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Anaconda Review
Image Credit: Sony Pictures Entertainment
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Directed By: Tom Gormican
Written By: Tom Gormican and Kevin Etten
Runtime: 96 minutes
MPA Rating: Rated PG-13 for violence/action, strong language, some drug use, and suggestive references.
Jack Black – Doug McCallister
Paul Rudd – Ronald “Griff” Griffin Jr.
Thandiwe Newton – Claire Simons
Steve Zahn – Kenny Trent
Daniela Melchior – Ana Almeida
Selton Mello – Santiago Braga
Ice Cube – Himself
The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent director, Tom Gormican, dusts the slithery, scaly Anaconda franchise off the shelf for a new quasi-reboot/parody. Regrettably, despite previously demonstrating a knack for meta, self-referential comedy, Gormican and co-writer Kevin Etten can’t quite pull it together for this laborious, underwhelming, unappealingly, and uneven comedic romp.
Rather than a genuine legacy sequel — because let’s be honest, an Anaconda legacy sequel in this day and age would’ve been utterly absurd — Anaconda takes place in a world where the 1997 movie was just that. It was also a longtime favorite of a friend group of middle-aged adults who used to love filming homemade, goofy horror movies together in their middle school days.
Unfortunately, decades later, Doug McCallister (Black) is wallowing away in his hometown of Buffalo, making high-brow wedding videos for couples. His best childhood friend, Griff (Rudd), is a two-bit working actor in Hollywood, and he cannot even hold down a featured extra role in a medical drama. Their old friend Claire (Newton) is newly divorced, and Kenny (Zahn) is struggling to maintain his grip on Buffalo sobriety. After the group reunites for Doug’s birthday, Griff pitches them an idea: reunite the friend group to make their own reboot of Anaconda in the Brazilian jungles, low-budget and guerrilla style.
Doug is initially reluctant to deviate from his “B-B+ lifestyle,” but soon he accepts the hero’s call and joins his friends for a jaunt to Brazil to fulfill his lifelong dream of making a movie with his buddies. The trip to the jungle brings the quartet in contact with a real giant anaconda, whose habitat has been disturbed by illegal gold miners. After dreaming of making a horror movie together for years, the old friends inexplicably find themselves in the middle of one.
The original Anaconda movie was never a sacred text or a horror masterpiece that was above ridicule, but at the time, it was an entertaining B-movie-style creature feature with some cutting-edge digital effects, along with some strong practical visual effects work. There has already been a stream of low-quality, subpar sequels to the original over the years, with only the second installment, Anacondas, making it into theaters. Gormican’s comedic parody/reboot never rises to the level of cleverness as the movie claims.
The movie is not without its chuckle-worthy moments and amusing characters. Jack Black brings a somewhat likable everyman quality to Doug McCallister, which is more than can be said for his old buddy Griff.
Paul Rudd’s typical schtick and pathetically earnest, affable dimwit persona utterly fail here. Rudd’s usual traits that have served as his selling points, and likely netted him millions for decades, become utterly tiresome in this film.
Griff comes off as utterly unlikable, and he never properly redeems himself over the course of the narrative. Not only does he convince his friends to make a movie based on utter twaddle, but he also does something quite shockingly gross and extremely off-putting in the movie.
The moment is meant to be comedic for its utter shock value and outrageousness, but it only succeeds in making Griff appear as more of an unlikable dolt. Even early in the movie, when Griff gets fired from a two-bit acting role on a medical drama, it’s due to his own moronic incompetence. That level of incompetence is not always endearing, and instead, Rudd comes off as more of a willful doofus, who later purposefully misleads his friends, landing them in a situation that threatens their very lives.
Selton Mello delivers the best and most comedically gifted performance in the movie, portraying the production’s eccentric snake handler, Santiago, who seems to possess a weird bond with his pet snake. Unfortunately, the plot jettisons Santiago far too quickly.
Gormican and Etten go heavy on the gags, but few of them naturally hit. The movie takes considerable time to overplay certain gags, such as when Doug gets bitten by a toxic jungle spider, so one of the gang has to pee on him to nullify the poison. Kenny is the only one who can, but he gets stage fright when he urinates. Therefore, the movie then spends several minutes depicting this scene, considering that is not even the correct method of treating Doug’s spider bite.
The best and funniest sequence in the movie finds the group being chased by the titular snake across an open field. However, Doug must flee while a seemingly dead boar is taped across his back. The sequence works due to Black’s gift for physical comedy and sheer charisma. That scene looked funny, but the rest of the movie never matches that level of humor.
Anaconda also suffers from a rough and lackadaisical second act. Obviously, Griff persuades his friends to make the movie on a pack of lies that’s destined to unravel. And in the middle section of the movie, the friends discover that Sony Pictures is making its own genuine reboot of Anaconda in the same jungle.
The plot only grows flimsier and more contrived from there. Anaconda does not purport itself to be a smart high-brow comedy, but when the other Anaconda reboot comes into the picture, the story goes off the rails.
As a horror-comedy mash-up, Anaconda brings little to the table. The giant snake comes off as mere set dressing and is incidental to the story. The snake does not appear as an integral part of the narrative, and it never truly ascends to movie stardom.
Gormican directs the snake sequences with some odd, mistimed cuts and continuity. It’s also difficult to accept the snake as a legitimate threat when it rarely seems to finish the job. Important characters get swallowed and regurgitated later with nary a scratch, not even partially digested.
Gormican and Etten do not accurately depict how and why these things happen, so when an important character inexplicably survives getting devoured by the titular anaconda, it’s hard to cheer and be happy about it. Once again, the editing in the movie looks choppy, and the continuity becomes disjointed, as if important narrative beats or clarifying lines of dialogue are missing.
For all its faults, Anaconda fails most at being funny. The movie tries to position itself as a clever parody riffing on Hollywood’s IP obsession, but instead, pathetically falls flat on its face, rather than delivering strong, genuine laughs.
Where To Watch Anaconda
Anaconda hits theaters on Christmas Day. Ticket and showtime details are available at the movie’s website.
