411’s WWE Experience Report 08.28.05

WWE Experience Report
08.28.05
Live (?) from: New York, NY
Hosts: Todd Grisham & … eh?

On tap for ‘The Experience’:

– SummerSlam Cause & Effect
– 1-on-1 with the Newest Diva

Ivory, Ivory … Wherefore art thou, oh Ivory? Sweet darling of mine Sunday mornings, I must apologise to thee; how greedy I was to take a Summer sabbatical, only to leave the internet bereft of the copious praise I bestow upon you. And now, with no one at thy side to sing thine praises, the boys in Stamford have seen fit to axe you. The Experience shall … well, be lacking in a bit of the usual experience hereafter.

Todd attempts to play nice to me by saying he’s “my friend,” but I’m not sure if I’m ready to move on to that level of relationship yet. Meanwhile, we get a highlight package of all the key moments at SummerSlam last Sunday, including the finish to …. Well, just about every match. Cowboy Bob, the 25.5 secs, Eddie’s wife, etc.

Todd’s sporting a crиme dress shirt with stylized goldenrod vertical stripes and dark trousers this morning, and also casually drops that while he’s “not that camera friendly,” he possesses “a good heart.” Okay.

Feature #1: Highlight from SmackDown!: Singles Contest: Randy Orton w/ Cowboy Bob Orton vs. Bob ‘Hardcore’ Holly

JIP …. Orton drops a high knee for 2, before cinching in Holly’s skull via a neck vise; Orton hits his rapid chest pounds atop Holly’s exposed upper sternum. Randy now places Hardcore atop the ropes in the NE turnbuckle …. HOLLY boots Orton right in his grille! Holly off the top ….. now ORTON boots Holly in his grille. Double KO ….1 ……2 ….. 3 ……4 ……. Randy stirring ….. 5 ……. 6 ……. 7 ……. Both men up! EuroCut by Orton! 1 …….. 2 …….. 2.26! Randy and Bob trade right hands now, each man attempting to feel the other ……. Shoulder block knockdown by Orton! Randy grasps Bob’s face, wailing on him with punches and
EuroCuts as the crowd chants for the ‘R.K.O.’ …… Holly counters! FULL NELSON SLAM!#! 1 ……… 2 …………. 2.58! Holly goes upstairs …….. BIG FLYING CLOTHESLINE 1 ………2 ………………… 2.67! Chops by Holly to Orton’s chest now reverberate across the arena in Greensboro …… Alabama Sl ………. Cowboy Bob distracts Bob! RK ……….. NO! SPEAR BY Holly!#!! 1 …………..2 …………………… 2.87!!! Bob & Bob jab once more as Orton measures Holly ………… RKO!@!! 1 …………. 2 …………………… 3!!!

Todd points to a red “NO STOPPING” sign as if it contains some great import for mankind, before giving way to the …..

Feature #2: The SmackDown! Lowdown

Palmer Cannon wants to keep SD! high in the ratings, Stacy & Christy move to Thursday (and now Friday) nights, Palmer channels the Goodfather, “Mr.” Ken Kennedy debuts as a loudmouth, and Chris Benoit brews some coffee.

Up Next: Ashley in person

Commercials:

-Get your ‘History of the Undertaker’ DVD now! A must-have for any UT fan! The Ultimate Fighter is on tomorrow night! Matt Hughes is one of the coaches, I love that guy!
-Yeah, that’s way too many exclamation points. But it’s my big re-launch, so I’m in a jovial mood.
-Generals argue about who’s “wrong,” and act like little kids while fighting over their battle maps. Hmm, maybe that’s been part of the problem in Iraq

The WWE Experience is brought to you by Sneaux: A darn good show, Clearasil for Men, and M-Azing: are you?

Todd knows he is, but still isn’t nearly as amazing as one Ashley (do we have her last name?)

Feature #3: Sit-Down with Ashley

Ashley talks at about a 784 word / minute clip while recounting her victorious experience, describing how her body was shaking, and tears were welling in her eye sockets. We now catch clips of her on local tv morning shows discussing her amorphous role with the WWE, followed by her assuring us that she will work very hard, and “totally knowing” about rasslin’.

We’ll see.

Feature #4: Highlight from RAW: Welcome Party for Ashley

Ashley states that it’s an incredible honour to be out there with fellows RAW newbies Candice Michelle and Torrie, who compliment her, saying that she should be able to fit right in with all the other gals on the show. Candice then casually mentions she never got any over-sized novelty checks, although Ashley cuts her off to thank the fans. Candice thinks maybe Ashley should return the favour to the fans for voting her in …….. WHOA!! Candice decks Ashley! Torrie “Vulture” Wilson goes after the scraps left lying in the ring! When Candice and Torrie attack!!

Up Next: The Capn’

Commercials:

-Have you seen these “Rebel Unit” BK Chicken fries commercials? They’re nearly as bad as the Coqroq ones
-Speaking of which, how did the FCC ever let THAT get by??
-If you’ve been denied a disability claim by Unum, Provident, Paul Revere, or First Unum, please call 1 [phone] and get the money you deserve. This has been your weekly 411 WWE Experience Report Public Service Announcement, thank you.

Todd recounts the simmering feud between Christian and the Mexicools, which led to ……

Feature #5: Highlight from SmackDown!: Tag Team Contest: “Captain Charisma” Christian & Booker T w/ Sharmell vs. Super Crazy & Psychosis of the Mexicools w/ “The Juice” Juventud Guerrera

JIP …. Super Crazy throws Christian across the middle rope, allowing Psychosis to nail him across the back of the neck with Referee Nick Patrick’s back turned. LOUD dropkick by Super Crazy gets a 2, as Psychosis tags in and slaps Christian across the jaw. That riles up the Canadian, who slaps right back, but is soon felled for a count of two …. Tag to Super Crazy …….. MOONSAU ……………. No!! Christian rolls! DOUBLE KO …… 1 ………….. 2 ……3 .. Christian to his knees ……4 …. Same for Super Crazy …………5 ……. TAG to Book!! SIDE KICK! SPINE BUSTER!!! AXE KI ……… no! Juvy holds up Booker, as the Mexicools all gang up on him and Sharmell yells at Christian to help him out ………. Booker runs off the ropes, flying headlong into Sharmell who was standing on the apron and she goes screaming to the floor …… double clothesline by Booker T!! WAIT, Christian bails on Book & Sharmell! DOUBLE TEAM back suplex by Psychosis & Super Crazy!! 1 …………2 ……………… 3!!!

Up Next: Matt Hardy, Jobber 1.0

Commercials:

-Upcoming SmackDown! schedule; feel the action & intensity: Florence, SC; North Charleston, SC; Jacksonville, FL; Frederick, MD; Macon, GA. An experience like no other.
-J-ville Represent.
-Some poker ad spells easy as “eazy.”
-And people wonder why foreign kids outscore ours on International exams.

WWE Rewind: Angle re-takes the Gold

Feature #6: Highlight from RAW: Singles Contest: Kurt Angle vs. Shelton Benjamin

JIP …… Kurt grabs an Ankle Lock with Benjamin still on his back, Kurt attempts to roll him over …… no! DRAGON WHIP by Shelton! 1 ……… 2 ……………. 2.64!! Benjamin’s going upstairs; Kurt’s up! POP-UP BELLY-TO-BELLY@!! 1 ………….. 2 …………………. 2.87!! Kurt Angle is in DISBELIEF and the STRAPS ARE DOWN. Kurt measures Shelton, waiting for an opening ……. ANGLE SL …….. no! DDT by Benjamin! 1 ………2 ……………………. 2.79!! Shelton labours to his feet, stalking Angle …. EXPLODE …….. no! Ankle Lock!!! With the GRAPEVINE …… Shelton writhes in pain, he just can’t give in, he won’t give in … or will he? No, don’t tap out, Mr. Benjam …….. TAPP!!!

Post-match, Kurt is awarded his Olympic Medal for the second time in as many nights.

Todd loved the match, noting that Kurt Angle is nearly unstoppable at this point, before moving on to Shawn Michaels and his post-S-Slam remarks on RAW ….

Feature #7: Michaels Speaks

Shawn Michaels notes that while Hulk’s on some jet plane down to Florida, never to come back again, he is here … TONIGHT … to please you, the WWE fan. This draws the ire of one Chris Masters, who believes that Shawn is past his own time, and is in dire need of passing on the proverbial torch. Shawn takes that as a challenge, and wails on Masters for a minute or two before the Chris bails and tomorrow night …… LIVE ON RAW ….. it’ll be The Showstopper vs. The Masterpiece!

Oh, it’s only going to be a “Masterlock Challenge.” Oh well.

Feature #8: Highlight from RAW: Singles Contest: Rob ‘Con’way vs. Matt Hardy, Version 1.0

WWE clips this as a highlight package, rather than as a straight re-broadcast, as we see Hardy and Conway each enter the ring, followed by Edge and Lita who make their way to the announce table. Their presence distracts Matt, who takes a cheapshot from Conway. Hardy fights out of a Sleeper Hold, but Rob comes back to drop an elbow drop …… for the 1, 2, 3? Edge beats Matt down afterwards, as Hardy has nothing to do but stare at the rafters.

Feature #9: Highlight from RAW: Verbal Jousting, Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Ric Flair

Carlito mentions that his father wrestled many a time back in the day, teaching his son that Flair wasn’t really that good. Flair takes offense at this, even going after Carlito! Cool bails at the assailing onslaught of the Nature Boy, and I think someone just turned face!

Up Next: Fired?

Commercials:

-Speaking of Coqroq, here it is. Perhaps the FCC did take notice of these BK commercials, since the lyrics to the ‘Bop your Head’ piece appear to have changed from “one nation under chicken fries” to “one kingdom under chicken fries.”
-Maybe someone got upset, and thought it was denigrating to American patriotism? Although that’s not the chief reason why I’d think these BK bits would raise some eyebrows at Michael Powell Land …

Todd crosses the street without looking, setting a horrible example for all the little kids watching out there. Meanwhile, he segues us to ….

Feature #10: Highlight from RAW: You’re Fired Singles Contest for the Heavyweight Championship of the WWE: ‘Y2J’ Chris Jericho vs. John Cena (c)

Clipped, as before …. Both men enter, Bischoff reassures Jericho … Jericho gets a clothesline and a leg lariat, but gets tossed off the top face-first and catches a Cena non-POUNCE Flying Shoulder Block. Both men exchange right hands, as Bischoff interferes and Jericho locks in the Walls. FU by Cena, but Bisch palms some brass knucks to Y2J. That’s only good for a 2.9, however, and a second FU finishes it for the Champ.

Bischoff is quite upset with Jericho, and fires him on the spot, as three security guards haul him away, literally kicking and screaming. Kurt Angle runs in now, nearly German Suplexing the life out of Cena, as Bischoff declares him to be the new #1 Contender.

Up Next: Big Six Man Tag on SD!

Commercials:

-Upcoming RAW schedule; feel the action & intensity: Orlando, FL; Tampa, FL; Memphis, TN; Jackson, MS; Chattanooga, TN. An experience like no other.
-Last Commercial Break; Clearasil for Men, BK Chicken Fries Rebel Unit, Castrol GTX Motor Oil, The Incredible Hulk, Bod, Foot Locker, DVR from Time Warner Digital Cable & National Jewelry & Pawn of Durham, NC.

Todd thinks Mysterio, Benoit, and Batista had “pretty good SummerSlams,” but each of their opponents from Sunday were out for revenge this week on SD!

Feature #11: Highlight from SmackDown!: MAIN EVENT Six Man Tag Team Contest: John Bradshaw Layfield, Orlando Jordan & Eduardo Guerrero vs. Dave Batista, Chris Benoit & Rey Mysterio, Jr.

JIP …. JBL pushes off with his legs, sending Benoit flying to the floor! Orlando Jordan now cheap-shots him, sending Benoit right shoulder-first into the post! Orlando talks smack, proclaiming “I SAID I WOULD KNOCK YOU OUT” and tosses Benoit back inside to the eager JBL, cover …………. 1 ………..2 ……………… 2 .74! JBL throws right hands in every direction Benoit’s way before finally booting him to the canvas. Russian Leg Sweep by JBL! Tag to Eddie! 1 …………2 …………. 2 .67! 1 …..2 ………… 2.55!! Eddie picks Benoit up into an abdominal stretch, wrenching Chris’ mid-section, and locking hands with Jordan to increase leverage. Tag now to Jordan, who continues the hold, further cinching Benoit’s torso in unmentionable ways. HIP TOSS by Benoit! Benoit crawls to the face corner …… NO! Orlando drives an elbow into his spine and tags in Layfield! Straight right hand fells Benoit, and again. Benoit rolls about the mat, as the crowd attempts to emotionally revive him ……… and it works!! Chops to JBL! Ohhhh, Benoit got too close to the heel corner in his zealotry, and Eddie chokes him out via the tag rope. Suplex by JBL gets 2, as he tags in Eddie ….. who enters via a Springboard Senton Body Splash! Eddie throws Benoit into the NE corner and tags in Jordan, who nails a neckbreaker on Benoit ……. 1 ………. 2 …………… 2.72! Orlando tags in Bradshaw, who locks in a side bearhug, and Benoit HEADBUTTS his way out!! OHHH big knee to the gut by Layfield, who charges Benoit in the SW corner …… WHIFF!! ENZIGUIRI by Benoit! Crawling ….. reaching …….. will ….. he ……… make ……….. the ………………. Tag??? ………….. YESSS@!!!! Batista and Jordan meet centre ring, and Jordan flies to the canvas under the might of DAVE’s right hand ………… MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSSTAA@!!! DEMON SPAWN BOM ……… no!! …… Eddie comes in to cheap shot Dave, but Benoit takes him down! SHARPSHOOT … no! In comes JBL to break it up! MYSTERIO now, Springboard SENTON to Layfield Benoit sends the double forearms the way of JBL, and the ring clears for ……. A REY MYSTERIO 6.1.9. on Orlando Jordan! Benoit runs in for a ……… GERMAN!! Dave now enters the fray, ready to enact a debilitating beating ……….. DEMON SPAWN BOMB OF DOOM@!!! 1 …………. 2 ……………….. 3!!

11 Features on my re-launch? These guys are making me work!

On a serious note, though, many prayers go out to the folks along the gulf coasts of Louisiana, Mississippi & Alabama, as Katrina looks to be one whale of a storm. If you know a bit about Hurricane history in this country, Camille was the second strongest storm to strike the U.S. mainland in recorded history, with 909 millibars of central pressure (the lower, the stronger). Katrina got down to 907 mb earlier today.

We wish you guys the best.