411’s WWE Raw Report 5.13.19

By this time next week, I will have drank so much alcohol that my sweat could be bottled for drinks. I’ll also have the stench of EDC and Vegas lingering on my body, so you’ll get Larry or something covering for me. But that’s next week.

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We start RAW with The Miz. We are LIVE but not really, and Miz wants to talk about MitB and Shane. He says that this Sunday, he and Shane will be locked inside a cage. He then moves on to talk about Roman Reigns, and introduces him to MizTV.

Reigns takes Undertaker time to get to the ring then has a seat with The Miz. Miz wants to know what we should expect from Reigns this Sunday against Elias. Reigns replies that Elias is a lot of things: young, strong, charismatic, punctual.

The crowd wants Reigns to walk with Elias. Reigns calls him a karaoke performer and a wedding singer. The fact is that Elias hasn’t done anything since he’s been in the WWE, and this Sunday, Reigns is bringing the big fight. Miz wonders why they don’t get together and do a buddy comedy. Reigns wonders what they’re doing. He sounds like the old Miz, and he’d punch that guy right in the mouth. He came out here to hang out with the new Miz, the guy that chases Shane around the arena with a chair. He wants to talk to that man.

Reigns wants to know if we can remind Miz of what he did last week. Reigns wants to talk to this Miz. Miz says the new Miz earns respect from his peers and the WWE Universe. After 13 years, he has started to earn that, but Shane hasn’t earned anything. He’s been handed everything, and this Sunday, we’ll see what happens when a silver spoon meets a steel cage. Facts are facts; Miz knows how to win and he will bring a fight. Shane has attacked his father, run from him at every turn, but come Sunday, none of that will matter. He says Shane will go down faster than Vince did to a Superman Punch.

Shane McMahon’s music hits and he is here wearing his heel leather jacket. He never really knows what to do with his hands, does he?

Shane says that they need to remember that Shane is their boss, and being their boss, he is here to inform them that as of right now, Miz TV is over. We go back to the ring, and Elias and Lashley cheap shot/spear Miz and Reigns from behind.

Match 1: Bobby Lashley and Elias vs Roman Reigns and The Miz
The match starts as soon as we come back, and Elias gets a quick pin on The Miz, but doesn’t get the 3. He grabs Miz and hits a right, then gets whipped and takes a knee from Miz. Another. Backbreaker/neckbreaker combo and a pin for 1..2..NO!! Miz works the arm and tags in Reigns. Reigns smiles as Elias rolls to the outside. Tag to Lashley after he gets in. Lashley gets Reigns in the corner and poses. Reigns shoves him. Rope work, Lashley hops over, knockout from Lashley and a pin for 1..2..NO!!! Gator roll form Lashley, but Reigns lifts and sends Lashley into the corner and hits some shoulders. Back elbow from Lashley. He runs for a clothesline but eats a Samoan Drop! Pin for 1…2..NO!! Reigns with a bunch of clotheslines in the corner. Tag from Miz who enters while Reigns attacks. After his 10, Miz hits the running clothesline. Elias enters. Miz kicks him. Both Lashley and Elias are on their knees. Miz with the IT Kicks.

Is this a glorified house show?
Miz gets sent to the corner. Elias cheap shots. Lashley with the slam and a pin for 1..2…NO!!!

We come back from a break to hear Renee admonishing Shane for cheating. Lol. Elias covers The Miz for 1….2…NO!!! Elias sends Miz to the corner. Whip to the corner. Miz hurts his back. Elias stops a pin and walks the ropes then drops some knees onto the face of Miz. Cover for 1…2..NO!!!! Reigns stops the pin. Tag from Lashley who enters to hit a shoulder in the corner. Lashley goes or a stalling suplex, then drops Miz. Cover for 1..2..NO!! Lashley with a crossface then an elbow drop to the shoulder. Tag to Elias. Elias in with a kick to Miz. Elias drops Miz, runs to Reigns, gets hit with a right, and turns into a DDT from Miz. Tag to Lashley. Lashley stops a tag from Miz by dropping an elbow on his back. Lashley rushes the corner and eats post.

Miz looks for a tag, but Shane pulls Reigns off the apron and sends him into the steps! The ref calls for the DQ

Winners: Roman Reigns and The Miz
I mean, I guess…
Match Quality: **1/2
Personal Enjoyment: **
Total Rating: **1/4

Lashley and Elias attack Miz in the ring with Shane calling the shots. He hits a right to Miz. Elias cheers him on. Shane tosses Miz to the outside. The thre follow The Miz. Elias with a right. Lashley sends Miz against the apron with a right. Shane with some punches. Reigns is stirring. He enters the ring. He hits the ropes. Reigns dives over the top rope with a splash! Shane attacks Reigns. He sends Reigns into the ring. Reigns shoots the legs and attacks Shane but Lashley and Elias enter to attack Reigns. Lashley with some punches. Miz is in with a chair! He smacks Lashley across the back. Superman Punch to Elias. One to Lashley! Shane runs up the ramp. Miz and Reigns stand tall.

We get a pretty swank video package for Seth vs AJ that shows a lot of their youth.

Cole says to sign up for WWE Network, but doesn’t tell me how much it is, so now I’m not interested.

Recap of Braun taking the trash out last week.

Backstage, Braun is walking. His beard seems darker. Could be my feed. Who cares, though, right?

Charley stops him and he regrets that Sami wasn’t turned into a cube. He brings up the MitB saying that no one can stop him. From behind, a stagehand stutters with his lines, and tells Braun Shane would like to see him in his curtained off section of the backstage area.

Later, Sami is explaining to Shane that it is our fault that Braun is goin all buckwild. Enter Braun.

Sami wants the McMahons to make things right. Braun wonders how. Sami says Shane is taking Braun out of the MitB match. Sami says he’ll fight Braun for it. Tonight. In fact, make it a Falls Count Anywhere Match, so maybe this time Sami can toss Braun in a dumpster. Shane says Braun has a match, but Sami says Shane can make it happen. So Shane makes it happen.

Braun tells Sami that he will eat him alive. Shane congratulates Sami.

Mojo Rawley….um….well, he’s here.

Match 2: Mojo Rawley vs Apollo Crews
Apollo goes in with some kicks. He whips Mojo, but Mojo reverses and hops under a flipping Apollo who lands hard on his knee. Ref holds Mojo back and checks on Crews. Mojo stands back, then rushes with a running shoulder to the knee. Mojo then screams, a lot, at Apollo. He hits the ropes then a running right hand to Apollo.

Mojo with the Alabama Slam, cover for 1..2…3!!!

Winner: No One

Match Quality: NR
Personal Enjoyment: NR
Total Rating: NR

Backstage, Alexa is on the phone to say that someone lost their mind. Ah, it appears that Alexa has lost her luggage. She tells the person on the phone that her luggage is her priority.

Nikki comes up and asks Alexa if she is ok. Nikki says she has been here for 4 weeks and no one has noticed. Alexa feels bad that she hasn’t gotten to know her. Alexa says she is sorry, and goes to walk away. Nikki tells Alexa she can talk to her.

Alexa then goes on a mini rant about not wanting to be laughed at. Nikki says Alexa can tell the McMahon fam and tell them what’s going on. Alexa wonders if she’d do that for her and take her place. Nikki says that would be incredible, but…

And Alexa says she’ll make it happen.

So Nikki isn’t crazy anymore, y’all.

Cole is in the middle of the ring, and we’re getting the contract signing betwixt the womens.

Cole is so cheesy, introducing all the girls. Gang’s all here, and Cole has a question. He wonders if Becky has bit off more than she can chew, and wonders if she understands this.

Crowd chants BECKY TWO BELTS.

Becky says it’s a good question, and look at the girls – bigger, stronger, more atheletic. It’s not that she doesn’t know how hard it will be, it’s that she doesn’t care. When the bright lights hit, Lacey will feel the crippling pressure of having to back up everything that she said while Becky stomps down on the back of her neck, and she will ask herself why she ever came looking – just ask her twin sister here how hard it is to beat her.

Charlotte says Becky never learns. She has everything she ever wanted, and still have to make digs. It’s the same big mouth that got her in trouble in the first place, and now she’s in a situation that Becky just can’t win.

Lacey says “Well said, Ms. Flair,” and says that it’s nice to see she isn’t the only one who showed up dressed appropriately. It’s a contract signing, sweetheart, not a fight in a barn.

Becky points out that she’s never done one of these, has she?

Becky tells Charlotte that Becky made the history Charlotte thought she was owed. Born into royalty and groomed by McMahons, but she hasn’t been delivering has she? Pressure, pressure.

Becky says that at the PPV, one of them can’t afford to lose their first title match, and the other can’t afford to lose their millionth. Deeeeeeyum lol.

Becky signs.

Charlotte says Becky won over Ronda, and it’s still not enough. She has built up this reputation that Becky can’t live up to, and all of this is going to come crashing down, and frankly, (insert stupid fake laugh), she finds it hilarious, because not even the two titles can hide Becky’s jealousy or insecurity, and all she will have to blame is her stubborn pride when Becky bows down to the Queen.

Lacey says this is the point she’s been trying to prove; the WWE Universe deserve a legit lady to set the proper examples. Listen to them; classless example as a chmpion. These young women are being led astray by Becky’s classless and confusing behavior. She will restore class back to the championship. Becky can pretend to swing around something she doesn’t have, because Becky won’t take out two real ladies; such as Charlotte Flair and Lacey Evans.

Becky dares Lacey to give her a free shot.

Lacey stands, say she doesn’t want to get this dress dirty, and Becky says she’ll slap the blonde off both of them. Lacey goes for the attack, but Becky sends her to the outside. Charlotte attacks. Becky with some knees. Right hand to Becky. She foes for a powerbomb into the table, but Lacey is back in. Becky grabs the arm, looks for the Disarmer, but Charltte hits a big boot. Charlotte sends Becky into the corner hard. The blondes double team and slam Becky into the table.

Baron Corbin is on my tv when they come back to RAW, and it makes my stomach hurt.

Match 3: Ricochet vs Baron Corbin
Lockup and Corbin hits a knee. He sends Ricochet to the apron. Ricochet hits a shoulder, flips over Corbin, then hits a right hand. He side steps a kick, rolls over Corbin’s back, and hits a dropkick. Lockup again, and Corbin gets Ricochet to the corner. Knee ot the gut. He turns Ricochet and whips, but Ricochet hops over and hits a right hand. Whip is reveseed but Ricohet slides and flips over Corbin, who runs out of the ring and back in, Ricochet hops over, hits the ropes, springboard crossbody, and Corbin rolls to the outside. Ricochet goes for a slidding kick, but Corbin side steps. Corbin whips. Ricochet hops on the apron, kicks off the corner. Corbin heads back to the ring. Springboard, and Ricochet lands on his feet. CLOTHESLINE sends Ricochet down hard.

Back from a break, and Ricochet springboards himself into the arms of Corbin who drops him down hard and covers for 1..2..NO!!! Corbin stomps Ricochet. Ricochet on the apron. Corbin slides out and back in. Ricochet with an uppercut. Corbin shoves him into the corner. High kick from Ricochet. He rolls forward into a dropkick to Corbin. Ricochet with a crossbody in the corner. High knee to Corbin. Kick to the ropes into Corbin’s face. Springboard clothesline and a 1..2…NO!!! Corbin is up. CHOKESLAM attempt but Ricochet rolls through into a pin for 1..2..NO!!! Surprise DEEP SIX!! Pin for 1…2..NO!!! End of Days attempt, but Ricochet escapes and hits a DDT! Pin for 1..2..NO!!! Ricochet goes to the top rope. 630, but Corbin moves! Ricochet rolls. He eats aboot. Right hand from Ricochet, as Corbin is seated up top. Ricochet with rights. He heads t othe top. Corbin pushes him off. Ricochet to the apron. He hops up. Hurricanrana to the mat. SHOOTING STAR! Cover for 1..2…NO!!!

Ricochet hits the ropes, tilt a whirl into an END OF DAYS from Corbin! 1…..2….3!!!

Winner: Baron Corbin
Ricochet made Corbin seem somewhat serviceable, although a lot of Ricochet’s moves were telegraphed by Corbin’s setting up for them.
Match Quality: **1/2
Personal Enjoyment: **
Total Rating: **1/4

Corbin grabs a ladder on the outside and slides it into the ring. He sets it up and starts to climb the ladder towards the briefcase.

Ricochet is up and he shoves the ladder, causing Corbin to fly off the ladder and crash into the ropes.

Rey wants to talk about Joe and wonders if he is really that sadistic. If he has something to say, he can say it to his face.

In comes Cesaro, who wonders why Rey is talking about Joe when he isn’t here, and when did RAW turn into Bring your kid to work day, anyway? Cesaro doesn’t care. Dominic looks more like Joe than Rey. Are we sure Dominic is really his son?

Rey attacks. Cesaro shoves him away like a fly. Rey throws a suitcase at him. Cesaro catches it and tosses it back. They wrestle and refs come in to stop the fight.

Rey shouts that you don’t mess with family.

Bvackstage elsewhere, AJ is chatting up some hot blonde.

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Hey guys, aside from the RAW podcast I do after each RAW, I also have a podcast on YouTube about some random shit. Our first episode of our second season will be filmed tomorrow.

Thanks, in advance, for watching. I appreciate every one of you…except Kip

The blonde’s side profile is much better. She’s here with AJ, and wonders about Aj’s methods. AJ says people will do this anyway. His forearm was meant for Corbin last week, but if he is disrespected, he will fight. But hey, this is Seth’s show…at least until he showed up. He came to the WWE with a huge chip on his shoulder, and it hasn’t gone anywhere. This Sunday, he’s walking in the challenger but walking out the new Champion.

Natalya cuts promos like she’s running for ASB Treasurer….

Nikki is, apparently, crazy again for her entrance.

Match 4: Naomi vs Dana Brooke vs Nikki Cross vs Natalya
All four women stare up at the briefcase. Ok….

Naomi whips Dana into Natalya and Cross who are in the corner. Naomi gets rolled up for 1..2..NO!!! Nattie attacks Dana, covers, and Nikki breaks the pin. Nikki sends Nattie to the outside, Dana sends Nikki out, then her and Naomi go at it. Naomi with a full nelson into a sit out. Nattie runs across their backs. Nikki pulls Nattie in between the apron and ring and beats her down. Naomi rolls Dana up in the ring for 1..2..NO! Another pin fo 1..2..N!O!! Dana to the outside. Naomi grabs the ropes and spins over them onto the three women.

We come back to Dana flipping and Nattie no-selling it. She locks the legs from behind and looks for a surfboard submission. She gets it locked in, turning on some of our audience, I’m sure. Nikki heads to the top rope. She looks to fly, but Naomi is there to shove her off. She hits a running bulldog to Dana then covers Nattie, but Nikki is here to break the pin up. Naimi sends her to the outside. Nattie goes for a suplex, but Naomi locks the head of Dana. Dana and Nattie lift Naomi and drops her hard. Nikki runs in and attacks the lbondes. She hits a back suplex onto Dana then covers Naomi for 1..2..NO!!! Nikki with a submission move to Naomi. Naomi turns this into a pin, but Nikki kicks out. Naomi with a hard right. She kicks the returning Nattie. Dana gets the work. Rear View to Nattie, then to Nikki. Naomi drags Naomi over to the corner. She heads to Dana and hits a high kick then body slams her onto Nattie. Naomi goes to the top rope, split legged moonsault, Dana rolls over, pin from Naomi for 1..2…NO!!! Dana breaks it up. She rolls to the outside after sending Naomi to the outside. Dana grabs a ladder from underneath the ring. She sets it up on the outside. Nattie finishes the job after she attacks Dana. Nikki flies under the ladder with a spear and mounts for punches. Naomi attacks Nikki. The three are attacking each other as Dana gets to the top of the ladder. She dives off with a crossbody onto all three of the girls. Dana screams that she belongs here. She doesn’t. Nattie is up. She tosses Dana into the barricade hard, back-first. She drops Naomi then sends Nikki into the ring.

Nikki hits a shoulder then locks the head and goes for the Orton DDT. Actually, my bad, it’s a spinning neckbreaker. Cover for 1..2…3!!!

Winner: Nikki Cross
Talk about choreographed…
Match Quality: **
Personal Enjoyment: *
Total Rating: *1/2

After the match, Alexa heads down to the ring and sets the ladder up in the middle of the ring with Nikki’s help. Nikki looks to climb it, but Alexa stops her and climbs it herself. Nikki looks on, happy? Alexa hods the briefcase up high and straddles the ladder.

Backstage, some hobo is chilling.

Oh, it’s Sami. He cuts a quick little promo on projection.

Match 5: Cesaro vs Rey Mysterio

Deadlift gutwrench and a slam to Rey. Rey hits the ropes. Dropkick to the legs. Headscissors DDT. Rey gets launched, lands on the ropes, hops off and gets another headscissors. Kick from the corner by Cesaro. He sends Rey into the ropes. Tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Cover for 1..2..NO!! Cesaro whips, tries fo ran arm drag, Rey wheelbarrows and hops onto the shoulders, looks to take Cesaro out of the ring, but Cesaro lands on his feet!!! Whoa. Rey flips forward launching Cesaro into the barricade. Rey hits the ring, the ropes, slides, goes for a sunset but Cesaro grabs the legs and swings. Rey into the barricade! Again! Cesaro sends Rey into the ring. Cover for 1..2.NO! Cesaro on the apron. He locks the head, goes for a supelx but Rey knees down and lands on his feet. Both men on the apron. Hard kick from Cesaro. He goes for a shoulder, but eats post. Rey hops to the top rope. Cesaro with a huge uppercut. He drags Rey over to the corner then locks the head and deadlifts Rey into a delayed one-arm superplex. Cover for 1..2…NO!!!

We return to Cesaro about to swing, but Rey crunches himself up a bit then hits a DDT. Rey with an inside cradle. Pin for 1…2..NO!!! Rey calls for the 619, goes for it, but Cesaro catches him! CESARO SWING!!! Cesaro drops Rey after a few rotations. Rey stands slow. Cesaro with a hard uppercut. Rey drops to the ropes. Cesaro sees the set up. He hits the ropes. SWISS ONE NINE!!! NO! Rey escapes. He flies over the top rope onto Cesaro and hits the Destroyer! Corey calls it a Sunset Bomb. Rey on the apron. Rey to the top rope. He flies. UPPERCUT!!! Pin for 1..2…NO!!! Cesaro goes for the Destroyer, Rey escapes, He flips up onto Cesaro’s shoulders and sends him into the ropes. 619!!!

Rey to the top rope! Frog Splash and a pin for 1..2….3!!!

Winner: Rey Mysterio
I’ve said it before…Cesaro is great. Rey killed it, too.
Match Quality: ***
Personal Enjoyment: ****
Total Rating: ***1/2

The Revival want to talk about The Usos and says they are weirdo vouyers. Dash was there for his partner. Usos took it too far. The balls…

The ball’s in The Usos’ court. If they want to find out who is the best tag team, they aren’t hard to find, but the embarrassment to The Revival stops right now.

Backstage, Seth tells the blonde that he broke the internet today.

Did his nude leak again?

Firefly Funhouse is back!

We’re here with Bray and a slightly darker sweater vest. He has a secret this week. We see that the bunny is still alive, albeit injured and bound back up with bandaids.

Mercy and the witch tell Brsy to hurry up cuz he’s got shit to do. Bray says he needs the help of all of us. He asks who is with him. There are some cheers. That warms his soul. Don’t worry, there is still a lot of darkness in his head, but he’s learned how to harness and control it. So what do you say….do we want to see his secret?

Bray turns towards the door as his puppets look in awe.

We get a small video package that turns into Bray with a Twisty the Clown type mask. He turns towards the camera and says something I don’t catch, but looks pretty creepy.

Seth shows footage of the one and only other time Seth and AJ wrestled and talks about proving himself to his family, to him, and to AJ. This is his industry, his show, and he is the backbone of RAW. 15 years ago, he looked up to AJ, but when the dust settles on Sunday, it will be AJ looking up to Seth.

Match 6: FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE
Braun Strowman vs Sami Zayn

Sami yakes forever to get into the ring, but when he finally does, Braun smashes him in the corner a few times. The crowd is loving Sami. Sami slips out of his sweater and rolls to the outside. Braun chaises him on the outside and hits a hard shoulder tackle to Sami. Sami is slow to stand, and Braun runs all the way around the ring for another shoulder tackle. Braun tosses Sami into the ring, but he rolls right back out. Sami enters the crowd and heads though them while Braun follows as Cole explains what Falls Counts Anywhere means. Braun follows Sami up the steps until Sami grabs a beer and slams it in the face of Braun. Sami heads out into the food area. Sami has a trash can and attacks Braun a few times. One hard slam into the face. Braun hits a knee. He tosses Sam into a post. Braun grabs Sami and sends him into the thick cement again. Again. Jeez, Braun. Cover from Braun with aboot for 1..2…NO!!! Right to the face. In comes another trash can. It’s Baron Corbin who grabs a plastic trash bag and bashes it over Braun over and over and over again. Pin from Sami for 1….NO!!! Braun kicks out. Corbin with another vicious plastic trash can attack. Yes, that’s sarcasm. Corbin back suplexes Braun into a merc table. Cover from Sami for 1..2..NO!!! Corbin grabs Braun, Braun shoves Sami then shoves Corbin into the mesh of merchandise hanging.

We are back, and Sami and Braun are back in the crowd. Sami has a chair, and he smacks one on Braun then has a stroke. Sami goes for another smack, but Braun catches the chair and tosses Sami. Right hand to Sami. He tosses Sami over a barricade that he easily could have just gone around. Braun grabs a ladder. Sami runs away. Braun drops the ladder and follows him as Sami runs towards the backstage. Sami tosses some empty water bottles and shit at Braun while running. Braun catches up, though, and shoves Sami. He then tosses Sami into a roll up door. Braun grabs his head but here’s Drew McIntyre smashing Braun into the door! He grabs a chair and sits it down then hits a DDT into the chair! He yells at Sami to cover. 1…2…NO!!! Drew grabs a chair and throws it in frustration. Braun sends Drew into a TV then grabs an ice chest and drops it on the head of Drew. He tosses a chair into Sami then tosses an office chair at him. We follow Braun through a black curtain, and we’re heading back to the ring. Sami is tossed back onto the stage. Braun grabs a ladder and smacks Sami a few times then drops a ladder on top of Sami. Another ladder. A third. Sami acts as if he’s trapped. Braun sends another ladder on top of Sami, and here comes Corbin to attack. Drew is out here too, and they double team Braun down.

Drew grabs a chair and sends it into Braun. He sets the ladder up at an angle onto the barricade. Drew and Corbin double suplex Braun onto a ladder. Drew waits. Braun on one knee.

Claymore from Drew! Corbin drags Sami over to Braun and covers. Drew and Corbin on top. The ref counts. 1…2….3!!

Winner: Sami Zayn
Corbin sucks
Match Quality: **1/2
Personal Enjoyment: **
Total Rating: **1/4

The heels leave. Braun stands to some cheers. Corbin comes out from backstage and tosses Sami to the wolves (wolf). Bran grabs Sami and chokeslams him into the announcers’booth.

End Show

End Show