411 Video Review: The Best Of Wrestling Slams

Back again with more. And in my attempt to try to find SOMETHING that hasn’t already been reviewed here (which of course gets more difficult when a certain reviewer posts about twenty of his old reviews every week), I have come up with this. A tape from the good people at Sterling Video who dug up some old footage of some of today’s bigger stars back when they were green.

Let me also add before I go any further that the Bischoff return on RAW was the first “Holy Sh!t” moment I’ve had since the ECW Invasion last year. And you all know how well that turned out. Of course, by the time this column sees the light of day, Bischoff’s run should be about over anyways. (Not that I’m not grateful to the fine people of 411 for giving me this space.)

By the way, an easy way to tell if a tape was dubbed badly? If the box itself suggests that you adjust the tracking manually.

This is Volume II in the series. Volume One was the Stone Cold retrospective which I thought was a pretty good tape if only to highlight the Chris Adams / Steve Austin feud of 1990, the first example I saw as a child of a guy punking out a female in an angle which I found disturbing back in the day.

Match #1

Lightning Kid vs. Dapper Dan

This is Global circa 1991 or 1992, I’m not exactly sure. Kid is 1-2-3 Kid, aka Syxx aka X-Pac aka sitting at home collecting a paycheck like all his other Kliq buddies. Sure, everybody hates X-Pac now, but the 1-2-3 Kid was one of the greatest characters ever. A jobber who got a fluke win, and then kept getting fluke wins with the catch being that he actually was incredibly talented, so that by losing to him it wasn’t THAT big of a deal. Naturally, Vince ran the angle into the ground with much less talented people (Barry Horowitz, P.J. (Justin Credible)Walker, Duke Droese), but still, Kid’s upset win over Razor Ramon on RAW remains one of the most memorable in that show’s history. Anyways, Dapper Dan is some guy I’ve never heard of but does sport the two things every Global jobber must have, tasseled tights and a mullet. Dan mops the floor with Kid initially with a clothesline and a slam. He monkeyflips Kid over, and this must really be an early Waltman match because it looks like Dan’s leading the way, instructionwise. Dan misses a dropkick and the Kid takes control with chops. He dropkicks Dan in the corner as I notice two lightning bolts painted on Kid’s head. Another wrestling rule: ANYTHING painted on the side of your head looks gay. Kid does his spin kick, and then proceeds to do his karate kid imitation, but ends up screwing it up. Perfect-plex gets two. Yeah, I know, it’s a fisherman suplex, but Perfectplex sounds better. He drops a leg, and then misses an early form of the bronco-buster. Dan misses a clothesline and the Kid hits a bodypress for two. Dan gets dumped to the floor and the Kid hits a somersault plancha which turns into a clothesline which looked rather dangerous. First, because Dan ducked so that the Kid landed on Dan’s back, and second, when the Kid snuck his arm in for the clothesline, Dan’s head bounced off the floor. Literally. Dan regains himself as they both go back in the ring. Dan tries a hurricarana but the Kid powerbombs him for the three. Not exactly a great example of early Waltman, as there was only one really risky move done. Typical Saturday afternoon squash fare. Nothing harmful.

Match #2

Crash vs. Doink the Clown

Not Crash Holly and not Crash the Terminator, but Hugh Morrus. This is from one of several groups who called themselves the ICW, though I’m almost positive this has no relation to the Savage or Salvodi organizations. This is supposed to be from 1995, so as such I have NO idea which incarnation of Doink this is. Actually his ring name is “The Funny Clown” which seems a little redundant. Or an oxymoron, I’m not sure. The Funny Clown chases Crash’s long-haired manager around the ring, so Crash clotheslines him to start the match. He clotheslines him in the corner so hard that his clown wig starts to fall off. This could be the Matt Borne incarnate, the hair seems about right. Crash hits a third clothesline. All the while the commentators brag about what a moveset Crash has. So Crash slams the Funny Clown and hits his moonsault, and being that it’s Hugh Morrus, he misses, so that his head grazing the Funny Clown’s side. So he hits a second one, and blows it again. I guess his head is supposed to barely make contact like that. He goes for a third one, but Koko B. Ware comes out (a guy who I almost felt sadder for than Jake in “Beyond the Mat”) and tells Crash to back off. So he does. DUD. Three unique moves in three minutes does not a watchable match make.

Match #3

“Cowboy” Bob Orton vs. Tom Lively (?)

Well, that takes care of the future star notion. This I believe is the extremely short-lived NAWA, and the jobber guy is a dead ringer for a Latino Rick Rude circa 1989. The permed hair, the tights, everything, just like the Ravishing one. And on commentary is the late John Studd. Orton starts with a modified uranage to start things and goes to a headscissors. Orton is criticized for “taking too long to finish an opponent” by the commentators. Nice double-underhook suplex for a 2. Back to the headscissors, and the arena is dead silent. Orton drops a knee to the head and locks on a headlock, but Lively breaks out and Orton backs off. Orton gets three shouldertackles and hits a good stomachbreaker. He drapes his head out and drops a vicious elbow. In the audience is Ricky and Bonnie Steamboat, so I’m guessing this is 90 or so. Orton punches Lively in the face. Lively hits a dropkick but Orton decides not to sell it and kicks Tom in the head. Orton continues to punch Tom in the face and his nose starts bleeding. Orton keeps punching him in the face as the nose starts to swell. He knees Tom in the back, and Orton hits the superplex. Nobody did it better than Bob and it gets three. The potatoing of a rookie gets a few points, as Tom got his ass seriously kicked.

Match #4

Baron Samede vs. Lynn Wagonner

I have no idea if the spelling is correct, but the Baron is the king of gimmick changes, Charles Wright aka Soultaker aka Papa Shango aka Kama aka Kama Mustafa aka Godfather aka Goodfather aka Gangsta Godfather. Hell, I’d never heard of this incarnation which is basically Kama with a mohawk. He’s even still wearing Soultaker tights, so he’s obviously in mid-gimmick change. Baron is managed by Bob Orton. Joining us for commentary is Paul Jones. Baron no-sells everything and punches away. He splashes Lynn in the corner. Lynn fights back but a quick headbutt takes him down. He drops a huge leg, and hits a flying clothesline. He wrenches the neck. He hits a screaming side slam for 2, only because he pulls him up. Big boot to the face but he pulls him up again. Back to the neckwrench, and the crowd chants “Steamboat.” God, even Steamboat couldn’t carry this guy. Baron gets distracted and Lynn fights back. Baron blows a dropkick, and Lynn takes over, but it’s temporary. He hits a suplex and pulls him up again. He goes for the big stiff’s favorite finisher, the full nelson for the submission. * just for making it go longer than it should have.

Match #5

Chris Chavis vs. Dr. X

This match is raising money for some high school’s junior prom. That is not something to brag about. This is the SAW, and Chavis later became Tatanka, an early guilty pleasure of mine, yeah, he was a big stiff, but he actually had some pretty good matches in his day. That was of course before Ludvig Borga squashed him in what remains one of the most humiliating losses I’ve ever seen. (Borga destroyed Tatanka and pinned him with one finger. His career never recovered.) Chavis hits several press slams and a dropkick, and man, the fans are going crazy for him. Big powerslam leading to a front facelock, and dear God, the commentator does an inadvertent impression of Vince’s laugh (Ah Ha Ha HAAAAAAAA) Chavis screws up a backdrop, so X punches him and gets a headbutt. An eyerake to the ropes, but misses a charge to the corner. Chavis hits another powerslam and hits the Samoan drop for 3. 1/2*.

Match #6

Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat vs. Johnny Z

Steamboat comes out to Alan Parsons, my personal favorite entrance theme. Z applies a headlock, and then blows a leapfrog by falling down (ala Stasiak) so Steamboat slams him. Stalling suplex and then a belly to back with great commentary: “Steamboat…..with a spinebreaker…….spinebreaker? No? (pauses to think of what a belly to back is) Well, I thought it was a spinebreaker.” Steamboat with the biggest oversell of his career as he ducks his head for a backdrop so Z drops an elbow and Steamboat manages to scream, fall backwards about ten feet, and manages to fall out of the ring. Man, he would have been great in a Royal Rumble. You know, if I was a wrestler, and somebody sold like that for me, I’d take it as sarcasm. Z suplexes Steamboat in for 2. He hits a belly to back aka “Nice maneuver.” He goes for a splash but Steamboat brings up the knees. Big chop from the Dragon followed by a slam. He goes for the bodypress but Z forgets to turn around so Steamboat jumps while Z’s still acting dazed so that when he does turn around, he gets WAFFLED in the face by Steamboat’s body. Steamboat actually shakes his head in disappointment while the three is counted. Oh, that ending saved it. Though there are no bad Steamboat matches. And by the way, the next time you guys criticize McMahon for not pushing Benoit, always remember, Steamboat got absolutely shit on by Vince back in the day, ESPECIALLY the 1991 run.

Match #7

The Nasty Boys vs. Rusty Stevens and Rick Starr

The Nasties had one career making match with the Steiners in 1990, and pretty much rode the rest of their careers off of it. Truth. The ring announcer says they’re from “Allentown, Pennsylvania” and the brainiac commentator (John Studd) says “That’s wrong. They’re not from New York City, they’re from Allentown.” Yeah. By the way, speaking of bad commentating, they showed Bischoff’s audition on Confidential, and yeah, I wouldn’t have hired him either. How can the WWE have twelve year-old DEMO TAPES, and yet they STILL can’t seem to come up with enough good stuff for a freakin’ DVD? What I’ve said is infinitely better than what I’m watching which are the Nasties telling the fans to shut up, which seems to be working because nobody’s saying anything. The Nasty Boys are the “Detroit Pistons” of wrestling. Saggs gets a nasty hammerlock on Starr into a nasty leglock which turns into a nasty headlock. Even the commentators are surprised that they’re wrestling and not brawling. Starr gets a hammerlock and Saggs bails. Back in and Saggs starts punching away. Starr gets a hiptoss into an armdrag takedown. Stevens tags in and gets another armdrag takedown. Knobbs tags in and gets caught in the same hold and Rusty won’t let go. Studd can’t believe how little offense the Nasties are getting. Finally, Brian knees him in the face to get control. Saggs back in with a sideslam. “What was that called, Big John?” Studd: “Uh…..some kind of side-something.” Stevens gets dumped to the floor. Back in and Knobbs splashes him in the corner. Double suplex, but Stevens gets a surprise sunset flip for two. Knobbs goes to a chinlock, but Stevens gets a quick kick and Starr tags in. Starr misses a dropkick, and Knobbs figures it’s time to end this. Powerslam from Knobbs leads to an elbowdrop from Saggs for the three. Actually not that bad.

Match #8

The “New” Fantastics vs. Tommy Landell & The Enforcer

This is the Fultons, Bobby and Jackie. The commentator claims Jackie is better than Tommy Rogers and that the “New” Fantastics could beat The Road Warriors. Sure thing. Jackie dominates with dropkicks and a powerslam, but the Enforcer (not AA) breaks things up. A double noggin’ knocker puts a stop to that. Enforcer wants a test of strength which turns into a armbar. He DDT’s Enforcer for 2. Enforcer blind tags Landell but Jackie sees it and the two double team Landell with a double-kick which looks like the worst Total Elimination possible. Headlock on Landell into a front facelock. Enforcer tags back in, gets Russian legsweeped, and then they hit “Le Bomb De Rougeuax” for the three. 1/2*. The less said, the better.

Match #9

The American Bulldogs vs. Colt. Steel & Tommy Landell

The American Bulldogs are two guys who act like the Steiners and steal every gimmick from them except the name which of course is a play on The British Bulldogs. I’ll spare the play-by-play and just tell you their finish is a powerslam-elbowdrop where one guy drops the elbow off the top rope while the other guy powerslams him. Needless to say, their timing is just a tad off. The commentators even point out how off the move was but they get the pin anyways. DUD.

Match #10

Jeff Jarrett / Matt Borne vs. Cactus Jack / Sheik Braddock

Okay, this is more like it. Three matches with “never-were’s” and finally some guys I want to see. Jarrett is EXTREMELY skinny here as is Cactus for that matter. Hell, Jarrett’s built like TAKA at this point. Jarrett and Borne are the tag champs while Jack and Braddock are part of the Devastation Inc. mix with Skandor Akbar. Frank Dusek is in Jarrett’s corner. Jarrett and Borne destroy Braddock and Jack, so they focus on Akbar. They surround him, but Braddock and Jack charge, but they both run into Akbar. Jack and Braddock fall down like they’ve been shot, but Akbar just no-sells it. Akbar was the king of the no-sell. I never saw him sell a beating more than thirty seconds. Ever. Oh, this is the early days of the USWA I might add in the waning days of the Eric Embry era. Cactus has a cast on. I notice this because Jarrett gets an armbar on Cactus but doesn’t use the proper arm. Cactus does a leapfrog and then tries a reverse leapfrog, but gets confused when Jarrett doesn’t cooperate, so he turns around and gets punched down. He backs off into the corner, but Jarrett yanks him out so he lands on his head, and the expression on his face is so overdone, it’s hysterical. Cactus slams Jarrett and tags Braddock who originated the Slaughter-Iraq angle, by the way. He was initially Cpl. Braddock, but nobody cares about anybody named Cpl. so he turned heel and became Sheik Braddock. And still nobody cared. Jarrett gets an armbar and Borne comes in. Borne kicks the arm and hits a clothesline. He hits a harsh looking dropkick to Braddock’s face. Jarrett back in with an elbow on that arm. Braddock reverses the armbar, so Jarrett turns it into a headscissors. Borne tags back in and we get some cuts to more armbars. Jack tags in and he tries to hiptoss Jarrett, but he can’t. Jarrett tries to hiptoss Jack, but he can’t, so he does that Rocker flip thing, so Jack clotheslines him with the cast. Jack chokes Jarrett, but Jarrett gets a quick small package for two. Braddock tags back in and gets a backbreaker for one. Jack tags back in, dumps Jarrett and hits his elbowdrop onto the floor. Jarrett looks dead as Jack rolls him in for the pin. Jarrett puts his foot on the rope, and Braddock forgets to kick Jarrett’s leg off the rope until after the ref’s counted three. Dusek runs in screaming bloody murder but it’s kind of a moot point if Braddock screwed up his cue. But Dusek convinces referee Tony Falk so he restarts the match. Jarrett goes for a backdrop so Jack kicks him. He dumps him and goes for the elbowdrop again but misses, and the camera shows Jack just splatting on the floor. His arm just falls flat on the concrete. Brutal. They both roll back in and Jarrett hot-tags Borne. He destroys both men and the fans go nuts. Borne lowers his head for a backdrop though and Jack hits him with his cast for a two. Jarrett and Braddock fight on the floor. Jack pops Borne in the face with his cast again for two. He goes for a third shot but Borne hits a belly to back suplex for the three. Good stuff when Foley was in there obviously. Not bad for USWA standards.

I guess that was our main event because this is the….

End of tape.

This tape had possibilities. It really did. Seeing Sean Waltman in his early days and seeing Steamboat in his off-season was fun to watch. However, they could have done more, a LOT more. They seemed to have access to at least four different federations (Global, USWA, South Atlantic, NAWA) but chose jobber matches instead of main events. Why not show Steamboat / Orton? Why not the Bulldogs / Nasty Boys? Why does “Hollywood” Tommy Landell get more screen time than anybody else on this tape? And why are Ian and Axl Rotten on the cover when they don’t even wrestle on the tape? (Granted, it’s a small blessing.) For that matter why does the box boast that the tape features Cactus Jack AND Mankind as if they really think it’s two different people?

On the other hand, the quality is pretty damn good, all things considered. And even some of the bad matches have a sort of perverse quality to them. (i.e. Hugh Morrus leaving Doink for dead, Steamboat unintentionally mauling a rookie) but the moments aren’t enough for me to recommend this.

Take a pass, thumb slightly down, C.

-Sydney Brown