411’s WWE Experience Report 09.04.05

WWE Experience Report
September 4, 2005 A.D.
Live (?) from: Central Park, New York, NY
Host: Todd Grisham

On tap for ‘The Experience’:

– SD! ‘mini-PPV’ set for Friday
– Hardy / Edge II
– Gibberish from Todd

Todd stands alone sporting a UF shade of orange dress shirt with khaki pants, and encourages all the XP faithful to support the folks down in the Gulf Coast region. Despite the horrors experienced in the region, WWE’s own resident New Orleans denizen, John Heidenreich was in action this past Thursday on ‘SmackDown!’ ..

Feature #1: Highlight from SmackDown!: Singles Contest: John Heidenreich w/ Animal vs. Joey Mercury w/ Johnny Nitro & Melina Perez

JIP … John hurls Mercury into the NW corner and runs in with a lariat; cross-ring Irish Whip is followed up by a boot to the face, as Mercury is now reeling. Joey comes back with a couple clubbing blows, however, though Animal clips his ankles as he was running the ropes.

This allows Heidenreich to catch him in a two-handed choke bomb! 1 ……….2 ………… ……….. 3!!

Okay.

Post-match, Animal hits the ring, but so too does Nitro! DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE from Animal! Animal picks Melina up for ……. DOOMSDAY DEVI …….. no! Mercury tosses Heidenreich off the turnbuckle! M.N.M. then slings Animal into the ring-steps and double teams Heidenreich! ………. SNAP-SHOT#!

We now turn to another budding feud on SD! and how it played out this past Thursday evening …

Feature #2: Highlight from SmackDown!: Singles Contest for the Heavyweight Championship of the United States: Orlando Jordan vs. Chris Benoit (c)

This match actually isn’t joined in progress!! Wow!!!

A clock runs at the lower-left hand of the screen, indicating if Benoit can keep his prior pace; Random brawling starts this one off, with Jordan pounding on Benoit in the corner at the 12 second mark. Benoit fights for the cross-face at 18.1!! He’s got it! Will …… 19.2 …….. Jordan ……. 20.1 …….. tap???? 21.2 …. YESS!@!! Jordan taps at 21.8 seconds, even though the WWE-sponsored clock doesn’t stop until 23.4; either way, it clearly bests Benoit’s previous record!

Up Next: The Masterpiece produces his virtuoso

Commercials:

-“I feel like I’m in a Britney Spears video”
-Don’t we all man; don’t we all.

Feature #3: RAW Action:

Torrie & Candice connive — Ashley’s apparently a dolt — Victoria’s a devastating performer — HBK appears on the Cabana — Carlito better not spit in Michaels’ face — Masters joins Shawn on the program — Shawn starts a feud he can’t immediately handle …. FLAIR runs in!! — Ric sends the bucks flying —

Feature #4: Highlight from RAW: MAIN EVENT Tag Team Contest: “The Heart Break Kid” Shawn Michaels & a hospital-bound “Nature Boy” Ric Flair vs. “The Masterpiece” Chris Masters & Carlito Caribbean Cool

JIP as Masters beats Michaels down and stalks him for the Masterlock …. No! HBK comes back with some chops! Off-handed DDT from Michaels! Masters is out cold, but so is Shawn unless he’s playing possum ….. and RIC FLAIR is here! Tag to Ric!! Flair unloads on Masters with a series of rights; Carlito runs in and gets floored just as quickly. Chop Block to Masters! Flair wants the Figure Four on the Masterpiece …… low blow by Carlito!! Ric is in agony, as Shawn hits a plancha to the outside on Carlito …… which leaves Masters all alone with a prone Ric Flair …. MASTERLOCK@!! Flair’s fading, fading fast, but can the legend hang on ……. Ric’s down to his knees, no Nature Boy, no, don’t pass out, please Ric ….. OHHH DANG IT!!#$!

Flair passes out to the Masterlock, but it’s on like Donkey Kong Monday night as Shawn takes on the Masterlock challenge!

Up Next: Kurt admonishes Cena

Commercials:

-‘Hogan Knows Best’ Season Finale, BROTHER, tonight on VH1 @ 9:30 PM
-With Hockey practice at 9:00, I’m soooo taping it.
-My buddy here actually set his Tivo to record every episode of that programming airing this entire week

WWE Rewind: Angle runs in on Cena, after the youngster “fired” Chris Jericho, just two weeks ago

Feature #5: Highlight from RAW: Kurt Angle confronts John Cena

Cena beckons on a rabid Angle, although Kurt pauses at ringside, wondering if he really wants to go through with this; Cena makes a homosexual joke because he’s “edgy” and Angle’s had about enough of this non-sense …. ANKLE LOCK!! But Cena powers out! Kurt bails! John is all kinds of FIRED UP as Kurt leaves via the stage ..

Todd believes Kurt to be among the most dangerous men on RAW, while advising us to save the eyeballs for last if we were to ever savour a ‘Spongebob’ popsicle. Todd Grisham, looking out for the little man.

Feature #6: Mick Foley’s latest novel, Scooter

Mick recently signed autographs of his book at a Barnes & Noble in New York, after a brief Q&A session that he found “insightful.” A young lady interviewed by WWE officials appreciates Foley’s work, while our television screen is inundated with recent praise for Mick’s latest offing; “a very entertaining, warm-hearted novel…” raves the Washington Post, while “The Best Review” considers Scooter to be a “…terrific historical saga…”

Up Next: Dave experiences the “Simon System”

Commercials:

-Upcoming RAW schedule; feel the action & intensity: Chattanooga, TN; Nashville, TN; Jonesboro, AR; Texarkana, AR; Monroe, LA. An experience like no other.
-‘Tim Burton’s Corpse Bride’ … does this guy have a fascination with anything other than the macabre?

Feature #7: The SmackDown! Lowdown

Mr. Kennedy … kennedy …. defeats Booker , while Sharmell & the Captain exchange words — Mr. Cannon apologises to Christy & Stacy — Sylvain Grenier believes himself to be more beautiful than either of them — Bob Holly doesn’t think much of Sylvain, and really doesn’t take well to being called “Bobby” — Long congratulates Cannon on his “booking” of this upcoming Friday night ..

Todd doesn’t like Cannon’s heel-leaning Network, what with giving JBL last Thursday off and everything.

Feature #8: Highlight from SmackDown!: Dave “The Animal” Batista vs. Simon Dean

Some middle-aged lady and her hot daughter hold up a sign reading ‘BATISTA THE SEXY ANIMAL.’

Another match-up we are deigned to view in its entirety!!

Dave says he cannot recall having ever used Simon’s product; that said, he is very conscious about his fitness and would be extremely excited to try it. Dean then passes him a drink, and Dave takes an approving sip …. he then gulps down some more! Dave quickly exclaims that he feels BIGGER! and STRONGER! And ………….. MORE AGGRESSIVE!

Ring that bell!

Big lariat by Dave, and he coaxes Simon ever closer …….. MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSSTA@!! Dave then polishes off another shake as Simon lies down grabbing his back, and Dave exhibits a Milton Bradley-esque state of Roid Rage as he goes thumbs down! BATISTA BOMB!! 1 ………… 2 ……………….. 3!!

Todd puts over the Batista-Layfield Bull Rope Match this Friday night.

Up Next: Hardy promises to take “Edge to hell” with him

Commercials:

-TNA on SpikeTV! Take that Vinnie Mac!!
-I have never seen so many people put so much hope in so small a company as the IWC has with NWA-TNA. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, it’s simply an interesting pseudo-societal phenomenon

Todd asks some dude sitting in a bench with his dog what he’d think if he were in Matt Hardy’s situation; this guy must think Todd is some kind of nut job.

Feature #9: Highlight from RAW: Street Fight Singles Contest: Matt Hardy vs. Edge w/ Lita

JIP …. Matt goes to the top rope for a Moonsault … no! Edge moves! Hardy lands his stomach flat on a STEEEEL ladder! Both men act completely exhausted whilst Lita kinda looks on with that vacant stare she has. Edge pastes Hardy with a right hand on the outside now, as the pair moves over toward the announce area; Edge has a garbage can! WHAMMM!! BOOOM!!! Two shots fell Hardy as Lita looks on quite pleased; King advises Hardy to “not chase – replace!!” but Matt simply lies on the floor allowing Edge to run in and corral with brazen left forearms; Edge thwacks Hardy all the way up the ramp, with Lita directing traffic ….. Hardy counters Edge, throwing him into the staging equipment! Hardy wants to powerbomb Lita off the stage!! Edge makes the save and rakes Hardy’s eyes! …..Hardy comes back with a Twist of Fa ….. no! Edge charges with a SPEA …… no!! Hardy counters into a SIDE EFFECT …………… off the entire STAGE@!! Electrical Equipment EXPLODES@$#!! as the referee screams to TURN THE POWER OFF!!

Todd informs us that “both men escaped serious injury.” Well that’s nice.

Up Next: Rey / Randy mega-clash

Commercials:

-“Forgot” to pick up the Cena CD, even though it came out 3.5 months ago? Well, you still can! That Bad, Bad, Man I hear it’s a jammin’ track with the most INNOVATIVE video in the history of video-ing! That Gary Coleman, what an accomplished actor! What a cad!
-I’m not sure the horse is dead yet.

Todd tells his cameraman to keep walking; that’s right Todd; take charge of the filmography of your scenes.

Feature #10: Highlight from SmackDown!: MAIN EVENT Singles Contest: “The Legend Killer” Randy Orton vs. Rey Mysterio, Jr.

JIP ….. Randy’s frustration is becoming increasingly evidenced by his physical demeanor, as he ventures up high, stares at Mysterio, and calls for the high elbow drop ……… BOOT TO RANDY’S GRILLE!! Orton falls against the middle rope! Rey crawls over to the opposing ropes to attempt to capitalize with the 619 …… no, Randy’s up! Kick, kick to the back of Randy’s left knee, again working that region; Rey off the ropes …. SPRINGBOARD Crossbody …….. 1 ………2 ………………… 2.73!! Forearm uppercut by Orton! 1 ………. 2 ……….. 2.44!! Rey gets hung up in the ropes; Orton approaches ……. Boot!! SPRINGBOARD BUTTDROP by Rey ……… 1 ……………..2 ……………… 2.72!! Both men are left with nothing to do but crawl about the mat, attempting to regain anything resembling a modicum of energy ………. Mysterio approaches …. Orton drops him into the NW turnbuckle! Orton with punches and an IW to the anterior corner; Randy runs in ….. Rey leaps with his back to Orton and yet still catches him in a headscissors! Randy’s stuck against the middle rope ………. 6 …1 …………. 9!! PUT THAT TEN CENT CHANGE ON THE FLO ……. No, Cowboy Bob trips him up! Lil’ Heb notices the funny business and goes to speak with Bob, as Rey leaps toward Orton ……. UPPERCUT TO MYSTERIO’S NUTS@#!!! Randy sets Rey atop the SW turnbuckle ……………. SUPER R.K.O. !$#!@!!!! 1 …………. 2 …………… 3!!!

Will Undertaker show up this Friday night (that’s so weird to type)? Todd thinks so! Also on SD!, it’s Benoit / Jordan III! Batista / JBL III! Mysterio / Guerrero in a Steel Cage! M.N.M. / LoD2005 II!

And that’s just on SmackDown! On RAW tomorrow night, we get Angle / Eugene III (I think) as well as Shawn Michaels undertaking the Masterlock challenge; Todd explains that he’ll explore Central Park all alone “since [he doesn’t] have too many friends” …… awwww, somebody HOOK THAT MAN UP!!