411’s WWE Experience Report 09.11.05

WWE Experience Report
September 11, 2005 A.D.
Live (?) from: Times Square, New York, NY
Host: Todd Grisham

On tap for ‘The Experience’:

– Comprehensive Review of Friday Night SD!
– Main Event Masterlock Challenge
– Travails of John Cena

Todd stands by the enormous Toys R Us store in downtown New York, whose new exhibit of WWE collectibles is entitled The WWE Experience Wait, that’s Todd’s show! And mine by proxy! Those dastardly corporate execs, we’ll show them …

Anyhow, Todd displays his indignation by sporting a pastel yellow dress shirt , that’a way Todd, that’a way.

Feature #1: Highlight from SD!: Singles Contest for the Heavyweight Championship of the United States of America: Orlando Jordan vs. Chris Benoit (c)

This match is shown in its entirety.

Orlando decks Benoit from the get-go! 1 …….2 ……….. NO! he’s not knocked out, thank goodness for Benoit’s safety and all, although Jordan does have him hung up against the ropes ……. No, Benoit comes FLYING back at Jordan and locks in the cross-face at 13.4 seconds! WILL ……… history …….. repeat ………. Itself ………. Twic ……….. YESS!!! Jordan taps out at 21.2 seconds, although the “official WWE time clock” records the victory at 22.5 secs.

Orlando now writhes about the ring canvas in demonstrable anguish, as ‘Our Lady Peace’ rings aloud the arena.

Todd: Orlando, I’m begging you to last a half-minute; is that too much?

Whoaa there … didn’t need to know that. Actually reminds me of a kid that roomed next door to me last year ….

Feature #2: The SmackDown! Lowdown

LoD2005 means business — Miss Perez distracts Heidenreich — Hot tag to Animal — Referee Corderis gets knocked unconscious — Perez brings the gold into the ring, only to be used by Animal on her boy Mercury — LoD2005 retains — Mr. Kennedy … kennedy takes out London via his Middle Rope Samoan Roll — Paul Burchill talks smack to Americans, and identifies himself as a merc — Fujiwara by Burchill leaves Scotty 2 Hotty in agony — UT calls out Randy Orton — Randy obliges, but merely leaves amidst a blaze of ignominy —

Up Next: Matt Hardy, loading burial ….. 86% complete

Commercials:

-Upcoming SmackDown! schedule; feel the action & intensity: Springfield, MO; Little Rock, AR; Tyler, TX; Amarillo, TX; Lubbock, TX. An experience like no other
-Ultimate Fighters use 4 letter nouns and descriptive adjectives toward one another; YOU MUST WATCH!
-I’d like Axe to describe to be the incredibly potent odorous properties of their shower gel, which enables its scent to seep through 3 layers of insulated flooring and ceiling.

Todd sneaks inside the Toys R Us, noting the Barbie exhibit will be a “must-visit” on his way out.

Feature #3: Highlight from RAW: Singles Contest: Matt Hardy vs. Gene Snitsky

JIP .. Snitsky forces Matt up against the turnbuckle, then slings him cross-ring and follows up with a running clothesline. Edge on the mic claims he marks “career suicide” for Matt Hardy; wouldn’t that be ‘homicide,’ and not ‘suicide’ if you’re the causative agent there buddy? Digressions aside, Gene waltzes right into a Matt Hardy Side Effect, and Matt crawls out of the entire ring, seeking out Edge at the announce table. Snitsky cuts him off, however, and slings him into the steel steps; back inside the ring, Snitsky connects with a spinning Uranage and nails down the 1, 2, 3.

Post-Match, Edge incites Snitsky to strike Hardy over the head with a ring bell, but later counsels the exact opposite in a sarcastic fashion; confusing commentary aside, Big Show comes out for the save, and I’m guessing a tag match for tomorrow night.

Up Next: Tomko’s Big Push!

Commercials:

-WWE continues to pimp the Cena cd, with one of the primary selling points being “tracks written by the Champ himself.” Yeah, I wouldn’t exactly be promoting that aspect.
-Some female high school basketball player notes that she’s never smoked pot. What, is dope smoking so prevalent that it’s now commendable and worthy of public advertising anytime someone chooses to abstain from it?

WWE Rewind: Cena talks smack to Angle; Angle attacks

Todd stands by a big Cena poster, using it as backdrop since he no longer has Ivory. *SNIFF* so sad. So, so sad.

Feature #4: Highlight from RAW: Singles Contest: Kurt Angle vs. Eugene

JIP .. Angle slams Eugene’s noggin’ into the SW turnbuckle, but he no-sells his way into numerous right hands and a MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSSTA and Angle’s in trouble. Eugene misses a spear, as Angle drops down to the floor and rings Eugene’s left knee into the ring post, then kicks Eugene’s left leg out from under him back in the ring ….. ANKLE LOCK!! Eugene taps out!

Post-Match, Kurt re-applies the Ankle Lock, this time adding a bit of a grapevine to it, so of course John Cena hits the ring for the ostensible save; he and Kurt exchange vicious rights, but Tyson Tomko comes from out of nowhere and explodes his right boot into the back of Cena’s head, knocking him out COLD.

… which leads to…

Feature #5: Highlight from RAW: Singles Contest: John Cena vs. Tyson Tomko

JIP .. Tomko’s in control as we pick this match up mid-way through, ripping Cena’s upper chest region apart with a measured lariat … Tomko now wants the boot …. WHIFF! Cena comes flying back with a clothesline! And another! Hip Toss by Cena! PROTO …. PLEX!! Tomko can’t see him! …….. F-TYSON ……. !! 1 ……….. 2 ………….. 3!

That entire ending is so contrived.

Post-match, Kurt ambushes Cena atop the stage, even throwing him head-long into the RAW set. That leaves a hurtin’ on Cena’s noggin, so of course Kurt obliges him by hitting the ……. ANGLE SLAM!! onto the stage. Cena just saw ‘real.’

Up Next: Guerrero’s revenge

Commercials:

-Upcoming RAW schedule; feel the action & intensity: Monroe, LA; Little Rock, AR; Oklahoma City, OK; Wichita Falls, TX; Waco, TX. An experience like no other.
-Nicolas Cage still tries to sell me on his arms-dealing capabilities; still not buying.

Feature #6: Singles Contest: Steel Cage Singles Contest: Eddie Guerrero vs. Rey Mysterio, Jr.

JIP … Rey makes a mad dash up the cage near the SE corner, but Eddie follows him right back up, and gets him in prime powerbomb position ….. no, Rey punches his way out and almost escapes! No, Eddie pulls him back into powerbomb position …… no, Rey HURRICANRANAS out!! Double KO .1 ……2 …….3 …………4 ….. we see the replay ….. 5 ………..6 ……. 7 … Rey climbs up the SE turnbuckle …..8 …..Rey is up, and once again climbing the corner, and Eddie once again gives chase by lasering in on his ankle …… Rey kicks Eddie off! Rey’s free to leave …. But no, he’s GOT to go for the big move, the TOP OF THE CAGE Cross-body …….. MISS!!! Eddie rolls away, and calls for the door, casually saunters on down the adjacent steps a bit and, as any cocky heel should, shrugs his shoulder as if to say “naw, don’t think so” and HEADS BACK IN. What’s he going to do?? FROG SPLASH!@!#!! 1 ………… 2 …………… 3!!!

Eddie didn’t run like a coward off a mistake from his opponent, no, he inflicted damage himself worthy of victory.

Up Next: One Cannot Escape the Masterlock

Commercials:

-Orton! Taker! This Friday Night!
-Man, it seems so weird typing that
–Cry_Wolf, opens movie theatres this Friday, September 16.
-I wonder if it’s the first motion picture to feature an underscore in its title.

Feature #7: RAW Action:

Carlito claims responsibility for bloodying Flair a couple weeks ago, completely blowing away a potentially ripe story line — Flair punks out Carlito, utilizing quite a bit of nut-holds — Ashley & Torrie engage in combat, blown spots excluded, even though JR does describe it as “bowling shoe ugly” — Cade & Murdoch pound away on the Superheroes, with Murdoch scoring the victory —

Todd applauds the efforts of the youngin’s, while counseling them to avoid getting a big head over their success. The kinda big head that’s on this guy …

Feature #8: Highlight from RAW: Masterlock Challenge: ‘HBK’ Shawn Michaels as Harry Houdini

Shown in its entirety … Masters locks in his hold, as Michaels struggles mightily, thrashing his legs about like a beached carp. Shawn backs Masters into a corner, though Chris works his way back to the centre of the ring; now, Michaels runs into the opposing corner and catapults his way back out, using his legs, and landing Masters on his back! Can he break it?? Michaels runs into another corner, but still now dice, and it appears he’s beginning to fade. The lock actually broke there, but Masters quickly re-gripped. Michaels comes back to life and rams Masters’ back into the NE corner, again catapulting himself to the canvas atop the Masterpiece, but the hold is STILL intact. Michaels now reaches his vertical base and flays about like a psycho, but Masters still holds on. Michaels begins to falter, reaching down to his knees, now he’s almost entirely out …… no! Michaels reaches his feet and KICKS MASTERS SQUAR’ in the nuts!!

Masters is having absolutely NONE of that, and throws Shawn down, appropriating a chair for himself and BUSTING Michaels open with it before re-applying the Masterlock and HBK is UNCONSCIOUS.

So, the hold’s still never been broken; that was indeed a voluntary release by the Masterpiece.

Up Next: World Heavyweight Championship, hanging in the balance

Commercials:

-Catch NWA-TNA on Spike, beginning Saturday, October 1.
-Hmm, you don’t hear Vince complaining about Spike airing TNA ads on ‘XP’ do you?
-Strange that is …
-Oh yeah, that would be the 0.5 rating it generates. Thanks

Feature #9: Dave visits Toys R Us

Dave was on hand for the opening of Toys R Us of Times Square’s new “WWE Experience” exhibit, as many fans were on hand for the event; WWE officials interview the two attractive females in attendance, who sound like they’re from overseas and were simply enveloped within the enormous crowd surrounding the store.

Todd laments his not having an action figure, like all the other stars of the WWE. I’m so with Todd on this one.

Feature #10: Highlight from SD!: : MAIN EVENT Texas Bull Rope Singles Contest for the Heavyweight Championship of the World: John Bradshaw Layfield vs. Dave Batista

JIP .. Dave has JBL up on his shoulders now, simply carrying him counter-clockwise through the various corners, reaching his THIRD now … ohh, JBL floats out and RINGS Dave’s skull silly with the cowbell. Dang, that thing’s getting some use tonight. Layfield now bends over the sunken carcass of Dave Batista, regaling him with right hands and calling for the Clothesline from Hell …….. no, Dave regains composure! Dave lariats JBL down! Dave ravages JBL’s back with hard strikes via the cowbell …… DEMON SPAWN BOMB FROM NERGAL & ERISHKIGAL’S DOMAIN@!! and JBL’s nasal region is busted open hard-way via the cowbell!#!

Batista now locks JBL in behind him, using the cowbell to surround both men’s neck regions, and hauls him around the various corners of the ring, again moving in a counter-clockwise direction, given our camera’s perspective. As Batista makes his rounds, however, JBL of course accompanies him, and he lights his green lights along the way, just as Dave lights his reds; should make for an interesting situation come the final corner ….. and all three for both men are now lit! JBL makes his move now, realizing all along he’d be just one step from victory, as he elbows Dave in the side of his gut, and using the leverage of the rope to pull Batista backward ….. Dave overpowers Layfield now, pulling him back over his head, but that maneuver simply lands JBL between Dave and the final corner! JBL dives with all his might towards that elusive SW corner, reaching his hand ever closer … he can almost touch it…. It’s right there ….. Dave pulling him back with all the fibre in those Bonds-like biceps ….. and eventually reigning him in to a ……… SPINEBUSSTA@!!! Dave springs towards the final turnbuckle……. Yes, he’s got it! Batista retains the Championship!!

Todd plays with Batista & JBL action figures, while narrating in a faint falsetto; Batista pins JBL! Ohh, what, JBL’s trying to kiss Batista! No, he’s not having any of that!! ……. What? Are we rolling??

Todd attempts to reclaim his masculinity by commandeering a Barbie doll and promising a great Triple Threat match; unfortunately we shan’t be able to be around for that.

Have a great week, everyone!!