviously) along with the aforementioned Daniels vs Togo/Williams.

Final Analysis: I was left a bit torn on this show. There are a few matches that were really good with that ladder match just blowing me away. But there is A TON OF CRAP (Ki vs Xavier is absolutely unacceptable) mixed in with the few high points. You basically get this show for the tag tournament and the ladder match (which were all very good – great). The rest of it is pretty much throwaway so get acquainted with your Fast Forward button. Read the ratings again and know that you’re taking your chances because I’m only mildly recommending Ring Of Honour: Unscripted.

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