411’s WWE Smackdown Report: 10.01.05

We start out with a video package about Laredo’s Hispanic heritage, which leads me to believe that JBL will cut a racist heel promo.

Whoa, he’s out already… with a donkey, and an inner tube. And for those keeping score, yes, I do like Velocity more than Smackdown. He cuts the typical promo you’d expect, focusing specifically on insulting Rey Mysterio. We get a close-up of the donkey’s brown eye (as Bradshaw compares the fans to it), which I do believe is a new low for this program. He finally introduces his partner, Mr. Kennedy. He talks to the donkey, calling it “Tony Chimel.” Only WWE could screw up something as innocently fun as a weird-looking animal with a big head.

JBL and Mr. Kennedy versus Rey Mysterio and Hardcore Holly

Rey and Kennedy start things off with Rey getting a buncha punches. Rey throws Kennedy to the mat, then gets a legdrop for two. Kennedy hits a knee to Rey’s gut, then kicks him in the corner. Kennedy whips Rey to the opposite corner, but Rey springs over a charge and kicks. JBL distracts Rey, allowing Kennedy to hit a clothesline. Kennedy tags JBL, who powerslams Rey. Holly nails JBL, allowing Rey to get a DDT. Rey tags Holly, who chops JBL in two separate corners. Holly covers for one, then gets a suplex for two. Holly tags Rey, who kicks JBL in the back of the leg. Bradshaw retaliates with a face kick, then tags Kennedy. Rey drop toe holds him onto the middle rope, but Bradshaw yanks him out of the ring on a 619 attempt and chokes him with the Mexican flag. He follows up by whacking Rey with it. Kennedy follows, then rams Rey into the apron. Back in, Kennedy gets two. Tag to JBL, who stomps on Rey and whips him to the corner. Rey boots a charge, then goes to the second rope, but JBL grabs him and delivers the Last Call. Bradshaw whips Rey, then catches him in a bearhug. Yippee. Rey bites his way out of it, then runs into a shoulder from Bradshaw. Tag to Kennedy, who covers for two. Kennedy whips Rey to the corner, but again, Rey boots a corner charge. Rey hits the legwrap faceplant, and tags occur on both sides. Holly gets some shoulders on both men, then hits a full nelson slam on Kennedy. He clotheslines Kennedy out of the ring, then dropkicks JBL. He lifts Bradshaw for the Alabama Slam, but Kennedy grabs JBL from the apron. Rey hits Kennedy with the 619, and Holly hits Bradshaw with the Alabama Crunch. Kennedy grabs Holly from the outside, and when Holly turns around, he’s nailed with a Clothesline from Hell. Bradshaw gets the pin.

Winners: JBL and Mr. Kennedy
Match Time: 7:35
Rating: **1/4
Commentary: Just not good. We know the problem with Bradshaw and Holly, but truth be told, Kennedy’s not so good, either. Maybe’s he’s better in longer encounters, but I’ve been seeing mostly basic kick-punch stuff from him.

Backstage, Eddie Guerrero is eating (and discussing) Mexican food. Looks good. Batista approaches, and Eddie apologizes for last week. He promises never to let Batista down again. Eddie also promises that they’ll become WWE Tag Team Champions, as they’re wresting the LOD tonight. Batista takes Eddie’s food, as he’s concerned about the stomachache Eddie had last week. Eddie seems highly perturbed.

In a “WWE.com” exclusive, Melina’s cell phone conversation was interrupted by Christy Hemme on a motorcycle. Christy broke Melina’s nail on her helmet (blocking a fingerpoke- not of doom), and Melina swore Christy would pay for it. Wow, this is bad.

Melina versus Christy Hemme

Bad, meet worse. Lockup to start, and Christy lets Melina fall into the corner. Another lockup, and Melina backs Christy into the ropes. Melina trash-talks a bit, then hits Christy. Melina gets a dropkick for two, then applies an armlock. Christy FINALLY gets the rope. Melina grabs a wristlock, then goes to the apron and guillotines Christy’s arm for two. Yes, wrenching her arm did not pin her. Melina gets some punches for another two count, then starts getting yelly. She chokes Christy in the corner, then whips her across the ring. Christy gets a rollup out of the corner for two, then a clothesline. Christy chokes Melina in the corner, then whips her and nails her with a kick. She throws Melina down and gets a jackknife cover for two. Hair whip gets two when Melina gets a foot on the rope. This shit right here, this is epic. Mercury distracts the ref, Nitro trips Christy, and Melina pins her. Post match, Christy attacks Melina, so MNM head in. They go for the snapshot, but Heidenreich and Animal run in for the save.

Winner: Melina
Match Time: 4:43
Rating: ѕ*
Commentary: Painful. Only somewhat better than the Torrie-Dawn series.

Bob Orton versus The Undertaker

Why? Pre-match, Orton cuts a promo. He says he’s tough, and that Randy won’t interfere in the match. Orton catches Taker in the face with a couple of jabs, which do nothing. He then slides out of the ring. Taker gives chase, which leads back into the ring. Orton hits some punches and an elbow, which continues to do nothing. Undertaker punches and chokes in the corner, then hits an uppercut. He whips Orton into the corner, squashing Brian Hebner. He clotheslines Orton and makes the cover, but duhhhhhh, no referee! Oh, it’s cosmic. Bob hits a low blow, and Orton runs out with kneedrops. Cowboy Bob beats on Undertaker as Deputy Randy holds him. This spills outside, where Randy Orton slams Undertaker onto the table. Bob holds Taker by the hair while Randy punches him. Back inside, we get a continued beatdown. Randy puts Undertaker onto his shoulder, while Randy comes off the top with a double axe handle. Randy rouses Brian Hebner, but Undertaker kicks out. Taker no-sells some punches, then hits a boot. He goes for the Tombstone, but Randy runs in. He pulls Bob off and attempts the RKO, but Taker pushes him off. Taker hits the Tombstone on Bob, then gets the pin.

Winner: The Undertaker
Match Time: 5:09
Rating: *1/2
Commentary: At this point, it’s just a curiosity to see how many guys Taker can squash at once. He got seven at Great American Bash, I think, but I have a feeling he can beat that record.

Bobby Lashley versus Russell Simpson

Simpson charges Lashley, and takes a kick. Lashley lifts Simpson, slams him to the mat, and grabs his ankle, but Simpson gets to the rope. Lashley doesn’t go down from a drop toe hold. He lifts Simpson up and slams him in the corner. Lashley whips Simpson across the ring, but Simpson dodges a clothesline. Simpson hits a low dropkick, then works the leg around the middle rope. Lashley catches Simpsons with a backbreaker, then gets a clothesline, forearm, clothesline. Lashley absorbs a kick, blocks a clothesline, and hits the Dominator for the win.

Winner: Bobby Lashley
Match Time: 2:24
Rating: *
Commentary: Simpson got WAY too much offense in. If WWE’s afraid that looking too dominant won’t get Lashley over as a face, then they’re mistaken, as we all know.

Simon Dean heads out and says that Lashley impressed him last week. He offers him a Simon System shake, then threatens him for No Mercy. Lashley drops the shake and stomps it, then catches a Dean punch and Gorilla Press Slams him out of the ring. See? That’s better.

When we come back, it’s Peep Show time. Christian is pissed that there’s no U.S. Title match at SummerSlam, then reminds the crowd that he pinned Benoit two weeks ago. Booker T interrupts, saying that he beat Christian last week, so he should get the U.S. Title shot. Orlando Jordan interrupts, saying he’s the only one who’s gonna get a U.S. Title shot. He proved Benoit wrong last week, he says, as Benoit couldn’t even beat him in 30 seconds. Booker says it took him longer to say that then it took Benoit to beat him. Teddy Long heads out and says that Benoit can decide who gets the title shot. They’ll have a triple threat match to give Benoit a look at the competition.

Booker T versus Orlando Jordan versus Christian

The match is in progress as we come back from commercial, with Booker tossing Christian out of the ring, and chopping Jordan. Booker hits the hook kick, then suplexes Jordan over. Booker goes for the Scissor Kick, but Christian trips him up. Booker heads outside to attack Christian, but Jordan follows. Booker whips Jordan into the steps, and Christian clotheslines Booker. Christian gets two on Booker back inside, then chokes him on the rope. He then applies a head twist, but Booker fights up and out. Christian elbows a corner charge, then goes up top. Booker goes for a superplex, but Orlando sneaks in underneath and powerbombs Booker as both men go over. Jordan gets two on Booker, then beats on him until Booker comes back with a forearm. Booker hits a jumping sidekick, then does the Spin-A-Roonie. He throws Christian into Jordan, then rolls Christian up for two. Christian dodges the Scissor Kick, Booker pushes off the Unprettier. Booker gets Christian for a catapult, but Jordan grabs him by the tights and pulls back. This sends Christian out of the ring, and Jordan gets a rollup with the tights for the win.

Winner: Orlando Jordan
Match Time: 3:56 shown
Rating: **
Commentary: The cool superplex spot was definitely the high point of the match. Aside from that, pretty jumbled- and who knows what we missed during the break?

Benoit heads out and cuts a promo about how proud he is of Jordan, then says he’ll face him at No Mercy. Then he says he’ll face Christian. This upsets Booker, so Benoit says since they’re friends, he’ll face him. Finally, Benoit sums it up by saying he’ll take everyone on in a four-way match.

Backstage, Long and Canon are talking WWE Homecoming. Vince McMahon interrupts, asking what Long has planned for Monday night. Canon interrupts, kissing some ass. Long has selected JBL, Eddie, Rey, Benoit, Christian, and Batista to appear on Raw, but he won’t divulge the actual match.

WWE Tag Team Championship Match: The Legion of Doom © versus Batista and Eddie Guerrero

Eddie and Heidenreich seem to be starting things off, but we go straight to a commercial. Sure enough, when we get back, Eddie is pounding away on the non-legendary LOD-er. Heidenreich fights back, and Eddie hits Animal. Animal no-sells and demands a tag, which he gets. Eddie tags Batista, so we get Animal versus The Animal. They lockup, then break. Animal kicks Batista, then attempts a suplex, but no dice. Another lockup, and Batista shoves Animal back. Animal knocks him down and hits an elbow, but Batista gets back up. Eddie makes a blind tag, and Animal tags Heidenreich. Heidenreich gets a few punches, then Eddie begs off and kisses Heidenreich’s boot… only to hit a low blow. Eddie kicks away on Heidenreich, who tags Animal and beats down on Eddie. Tag back to Heidenreich, and the LOD hit a double back elbow. Heidenreich gets a side slam for two, then puts a Cobra Clutch on Eddie. Tag to Animal, who takes the headlock. Eddie gets out with an eye rake, but Animal catches him with a powerslam. Tag back to Heidenreich, and it’s Doomsday Device time. Eddie reverse with a hurricanrana, sending Animal into the ropes and crotching Heidenreich. Hot tag to Batista, who crushes the champs, and nails Heidenreich with a spinebuster. He takes Animal down with a shoulderblock, then sets Heidenreich up for the Batista Bomb. He hits it, but Animal breaks the count at two. MNM run in with chairs and attack Animal, drawing a DQ. Eddie and Batista save the LOD, but Eddie accidentally hits Batista with a chair when Mercury moves. Eddie tosses the chair to Mercury and plays dead, so when Batista recovers, he beats the shit out of Mercury.

Winners: The LOD
Match Time: 9:56
Rating: **1/2
Commentary: Not bad, but kind of upsetting to see Eddie get so much of an asskicking from Animal.

That puts the exclamation point on a seriously awful episode of the show. Let’s hope that Impact is good enough to put some gas in WWE’s tank.