411’s NWA TNA Report 05.21.03

WWE’s Judgment Day got mixed reviews. And, for the second straight month, my brother did not order the WWE PPV after a 4 year streak of buying. I’m actually a little sad I missed the ladder match. Eddie and Tajiri as a team? That sounds awesome. And I would have liked to see the women’s four way, what with Trish’s face first bump of derring-do and all. Oh well. Hopefully some of you rapscallions who skipped Judgment Day will plunk down that cool ten dollars and see if TNA can do better.

And if you’re going to do it, you may want to do it soon. Rumor has it that the one year anniversary show may be the LAST TNA show, period. The NWA has a one year contract with the PPV networks, and supposedly the networks may not want to continue airing TNA. The PWTorch crew seems to enjoy pointing out that TNA is losing money every week. This is all INTERNET NEWZZZ, so who knows.

After our highly controversial taser job on Joe Somar, I sat down with the First Lady of TNA, ATHENA, and got down to the nitty gritty. ENJOY!

1. Hey Athena, do you think I’m really cool now that I am on 411?

“411? Oh yes. YES! OH GOD YES!! Do me, Peter. Do me NOW.”
(You said you’d give me fifty bucks to put you over in question #1, right? If not, please disregard and change answer for #1 to: “Who are you again?”)

* Hey Ashish, get rid of her parenthesis comment before posting this, hee hee. I’ll tell her I don’t know what happened. * (ed note: Actually we’ll just post this as is, Peter.)

2. What was the most painful bump you ever took in TNA?

“My neck has made really bizarre cracking sounds ever since that Siakalypse Now. And since my back now hurts every morning when I wake up… I’m gonna pick THAT ONE.”

3. You ever witness any “ribs”?

“I saw a guy rib himself once. We were working a show in a small country town where the ring was actually set up in a bar. It’s kind of a long story, but basically one of the workers ended up putting a live baby snake down the front of his tights without realizing it as he headed out to the ring. He was afraid of snakes. Hilarity ensued.”

4. All the fans yell all this messed up stuff at the valets. How do you put up with that?

“That’s probably the question people ask me most often. Because I got picked on so much for being a SUPER-NERD MARCHING BAND GEEK in high school, I have very thick skin. Plus I never take that stuff personally. I think I actually thrive on it. It means I’m doing my job, you know? And believe me, I’ve heard some horrible stuff. I’ll never forget my very first “YOU WHORE”. Jake’s Auction Barn. McMinnville, Tennessee. June 4, 1999. The fire and hatred in that haggard woman’s voice still echoes in my mind today. Just beautiful. The worst stuff was at NWA Wildside, though. I think I had taken Stone Mountain’s finisher, and was selling it like I was dead, when the whole crowd stared chanting, all evil-like, “WHORE IS DEAD! WHORE IS DEAD!” Yikes. My mom would have been very upset had she been in attendance that night.”

WHORE IS DEAD! Athena is SCANTILY CLAD at: http://www.thegoddessathena.com

TNA Episode #46: “

THIS EVENING! SABU no-showed last week? My vodka-sense is tingling! PAUL LONDON to return tonight! HOODY HOO! Hey what about Jeff Hardy? And how about that Sandman vs Siaki match for tonight! That sound good? No? Uhhh. Wait, how about the X Division four way? Is that.. No? Jeff..? Hardy..? How about this tag tourney… Not interested? Well, listen. It has been my experience with TNA that the shows that look bad on paper end up being some of their best. So expectations are low, let’s get comfortable and see what we get. Do you want to go faster? SCREAM if you want to go faster !

– Live from the TNA Asylum 5/21/03

– Your hosts are Mike Tenay and Don West

Rotating TNA logo into the FBI warning back to the rotation.

We get a video package detailing last week’s episode, where SEX ran rampant under Glen Gilberti’s command.

What the.. Then we get a Star Wars-style intro. In the void of space, words scroll up our screen. Tenay’s voiceover indicates that tonight there’ll be some tournaments. Somebody’s smoking dope on this production team.

Raven cuts a promo sitting on a building, or maybe it’s a trailer? He says the fans chanted “bullshit” as he lost the big match a few weeks back. Jarrett attacks him? On the roof? Was there a ladder? HEPPED UP ON GOOFBALLS! WHORE IS DEAD!

The TNA man love statue explodes. We pan the crowd. Tenay says tonight we kick off two tournaments. Raven is the special referee for the House of Fun match between Sandman and Siaki. We see footage of Chris Sabin joining SEX from last week.

#1 CONTENDERSHIP X DIVISION 4 WAY ELIMINATION RULES – JASON CROSS vs CM PUNK vs KID ROMEO vs PAUL LONDON: Punk gets planted on the outside early on, “TNA” chant. London goes for a razor’s edge, but Kid Romeo converts it to a rana. NICE reversal sequence ends with CM dumping London off the top turnbuckle and face first into the guardrail. Cross with an awesome enziguri miss into a back heel kick. CM wins me over by naming his finisher after the Misfits’ hairdo, The DeviLock, gets two on Cross. Cross with an AWESOME spinning neckbreaker off the top. ELIMINATES CM PUNK. Cross with a NICE twisting dive onto London and Romeo outside the ring. Cross with a BEAUTIFUL slingshot into a headscissors takeover. Romeo with a SICK top rope drop he calls the Kiss Goodnight. ELIMINATES CROSS. Now it’s London vs Romeo. London has a cut on his nose. Ohh Romeo with another unbelievable top rope move. London with the FLASH MAGIC! Gets two. Romeo with a Torture Rack into an F-5 drop. Another nice move from Romeo. 1..2.. Romeo pulls London up? Romeo misses a top rope move. London with an AWESOME Shooting Star Press he calls “London Calling”. WINNER: PAUL LONDON Good stuff! All 4 guys were solid, definitely want to see more of Punk.

West and Tenay talk about how the “NWA officials” are cracking down on TNA. This nebulous entity has put together tag teams, they’ve had enough of the factions, and have paired members of different factions and are forcing them to become teammates in a tag tournament that begins tonight. Also the first match in the “Hard 10” tournament. More on that later. Cameras have been placed all over the asylum so we can get a good look at stuff.

Goldy is with Sonny. His back-up, “Glen Gilbernetti” isn’t here tonight. So the Ace in da Ho is in charge tonight. He addresses SEX. He wants a volunteer to get Raven. Noone volunteers. So Siaki wants Young to do it, but Young is getting ready for some match with Desire. Siaki wants to know what’s up with Young and Desire. Siaki throws up his hands and says he’ll find Raven on his own.

Raven is in his RED RUM, he is pissed at Julio and Alexis for helping SEX last week. He was going to put soap in Alexis’ mouth? But he just storms off.

XXX (Elix & Chris Daniels) vs SLASH, JUSTIN CREDIBLE & RED: Low Ki got hurt in a match with Flash Barker in England. TNA has decided to make XXX wrestle handicapped. Daniels makes Slash’s offense look awesome. Daniels with a nice tope on his own partner (oops). Red takes out XXX with a really nice flip splash. Daniels sells Slash’s awesome whirlybird with an eyerolling sit-up fall-back-down. Elix hits a chairshot on Slash outside the ring. XXX isolate Slash. “Let’s go Slash” chant. Slash tags in Red who goes to town with a standing SSP on Elix, goes for the Code Red… but Daniels charges in with a lariat midmove. Ohh Daniels with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker and then a second in the opposite direction in one fluid motion. Red is being victimized. West puts over the quality of Red’s soul HUGE. Red rallies with an awesome elevated double dropkick. Tags in Credible. Tenay is no longer sure who the legal member of XXX is. Daniels sneaks in a belt shot, but Slash breaks up the Elix pin attempt. XXX with their awesome Suplex/springboard crossbody. Gete two. They dump Red, his teammates catch him and roll Red back on the apron. Red with a spring swinging rock bottom. Covers Elix. 1..2…3. WINNERS: RED, CREDIBLE & SLASH

Raven runs in, lays out Red and grabs the mic. He declares war on Jarrett. And until he meets Jarrett, there will be much collateral damage. So it has been written, so it shall come to pass.

TNA girls dance in HOTPANTS! We see BUTTS!

Goldy is in a store returning a cell phone….? The Nokia guy isn’t helpful. She gets rude with the guy. I think her music is playing in the background. She says she’s gonna come for him! Like she’s cutting a promo. This episode is turning bizarre. She destroys her phone. Then she throws the phone at him. I have no idea what the hell is going on. GOOFBALLS!

Goldy is with Mike Sanders. Sanders says he’s been a giant killer for a long time. He’s beaten Andre, Undertaker… Let’s talk about the Hard Ten. Sanders thinks she’s talking about his wang. He has a match with Brian Lee, who he calls the “Underfaker”. He he. Ric Flair called this guy one of the top wrestlers five years from now?

HARD TEN TOURNEY ROUND ONE MATCHUP – MIKE SANDERS vs BRIAN LEE: There’s a point system here. You gotta have ten points to win. Disturbingly reminiscent of the Dupp Cup. Where’s my man Watts tonight? Brian Lee gets a point for a trash can lid shot on Sanders. He gets two more points for two more similar shots. You get 5 points if you put your oponent through a table. Another lid shot. Lee 4, Sanders 0. Sanders catapults Lee into a lid for one point. a few Sanders lid shots even it up at 4-4. Sanders with another lid shot, 5-4. SCINTILLATING ACTION. Lays Lee on the table, Lee gets up and ties it up 5-5. Lee with a couple shots to the back of Sanders’ head with various aluminum items, so it’s 7-5. Lee sets up the table in the ring. Lee with another shot, 8-5. Lays Sanders on the table. Lee climbs the buckle, goes for the splash, Sanders rolls off the table. So Mike Sanders wins, 10-8. WINNER: MIKE SANDERS Five years from now, Mike Sanders pulls up to install a new telephone line into your home. He makes a penis joke. Man it ended just when the trash can lid shots were getting INTENSE! The FOIL WAS FLYING!

Sonny is in the back with Raven. Siaki wants to make sure Raven is on SEX’s side when he refs the “House of Pancakes” match, or else Raven will feel the Siakalypse Now. Athena knows what he’s talking about. Protect the chicks, you cad!

Tenay and West go over this Asylum Alliance tournament. It’s a bunch of WRESTLING ODD COUPLES in a tourney for the #1 contendership for the tag belts, New Jack and Shark Boy are a team! WOO! Two of my favorite guys.

Goldy is in the back with Sharky and New Jack. They are playing Candy Land. New Jack says Shark Boy has to go back to the gingerbread plumtree. Goldy says New Jack is cheating. New Jack says something about white women. All three of these people RULE.

TNA girl jiggles her asscheeks to the delight of prepubescent lads across the globe.

Goldy with Killings. Killings is teaming with one of the racist Harris Hosses. The Harrises jump Killings and beat him down. West wonders how they will co-exist? HOW?!?!? New Jack attacks Killings and brawls him down the ramp…. This tag match is underway:

SHARK BOY & NEW JACK vs RON KILLINGS & DON HARRIS: Apparently Don Harris won’t be at ringside for this match. He is not counted out, though. “New Jack” chant. In the ring, New Jack with a nice belly to belly on Killings. Killings is getting beaten. The Harrises run in. They give New Jack an H Bomb. Killings lays out both Harrises. Shark Boy goes for a crossbody, Killings converts it to a bodyslam! 1..2..3! WINNERS: KILLINGS & DON HARRIS Whoa, in TNA, laying out the Harrises is like giving HHH and The Undertaker their own finishers and getting the clean pin and then having sex with their girlfriends! Truth is put over HUGE!

Sandman in the back with Raven. Sandman refers to their ECDUB feud as to a reason why Raven can’t be trusted. Raven says he is on Sandman’s side. Sandman doesn’t buy it and lays him out.

Tenay and West say it’s time for another Alliance Asylum match.

Goldy is in the back with Kid Kash and Trinity. They are being forced to tag together. Kash is mad because this match tonight is a three on one. But Kash will take on Young, he’ll take out Tracy, and then.. he’s going to take out Trinity. Kash drags Trinity off camera. Hey it’s ERIK WATTS! “WATTS!” chant (No I’m not kidding). He says “THE Eric”, the most intellectual and powerful, is coming to TNA. Goldy asks if Watts means Bischoff, Watts kind of skirts the question. He says Goldy left her shoes under his bed the other day. She says not to discuss that on the air. Watts is almost in the zone! I can’t believe how good he’s getting.

DAVID YOUNG & TRACY vs KID KASH & TRINITY: Kash with an AWESOME counter out of an armbar. Kash with a springboard sunset flip on Young gets two. “Trinity” chant. Kash teases the tag. Kash hits his double sringboard rana. Man, what SNAP on that. Tracy gets tagged in. She wants Kash. Kash tags in Trinity, orders her to take out Tracy. Trinity with the cross armbreaker! Goes to town with an armdrag! Bite your knuckle Trish Stratus. Young gets tagged in. Young with a NICE spear on Trinity. She kicks out. Ohhhh Trinity with an INSANE tilt a whirl on Young! Good GAWD! Kash with a STIFF chop on Tracy. Crowd is ON FIRE! Kash is about to take out Tracy with the moneymaker. The lights dim. On the video screen, the ROGUE LUCHADOR addresses Kash, and challenges Kash to a match next week. David Young TOTALLY ANNIHILATES Kash with his SPINEBUSTER OF C4 DISK JELLY BURSTING! WINNERS: YOUNG & TRACY

Goldy with D Lo. D Lo says the difference between the WWE and TNA is that in TNA D Lo can talk about who he wants, when he wants. D Lo says Jeff Jarrett is scared. While he and AJ are focused on this Alliance thingie, both of them still want Jarrett.

Raven’s in the ring. Raven wants Jarrett out here now. Raven gives Jeremy Borasch a Raven Effect DDT. “Raven” chant. Security comes out to help Jeremy.

Mortimer Plumtree is going to be the ring announcer now? Is he going to write the TNA column this week? Har har.

ASYLUM ALLIANCE QUALIFYING MATCH – AMERICA’S MOST WANTED vs DLO & AJ STYLES: This should be good. Storm and AJ go to town on the opening counter sequence. Vince is LUBING UP at the prospect of these two young STUDS. D Lo with an awkward OSAKA STREET CUTTER! I just mention it so you can marvel at my PURO KNOWLEDGE and recognize my formidable STREET CRED. Storm catapults AJ into the buckle, AJ lands feet first and tries to convert into a crossbody but Harris catches him with a SUPERKICK! Nice!! Harris goes for the Catatonic, AJ converts to a SICK SUBMISSION with Harris STILL STANDING! WOO! D Lo gets the hot tag. “D Lo” chant. Storm with the inverted tornado DDT on D Lo. AJ breaks up the count. AJ goes for the SPRINGBOARD BACKFLIP KICK, Harris hits him with a SPEAR MIDMOVE! Awww sweet lord that looked like AGONY! AJ with the Styles Clash on Young. D Lo goes for the frogsplash. SEX runs in? Tenay says SEX wants a double DQ so neither team can be in the Asylum Alliance match. Storm covers DLo. WINNERS: DLO & AJ

Video of Gilberti. He says the NWA brand is dead. If he had power, he’d change the name of the show to “SEX presents TNA”. He thinks Raven is full of himself. I think we’re supposed to think of this as a shoot. Glen thinks the drugs have robbed him of brain cells. He says Jarrett is a 42 year old man who doesn’t understand where wrestling should be in ten years. Glen does. He says Jeff Jarrett doesn’t have star power. SHOOTY!

West and Tenay talk about the stuff that happened on this show. There’ll be a new TNA segment called TNA Talk in a few weeks. June 18th is the one year anniversary show. Next week we’ll have more tournament matches. Kash and the luchador will face off in the ring.

CLOCKWORK ORANGE HOUSE OF FUN WITH RAVEN AS GUEST REFEREE – SANDMAN vs SONNY SIAKI: Clockwork matches are like this. There’s a bunch of weapons dangling above the ring on a chain. In order to win, you have to put your opponent through two stacked tables. At least, that was the rule in the other two. One of the weapons is a 10 by 10 foot segment of chainlink fencing. Sandman’s wearing a Raven shirt, like last week. Announcers say Sandman is obsessed with Raven. Sandman wastes valuable PPV time with his lengthy beering entrance. The best was that first blood match he was in a few weeks back, Sandman cut himself open bashing a beer can against his forehead before the match even started. The match gets underway, Raven is just sitting in the corner. “Raven” chant. Siaki gets busted open from getting his face raked on the chainlink fencing. Sandman in total control. Sonny rallies with a one man trash can lid conchairto, Sandman sells it with a drunken flop. Siaki places a lid on Sandman’s groin, and Sonny cracks it with a kendo stick. Sonny puts Sandman in the tree of woe, Sonny steps on Sandman’s groin. This gets a “TNA” chant? Sandman sets Siaki up in a tree of woe, lies a chair on Siaki’s face, and baseball slides a trash can into the chair/face. Raven still just looking on. No emotion on his face. Siaki with a NICE cane shot. Third one drops Sandman. Sonny covers, wants Raven to count the pin. Raven doesn’t move. Announcers thinks this means Raven’s on Sandman’s side. Sandman covers, Raven doesn’t move again. Wrestlers and annoouncers act confused. Sandman sets up the chainlink fence on a bunch of steel chairs. Sandman dumps Sonny on them. Sandman goes for a flip dive off the top, Siaki moves. Ohhh Sandman with a NASTY trash can shot on Siaki. Sandman has the singapore cane. White Russian legsweep? Sandman covers.. 1…2… Raven gives Sandman a Raven Effect! Then he gives Sonny a Raven effect..? WINNER: NO CONTEST?

Raven walks into the parking lot calling for Jarrett. RED jumps Raven!?!? Red brawls Raven back into the ring. Red with a SWEET Tilt a whirl DDT on Raven! Red climbs the ropes… Here’s Julio to dump Red. Red with the CODE RED on Julio! Red sends Alexis face first into Julio’s groin. Red lays Raven out on a table?? Red climbs the buckle! Red flips onto Raven! Doesn;t break the table. Do it again, there, buddy. Here we go! AAAAHHH THIS TIME IT BREAKS! HOODY HOO! End of Show!

So the WWA tour cost us Lynn, Jarrett, Glen, Sabu and even Sabin.. But this was still a good show. Aside from the weird Goldy segment, I have nothing to complain about, which is what us net writers are supposed to do. I have much to learn yet, please bear with me my TNAphiles and factfinders. So does this mean TNA will feature Glen vs Jeff, and Raven vs Red? Won’t Raven vs Red totally overshadow the other feud for the belt?

Keep in mind my total value system is based on what I’d pay for the show. It’s not a 1-10 scoring system, I’ll go all the way up to the gaudy $34.95 of a WWE hossfest if I feel a TNA show is worth that. $5 means I’d rent the show, $25 is what an ECW DVD costs us here in NEW YAWK.

Total Value: $10.00

Wait, my biggest complaint: NOT ENOUGH WATTS!

Top 5 Moments of the Show:
5. New Jack plays Candy Land with Shark Boy.
4. Erik Watts wins over Goldy with his smarmy backrub from last week.
3. Trinity and Tracy have a women’s encounter that isn’t stilted and bad-looking, but rather looks believable, if disjointed.
2. AJ counters the Catatonic into that whacky-ass submission. That spring backflip kick into the SPEAR was like unto the GAWDS OF WRESTLING as well.
1. Red with the splash on Raven! Red vs Raven? How awesome would that be?!

TNA Hall of shame: No Hall moments this week, I am happy to announce (Disgraceland is getting lonely in there, though).

MATCH OF THE NIGHT: AMW vs AJ & D LO – May end up being my pick as the Match of the Month.

Current TNA Match of the Year: 4/30/03: NWA WORLD TITLE – RAVEN vs. JEFF JARRETT(c)