411’s WWE Velocity Report 06.07.03

A TOUCH OF CLASS(Y)
“Classy” Freddy Blassie was the personification of the way you’re supposed to present yourself, and he was to professional wrestling what Babe Ruth was to baseball. He never considered himself a legend; he just wished he didn’t have to get old. For more on the life and accomplishments of the Hollywood Fashion Plate, head on over to W. Dal Bush’s WWE Confidential Report for this week.

Thanks very much to Jimmy PS Hayes for his excellent job filling in last week. My trip to Philadelphia was kind of last minute, and a huge freaking blast, but it’s good to know that you guys were all in the more than capable hands of Mr. Hayes.

VELOCITY #55
From a man full of class we now go to, uh, two other guys, namely, Josh Mathews and Ernest “The Cat” Miller. “Earlier Today” we see a white SUV pull up outside the arena and Josh is driving it. Ernest is in the back and they’re arguing over who is or isn’t a big star. Ernest thrusts his luggage into Josh’s hands and tells him to carry it. Just then Spanky hops up on a pogo stick, wearing a tuxedo t-shirt and a crash helmet. He asks an arena security guard to park it for him and tips him $1. The guard says he can’t park it so Spanky takes his dollar back. Welcome to Velocity.

MATCH #1: CRASH (w/ SHANNON MOORE) v. ORLANDO JORDAN
Referee: Jimmy Kordaris
I haven’t seen Orlando Jordan wrestle before, but then again I haven’t really watched any wrestling in the past few weeks. How ever I read in Jimmy’s report last week that he beat Jamie Noble, so we’ll see what he’s capable of…

A very tentative lock up started by Crash. Orlando ducks behind and takes Crash down with a waist lock. Front face lock by Orlando. Crash rolls out of it into a hammerlock counter. Orlando works to his feet and Crash grabs a headlock. Orlando sends him to the ropes and Crash comes back with a shoulder block. Crash goes to the ropes. Leap frog by Orlando. Orlando throws a kick but Crash catches it. Drop kick by Orlando. Armbar by Orlando. Armdrag by Orlando and he keeps the armbar locked in. Crash works to his feet and forces Orlando to the ropes, breaking the hold. Crash misses a punch and Orlando comes back with another armdrag. Zero crowd heat here. Crash again gets to his feet and throws a knee to Orlando’s gut. Reversed whip by Orlando but Crash grabs the ropes and bails out of the ring. Top rope guillotine from Crash and he pulls Orlando down by his feet. Crash spins Orlando around and drops an elbow to his neck. Crash climbs back into the ring and stomps on Orlando’s chest from the ropes. 2-count on Orlando. Whip to the turnbuckle by Crash. Snap mare by Crash into an armbar/surfboard combo. Crash puts pressure on the jaw, but Orlando doesn’t submit. Orlando finally works up to his feet and elbows out of Crash’s hold. Orlando hits the ropes but Crash responds with a high knee to the gut. Stomp by Crash. Whip to the turnbuckle by Crash, again. Jordan’s in the corner. Crash throws a punch but Orlando blocks it and throws a few of his own. He connects. A hard right knocks Crash down. Irish whip by Orlando into a back elbow. Clothesline by Orlando. Another Irish whip by Jordan into a back body drop. Yet another Irish whip and Orlando hits two body punches. 2-count on Crash. Seriously, a cover after punches? Jordan hits the ropes. Shannon tries to interfere but Orlando chases him off. Top rope cross body by Orlando for another 2-count. Crash crawls for the ropes as Jordan stomps on his back. Orlando scoops Crash up but Crash slides down his back and rolls him into a bridge cover. Crash grabs Shannon’s arms for leverage and gets the pin.

WINNER: Crash (6:00)

Next up is the sane Kurt Angle video we’ve been seeing for the past few weeks. He hasn’t even scrapped the tip of the iceberg here in the WWE. This flows nicely into a RECAP of Kurt’s return from this week’s SmackDown.

MATCH #2: A-TRAIN v. FUNAKI
Referee: Mike Chioda
Josh calls this the 800th match between these two on Velocity. Checking my records I find that it’s only #796.

Funaki ducks the lock up and hits two stiff right hands. Did I say two? Make that four. A-Train simply shows him away. Funaki ducks a clothesline and hits the ropes for a cross body attempt. A-Train catches him and hoists him to his shoulders. Funaki slides down A-Train’s back and hits a drop kick to his knee. Enziguri by Funaki but A-Train stays on his feet. Funaki goes back to the ropes but A-Train hits a vicious bicycle kick. Train Wreck by A-Train for the pin. Can you say “squash”?

WINNER: A-Train (0:45)

After the match A-Train grabs the mic and says he’s not done. He wants more. Bill DeMott comes out. DeMott says, “Knock, knock.” Who’s there? “Youneeda.” Youneeda who? “Youneeda shave your back!” As A-Train yells at DeMott, Funaki comes back in and grabs two handfuls of A-Train back hair and pulls. A-Train screams but still manages to throw Funaki out of the ring. DeMott is now in the ring and he unloads on A-Train.

MATCH #3: A-TRAIN v. BILL DeMOTT
Referee: Mike Chioda
Punches to the gut by DeMott and an Irish whip. Kick to the gut by A-Train. Clothesline over the ropes by DeMott.

*Commercial Break*

When we return, A-Train is surrounded by referees on the outside. He swats them all away and rolls back in the ring. Are we to imagine nothing else happened during that five-minute commercial break? Once he’s back in the ring Chioda calls for the bell and I guess this is now the official start to this match. Choking in the corner by A-Train. Irish whip by A-Train into a shoulder block. DeMott stumbles into a corner and A-Train charges. DeMott gets a boot up. Shoulder block by DeMott off the ropes. DeMott hits the ropes again but A-Train hits a clothesline. A large, unattractive male fan gets his face in the camera while screaming, “Shave your back!” Brey, is that you? Scoop slam by A-Train followed by a splash. Another splash by A-Train and he gets a 2-count. A-Train throws DeMott to a corner and clubs away at him. Chioda tells him to take it out of the corner. DeMott gets a boot in and they trade blows. Short arm clothesline by A-Train. Vader splash from the corner by A-Train and he covers but DeMott gets a foot to the ropes. Bear hug by A-Train. Ear clap by DeMott to escape. Blow to the gut by A-Train and back to the bear hug. DeMott struggles for a while and then rests. He gets out with the ear clap again and then he bites A-Train’s head. DeMott ducks a bicycle kick and hits a spine buster. A-Train charges at DeMott in the corner. DeMott moves out of the way. A-Train hits the turnbuckles hard and DeMott rolls him up for the pin.

WINNER: Bill DeMott (3:10)

DeMott’s lip is bloodied.

Burn Of The Night: V1 smacking around Rey Jr. from SmackDwon two weeks ago. This brings us to a RECAP from this week of Rey winning the belt. Bring on Ultimo Dragon!!
WWE Rewind: From this weeks SD, it’s more fun, fun, fun Mr. America/Tenacious Z stuff with Mr. McMahon from Piper’s Pip!

MATCH #4: SEAN O’HAIRE v. SPANKY
Referee: Brian Hebner
Raven left me an answering machine message this week. I wonder why I thought of that during a Sean O’Haire match?
Spanky’s in his green boxer shorts.

They circle. They swat at each other, tentatively. Kicks to the thigh by Spanky. O’Haire returns the kick and drops Spanky. O’Haire throws Spanky across the ring by his hair. Spanky tries for a crucifix and then turns it into a sunset flip. Neither works. O’Haire picks him up by his head. High drop kick from that position from Spanky. Spany ducks a clothesline and hits a side kick to the face, staggering O’Haire to the corner. Flying forearm in the corner by Spanky. O’Haire shoves him aside. Stiff clothesline by O’Haire. Hebner checks on Spanky as O’Haire glares at no one in particular. O’Haire picks Spanky up and rams his head into the turnbuckle. Kicks and stomps in the corner by O’Haire until Hebner pulls him off. O’Haire throws Spanky into another corner and then hits a scoop toss/slam. Rather than cover him, O’Haire slaps and taunts Spanky for a bit. Armbar by O’Haire. O’Haire puts pressure on Spanky’s neck but Spanky doesn’t quit. Kick to the back by O’Haire. More trash talk from O’Haire. A desperation punch by Spanky. Punches, stomps and clubbing from O’Haire. Bottom rope choke by O’Haire. Back to the armbar by O’Haire. Spanky fights to his feet and hits the ropes but O’Haire hits a back elbow. Running kick to the chest by O’Haire and Spanky rolls out of the ring. Hebner starts to count but O’Haire hops out and rolls Spanky back into the ring. Spanky hits the ropes and comes back with a kick to the thigh. O’Haire is staggered but still manages to catch Spanky’s cross body attempt. Spanky escapes down O’Haire’s back and goes back to kicking the thigh. Forearms to the face by Spanky. Second rope forearm to the head by Spanky followed by a spin around head to the knee. Climb up enziguri by Spanky and a cover for a 2-count. Reversed whip to the corner by O’Haire and he charges. Spanky escapes thru the ropes so O’Haire hits the turnbuckles. Spanky hits a tornado DDT from the top rope for another 2-count. Spanky sets up Sliced Bread #2 but as he runs up the ropes O’Haire catches him across the shoulders and hits the Prophecy for the pin.

WINNER: Sean O’Haire (5:42)

-360 VELOCITY
Last year this week…
1. Test beat Randy Orton with a reverse spinning neck-breaker.
2. Godfather hit Hugh Morrus in the throat with his pimpin’ cane and won.
3. Chavo brainbustered Funaki for the win.
4. Ivory beat Tough Enough 2 winner Linda with Tough Enough 2’s Jackie’s help.
Also, we were gearing up for what was to become the last King Of The Ring pay-per-view. Awww.

HOLLER IF YA PHILLY!
Teenagers From Mars rules and RICK SPEARS and ROB G. are super nice guys. Rob did a great sketch of my friend Amber as a zombie. Other cool folk from the weekend included Jann & J. G. Jones (as ever), Pop Mahn, Skottie Young, Zeb Wells and Kaare Andrews, Michael Avon Oeming, Art Balthazar and Franco, Tyler Page, Raven, Allison Mack and Iron Chef Morimoto, as well as all the Devil’s Due peeps, Susan Bishop, Josh Blaylock, Mike Norton, Tim Seeley, Marshall Dillon et al. Not to mention Marc Nathan, Stewart Schreck, Stewart Morales, and Joe Rybandt. And while I’m name-dropping in a big way, these two people weren’t in Philly with me but were still a big part of my week, Jill Thompson and Mr. Crazyhair, Neil Gaiman.

SHOUT IT OUT LOUD
Happy Birthday to Tony DiBenedetto.

OUT
Another big week wanes… or is it waxes? I never get those straight. Anyway, I’ll see you in seven.