411’s WWE Raw Report 01.24.05

Last Monday, Kane and Gene Snitsky fell off a stage and got hurt, breaking some tables! “Kane just took Snitsky to hell with him!”

Intro video. PYRO! We are on the way to the Royal Rumble and – believe it – LIVE in front of a raucous crowd in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma! JR and King are your hosts.

Promised for tonight
– Randy Orton vs Ric Flair!
– A Stone Cold Steve Austin update!

But we start with Shawn Michaels, once again a face just down the road from his hometown of San Antonio. We have a six-man tag to open the show. We get highlights of Shawn Michaels overcoming Edge, Tyson Tomko, the peepulation, “Vigilant” Mike Chioda, a horde of rabid beavers and the Toronto Maple Leafs’ defense to beat Christian at the ACC before getting beaten down by Edge.

Match #1: Shawn Michaels, Chris Jericho and Chris Benoit vs Christian, Tyson Tomko and Edge

Shawn and Christian start. Shawn gets a headlock. Christina sends him into the ropes, btu Shawn gets a shouldebrlock, cheapshots Edge, and uses a right to drop Christian. Shawn gets an armwringer and tags in Benoit. Benoit beats on Christian in the corner with forearms, but Christian reverses ad gets kicks to the gut. Christian uses a whip. Benoit baseball slides over. Christian reverses the crossface with an armwriner, but Benoit gets a bridging Northern Lights suplex for two. Christian uses clubbing blows to the back and tags in Tomko, who tries a Doctor Bomb, but Benoit sneaks out the back door and hits a series of chops. The faces triple-team Tomko. Jericho tags in. Benoit and Jericho use a double-team whip and shoulderblock Tomko. Tomko gets a chokehold on Y2J and tosses him into the corner, but misses a blind charge and eats a running dropkick. He shoves Jericho down anyway but runs into a drop toe hold. Jericho stomps on the back of Tomko’s head and hits a running forearm, but Tomko gets a kick and tries a military press slam. Jericho gets a schoolboy to reverse for two, then tries the Walls. This provokes a Pier VI brawl as everyone jumps into the fray. The faces dump Edge and Tomko, and Christian ends up getting tossed into his teammates by Jericho and Benoit. The faces control the ring! The heels are regrouping on the outside! You know what that means. Great action so far. (2:51)

Ad Break ends (5:51)

During the break, the heels got the advantage, isolating Chris Benoit. Christian tags in, but Benoit chops him hard to knock him down. Shawn tags in and hits a Manhattan drop. Then he hits a chop on Christian. Christian reverses a whip and gets rights, but Shawn comes back with chops. Christian bails into the corner and gets kicks to the gut and a punch. Christian uses a whip, and HBK flips to the outside. Edge helpfully puts him back in, begs for a tag, and gets it. Edge hits a hard right. He gets more rights in the corner. Shawn comes back with rights of his own. Shawn knocks Edge down… into the evil corner, where Shawn gets double-teamed by Christian and Tomko. Christian tags in with a neckbreaker for two. He goes to the mounted punches. Tomko tags in, gets more punches and hits a running elbow. He covers for two before Jericho breaks it up. A sign proclaims that Tomko is Christian’s pet goat. Edge tags in and gets punches in the corner, but Shawn reverses with chops. Edge gets a double-leg out of the corner and bails. Christian tags un, hits his snapmare and gets a chinlock. Shawn gets to his feet and fights out. Christian gets a right and runs the ropes right into a Thesz press. Shawn tries to make the tag, but Christian pops him with a right and grabs one leg. He pulls Shawn to the evil corner. Tomko tags in, gets a running elbow, and hits more punches. He gets a running powerslam for two. Earl Hebner is your ref, by the way. Edge tags in and gets a standing dropkick. He mocks Shawn’s pose. Edge gets punches and covers for two. Christian tags in with more stomping. He taunts Jericho, who stupidly accidentally distracts Hebner. Shawn gets an inside cradle, but the distraction makes Hebner get to the cover late, and Christian kicks out at one. (Thumbs down to the announcers for failing to mention that Jericho and Christian used to be a team, and neither one really like Shawn that much). Christian gets a chinlock. Shawn comes back with punches to the gut and chops, but Christian tries the Unprettier. Shawn reverses, and a reversal sequence ends with a double clothesline! Hot tag Benoit and Tomko tags in! Clothesline from Benoit! Shoulderblock! Big German release suplex! Snap suplex for Christian. Then he suplexes Edge onto Christian. Jericho uses the springboard dropkick to take out Tomko, then planchas him. Benoit hits the rolling Germans on Christian. Snot rocket, up he goes… and the headbutt hits! Sharpshooter, but Edge breaks it up. Shawn runs in and dumps Edge. Christian is gone. Tomko tries the big boot on Benoit, but he ducks it. And Tomko runs into Sweet Chin Music! He stumbles into a schoolboy from Benoit, which gets the three.

Winners: Shawn Michaels, Chris Benoit & Chris Jericho via pinfall (13:37)

I’d make some sort of joke about the match time, but I’ve got a Smackdown highlight package to get to.

Smackdown Rebound: Kurt Angle apologizes for abducting Joy Giovanni. He gets trapped between Big Show and Bradshaw’s stable… and then shakes hands with Bradshaw. Each heel’s big stable attacks Show, who gets annihilated.

Backstage, Stacy Keibler heads to the ring with a surprise.

Ad Break.

We get clips from Hulk Hogan appearing on the Tonight Show with the great Johnny Carson in 1985.

Here is Stacy Keibler to make a statement. “Today is a special day in the state of Oklahoma.” Pop. “The governor proclaimed that today is Jim Ross Day!” Pop. “And here to help us celebrate this honor is a longtime hero of JR’s, the legendary Danny Hodge.” He’s an Oklahoma college wrestling legend, a three-time NCAA champ. “Without further ado, it is my honor to introduce to you one of the greatest wrestling personalities of all, and Oklahoma’s own… Jim Ross!” Boomer Sooner plays, and JR hits the ring. He tips the hat to the crowd and soaks in the cheers. JR hugs Hodge.

“JR, we would all like to be a part of your celebration today, so… roll the footage.” JR: “Oh boy.” It turns out to be highlights of the proclamation of today as Jim Ross Day.

Stacy wants to add something special to that proclamation: a kiss.

JR gets the stick. “Any Sooners in the house?” Um, yeah. “I love my Sooners. With all my heart. I love the people of Oklahoma. I wish my Mom and Dad could be here tonight to see this. It would touch their hearts, but I know they’re watching, and I love them, but I miss them.”

Time to play the game. Here are Triple H & Ric Flair to rudely interrupt the proceedings.

HHH slaps the hand. “Oh god. Whoo! Uh-uh. [Tears] It’ll bring a tear to a glass eye. Oh man. Oh. Oklahoma and JR Day. Can you believe it, Naitch? Oklahoma celebrating JR Day!” Pop. “That – that is like crap telling puke it smells good.” Boos. “Ha-ha! Come on. Seriously. Are you guys that big losers that you’ve got nothing going on but Jim Ross? You asked it, but I’ll ask it. Any Sooners here? Naitch – what was the score of the last Sooners game?” “Uh, Southern California 55, Oklahoma Sooners 19.” “Oh-hohohohoho! Hey! That’s – that’s the kind of game you leave at the end of the third quarter, you know what I’m saying, JR? Oh my God. Are you people serious? Listen to me. You guys want something to celebrate, how about, how about this – how about HHH Day?” Boos. “How about a day for the 10-time World Heavyweight Champion. That, that would be a celebration! Yeah. Now, JR, I’m sorry to interrupt ya, and I know this little hayseed celebration is a big deal to you here, but I have some business to attend to, so why don’t you take Father Time here and run along? Go on.”

Stacy helps JR and Hodge out. “You suck,” says the crowd. “Hold on, Stacy. Not you. See, you, Stacy, are part of the business I want to take care of. You see what I”m saying? Stacy, you-” JR comes back and says that, as a man, he’s not going to leave HHH and Stacy alone. “Maybe you didn’t hear me, JR, hey, maybe you didn’t hear me. I said to go away.” HHH questions JR’s manhood. “Soomer Boomer, huh? Run along, JR. What was that saying you said? Sooner born, Sooner bred, you keep going, JR? Sooner than later, you’re gonna be dead.”

Flair nutshots JR.

HHH resumes the talking. “You see, JR, that’s your kind of thing that…”

Hodge clocks Flair! But HHH gets the edge back, and Flair joins in the beatdown. Stacy tries to bolt, but HHH grabs her. “See, Stacy, maybe you didn’t understand me.” This is HHH day, so he wants a kiss like JR got. “I’m not asking you – I’m telling you. You know what, Stacy, on second thought, I’ve got a better idea for you.” He sets up the Pedigree, baiting Randy Orton out for the save. The heels run. Orton stares them down.

Ad Break.

An uncontrollable lunatic has tormented the deadman with a psychotic vendetta, but this isn’t about titles; this is about one man’s ultimate demise. Undertaker! Heidenreich! A casket match at the Royal Rumble!

Backstage, Ric Flair praises Triple H for being such a great person. They pass one of the new women and touch her. She is unimpressed and runs off. HHH: “She wants it.” They meet Batista backstage to tell the story of what happened. First they nutshotted JR. Then they took out Danny Hodge. Batista isn’t particularly impressed with any aspect of HHH’s accomplishments: “Danny Hodge? How old is that guy?” “Oh, I dunno… ancient!” Then he tried to Pedigree Stacy, but Orton came out with a selfish save.

Speaking of selfishness, Batista has been pontificating on getting a Rumble qualifying match, and decided to accept it. HHH doesn’t like it. They talked. HHH said the main focus is that the World Title stay in Evolution. If on some off chance Orton beats the H’s on Sunday, he will face Batista at WM21, at which point the belt will go back to Evolution. “So we got all the bases covered! Oh – I gotta go talk to Bischoff. See ya.”

Backstage, William Regal asks Eric Bischoff for a Rumble spot, or a qualifying match. Jonathan Coachman is there too. Bischoff remembers Regal’s disloyalty when dealing with Eugene last year, though, so he gives the spot to someone who deserves the spot and has always been loyal to him: Coach. And Coach vows to do anything Bisch wants tonight. Coach: “You won’t regret it.” Bischoff: “I already do…”

La Rйsistance walk in to demand a spot. Dave Batista does likewise. Batista says he wants in. Grenier has a brilliant idea! “La Rйsistance challenge Batista for a spot in the Royal Rumble. La Rйsistance win, we’re both in it, but if Batista wins – he’s in it.” Bischoff doesn’t like it, but Batista’s cool with it. “That’s OK – I’ll beat them both.” Conway says he’s gonna shove his Quйbec flag down Batista’s throat when he wins. Batista vows to stick the flag somewhere else when he wins. Off he goes.

Ad Break.

JR has reassumed his announce position. We run down the promised events of tonight.

Jonathan Coachman is in the ring with Tajiri, who is expecting a qualifying match. But he gets met with a surprise: “The following Royal Rumble Qualifying Match … has been changed to an Over the Top Rope Challenge!”

Tajiri’s opponent? Viscera. Tajiri is not excited.

Match #2: Tajiri vs Viscera
Over the Top Rope Challenge; Royal Rumble Qualifying Match

Tajiri goes straight to the mist, but that doesn’t do much. Vis shoves him down and tosses him 24 seconds in.

Winner: Viscera via elimination (0:24)

Ad Break.

Backstage, Maria confronts Tajiri, who is disappointed to have not qualified for the Rumble. She asks him how he feels. William Regal tells him he has a plan to get back at Bischoff. But first, he asks Maria if she has something to ask him. “No, not really.” Regal says it’s just the start of something… and we never hear where he’s going, as they head off to get their revenge.

Our show is brought to you by, among other sponsors, Zingy – the place to get YOUR very own Drop It Like It’s Hot ringtone.

Match #3: DAVE Batista contre la Rйsistance
Royal Rumble Qualifying Match

I still can’t get over how they pronounce Grenier’s name “Graw-NYAY.” That’s French for “to groan.” Actually, maybe they have a point. “O Cana…” He doesn’t even get that far, as Batista murders him with a clothesline from behind and beats on Conway in the ring. He tries the DAVEBOMB, but Grenier runs in to break that up. Batista pounds him in the corner with rights and shoulder thrusts. DAVE uses a hard whip into the corner. Conway collapses. Batista runs into the corner but misses the blind charge, and Grenier uses an armbar takedown for two. Both heels are in the ring at the same time, legal according to the rules of this match. They use a lot of stomping and slapping, but Batista shoves Conway down with one hand and powerslams Grenier. Backstage, Ric Flair is excited. Batista pounds on Conway in the corner, then murders Grenier with the LARIAT OF DECAPITATION. Batista hits the big spinebuster on Conway into Grenier, and pins both heels at the same time for the convincing win.

Winner: DAVE Batista via pinfall (2:08)

Batista stands on the second turnbuckle and looks into the crowd pensively. Then he gets a flag and ponders what to do with it. So he plants the flag in Conway’s derriиre, poses one more time to show that he is indeed a man of his word, and heads out.

Flair thinks that was amazing. HHH is transfixed. He decides to go for a walk. “Speaking of impressive, I got something impressive I gotta do right now.” “Where ya going? Champ?”

Ad Break.

Another Rumble qualifier is up next…

Match #4: Muhammad Hassan (w/ Khosrow Daivari) vs Val Venis
Royal Rumble Qualifying Match

Our hosts shudder at the thought of Muhammad Hassan main-eventing Wrestlemania. I’m a Sean Morley fan, but this may be a challenge to Muhammad’s streak of awesome heat. Daivari yells something at Val’s music and taunts Val. Hassan attacks before the bell as Venis stands on the second turnbuckle. Stomping! Elbows! Hassan hits a vertical suplex and keeps stomping as Daivari continues to give a running commentary on Hassan’s match over the microphone. Hassan hits a back suplex into a backbreaker. “Break his neck! Lynch it! Rip it! Rip it!” Back to his language. JR duly reminds us that Daivari and Hassan don’t represent all Arab-Americans, even though they say that they do. Daivari grabs Venis, who gets a chop anyway, but Daivari keeps the offense coming with punches and such. Hassan introduces Val to his fearsome array of bodyslams and goes back to the stomping. Then stomping to the head. Then the camel clutch. Val doesn’t give up, so Hassan goes to a front headlock, but Val gets to his feet. “Stay on him, Muhammad!… NO! NO! NO! NO!” Val gets a clothesline to Hassan. Khosrow shouts encouragement to Muhammad, but Val gets punches and chops and such. Hassan reverses a whip, but Val gets a clothesline, shoulderblock and running elbow. But Val walks into a kick. Hassan tries the Finishing Touch, but Val gets Blue Thunder out of nowhere for 2. More encouragement from Daivari can’t save Hassan from a half-nelson slam! Val’s feeling it. He attacks Daivari to knock him off the apron. Daivari runs away. Val goes up with the Money Shot, but Hassan gets out of the way. “Capitalize!” Finishing Touch. One, two, three.

Winner: Muhammad Hassan via pinfall (4:41)

Camel Clutch to add injury to insult. Daivari promises that Hassan will win the Rumble. Our announcers seriously speculate on that happening.

Backstage, Batista gets props from Ric Flair, and more subdued props from Triple H. HHH says that at the Rumble, Evolution needs to cover all its bases. HHH convinced Bischoff to give the one missing spot at the Rumble to a legend who doesn’t need to qualify; a man that’s an icon like Shawn Michaels, a past Royal Rumble Winner. That last spot is gonna go to the Nature Boy, Ric Flair. Batista is bemused but doesn’t care. Flair says that he thought Evolution was concentrating on Orton, but HHH says that just like in his match against Orton tonight, Flair is gonna carry the torch for Evolution if… by some chance… Batista gets eliminated. They huddle.

Ad Break.

In the ring, Maven has great news! “Eric Bischoff has been kind enough to give me – ME – a second chance at gettin’ into the Royal Rumble! Yeah. It’s great. So I’m out here right now and challenging anybody – anybody! – who’s already qualified for the Rumble to come out here and face me right NOW. And you see the way it works. If I win – actually, when I win, I take his spot. It’s that simple. It’s that simple. So if there’s anyone back there who wants to answer my challenge, come down here right now.”

Nothing.

“Oh, I see how it is. There’s absolutely no one back there with the guts enough to come down and give me another chance. No chance.”

PYRO! Kane saunters out, selling the leg injury from last week. Maven doesn’t like this. “What the hell are you doing here? I did not mean you. Actually, Kane, look at you – you are in no shape to be fighting me. You are in no shape to be – I did not mean you. I meant anybody else.” Maven invites anybody else.

IT WASN’T MY FAULT!

Gene Snitsky heads out, also selling his injuries. “Vigilant” Mike Chioda informs Lilian Garcia that he’s making this a Triple Threat match!

Match #5: Maven vs Kane vs Gene Snitsky
Triple Threat Royal Rumble Qualifying Match

Kane and Snitsky start. Snitsky shoves Kane. That hurts. Maven shoves Snitsky. That hurts. The big men try to boot each other. They both fall down! Maven tries to pin Snitsky. He gets 2. He crawls over to Kane and watches him sit up. Kane stalks Maven, then hits a hard lariat on Snitsky. Kane crawls over to cover, but Maven breaks it up with an axe drop and grabs a wristlock. Maven bails into the corner. Kane staggers over to beat on him, but Snitsky hits him in the back. Kane whips Snitsky into the corner and dumps him with a clothesline. Maven pops Kane with a hard right to the shoulder, which is supposdly separated. Kane gets up with the goozle and hits the chokeslam, and hot dog, we have a wiener!

Winner: Kane via pinfall (2:00)

Post-match, Kane lights the ringposts on fire, just like old times.

Steve Austin update – next!

Ad Break.

Christy Hemme is here to operate the T-shirt cannon.

Last Wednesday in Hollywood, Steve Austin had a press conference in front of a rabid crowd to announce his decision to work with WWE Films on a three-picture deal, and a whirlwind tour of… the Best Damn Sports Show Period.

Royal Rumble Card
– Undertaker vs Heidenreich (Casket Match)
– Kurt Angle vs John Bradshaw Layfield vs Big Show (WWE Title)
– 15 Smackdown Superstars in the Rumble match! (And Smackdown has won the last 2 Rumbles!)
– Edge vs Shawn Michaels
– Randy Orton vs Triple H (World Heavyweight Title)
– Royal Rumble Match

Todd Grisham is backstage with Edge. He’s sick of being called bitter and being asked what happened to Edge. “I became a realist. I sat out two Wrestlemanias with a broken neck. This Sunday, this can all change.” He can win a chance to main event WM21 on the same night he beats Shawn Michaels, a man who knows nothing about pain and sacrifice. He runs down the laundry list of superstars who will not be able to stop him.

Randy Orton is on his way to the ring!

Ad Break.

Same old Chris Masters vignette. Still no timeline for his arrival.

Match #6: Ric Flair (w/ Triple H & DAVE Batista) vs Randy Orton

Once again, no pyro for Orton. They just never learn. That MADE him. Orton and Flair pace around a bit. They lock up. Orton gets a headlock, gets sent into the ropes, and gets a shoulderblock. Orton slaps Flair. Flair regroups. They lock up again. Flair gets a headlock. He runs the ropes and hits a shoulderblock. He runs the ropes again. Orton leapfrogs and hits a dropkick. Flair begs off and then pokes Orton in the eye. Are they trying to turn the crowd against Orton or something? Flair keeps the dirty coming. He lines Orton up in the corner and hits a hard chop and a punch. Another hard chop, and the stitches in Orton’s forehead (from last night in Tulsa! PLUG!) are opened. Flair poses in the middle of the ring as HHH points to him, nWo-style. Orton gets Flair in the corner and slugs away. Flair walks out and flops! Orton heads back into the corner, where Flair bails, and whips him into the other corner. Flair rebounds into a backdrop. Flair bails. Orton follows him out and slugs it out with him against he security wall. Flair reverses and gets a chop. It levels out, and Orton punches Flair over the wall. Orton tries to put Flair back in, but Flair pokes him in the eye and heads up. That’s not his forte. Orton slams him down. Orton uses a whip and another backdrop. HHH distracts Orton, who gets thrown off enough to charge Flair. Flair pulls down the bottom rope, and Orton falls out of the ring. Our referee tosses the innocent Batista. Batista is initially very, very mad, but shortly thereafter he looks pensively at HHH and decides to leave. (4:53)

Ad Break ends (7:55).

We’re back with a slugfest. Orton whips Flair into the corner, and he musters the Flair flip to the outside. HHH heads over to observe Flair and encourage him. Flair gets to the apron. Orton suplexes him back in! He covers for two. Flair begs off. Orton laughs and correctly kicks him hard in the chest. Orton uses a whip but dropkicks air as Flair stops himself on the ropes. HHH distracts our referee as Flair uses a stomp to the groin. Flair hits a running kneedrop. Flair gets a series of punches to the top of the head from a chinlock. “Randy” chant. Flair punches away at Orton’s head. Orton’s wearing a very modest crimson mask now. HHH uses an elbow to Orton as Flair distracts our referee. Orton starts to head back in, but Flair kicks Orton in the head to knock him back off the apron. Flair uses a whip and a hard chop… no sale. Another chop… no sale. A third one… no sale. A fourth one… no sale. A staredown. Flair begs off. Punches… no sale. Flair runs the ropes and tries a wild right, blocked, and Orton punches him. Orton fires off the punches in the corner. He gets a kick and then heads to the mighty 10-punch combo, with loud counting from the fans as he makes it all the way to 10. Flair stumbles out of it and flops again. Orton gets another backdrop, his third, and a hard clothesline. Orton uses an armwringer and the 3.0. Flair begs off some more. Orton uses a whip and a powerslam for 2. HHH tries to cheapshot Orton, with little success, but Flair goes to the chop block! King notes that we’ve got enough knee injuries as it is. Awesome call. HHH sneaks in with a beltshot! Flair gets the figure-four! Our referee – I can’t tell Jack Doan and Chad Patton apart, which is what stands between me and identifying the ref in every match – counts 2. Orton gets a shoulder up and reverses the figure-four, but HHH pulls our ref out and elbowdrops Orton. HHH puts Orton’s left leg over the bottom rope and elbowdrops the knee. Then he stomps on it some. Flair uses more stomping and then lifts the leg. HHH goes to the second turnbuckle, holding the belt, and tries the Flying Nothing (WITH THE BELT BAH GAWD!), and Orton blocks it with a kick to the head! Orton hits the RKO out of nowhere on Flair! Our ref is back. Orton gets the slooow three for the win.

Winner: Randy Orton via pinfall (16:26)

Post-match, HHH is disappointed. Orton holds the belt and poses with it in the ring. Dumbass rookie; he should know better than to do that on the show before his PPV match. And we’re out.

See you next week.