wrestling / TV Reports
Acero’s AEW Dynamite Review 6.29.22
Image Credit: AEW
Loading...EVERYONE! I implore you to both check out my interview with Comic Book Author John Lees BY CLICKING HERE, AND Purchase his comic book The Crimson Cage BY CLICKING HERE!!!! It’s FULL of wrestling awesomeness! And Acero Approved!
It’s Wednesday…you know what that means!
Lambert comes out with Page to pull out a rulebook, enforcing Trent and Chuck backstage, even though they’re stylin and profilin.
Orange has new music. It’s Jefferson Starship!
Match 1: Ethan Page vs Orange Cassidy
Orange starts with the super effective pocket plunge! He rolls under, hits a dropkick, kips up an flexes. Orange gets Ethan to th outside, hits a suicide dive, sends him back in the ing, hops to the top rope. Crossbody off th top from Orange and he gets a 1!!! Orange flexes again! He goes for a body slam, but page elbows out of it. He lifts Orange on the shoulder, tries for a powerslam, but Orange slinks behind and shoves him in the corner, hits the ropes, flies off, tries for a DDT, Page escapes, hits the ropes, shoulder tackle to Orange, drops him down hard! Page grabs Orange, delays for a suplex, walks around a bit, and hits it hard, then flexes. Page grabs Orange by the head, lifts him up slowly, Orange with a rollup!!! 1…2..NO!!!! Page with a kick sends Orange down and to the outside!
Lambert, on the outside, has a bottle of Orange Juice and mocks OC with some Orange patent soft kicks.
We are back and Page hits a roundhouse to Ornge’s face! He scoops up and hits a modified Brainbuster. Cover for 1..2..NO!!! Page sets up for Razor’s Edge, but Orange puts his HANDS IN HIS POCKET!!!! Huge right, Page lifts Ornage up again, this time Orange hops up and hits a rana, sends page into the corner, then stays on all fours to trip Page! Lol. Lambert distracts, and Page is able to hit a powerslam!!! Orange KICKS OUT AT TWO!!!!
Lambert: “FINISH THIS GUY! HE LOOKS LIKE HE’S TWELVE YEARS OLD!!!”
Speaking of 12 year olds, Page flips off a 12 year old in the crowd, giving Orange time for a STUNDOG MILLIONAIRE!!! ORANGE WANTS A BODY SLAM!!! Page avoids! Tornado DDT! Cover! 1…2….NO!!!! Orange calls for a punh. Lambert on the apron! Orange shoves HIM!!! SOFTLY, WITH LITTLE INTENT!!!!hahahah ORANGE STEALS HIS ORANGE JUICE!!!! Page tursn him, misses a rght! ORANGE PUNCH!!!
ORANGE MIST TO LAMBERT ORANGE PUNCH!!! !BODY SLAM!!!!
Cover!!
1…..2…..FUCKING THREE!!!!!!!!!
Winner: ORANGE CASSIDY!!
Better than the entirety of Forbidden Door! He got a body slam over like its 1984!!!
Total Rating: *****
Match Time: 11:00
Christian Cage is here in another turtleneck! What a heel!
Tony isn’t sure what else Christian can say. Cage says he was asked by upper management….
Crowd hates him.
He’s been asked for management to come out and apologize for things he said about Jungle Boy’s father. Cage says….
“I’m sorrey your entire family isn’t dead.”
Hahahahaha.
Everyone in JB’s family, except for his mom. He then tells JBs mom to call him.
ASSHOLE chant, which Cage calls classy. He requested a match, but never said it was for him. So tonight, we get…
LUCHASAURUS WITH FIRE!!!!!
He comes out to get a whisper from Cage in his ear. Lucha is wearing all black, so you know he’s been brainwashed. He’s facing Serpentico.
Match 2: Luchasaurus vs Serpentico
Headbutt. GERMAN. Glam…Slam? Is there a male name for that?
Lucha sets up for a Snare Trap. He pinches the shoulder, and Serpentico taps.
Winner: Luchasaurus
I’m not sure if I really WANT more of an explanation on how Cage was able to manipulate a Masters Degree carrying Dinosaur, bu I think I do?
Total Rating:
Match Time:
Wardlow is backstage with Scorpio Sky, who tells Wardlow that he aint no security guard, and the last time he came after Sky, Wardlow was laid out. Tony brings up the assistance that Sky had. Wardlow is done talking, he’s sick of it. Bring every member of American Top Team, and Wardlow will treat them all like they are security guards. Once he is done with them, he’ll take the title home.
Sky says there is no physicality rule, so next week, him and Wardlow, Street Fight.
Match 2: Max Caster and The Ass Boys vs Danhausen and FTR
Cash and Austin to start. Lockup and Austin is happy with himself. Shoulder tackle from Austin. He hits the ropes, hops over ,and picks the ankle, tripping Cash up. Back body drop from cash, though! He hits a atomic drop! Cash smacks Austin’s ass like he stole something. Tag to Dax, in comes my MVP of 2022 to chop Austin in the corner! Tag to cash, tag to Dan, Drop toe hold, elbow to the spine from Dan, who covers for 1…NO!!! He grabs the head of Austin, Austin with a chop to the chest. Tag to Colt, who hits some kicks in the corner. Dan is cornered. Stomps in the corner. Hip toss to entering Austin, one for Caster, clothesline from Colton, and Danhausen is down!
He mounts for some rights!
We are back and Austin has a cover on Danhausen for 1..2.NO!! Dax tops the pin. Austin grabs the head, hooks it, sets up for a suplex, Dan floats over, ducks under, tag to Dax. Da with right hands! He ducks running in Colton, but cash is there . Both FTR hit Germans! Another pair of Germans! Cash to the outside as Dax hits another pair of Germans to Austin. He whips, reversed, again, misses a right, hip toss, Austin lands on his fet, tries to counter, swings into a neckbreaker. Dan in, puts Austin to Sleep!
Bowens slides into the ring!!! He’s on his feet! He has a crutch! Hard blow to Austin in the face!! Dax pulls Bowens out of the ring! Danhausen covers! 1…2..3!!!
Winners: Danhausen and FTR
While I thoroughly enjoy Bowens being healthy and able to compete (hopefully), this is a rare occasion where 9 minutes was too long for roughly three out of six of these guys.
Total Rating: *
Match Time: 9:38
After the match, The Gunn Club show some anger to Bowens. Billy Gun calms his kids down with a shove, yelling atim him hard. The Gunn Club leave the ring as Billy Gunn sides with Acclaimed.
Match 3: Jade Cargill vs Leila Grey
Lockup to start! Jade works the right arm. Jade with a club to chest, while holding the arm. She turns in with some knees, tries for a body slam, gets Leila on her shoulders and hits a Death Valley Drop. Jade sends he into the corner, rushes the corner for an elbow, Grey with an elbow, tries for a crossbody, Jade catches her. Fallaway Slam. Kipup.
Grey corners Jade, hit a knee strike, goes for a bulldog actin like she’s CM Punk, but Jade just tosses her off and hits a huge kick to the face. She hits the finisher, and covers for 1..2..3!!!
Winner: Jade Cargill
Jade > Goldberg
Total Rating: NR
Match Time: One song at a strip club
Stokely grabs the mic, but Jade grabs it from his hands, says she is tired of hearing the bitching and moaning, and asks for some real competition.
Stokely with the mic: “Woooooowwwww!!!!” lol. Last night, Jade gave an opportunity to every women in the locker room, and someone who doesn’t even work here, hasn’t even filled out a W-2 had the wherewithal to seize the moment. Statlander? Athena? You’re not overlooked, you’re just lazy.
Here comes the lazy chicks!
They rush the ring, Jade misses a pump kick. Athena with a shotgun dropkick as Kris drops Keira. Statlander grabs Jade, Athena to the top rope. LEILA SHOVES ATHENA OFF THE TOP ROPE!!!! STOKELY got in her ear!!!!! JADE AND KIERA ATTACK ATHENA!!!
Grey extends her hand to Jade, but she’s like nahhhhh.
Bucks are backstage. Bobby, Kyle, and Cole are all uncleared to wrestle. And FRED of all people are behind the camera! They have no friends. No one can relate to them. Well, except for the titles. Champions for good reason. They were the first. He heard there’s a challenge put forth from NJPW.
JIM ROSS, who has not yet been present, joins us on commentary.
JAS comes out all wearing red leather, red mesh tops, suspenders, and hats. Think Clockwork Orange, but Red and without eye makeup.
Eddie, Santana, and Ortiz come out first, and Eddie has himself a kendo stick.
Ortiz looks like the little cousin I never wanted to play with because he always did silver teeth activities like cut worms in half and skateboard against traffic.
I apologize ahead of time for typing Cesaro during this match. I’ll try not to, but it’s likely to happe.
Match 4: BLOOD AND GUTS
Jericho Appreciation Society vs Blackpool Combat Club (Claudio Castagnoli, Wheeler Yuta, and Jon Moxley), Eddie Kingston, Santana, and Ortiz
MY GUY CLAUDIO IS STARTING!!!! Sammy is on the other side! LETS GO!!!!!
SAMMY dies over the middle ropes but Claudio lifts him up in the arms and rushes into the corner. Uppercut!!! Another!! Whip and another uppercut! Sammy shoves Cesaro away to remove his suspenders. He tries to chop, but we get a no sll and an uppercut. Sammy rips the shirt off, hits another uppercut, chop to the chest. Hard toss to Sammy, and he hits the ropes instead of going to ring two. Lol. Sammy climbs quickly but Claudio pulls him off. He cotches Sammy. Sammy o the corner, stops a run, hits a back elbow. Sammy hops from ring side to ring side to ring one. Cesaro is unimpressed. Sammy corners Cesaro between the two ripe sides of either ring. Claudio sends Sammy over the top rope. Whip as the crowd chants FUCK YOU SAMMY! Claudio shoots Sammy up in the air, wanting an uppercut, but Sammy hits a CUTTER!!! Sammy goes to his lovely lady Tay and gives her a kiss through the cage. He turns, and Claudio drops him! WE GET THE AIRPLANE SPIN!!!
Garcia enters, wearing a durag. Wow. Garcia corners Claudio with a few stomps!
WE ARE BACK, and YUTA IS IN!!! German to Garcia! Another! Another! Damn, they look brutal! Sammy up! YUTA with a German to Sammy!!! Another!!! Claudio with a running uppercut to help with the third GERMAN!!! Yuta chokes up Sammy with something while Claudio tosses Garcia across the ring. Yuta stomps Sammy in the chest. Claudio sends Garcia into the cage!
HAGER IS IN!!!
JACK SWAGGER VS CESARO!!!!!
Yuta flies off the top, Hager catches him and slams him down hard. Claudio presses Garcia up and sends him flying from ring 2 to ring 1! Claudio and Hager notice each other!!! Crowd is hyped! They pound on chest!!! Claudio to ring 1! He and Swagger go head to head! They go punch for punch! Whip
WE THE PEOPLE CHANT!!!! HAHAHAHAHA
UPPERCUT TO HAGER!!! Hager punhes Yuta onto the apron, then hits a shoulder sending him into the cage. Yuta flies of the top, hits a shotgun dropkick to Hager. Claudio sends Sammy into the corner. Yuta locks the arm of Hager, here comes Claudio. Hager lifts him and slams him right back down.
HERE COMES MOXLEY WITH A CHAIR!!! He tosses it into Hager. Jon sends Sammy INTO Garcia in the corner, hits some clotheslines, locks the head, front suplex, grabs Harcia and pulls him across the ropes then pulls on the back, and hits a crossface. Jon mounts Garcia in between the rings and beats him down. Cesaro with a running bulldog to Hager ONTO a chair! Jon grates Garcia’s face on the cage!
DROP TOE HOLD INTO THE CHAIR! MOXLEY HAS A FORK!!! THIS IS TOO FUCKING WILD!!!
Garcia is bleeding from the forehead! Moxley, Yuta, and Claudio are standing in ring two! HART ATTACK TO GARCIA!!!! Jon, Yuta, and Claudio celebrate! Claudio grabs Sammy, press to Sammy, and he drops Sammy INTO A CUTTER FROM MOXLEY!!!! Yuta to the top rope! He fliefs with a splash!!! Yuta rolls Sammy over, and drops some elbows to the shoulder! Moxley grabs Hager! He orders Cludio to do the same!
WE GET A TRIO OF ELBOWS!!!!!!
Parker enters the ring! BCC readies for him! Parker thinks twice! He stays outside! Yuta corners him, Claudio to the apron, he finally enters, runs to the first ring, but BCC follows! Parker grabs a chair, Moxley chases him, Parker drops the chair, Parker runs out of the ring! CLAUDIO CATCHES HIM!!!! GUTWRENCH INTO THE RING!!!!! Toss! Uppercut from Moxley to parker. Parker is down. Hager back up and Cesaro attacks him! Hager with a club to the back, another, Hager sends Claudio into the cage. Parker hits a shoulder in the corner of ring two to Moxley. Yuta has Garcia cornered with a knee. Hager has a chair. HE SMACKS CLAUDIO’S ANKLE WITH THE CHAIR!!!
Shotgun dropkick from Garcia to Yuta. Hager chokes up Claudio, but here comes ORTIZ!!!!!!
Parker tries to prevent him from entering, but Ortiz hits a clothesline to him, one for Sammy, another to Sammy. One for Hager, rushes Sammy with another, one for Parker. He clears the ring but Sammy sends him in the corner, Ortiz misses a clothhelsine, hits Parker with one, then turns and hits Sammy with one!!
We are back, Menard is in the ring, attacking Moxley’s back with a chair. We apparently missed Moxley entering broken glass in the ring.
Menard and Parker hit a double DDT to Ortiz. Parker is covered in blood. Moxley’s wound is busted open. JAS has the upperhand, with all of them standing while BCC is being torn apart. Menard sends Moxley into the cae, pressing his face into it. Right hand to Moxley. Yuta has a chair, smacks Garcia in the back. Sammy cohkes up Ortiz. Yuta grabs Sammy and rakes the eyes. Parker is there to do the same to Yuta! He screams as we get the countdown.
Santana and Eddie have a table!! They send it in the ring! Ortiz grabs the table! Santana grabs the barbed wire bat!!! He tosses it in the ring, then ducks under a clothesline and hits Garcia in the corner. Chop to Menard, another, another, another, nother, another, over and over, and finally a weak clothesline. Menard locks up, kick from Santana to Garcia. SAITO SUPLEX TO MENARD!!! Rock Bottom on the knee from Santana!
In the other ring, Parker pounces into Yuta. Cesaro hits a lifted uppercut to Sammy! He waits for Sammy to stand, Parker attacks, Moxley has the fork!!!! He scrapes it against Menard’s head! MOXLEY HAS SKEWERS!!! He stabs Menard in the forehead!!! He’s go a whole pocket of shit!!! Yuta pulls up Menard onto his knees. Menard and Jon fight on their knees. Menard has the bat, he chokes up Moxley.
Jericho shows trepidation.
YUTA AND GARCIA TRADE SLAPS!!! HOLY SHIT!
Jericho is in!!! He has hits bat! He clocks Claudio. DDT FROM ORTIZ TO JERICHO!!! He hokes Jericho with a chair. Ortiz with a chairshot to Jericho! Sammy flies off the top rope with a cutter to Ortiz! Yuta is thre to lock up and hits a German to Sammy! Yuta drops Menard. Tay is trying to help Sammy with ords while the crowd cheers for Eddie. Claudio lifts Hager in a torture rack then slams him down hard. Garcia clotheslines him and CLAUDIO IS PISSED!!!!
RISING UPPERCUT FROM CLAUDIO!!!! Stomp! CODEBREAKER FROM JERICHO!!! Jericho is all smiles!!!
HERE COMES EDDDIE!!!!!!!!!!
He swats every member away like flies, en route to Jericho! Hahahaha. He beats them all down, enters ring 2, and Jericho is triyng to leave! Kendo stick to the head!!!! Over and over to jericho’s arm covered head!!!
KINGSTON HAS A WATER BOTTLE OF SOMETHIN!!! Hager stops him with a shoulder tackle.
Jericho tries to rid the cage of the water bottle by pushing it thrugh a hole where Tay is.
JAS is all down and bloodied while BCC sets up the table. Looks like Ty actually pushed the water to Jericho, my bad.
We get the table set up in btween the rings while Yuta and Moxley hit Garcia with a move off the top while Kingston and Ortiz chokeslam Hager into the table!
Eddiegrabs Garcia, takes him to the apron, and wants to send him into the cae. He does so, rubbing his face into the cage with a fishhook.
Yuta has a black bag! He has two!!! HERE COME THE TACKS!!!! THEY ARE EVERYWHERE!!!
Claudio is taking off the canvas! They’re exposing the wood! Moxley with a flipping suplex to Matt Menard ONTO TACKS!!!!!
In ring 1, Sammy hits a rana to Claudio! Knee! Pumpkick!!!!
PARKER is hanging upside down ON THE OUTSIDE OF THE RING!!
WE ARE BACK and Jericho is DRAGGING MOXLEY IN THE TACKS!!! WALLS OF JERICHO! But Kingston is up! He crawls through the ropes to ring two, grabs a handful of tacks, and tosses them into Jericho’s face!!!!
Jericho stumbles into ring 1. Kingston is favoring his back hard but heads over to ring1 where Jeicho is. They meet up and Kingston with rights ot the head over and over again!!! Jericho turns, Kingston sends him into the cage towards the crowd. JERICHO HAS A FIRE EXTINGUISHER!!! HE SPRAYS KINGSTON!!!
TAY ATTACKS THE REF!!! HAHAHAHA. She steals the key and unlocks the cage!!!
RUBY SOHO IS HERE!! She attacks Tay Conti!!! Ruby beats her down and they fight up the ramp as Tay tries to hold her skirt down!
Jericho is making the climb! EDDIE IS FOLLOWING!!! Eddie and Jericho exchange right hands! Eddie bites!!! BACK FIST TO JERICHO!!! He falls…softly. Lol.
Sammy is climbing the cage! Eddie grabs Jericho, looks to toss Jericho off the top, but Sammy is there to stop him!!! Eddie sees Sammy hanging over the edge, Jericho stirring. Sammy up first. He sits on the back of Eddie. Jericho is slow to stand. Sammy presses Eddie’s face into the top of the cage. Sammy lifts Kingston….LOW BLOW FROM KINGSTON!!! Eddie stands like King Kong!! He PUSHES SAMMY OFF THE TOP ROPE ONTO THE TIME KEEPERS TABLE DOWN BELOW!!!!
Kingston is all smiles!!!
WE are in PIP but Eddie and Jericho are atop the cage, on their knees, beating each other with rights over and over and over and over.
We are BACK and Eddie is beating down on the forehead of Jericho. Jericho shoots the legs, he wants the Walls. WALLS OF JERICHO ON THE TOP OF THE CAGE!!!!
CLAUDIO IS CLIMBING THE CAGE!!! He gets to the top and sees Jericho!!! BIG KICK TO JERICHO!!! Caludio checks on Kingston! Wait just a damn minute.
MENARD IS CLIMBING!!! Claudio grabs Jericho by the legs! HE SWINGS JERICHO ON TOP OF THE CAGE!!!! HOLY SHIT!!!!!
Claudio goes for a sharpshooter but Menard is there to stop him!! Menard wants a piledriver!!!! Eddie locks Jericho up!! CLAUDIO shoots the leg! SHARPSHOOTER FOR CLAUDIO!!! Menard taps!
Winners: Blackpool Combat Club, Eddie Kingston, Santana, and Ortiz
Holy shit, I need a cigarette. Good lord, that was chaotic, messy, wild, and fucking violent for a free episode of wrestling, and I loved about 98% of it! I hope Santana was ok. Sure, there were some spots that were a bit forced, but they were few and far between. Sammy took a bump for us yet again, Eddie and Claudio had a segment that will definitely lead to something, and we got a proper payoff to a feud that has been long-lasting. Amazing.
Total Rating: ****
Match Time: 46:20
Eddie is noticeably angry. Claudio celebrates on the top of the cage. Kingston is still bothered. Kingston asks for a fist, Cesaro offers to help him stand and Kingston mouths “I cant get up, my back.” Nice. Fucking nice.
Moxley and Yuta make it to the top of the cae to celebrate as Jericho and Menard just kinda lay there. Lol.
Claudio finally helps Kingston to stand as Ortiz holds his hand in the air. Santana is noticeably not on the top of the cage. Kingston still shows frustration as he holds Claudio’s hand up.
YUTA has thumbtacks ALL UP IN HIS BACK!
End Show
