411’s WWE Raw Report 01.22.07

Ever have one of those days? First day back at work after my January holiday and it just sucked. Ended up running over time thanks to a lack of staff and busting my ass for no good reason. Hey, breaks from work are there to refresh me not make me feel worse about going back. I was fine for about 3 hours or so too. Damn staff. Stop being sick! You’re fine! Then I get in and there are messages. Oh, how there are messages. Basically, without boring you with details, something that already cost me 30 English pounds is going to cost me another 30 thanks to a minor administrative error. Entirely my fault, didn’t read something carefully. I might as well of taken that 30 quid and pissed it up the wall. Which oddly enough is what I wanted to do with it. Here, I don’t want my money anymore. Just take it. Now I have the horror of my next day off being about nine days away. Having to scramble around to sort this other matter out urgently before I miss a window of opportunity. If I actually wait for my next day off I’ll be fucked. Then that’ll be another piss load of money gone for no good reason and no return. I’ve been attempting some serious positivity since the New Year but I’ll be damned if today has just really left me feeling deflated.

Anyway, on with the show. Here’s the MOTY standings…

Match of the year –

1. Jeff Hardy v Johnny Nitro ***1/2 (NYR)
2. Chris Benoit v Chavo Guerrero ***1/4 (SD)
3. Mr Kennedy v Chris Benoit ***1/4 (SD)

Another ***+ match from Smackdown. I figure Joe-Angle should probably make that list but ultimately won’t win MOTY so it’s not a big concern that I missed it.

Worst match of the year –

1. “Donald Trump” v “Rosie O’Donnell” (RAW)
2. John Cena v Kevin Federline (RAW)
3. Maria v Melina (RAW)

Nothing was actively bad on either RAW or Smackdown this week. As much as I’d love to be including other shows in the voting I’ve not really seen anything great on them, or anything terrible. ECW has been worryingly mediocre for a while now. Pretty much since Paul Heyman left.

We’re in Lafayette, Louisiana and because I’ll forget Smackdown is taped in Mobile, Alabama tomorrow. Hosts this evening are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler.

In Memory of Scott “Bam Bam” Bigelow. 1961-2007. RIP.

CLIPS – Last week. Shawn getting a measure of revenge for Triple H’s torn quad by Conchairtoing Randy Orton. We’re reminded that Rated RKO laid out both Jim Duggan and Ric Flair last week.

PROMO TIME – Shawn Michaels

He’s still using the DX music. He says he felt a feeling he thought he’d lost last week. He felt he could overcome any odds again. He felt he could beat up any bully. He says he’s spent the past few years trying to supress all that but it stops today. He wants to take on the odds, take on obstacles. The Showstopper is back. Shawn thinks he can be WWE champion again. He points out Sunday is the Royal Rumble and winner gets to main event Wrestlemania. He’s taking his new reborn passion into that match against 29 guys. He says no mortal man can stop him fulfilling his destiny. He’s interupted by EDGE. Just Edge, no Orton. Edge also has a feeling for Shawn. That’s disappointment, depression even. He tells Shawn he isn’t going to win the Rumble and main event Wrestlemania because that’s his spot. He wants to be WWE champion again. Shawn tells him to shut up and calls him out right now. Edge decides to go for it and we get a brawl around ringside. The brawl hits the crowd and they’re throwing some pretty decent shots in there.

BACKSTAGE after we return from the break Edge & Shawn are still fighting. Some innocent pipes get knocked over while the referees try to break this up. THE COACH arrives to tell them to hold Edge down and get Shawn in his locker room.

JEFF HARDY v JOEY MERCURY w/Johnny Nitro/Melina

This is a “special” Raw vs Smackdown challenge match. Not clear who challenged who. No Matt Hardy out here. Jeff with a pescado on MNM pre-bell. Mercury still has his furs on. Mercury recovers quickly and throws Hardy outside. Nitro exposes the floor and Jack Doan athletically ejects him from ringside. Melina and her boobs are gone too. Mercury wails away and gets a facelock. His intention would be to also injure Jeff’s face like he did to Matt on Friday. Jeff with a flying forearm and the Whisper in the Wind. No pin. Twist of Fate gets 3 at 2.23.

Winner: Jeff Hardy via pinfall. Poor Joey, still a jobber. The idea here was Joey took a bump on his face. Hence the pain. JR points out these guys have a match at the PPV on Sunday.

BACKSTAGE Mr McMahon looks unhappy. Coach comes in to say he has everything under control. “It got a little crazy out there”. He wants to throw these guys out of the arena. Vince has a different idea. He wants to see a match and books Edge v Shawn Michaels in a street fight. He’s out to make another announcement of his own.

PROMO TIME – Vince McMahon

…if this is about Donald fucking Trump again….

Coach is out here too trailing six feet behind at Mr McMahon’s insistence. Vince has another letter. His return letter to the Donald (oh for fuck’s sake). Vince goes straight for the cheap heat. He thinks the Apprentice could be doing better if he, Vince McMahon, were to guest star on it. He thinks ratings would soar with him on it. He’s been on TV for over 35 years and people watch his TV shows to see him. He carries the ratings for RAW. The crowd starts “WHAT”ing along with his promo. Apparently people all over the world love Vince. He loves us back. As a token of his appreciation…”asshole” – fans…”you’re making it tough for me to show my love for you now”. Out comes JOHN CENA. He wants to know what Vince is doing with the Brother Love act. Cena calls him a “pussbag” and says last week he said he didn’t care what the fans think. Cena points out Vince doesn’t listen to the fans at all. He points out Vince is obsessed with Donald Trump. He talks about Vince’s obsession with DX and how badly that worked out for him; head up Big Show’s ass. Cena doesn’t think he won that feud. Cena brings up the XFL. So why would Vince want to kiss up to Donald Trump? Coach gets in with a line about how Donald Trump is a bigger egomaniac than Vince. Cena says they’re both shameless self promoters. Cena says something about expensive hair. Coach tries to defend Vince again but upsets him by saying that Trump has more money. Vince says Trump has nothing more than he has. Vince is upset with Cena coming out here and books him in a tune up match against…The Coach.

CHRIS MASTERS v SUPER CRAZY

Crazy provoked this match by attacking Masters during the Masterlock challenge last week. We get a promo from Crazy where he talks in Spanish about why he attacked Masters. It’s because he’s “super…and crazy. I’m Super Crazy”. Masters takes offence at Crazy being out here and pounds him. Crazy comes back with a crossbody for 2. He nearly gets slapped into the Masterlock but slides out so Masters grabs his legs into the OCEAN CYCLONE! Hello! Backbreaker. Knee to the spine and a chinlock. Crazy waves his arms around looking for crowd support. Little is forthcoming. Crazy battles out and runs into a…nothing. That gets 2. Lawler has used the word ‘funny’ on commentary at least a dozen times already here. Crazy with a back elbow and a spinning heel kick. Dropkick to the knee then the face. “He’s all jacked up on Mountain Dew” – Lawler. Missile dropkick and the standing moonsault gets 2. Crazy misses a charge and the Masterlock is on. Crazy pushes off the ropes and gets the Bret Hart Wrestlemania 8 pin at 3.45.

Winner: Super Crazy via pinfall. Fuck up’s aside, of which there were several, I quite enjoyed that. Good finish.

BACKSTAGE Coach kisses up to Vince. “You are so rich”. Vince wants to show his appreciation for the WWE fans next week. Coach tries to get out of tonight’s match but Vince isn’t the kind of guy to change his mind. Match is still on.

SHILL – Wrestlemania 23. 69 days away. Dude.

BACKSTAGE Shawn tapes up his fists.

ELSEWHERE Maria interviews Kenny Dykstra. He’s in his first Rumble this Sunday. He says he’ll make history as the youngest ever winner then the youngest ever Wrestlemania main eventer. Maria isn’t sure he can get the job done. Kenny says he beat Flair three times. He says this is going to be his year.

ELSEWHERE Edge gets ready but in comes RANDY ORTON with a huge amount of injury make up. He talks about all the abuse he took last week. Orton is quite angry with Edge for leaving him for dead for the Conchairto. Orton tells Edge he should have been there for him. He says the Rumble is every man for himself too. Edge wants to know if Orton wants revenge tonight or not. Orton tells him to wait and see what happens.

SHILL – “Ladies and Gentlemen” by Saliva. Which is Wrestlemania’s theme music.

JOHN CENA v JONATHON COACHMAN

Coach has a mic. He says he can’t change the match but seeing as Vince has gone he’s booking Cena in another match first. The spirit of the Rumble will be captured here tonight. He’ll send wrestlers out here to throw John Cena over the top rope. After he’s been thrown over the top then Coach will come out here. So here’s Coach’s boys – Cade & Murdoch. Cena gets beaten down and stomped. Cade hits a running neckbreaker. Coach signals for someone else as Cena fires back. Murdoch gets kicked in the balls. Flying shoulderblock. Clotheslines. Protobomb for Cade. Murdoch gets FU’d over the top at 1.51. Cade can’t see him. Five Knuckle Shuffle. Coach is fed up with this and sends out Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas. And Viscera. They all beat on the fallen Cena until Vis drops the big elbow. Oh and out comes the Great Khali as well. Shelton explains what Khali should do so he lays him out. Khali throws Shelton out at 3.39. Haas at 3.47. Cade at 3.55. Vis attacks him. Khali drops him with a huge overhand right. Big boot. Crowd are getting into Khali. He dumps Vis at 4.18 with one arm. Cena is up top and hits a flying shoulderlock but he bounces off. Khali trhows him out at 4.44. So Khali wins the Invitational Rumble Warm Up match thing.

After the bell has sounded Khali runs Cena into the ring steps. Khali continues to club away. He’s sufficiently happy with his achievement and walks. Coach jumps in there and pins for 2. Cena is back up. He calls Coach to get him but in comes UMAGA with Armando Estrada do it’s a DQ at 6.36. Umaga with the wind up urinage. Coach and Estrada have a table. Samoan Spike! Estrada directs traffic. Umaga goes up top and splashes Cena through the table. Estrada helpfully counts Cena out to demonstrate how easy it’ll be for Umaga to win the Last Man Standing. FOR SAMOA!

Winner: John Cena via DQ.

POST MATCH it takes Cena the entire ad break to stand up. Officials spend a few more minutes helping Cena get backstage.

CANDICE MICHELLE/MICKIE JAMES v MELINA PEREZ/VICTORIA

Candice is back from her broken nose 2 months ago. Victoria has a new shirt – “Widows Peak Freak”. Candice has had “cosmetic surgery”. No shit. She looks pissed off at Victoria. Melina takes over on Mickie to start. Mickiecanarana to come back. Melina complains of a bad arm to the ref allowing Victoria to grab Mickie by the hair. The heels do the “make a wish” leg seperation. Mickie doesn’t look too pained by that. Victoria cheap shots Mickie with the Candice nosebreaker kick. That gets 2. Victoria misses in the corner and gets confused as to who her opponents are. Candice tags in and starts with the hair biels. Victoria kicks in the face again. Mickie prevents the Widows Peak. Mickie with a Thesz Press to the floor on Melina. Candice hits a sloppy spin kick off the top for the pin at 3.08.

Winners: Mickie James/Candice Michelle via pinfall. That sucked HARD. Candice is looking REALLY thin these days.

CARLITO w/Torrie Wilson v KENNY DYKSTRA

Torrie has Chloe with her and is BARELY covering her jugs. Even JR remarks about them, that’s how prominent they are. They do some eye poke feigning in the corner. Not sure what that’s about. Carlito with a clothesline and a dropkick. Carlito misses in the corner so Kenny drags him over by his hair. Short arm clothesline from Dykstra and he rolls through into another one. Flying back elbow gets 2. Carlito misses with a quebrada but takes Kenny over with punches. Running kneelift and another good clothesline. Rana gets 2. Springboard back elbow and a sunset flip but Kenny cuts it off into a near falls and Kenny pulls the tights for the pin at 3.33.

Winner: Kenny Dykstra via pinfall

BACKSTAGE Cryme Tyme try to sell Super Crazy and Eugene numbers in the Royal Rumble. Crazy is happy with the number he bought. JTG has a special number for Eugene…BAM! Its #30. Shad tells him it’s a bad number. He wants #1 instead. They get him to chant “I’m number one”. Shad reveals off camera the numbers they’re selling aren’t actual numbers. They then run a sight gag involving Ron Simmons buying a copy of Edvard Munch’s The Scream, which is also not real. DAMN.

SHILL – “Drones” by Rise Against It. The Rumble theme music. JR & King run down the card. Rumble match, Dave v Kennedy, Lashley v Test, Cena v Umaga. JR tells us Cena may have a ruptured spleen.

BACKSTAGE Shawn Michaels walks. The street fight is next.

Street Fight – Edge v Shawn Michaels

Raw is in Dallas next week. You can still get tickets. Another brawl to start. Shawn has his belt off and whips Edge across the ribs with it. The same ribs he injured with Sledgey last week. Belt shot to the head! Shawn bails for furniture. Oh he has a chair and a trashcan. The latter hits Edge in the head. Shawn clotheslines Edge outside. Shawn goes for a pescado but Edge nails him in the face with the trashcan lid. Damn it, ad break. Shawn blades during the break. Possibly off the spot right before the break. During the break Edge gets the steps in the ring and smacks Shawn’s head off those. Shawn fires back with punches to the ribs. They both have a wounded body part. Edge with a ladder, which he SUPERPLEXES onto Shawn. Now Shawn has a bad arm too. Pin gets 2. Edge bridges two sets of ring steps with the ladder. He goes for a powerbomb but Shawn punches out of it. Back to the brawling then and they trade big punches until Shawn goes to the chops. Edge boots him in the mid section but Shawn comes back with a flying forearm. Shawn nips up. Atomic drop. Shawn grabs a chain and chokes at Edge with it. He bounces his head off the buckles then punches him with a chained up fist. Edge is busted too. Edge gets slammed on that ladder bridging the steps. Shawn slides underneath it and goes up top. Uh oh. This is gonna hurt. Edge cuts him off. They fight on top over the ladder. Edge gets dumped off with a front suplex onto the ladder. Ouch. Shawn with the Savage Elbow. He’s all fired up. The band tunes up but Edge ducks it and boosts Shawn up. Shawn lands on his neck off an Electic Chair style move. Edge lines up the spear but runs into the Thesz Press. Shawn with a chair and he waffles Edge with it. Shawn sets the chair up for a Conchairto. Both guys are bleeding. Here’s RANDY ORTON. Out of nowhere with the RKO on Shawn. Edge with the cover and that’s the pin at 14.03.

Winner: Edge via pinfall. ***1/2. If it had a finish and some cleaner spots it was four. The run in doesn’t wash too well with me. Still kudos for the effort.

POST MATCH Orton throws Edge over the top rope. As if to send a message that its every man for himself and he can beat Edge in that match. He goes for the revenge Conchairto on Shawn but RIC FLAIR runs out here and starts low blowing Orton like its going out of fashion. KENNY DYKSTRA attacks him. CARLITO attacks Kenny. Shawn and Orton are brawling again. SUPERKICK for everyone. Especially Orton who flies over the top.

I’m back with Smackdown on Friday. See ya then.