411’s WWE Smackdown Report 12.12.02

WWE Smackdown for December 12, 2002, from Dubya-Cee-Dubya Country.
Report by Brendan Johnston exclusively for www.411wrestling.com

Been a weird day today, folks, and I have a final tomorrow, so it’s gonna be minimal pre-report goodness this week.

Raw… if I could tell you how many jokes I’ve made about finding the room and looking in the mirror and guys like me not wanting to look in the mirror, et cetera, et cetera, I would. But I can’t. So I won’t.

Raven may be on his way out of WWE because he doesn’t keep quiet during meetings and challenges management’s ideas.

Justin Credible may be on his way out of WWE because someone finally looked around and said, “Wait… Scott Hall’s gone… Sean Waltman’s gone… why is Justin still here?”

Johnny “the Bull” Stamboli may be on his way out of WWE because he sucks.

Albert’s getting pushed instead of Matt Hardy. Those of you who read my report last week and recall my begging WWE for an Albert push in exchange for not making fun of Triple H anymore… I’m sorry. Triple H sucks and I’m sorry. I have to go find the room and look in the mirror, and guys like me don’t like looking in the mirror, but I gotta look in the WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! Wool! I said Wool! Sorry, Hunter… er, Mister Helmsley. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.

And now, on with the report…

Video of the Torrie/Dawn lesbian weirdness is shown. Speaking of, I swear I saw Al Wilson at the comic book store today.

The montage rolls, the pyro hits, and Cole and Tazz welcome us to Smackdown from Atlanta, Georgia. Tonight we get Edge and Kurt Angle vs. Albert and the Big Show. Scott Steiner will be there tonight as well.

Rikishi vs. B2 (w/John Cena): Cena and B2 are once again in full white boy rapper wannabe gear.

Rikishi hits some punches and a back body drop to start. B2 takes control with a knee to the gut and some punches, then stomps a mudhole. Springboard clothesline by B2 gets two and he goes to a side headlock. Rikishi ducks a clothesline and hits a Samoan drop, but Cena distracts him from the ass drop. Double Chin Music to B2 and Rikishi Backs That Ass Up. Stinkface is signaled for but Cena distracts the ref and B2 low blows him. Then B2 distracts the ref while Cena cheapshots Rikishi with the chain from around his neck and B2 covers for the win.

Winner: B2 by pinfall (2:24)

Hey, remember over the summer when Cena was one of the most interesting new talents in WWE, and everyone compared him to Sting, and he main evented one of his first Smackdowns and then went over Jericho on Pay-Per-View and it looked like he was going to be a huge star on the basis of his impressive talent?

But, uh… this is… good, too…. I guess….

Torrie walks backstage and gets some leering glances from some workers. Some girl informs Torrie that Dawn’s been spreading some nasty rumors about what went on last week in the hotel. Back to Tazz and Cole. Tazz says the rumors are hot, but Cole has even bigger news, as Brock Lesnar was in Atlanta today signing autographs and someone surprising asked him for an autogrpah. We’ll have footage, next.

Commercial Break

And we’re back.

Footage of Brock signing autographs. Kurt Angle shows up and asks him to talk for a few minutes. Angle says that they can help each other. Angle can help get Brock’s suspension lifted and Brock can help Angle beat the Big Show. Angle says not even Brock could beat the Big Show with Heyman in his corner. If Brock stands in his corner, he’ll be twenty feet away from the guy who screwed him. Brock’ll never get a shot as long as Show’s the champ, says Angle. Angle says that when he wins, Brock is first on his list. Angle says everyone’s dying to see Lesnar/Angle, and so is he. Brock admits that he is too, and tells Angle that if he gets his suspension lifted, he’ll think about it. Then he goes back to signing autographs for the kiddies like the big cuddly babyface he is.

Heyman pep talks Albert- changing his name to the incredibly lame “A-Train” in the process- and the Big Show. He teases a run at the Tag Team Titles. Some guy named Josh comes in with a mic and asks about Lesnar and Angle. Heyman has no idea what he’s talking about and Josh informs him of the Lesnar/Angle deal. Show and Heyman freak out and go to talk to Steph.

Commercial break

And we’re back.

Heyman and Show charge into Steph’s office and Heyman goes off about Angle and Lesnar and some punk kid with a microphone who he’s never seen before and so on. Steph is on the phone and asks them to give her a minute. Heyman says sure, then Show starts yelling and Heyman yells at him to leave.

Shannon Moore vs. Bill DeMott: DeMott cut a promo earlier talking about how he likes beating people up. Moore is already in the ring.

DeMott gets a backdrop off a side headlock, then pounds Moore’s head into the canvas. He gets a powerbomb off a ‘rana attempt and Moore rolls out, then goes for a sunset flip bu DeMott’s too big. Moore gets a rollup out of the corner. Powerslam and No Laughing Matter- which is one impressive f***in’ moonsault- finishes as Shannon Moore fulfills his purpose in life before going the way of the Raven.

Winner: Bill DeMott by pinfall (1:30)

Steph invites Show and Heyman in and warns Paul to lower his voice. Heyman asks about Lesnar’s suspension. Steph says Brock has abided by the terms of his suspension. Heyman flips out and says that, as of Armageddon, Brock’s suspension is lifted.

Commercial break… Goldmember could have used a lot more Michael Caine. It’s on video now, you see.

And we’re back.

WWE Tag Team Champion Los Guerreros Locos (Eddie Guerrero and Chavo Guerrero) vs. WWE Cruiserweight Champion Billy Kidman & Chris Benoit: Chavo doesn’t like Kidman. Kidman doesn’t like Chavo. Eddie doesn’t like anyone except Chavo. Benoit hates everybody, especially the Canadian government for wiping his memory and perverting his mutant abilities for their covert operations.

Eddie and Benoit to start. Tieup to the corner, ref separates them. Side headlock to Benoit and shoulder block. Eddie gets a double leg takedown but Benoit tries for the Crossface. Eddie rolls out and controls with a knee to the gut and chops. Chavo blind tags in and gets mauled by Benoit. Scoop slam and tag to Kidman who’s in with a slingshot leg drop for one. Kidman gets a ‘rana off a whip and a clothesline. Chavo comes back and stomps a mudhole. Backdrop and tag to Eddie. Slingshot swanton and stomps, then an odd looking suplex gets two. Tag to Chavo, dropkick to Kidman on the mat gets two. They fight over a whip and Chavo gets a spinebuster for two. Chavo dumps Kidman and Eddie beats on him for a bit. Back in, Chavo tags out and Eddie taunts Benoit, then tries to powerbomb Kidman but Kidman X-Factors out. Eddie sells it beautifully but manages to tag Chavo before Kidman can get to Benoit. Chavo beats on Kidman for a while then tags Eddie. Kidman unloads on Eddie with punches and a powerbomb and tags Benoit, who’s YOUR Wolverine of fire. Chops in the corner and he grabs the Crossface as we go to commercial, bub.

Commercial break

And we’re back.

WWE Tag Team Champion Los Guerreros Locos (Eddie Guerrero and Chavo Guerrero) vs. WWE Cruiserweight Champion Billy Kidman & Chris Benoit: (continued) Kidman has Chavo in a headlock on the mat. Eddie tapped during the break but the ref was distracted. Chavo dumps Kidman and Eddie stomps on him. Benoit yells at the ref. Back in, Chavo tags out and the Guerreros hit this crazy double team rolling leg lock thing. Benoit comes in to break it up. Kidman reverses something for two. I missed it. Sorry. Fireman’s carry by Eddie, to a keylock. Chavo helps Eddie by putting his foot on the rope. Benoit charges in to break up the hold and Chavo comes in without a tag and continues working the arm. Kidman gets a headscissors off a whip but Chavo takes control again. Tag to Eddie and Kidman gets a headscissors on Eddie and a dropkick on Chavo, then tag Benoit, but the ref doesn’t see the tag. Eddie and Chavo double team Kidman. Benoit goes into a berserker rage, German suplexes then snap suplexes shit out of the Guerreros and Swandive headbutts Guerrero for two, because apparently. Benoit grabs the Crossface as Kidman goes for the Shooting Star Press on Eddie, but Eddie rolls and covers with his feet on the ropes

Winners, and STILL WWE Tag Team Champions: Eddie Guerrero and Chavo Guerrero (15:17)

Nice to see them mixing up the Benoit/Guerrero stuff with Kidman.

And yes, I have been reading a lot of “X-Men” lately. Why do you ask?

Torrie storms into Dawn’s locker room and demands that she stop talking about what happened in the hotel room, saying it was personal. Dawn makes some creepy comments and Torrie demands she keep her promise and break off the engagement, publicly, in the ring.

Oh come on! Why publicly?! Why in the ring?!

And why, out of curiosity, would anyone go around bragging about being a manipulative psycho bitch straight out of… I don’t know, some weird movie… shut up.

Commercial break

And we’re back.

Raw Retro: HHH breaking up the Steph/Test wedding back in November, 1999. God, he was smaller then. Of course, that’s before he WENT INTO THE ROOM and LOOKED IN THE MIRROR and realized he was THE BEST WRESTLER ALIVE!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Er… sorry.

Dawn Marie comes to the ring. She gets on the mic and adresses Al about the rumors and asks him to come down to the ring. Al comes down to the ring. Tazz says Al is leaving a village someplace lacking an idiot. Tazz thinks Al is angry but can’t tell from the expression on his face. Dawn says she spent the night with Torrie because she was the only Wilson available. Seriously. Dawn claims she seduced Torrie because she missed Al that much. Dawn says it’s up to him what they do. Dawn asks Al to tell him how he feels about her. Tazz yells at Al to wake up. Al says he still wants to marry her. Dawn says she still wants to marry him too, despite what that b*tch Torrie said. Torrie comes down- wow; it must be cold in Atlanta, if you get my meaning- and beats the hell out of Dawn. Al tries to break it up and Torrie slugs him as well. Dawn gets introduced to the steps and actually gives the steps an STD thanks to the unprotected contact. (She’s a skank, you see.) Some refs come down to pull Torrie off. At the top of the ramp, Dawn screams about how she’s going to show footage of the hotel room on Sunday at the Pay-Per-View, and show how much Torrie enjoyed it and how she’s nothing but a sexual predator. Um… wouldn’t her father, WHO’S STANDING RIGHT THERE have a problem with that?

Commercial break

And we’re back.

During the Break… Poor Torrie the seual predator was crying as she went up the ramp.

Jamie Noble (w/Nidia) vs. Crash: No sign of Nunzio

Noble beats the hell out of Crash and covers for two off a snapmare. Scoop slam gets two. Hip toss and dropkick by Crahs and Tazz talks about how huge he heard Nunzio is. Inverted atomic drop by Crash and Noble bails to the corner. Crash gets a clothesline off a whip. Headscissors by Noble countered to a faceplant for two. Chest first corner whip and Noble counters a bulldog. Noble blocks a a charge and goes for a victory roll but Crash counters to the setup for the Crash Landing. Some dude in white pants and a white ribbed undershirt (aka a “Stone Cold”) comes down the ramp to kick Crash’s ass and draw the DQ. Ladies and gentlemen: Nunzio.

Winner: Crash by disqualification (2:05)

Nunzio stomps the crap out of Crash and hits a fisherman’s buster. Crash and Nunzio hug. Nidia doesn’t look too thrilled to see Nunzio.

Backstage, Steiner’s limo arrives. Steph goes to the ring.

Commercial break

And we’re back.

Steph is in the ring and introduces the Big Booty Daddy (idiot), Scott Steiner. Steiner comes down, poses and goes to sign, then doesn’t. He gets on the mic and says that Steph wanted to be one of his freaks a few weeks ago. Once the cameras went off, Steiner says, nothing happened. She didn’t scream “Boom Shaka Laka,” she didn’t howl at the moon. Steph says she was offering a signing bonus, then Steiner dips her over onto the table and asks why not do it right there? Steph shoves him off and starts yapping about her morals and crap and Steiner takes the mic. The “slut” chants start. Steiner says that he doesn’t like the way she does business. And if he can’t trust her in his personal life, why trust her with his career? He asks his freaks if he can trust Stephanie McMahon and the freaks say no. So Steiner says, to all his freaks in Atlanta, that Big Poppa Pump is your hook-up… on .Raw… HOLLER IF YOU HEAR ME!

Steiner walks up the rampand Steph begs him ot come back. Bischoff appears- drawing quite the pop from Atlanta- and just grins that evil grin of his at Steph while she wrecks the setup in the ring.

Only in the WWE, folks. Where a woman can refuse to prostitute herself, then fight off a monstrous sexual predator and get booed, and the same sexual predator gets his catchphrase finished by the crowd.

Commercial break

And we’re back.

Video of the Mysterio/Edge/Albert stuff last week. I read the X-Force trade paperback I picked up today.

Backstage, that Josh guy- it’s Josh from Tough Enough 2, I think- asks Edge about stuff and Edge says that he’s gonna take out Albert at Armageddon. As for tonight… here’s Kurt Angle to listen to what he has to say about tonight, since they’re teaming. Edge mentions their history together, and asks if Angle has his back. Angle says he’s as confident he’ll have Edge’s back as he is confident that Brock’ll have his back against Big Show on Sunday.

Angle is just the king of tagging with his sworn nemeses, isn’t he?

They run down the card for Armageddon: HHH/HBK, 2 out of three falls; Edge vs. A-Train; Benoit vs. Guerrero; Kane vs. Batista; Four Way Raw Tag Title Match; Angle vs. Big Show.

Commercial break

And we’re back.

WWE Champion The Big Show (w/Paul Heyman) & The A-Train vs. Edge and Kurt Angle: I think it’s really impressive that they got Albert new music and new graphics in the less than two hours since he changed his ring name to “the A-Train.”

Edge and Show start. Show shoves Edge down. Show yells at him. Edge ducks a lockup and clotehsline, working Show’s leg. Show simply shoves him into the corner and slaps hi chest. Edge guillotines him from the outside and tags Angle, who’s raring to go. Show tag the A-Train. Lockup and Angle grabs a headlock. A-Train tosses him around and hits a shoulder block. The “Shave your back” chants start. Lockup to a doubel leg takedown by Angle, to a front headlock. A-Train powers out and pounds on him in the corner. Cross corner whip but Angle gest the elbow up on the splash and hits a second rope missile dropkick, then tags Edge, who beats the hell out of A-Train in the corner. Cross corner whip reversed by A-Train and he works Edge over in the corner. Choke against the turnbuckle. Edge ducks a clothesline and reverses a press slam into a rollup. He runs into the bicycle kick. A-Train works on the bad knee. Tag to Big Show. Backbreaker by Show and he legdrops the knee then cheapshots Angle. Another legdrop to the knee and he smashes it into the mat. Heyman taunts Edge with the title as Show continues to work the leg. Tag to A-Train who work the leg. Tag to Show. Legbar by Show. (I think this is what JR wishes he meant when he calls a pace “slow and methodical.”) Edge fights up but gets overpowered by Big Show. Vertical suplex by Show gets two. Chop in the corner by Show. Tag to A-Train, who slugs away and works the leg in the corner. Edge fires back with punches and hits a tornado DDT for a double KO. Double tag. Angle ducks a clothesline and punches away on Show. He dropkicks Show’s knee off a whip and continues punching away. A-Train breaks it up and misses the splash, gets German suplexed three times for his trouble. Big Show pulls the Alley-Oop out of nowhere but Edge missile dropkicks him and hits a few Candian forearms. Show sidesteps the spear but Edge hits A-Train Big Boot misses and Show gets hung up on the toop rope. Edge goes up top but A-Train takes the leg out with a chair. Show chops Angle in the corner and choke tosses him. A-Train hits the splash in the corner. Jawbreaker by Angle and he dodges a splash from A-Train, hits the Angle Slam on A-Train, then dodges the chokeslam and hits the Angle Slam on Show. He signals for the ankle lock but Heyman distracts him, allowing Show to hit the chokeslam.

Winners: The Big Show and A-Train by pinfall (11:22)

After the match, Heyman yells at Angle and instructs A-Train to “finish him off.” A-Train hits the Canadian backbreaker drop (which is, yes, the name I just made up for it) and we fade on the triumphant heels.

I know a lot of people won’t, but I really dug that match.

Thanks for reading. See you next week. Enjoy Armageddon.