wrestling / TV Reports
411’s WWE RAW Report 3.23.20
As far as an escape from reality goes, the WWE isn’t really bringing anything new to the table, are they? Eh well, neither am I. Let’s go!
We start RAW off with Paul Heyman’s oval ass head. He introduces himself and a video package that tells us Brock is the single most dominant force in the history of the WWE for nearly twenty years. Heyman lists some victims of Brock both young and old. No one has ever been so dominant for so long.
To retort, Drew has his own video made. He says that everything Heyman said is true until Brock ran into Drew, and just in case Brock thought it was a fluke, he showed Brock last week (two weeks ago) that he finally met his match. Drew doesn’t say this lightly, but he will beat Brock to take the title come Mania.
Heyman is here live, and we have a slightly different layout for RAW that looks quite a bit better. He and Brock are mid-ring. Heyman wants us to be honest with each other – we live in uncertain times, and at this time, we all need a bit of certainty. He’s here to give that to us in Brock Lesnar, because Drew can do anything he wants to; he can train his ass off, go to the gym, spar with MMA dudes, but Drew cannot beat Brock Lesnar. Not at this most unique and extraordinary Mania – one too big for just one night. Drew can get down on hands and knees and, Heyman is telling him, that God’s prayer line is only going to give him a busy signal ight now, and the next time Drew prays, it’ll be Brock who answers by making it quick and painless.
Heyman says Drew is a made man. He will main event WWE for years to come just because of the fight he brought to Brock – but come Mania, Drew will be just another bitch that tried – another wannabe that got douched out – by the greatest champ to ever stand in the WWE ring, Brock Lesnar.
Y’all remember the 2015 Royal Rumble? Well we gonna watch that sweet triple threat for a bit, and since I have no desire to recap it in my usual style, I checked the archives and found Kevin Pantoja’s report, so let’s go with that while I make Vanessa make me a sammich.
WWE World Heavyweight Championship: Brock Lesnar [c] w/ Paul Heyman vs. John Cena vs. Seth Rollins w/ J&J Security
This match ranked #4 on my Top 100 Matches of 2015 list and was the highest from WWE’s main roster. Brock opened this by playing the dominant role he had been since ending Undertaker’s streak at the previous WrestleMania. Cena tried to fight him off with heart, while Seth was out to be a cunning opportunist. Brock had his peak moment when he caught a springboarding Seth with an F5 that Cena had to save from being the finish. Cena reeled off three straight AAs on Brock, yet he still managed to kick out. He pretty much did when a Curb Stomp was added, but Cena broke that one up. It hit a point where the challengers had to team up a bit against the champ. Seth had the best spot of the match with an elbow off the top, through the announce table on Brock. With Brock out, Seth and Cena proceeded to do some of their best work ever together. J&J eventually got involved but Cena continued to survive. Seth finally resorted to busting out the Phoenix Splash, but Brock returned at that moment to break it up. Seth fought him off with his MITB briefcase, but Brock countered a Curb Stomp into the F5 to retain in 22:42. Years later and this still holds up. Lesnar dominated the opening frames and it was great. Once he was taken out, Seth vs. Cena took this to the next level with some incredible exchanges. Seth was the missing ingredients from the Brock/Cena series and was the MVP of this one. Fantastic wrestling.
Star Rating According to Kevin: ****3/4
Back to real time where we go back to two weeks ago where AJ talked some shit, followed by last week when The Undertaker and his pigtail went apeshit on the set.
Here’s a link to the podcast tonight: Click HERE!
AJ and The OC are here. He says that it’s official; he and Taker are going one on one. He doesn’t care if it’s Saturdaay or Sunday, but Taker might because he’s lost control of everything. It’s like last week, when he walked down to the ring and had the big pants on like when you’re pregnant. Maternity pants is what they’re called, and AJ confirms that Taker was a gothic version of The Tiger King. That’s a sweet burn; trust him on that. Speaking of tigers did you see the new pic of Taker on Twitter? Well check it out:
Who is this man, asks AJ. Has he lost control? Ever since he lost to Brock, the streak was over, and he hasn’t been the same since. Aj wants to beat him, but seems like McCool has already taken his soul. Who is this man? Where has he gone? AJ doesn’t want the Mark calloway that’s posting selfies and tweeting. He wants The Undertaker from yesteryear, that’s who he wants – and he’s nowhere to be found. BUT, AJ will give us what we want to see. He’s going to bring back The Deadman in a match he’d love to be in – a Boneyard Match.
When it’s over, he knows just where he is going to bury Taker. It’s the same plot that Michelle McCool picked out when she buried Taker’s career.
Zelina is backstage with her Mexican Men. They have a title shot at Mania. Zelina says Charley is looking so. As far as prep, Andrade and Angel will display why they are the most skilled and talented team in the WWE, and soon the most decorated champ in all of the WWE. After Mania, the Street Profits won’t be dancing around with the tites anymore.
Andrade says they want th titles. Angel says they are both men who know what they want.
Angel comes back into frame to wink at Charley. Ooo I think she likes it.
Andrade and Garza try to attack Ricochet before his partner makes it out, but Riccohet was ready for it. Alexander rushes down, and they go back to back, waiting for Andrade and Angel who are on the outside.
Match 1: Angel Garza and Andrade vs Ricochet and Cedric Alexander
Andrade and Ricochet to start. Kick from Andrade is caught. Ric with a ight. Chop and another right. Whip is stopped short. Chop from Andrade. High knee to the face. Ric with head scissors then a high kick to the face. Tag to Angel. But the ref didn’t see it. Cheap shot to Ricochet. Right hand to Andrade. Right to the afce over and over. Andrade uses the corner to get the tag. Angel has the rope in his hand and the ref admonishes him. Andrade with a kick to Andrade. He sends Ric into the corner. Kick to the face. Ricochet goes for a springboard, but Andrade sends him flying off the ropes to the ground. Angel grabs Ricochet and sends him into the ring apron!
Out come The Street Profits for some reason – I predict commentary.
We are back and Street Profits are on the mic. Garza removes his pants. It’s super effective. Tag to Andrade who comes in with. Kick to the face. Side headlock from Garza after a tag. Take down and Kick out until Garza dropkicks the back of Riochet. Garza chokes Ricohet in the corner. Ricochet uppercuts out of the corner. Right to Andrade. Kick from Garza. He lifts Ricochet, headlock, and tag to Andrade. Andrade runs, goes for a sunset flip, but swings Ricochet into. Kic kto the face instead. Andrade brings Ricochet to the corner. Chop from Ricochet. Headlock from Andrade is escaped. Ricochet swings high with a kick. Headscissors sends Andrade off the top rope! Tag to Angel. Tag to Cedric. He hits a clothesline. Another. Chop to the chest. Right, left, right, kick to the gut. Run and Cedric hits a right, sends Angel to the floor. Dropkick to the back of the head! High kick to theface form the apron, he slides through the ropes and hits a Flatliner. Pin for 1..2..NO!!! Tg to Ricochet. He comes in and he and Cedric double team but Angel holds the ropes. Kick to Cedric. Inverted Atomic Drop from Cedie, Ricochet hits him, Cedric drops him, standing shooting star. Pin for 1..2..NO!!! Andrade stops it. Chop to Cedric, another to Ricochet, but he and Cedric Souperkick Andrade! Angel sends Cedric to the outside. Kick to Ricochet. Angel flies off the top. DROPKICK!!!
We return and Andrade has a handful of Cedric’s hair. Kicks from Ceddie and he gets whipped, Springboards, and kicks Andrade down hard. Cover for 1..2..NO!!! Andrade gets him seated in the corner. Running knees. Cover for 1..2..NO!!!! Tag to Garza. He bounces Cedric off the ropes for an inverted suplex. Cover for 1…NO!!! Cravat from Garza. Right hands club the chest. Tag to Andrade. He grabs Cedric and whips to the roeps then hits a right hand. Another. Tag to Angel. They double team Cedric, who flips, gets caught, then powerbombed down hard. Pin for 1..2.ONO!!! Ricochet breaks it up. He sends Andrade to the outside, goes for a moonsault, but Andrade trips him up! Angel checks n Ricochet, Cedricwith the rollup for 1..2.NO!!! Angel catches a kick. Hard knee to the chin. Pin for 1…2…NO!!!! Angel bounces off the ropes with a moonsault. Pin for 1..2.NO!!! Tag to Andrade. Lock the head. Double suplex attempt, but Ricochet holds the legs and brings Cedric to the apron. High kick to Andrade, he hits the ropes, and Ricochet flies over the oreps onto Angel. Andrade out the corner, Cedric catches him. Michinoku Driver!
Andrade with a sick ass elbow to end it…I think. Ok, it does. Weird…
Winners: Andrade and Angel Garza
Match Quality: ***
Personal Enjoyment: **
Total Rating: **1/2
The Street Profits and Angel and Andrade eventually can’t handle the tension and attack one another. The Street Profits end up in the ring standing tall while the heels back up.
We come back to The Street Profits facing some jobbers.
Match 3: The Street Profits vs Brendan Vink and Shane Thorne
We get some short-lived action, mostly with Ford actin a foo. He hushes the crowd and chops hard, then asks for some hype, then again for some silence. Chop. Tag to Vink, and he comes in with a front face headlock. Ford escapes with some rights. Vink sends him. Into the corner and gets a tag from Thorne. He works a hold on Ford for a bit then gets some stomps to the back. Ford with a jaw breaker. Ta from Vink. H grabs the leg, kick away from Frod and Ford flips up, then high enzifuri to the back of the neck. Tag to Vink and tag to Dawkins, who comes in with a jab then a t-bone suplex to Vink and a flapjack to Thorne.
Dawkins with a spinning right into the corner, twice, spinebuster, and a frog splash from up high. Pin for 1..2..3!!!
Winners: The Street Profits
Ok…
Match Quality: *
Personal Enjoyment: *
Total Rating: *
We get a sitdown interview with Shayna. Charley wants to know how she intends to conduct herself as champion.
Shayna doesn’t say a word.
She then says Charley looks nervous, wondering if Shayna is going to bite?
Becky should expect is to lose the title. Shayna cuts her off, wants her to ask the question she wants her to. Why does she love to destroy? Why does she want the title so badly? Shayna wants it because she loves to destroy. When she takes it, it will destroy Becky. Not that complicated. From the very beginning, she has shown everyone exactly who she is.
Let’s focus on the last time they shared the ring, then.
SMACK! Becky smacks er across the back hard. One more time for Shayna!
Match 4: Aleister Black vs Leonn Ruff
Homie tries to kick Black, but Black ducks, spins, Black Mass. Pin for 1.2…3!!!
Winner: Aleister Black
Match Quality: NR
Personal Enjoyment: NR
Total Rating: NR
Kevin Owens is here for th live crowd. He calls out Seth, saying he was here last week, but Seth was nowhere to be found. He’s heard Seth is here tonight, and if he’s got something to say, owens is all ears. He calls out the Messiah, and out comes Sethy Baby…
Seth has some questions regarding Owens comments last week. Seth says this is nice. Does Owens believe that fighting him in this building gives Owens the home field advantage? Seth is trying to wrap his head around it. Seth didn’t train here, Owens did. He earned his job here at the WWE. But does Seth understand how he even got this opportunity? He didn’t train here because it didn’t exist. It was BUILT on his blood, sweat, and tears, and on his sacrifices and successes. His first day in the WWE, he walked into a dilapidated warehouse. He got told that everything he did before WWE didn’t matter – his whole lifes’ work up in smoke. Owens will never understand that sacrifice. But Seth had to come back and suffer and succeed. Not for him,, but for people like Owens. So he could get an opportunity to train in a beautiful facility like this. He rebuilt the system and he’s been trying to do the same thing for RAW. He doesn’t know if it’s Owens ego but he just continues to refuse and to fall in line. None of this exists without Seth Rollins. NXT doesn’t. The PC doesn’t. Every single person that’s stepped foot in here owes him. There is no Gargano, Ciampa, Women’s Evolution, Takeovers without Seth Rollins. As most importantly, without Rollins, there is no Kevin Owens.
Owens will no longer sit here and listen, but he does listen.
Seth wants to finish. His second question is more important, why would Owens pick Mania of all places to try and make an example out of Seth. Does Owens know his track record at Mania? He won the IC Title, the Universal title, beat HHH and Brock, cashed in his MITB. He has more moments than he can count. Owens has none. Zero. Owens track record is failure. What about last year? Owens wasn’t even good enough to be there.
Under pressure, he becomes a God.
Another replay, cuz fuck it. This time, it’s Charlotte vs Asuka from Mania whatever the fuck.
Let’s go to Csonka’s review this time around:
Smackdown Women’s Championship Match: Champion Charlotte vs. Asuka: Charlotte gets a throne for her entrance, and is decked out in gold. They work into a fun, counter filled opening sequence. They have a real nice sense of urgency so far, with Asuka controlling early, staying a step ahead of the champion. This leads to Asuka starting to attack the arm to set up the Asuka lock later on. Charlotte started her comeback, but moonsaulted into the triangle; I always dig that counter spot. Charlotte is resilient here, but Asuka immediately goes back to working the arm and then lights her up with kicks. They have set a really nice base here, and then amp things up as Asuka hits an apron suplex to the floor. Charlotte makes the mistake on monologuing, but Asuka kicks her ass for it. Charlotte then busted out a fucking Spanish fly, because it’s WrestleMania. Charlotte countered that natural selection into a submission in a really nice counter spot. The intensity here is really great, so much better than the recent WWE women’s matches. These two are stepping up big time. Charlotte does a great job selling the arm, working a one armed figure eight, and… Asuka taps. Well damn. I have no idea where this Charlotte has been this year, but she needs to stick around as she was really great here. This was a great and focused match, with the surprise finish. They delivered.
Champion Charlotte defeated Asuka @ 13:15 via submission [****]
Charlotte is backstage to talk about this match. She says it was inspiring. She broke a streak there. She is assuming Rhea is excited about defending her title at Mania, but she is the master class at making history. At 36, she will be the first woman to win the NXT Women’s Championship. If Rhea needs a history lesson, she can watch some of her legacy matches.
Orton is here to talk about things he’s said and done that have been misunderstood. What he has done and said came from a place of love, but it’s been taken as an act of brutality and violence. He is here to respond to Edge, but there are things he needs to get off his chest. He lied to Beth. He lied to her about Edge being a junkie for the roar of the crowd; but he’s a junkie for his own ego. Adam Copeland is a junkie for Edge. Last week, it was said he was handed an opportunity because of who he was. He admits it. It was all because of his last name. This doesn’t guarantee a hall of fame career, though, does it? One year after he was called up, Orton won the IC Title, and in less than a year, he became champion. Was that handed to him? Edge says that Foley is to credit. The torch was passed. But he took that damned torch. He went from being a third generation prospect to become the three most dangerous letters in sports entertainment, and that’s because he has grit. Maybe they have different definitions, because grit to Orton isn’t sitting on his ass for 9 years thinking what if. Grit is longevity in an industry that seldom has any. Grit is being the one constant in the locker room. He looks around there and he doesn’t see anyone that has accomplished anywhere near the amount of things he has. Nobody has as much grit as he. Nobody. Including Edge.
Orton is an entitled brat, but isn’t Edge the ultimate opportunist? If HHH asked him to join evolution, would he have said no? Everything he’s said and done, he has done it because he loves Edge, his family, and his daughters. He sent their father back home. Now, Edge wants oRton v Edge in a LMS match at Mania. Edge may be writing the story, but at Mania, Orton will write the last chapter and end it.
He accepts.
End Show
