Cook’s Impact Rebellion 2023 Review

Hey kids! Steve Cook here with you for the live coverage of Impact Wrestling’s fifth annual Rebellion. I’ll be honest, when I first heard about this event I had no idea why it was called Rebellion. Who was the Big Bad in Impact that needed rebelling against? Then I looked up the history and noticed that the first Rebellion took place at the Rebel Entertainment Complex in Toronto, Ontario. So they named it after the building, I suppose. Circumstances intervened and Rebellion was hosted in Nashville for two years, then they went to Poughkeepsie, but now Rebellion is back in its original home of Toronto.

I learned something today!

Anywho, we’ve got nine big matches tonight, with two of them guaranteed to crown new champions. Josh Alexander & Mickie James are out due to injury, so we’ll have a new Impact World Champion & Impact Knockouts Champion crowned tonight. No matter what happens, history will be made in Toronto! Won’t be the first time, won’t be the last. Let’s gooooooooooo pre-shoooowwww

Heath & Rhino vs. Champagne Singh & Shera: I can’t believe that a random thrown-together team like Heath & Rhino is still going all these years later. And people say tag teams never last! Pretty tight looking venue here with the lighting and trons all over the place, I must say. Heath & Singh start, and Singh stuffs some money in his tights. He offers it to Heath, who has kids! Heath turns it down, so he must be on a good contract here. He’s got a good forearm too. One in the corner, and another. Singh drops to his knees to take a punch. Heath works the left arm, then asks if the crowd wants Rhino. They do, so Rhino gets the tag. Shera tags in as well as we get an ECDub chant in 2023. Probably will have more later, I suppose. Shera & Rhino exchange punches. Rhino wins the shoulderblock battle. Shera with a kick to the gut, teases the back rake and doesn’t deliver, truly an evil man. Rhino with a clothesline, a shoulderblock in the corner, teases the Gore but Singh trips him up. Shera chokes Rhino on the ropes then makes the tag to Singh. Singh does a couple of strikes, then tags Shera in for the chinlock. Rhino fights out, clotheslines Shera down. Shera breaks up the potential tag by knocking Heath off the apron into the barricade. Singh in to eat the belly to belly suplex, and Heath gets the tag. Knocks Shera off the apron, punches Singh, flying clothesline, big kick, powerslam by Heath. Shera gets clotheslined over the top rope, a schoolboy on Singh gets two. A counter by Singh with some assistance from Shera gets the three count.

Winners: Champagne Singh & Shera (6:08 via pinfall)
Match Rating: **

Rhino still hits the GORE GORE GORE afterwards, so the people aren’t too displeased. This was pretty decent, kind of a wet fart of an ending but they’ll probably follow up on it.

Impact Knockouts Tag Team Championship Match: The Coven (Taylor Wilde & KiLynn King) (c) vs. The Death Dollz (Rosemary & JesSICKa): Taylor might be a witch these days, but she’s still on her home turf of Toronto. If I was a betting man I’d take The Coven (+115). Taylor & Rosemary start. No, they don’t since Jessicka tags in. KiLynn tags in, and the powerhouses talk some trash. Forearms are traded. KiLynn slips out of a slam attempt, but gets clotheslined over the top. KiLynn lands on her feet though, and kicks Jessicka on the apron. Back in the ring, Jessicka headbutts KiLynn, and that leads to some DeathDollz double teaming. Rosemary tries to bite the face, but King fights that off. Rosemary knocks King down with a running punch. KiLynn with a jawbreaker and clothesline. Tag to Wilde, who hits the ol’ PK for two. Taylor with some Wilde punches on Rosemary that mostly get blocked. Rosemary is sent into the middle turnbuckle, then the Coven corner. Well, the Coven tried to get the ref distracted, but she came back when they actually did something. Whoops. In any event. KiLynn chops Rosemary down in the corner. Snap mare, then the vertical suplex by King gets two. Tag to Taylor, who does a boot choke before tagging King back in for some double teaming. Innovative headscissors by Taylor on the top rope ends up in a two count. Rosemary gets kicked in the head by King, Wilde tags back in, hits a Codebreaker on Rosemary and a big kick. Rosemary rises up as she tends to do. Taylor keeps striking, Rosemary keeps fighting, hits an exploder on Wilde. Tag to King, then Jessicka, who runs the woman over. Some flip, flop & fly from Jessicka, then a slam. Taylor gets slammed on top of KiLynn. Running crossbody from Jessicka gets two. Rosemary tags back in, and bites KiLynn’s face. A spear on KiLynn gets two. King fights back, boots Jessicka off the apron. Wilde gets the tag, but Rosemary doesn’t see it as she spears King for an alleged three count. Wilde Ride by Taylor, then the Witch’s Wrath ends things in favor of The Coven.

Winners: The Coven (9:38 via pinfall)
Match Rating: **1/2

Solid stuff as you’d expect from the folks involved here. I’m happy to see KiLynn get some run here in Impact, she had shown some potential on AEW Dark and deserves a chance to establish herself somewhere.

Cook’s Impact Rebellion 2023 Review

Time for the main show, let’s goooooo! We start off with some Ultimate X.

Impact World Tag Team Championship Ultimate X Match: ABC (Ace Austin & Chris Bey) (c) vs. The Motor City Machine Guns (Alex Shelley & Chris Sabin): Tom Hannifan & Matthew Rehwoldt are our hosts and they show off some merchandise prior to the bell. Austin & Bey are now going by ABC, which is drilled into our heads within a minute. Some miscommunication between Shelley & Sabin early, who were busy last night in Washington DC. Shelley grabs the ankles of ABC while Sabin tries to scale the ropes & grab the belts. Doesn’t work, but it’s a nice idea. Austin & Bey hit dives on Shelley & Sabin. Bey gets knocked off the cable, which affects his ankle & the Guns notice. Austin climbs, gets yanked off the cable, his arm is attacked by the Guns. We’ve got a story here, with the Guns taking out the arm of Austin & the leg of Bey. Smart. Austin still tries to climb the UX structure, Sabin follows him up and works that arm. Meanwhile, Shelley works the leg of Bey with the Figure 4. Sabin tries to climb up, but Austin breaks that up along with the Figure 4. Sabin gets double clotheslined, but Shelley double clotheslines ABC. The Guns work ABC into a double submission, Sabin tries to go up top while Shelley holds on to it. Doesn’t work. More miscommunication in the corner for the Guns. Austin gets kicked down by Sabin. Shelley goes back to Bey’s knee, gets kicked for his trouble. Bey faceplants off an Irish whip, then gets sent to the apron, but can hit a DDT. Can also hit a kick to Sabin, and a springboard moonsault to the floor. Shelley eats a knee from Bey & a missile dropkick from Austin. Austin kicks Sabin in the face, vaults out of a move and hits a Soar To Glory on the Guns! ABC taking over on the Guns back in the ring. Bey eats kicks from the Guns while Austin scales the ropes with his leg strength. Dream Sequence from the Guns to Austin. We end up with all four scaling the cables, there’s a lot of kicking going on, all four drop off. Kicks down in the ring. ABC wins the exchange. The 1 & 2 are hit on Sabin. Ace lifts Bey up to the cables! He’s there, but Sabin isn’t far behind! Not close enough though, as Bey gets both belts down eventually.

Winners: Ace Austin & Chris Bey (13:07 via retrieving the belts)
Match Rating: ***3/4

Ultimate X is one of Impact’s staples, but I kinda have to admit I’ve never really been a fan. This was good for what it was though. Will be interesting to see if the miscommunication between Shelley & Sabin leads to anything. Austin & Bey are both damn good and make a damn good tag team.

Steve Maclin talks about how everything sucks, including Canada. He recaps his war history, which doesn’t sound fun. It’s the biggest night of his & Kushida’s careers. We are looking at the next Impact Champion when we look at him.

Dirty Dango, Joe Hendry & Santino Marella vs. The Design (Deaner, Angels, Kon & Callihan): Smart to have the babyfaces make their entrances first, as it’d look ridiculous if the Design had to stand outside while all those guys did their respective things, which are enjoyable for a crowd. The fans believe in Joe Hendry! Hendry makes the connection between Deaner & C. Montgomery Burns. The fans believe in the team of Joe Hendry, Dirty Dango, and, making his return to PPV for the first time in 9 years, the one, the only, Santino Marella! Santino’s Ontario ties are deep, so it’s nice to see him make a return here. Santino’s son is wearing Mr. Incredible gear at ringside. Dango & Angels start, Dango with the early advantage. The fans want Santino and they get him! Santino gets the advantage on Angels, who tags in Callihan. Santino does well until the Design attacks more than one at a time. Angels talks trash at Santino’s kid, the man should really know better given his experience with Negative One. Santino with a Saito suplex. Hendry tags in, he’s got slams for Angels & Deaner. He fallaway slams Callihan! Hendry has Kon up for a slam, but Angels breaks that up. Deaner with the suplex on Hendry. Dango & Callihan tag in. Dango shuffles all over the place, but he ends up in peril pretty soon. Kon’s a big man, he tries to slam Dango through the mat. Some back elbows in the corner from Kon, then he tries to stomp a mudhloe. Deaner gets him some, then there’s Angels. Angles blocks the atomic drop attempt, his foray into the face corner doesn’t go well and Dango hits a backdrop. Santino & Deaner tag in, and Santino hits the splits into hip toss! Kon smacks him down, and now everybody’s hitting moves. Hendry fallaway slams Angels & Deaner, but Callihan piledrives him. Dango with a dive to Kon & Angels & it’s a hootenanny! Deaner with the discus clothesline on Santino in the ring, he calls Callihan in to hit the piledriver. Maybe not, as Deaner grabs a baseball bat from under the ring. Deaner wants Callihan to smack Santino like he has so many men before. That doesn’t happen! Callihan smacks Deaner with the bat! WHAT THE HELL? (OK, I’m not that surprised) Callihan walks out! Santino & Deaner are in the ring, as is the Cobra sock puppet! COBRA! We need to wait for a referee to run down, but there’s a three count.

Winners: Dirty Dango, Joe Hendry & Santino Marella (10:47 via pinfall)
Match Rating: ***

Gia Miller talks to Tommy Dreamer & his team about their upcoming match. His mom had a brain bleed this week, but he has to keep on living so he can’t waste away. Tonight is his utopia. He’s going away for a bit after tonight, so he’s going to enjoy this moment. I admit to being a little skeptical whenever Tommy cuts a promo given history, so if he was shooting here about his mom and going away for awhile and enjoying the people he was around it was pretty great stuff.

Last Rites Match: PCO vs. Eddie Edwards (w/Alisha Edwards): It’s a casket match, if you’re scoring at home or even if you’re alone. PCO with the cannonball onto Eddie on the floor. Eddie fights back with chops, but PCO wins that battle…until Eddie dives onto PCO. Gonna be that kind of match and I’m ok with it. Back in the ring, Eddie with some shots in the corner, PCO fights back, Eddie with a jab. Splash in the corner by Edwards. PCO meets him in the opposite corner and hits a DDT. Gutbuster in the other corner by PCO, then a legdrop to the back of Eddie’s head. Oh no. PCO going for the cannonball on the apron…he hits it! He’s got less than a .300 batting average on that. There’s the goozle, and PCO sends Eddie to the ramp. The casket is on the entrance ramp. Eddie blocks, sends PCO shoulder-first into the turnbuckle and hits a Tiger Driver. It’s dislocated. Jesus. Eddie with a German suplex. PCO gets back to his feet, then his voices talk to him and he puts his shoulder back into place using the ringpost. OK then. PCO exposes his chest for some chops, as does Eddie. Eddie fires a bunch, then PCO does a bunch. Palm strike time! These are not well people! PCO mounts Eddie in the corner, which leads to a buckle bomb from Eddie. Doesn’t matter, PCO pops up and clotheslines Eddie. Reverse DDT from PCO. PCOsault! The casket is opened, so Eddie rolls off the ramp to the floor to avoid current doom. PCO cannonballs Eddie on the floor. Eddie’s still fighting since he’s out of his mind, then PCO chokebreaks him off the side of the ramp. Eddie closes the casket, so PCO bounces Eddie’s head off of it. PCO motions for the chokeslam, but Eddie kicks him between the legs, knocking him off the ramp to the floor. Eddie positions PCO towards the casket, but that’s not happening yet. They fight up the ramp. Eddie finds Kenny the kendo stick, hits PCO with him, then Tiger drives PCO on the ramp! Boston Knee Party! Eddie loads PCO into the casket…PCO’s arm & foot block! PCO goozles Eddie, but here’s Alisha with the shovel! PCO no-sells, sends Eddie’s foot into Alisha, then chokeslams Eddie into the casket! There’s the Last Rites!

Winner: PCO (13:43 via casket closure)
Match Rating: ***1/4

Gia Miller tried to interview Trey Miguel but there was no sound. Nothing of value was lost.

Impact X Division Championship Match: Trey Miguel (c) vs. Jonathan Gresham vs. Mike Bailey: All of the Anthem folks are at ringside tonight, and they seem to be pleased. I might have knocked Trey’s speaking ability a minute ago, but this will be good. Some go-behinds and arm work attempted early as they try to avoid the typical three-way trope of one guy disappearing. Double hip toss by Bailey & Gresham to Bailey results in a two count, as I’m told that this is an old-school triple threat elimination rules match. Interesting idea. Gresham & Bailey go at it in the ring and Miguel tries to dive onto them from the ramp and misses. Miguel gets the advantage though, hits big strikes in the corner from both. Northern Lights suplex on Gresham gets two. Miguel isolates Gresham while keeping Bailey on the outside. Bailey with a missile dropkick that Miguel avoids so it can hit Gresham. Bailey with some kicks to Miguel, then locks Gresham in a reverse figure four while dropping Miguel on his head. Doesn’t work, but was a nice idea. Gresham & Bailey exchange strikes. Miguel keeps trying to get involved but both men keep knocking him down. Gresham with multiple moves on Miguel, gets a near-fall on a Falcon Arrow. Bailey with the reverse rana on Gresham. Miguel gets the same treatment over the ropes to the floor, without the same head impact. We’ve reached the point where I can’t call these guys. Gresham nearly gets eliminated on a springboard cutter in the ring. Gresham gets Bailey in the Figure 4. Trey up top, Meteora to Gresham, who gets eliminated at 9:35. Miguel gets Bailey into his own Figure 4. Bailey reverses for a second, but it gets flipped again. Trey does some chops too. Hold gets broken. Bailey favoring that left leg. He can still chop though. Trey’s chops aren’t bad, but he won’t win this battle. Bailey with a flip through crossbody for two after some strikes. Bailey with some kicks. Tornado kick in the corner, Bailey goes to the middle rope, misses the Ultimate Weapon, gets kicked outside. Trey goes for the sunset flip bomb, Bailey blocks, hits the double knees. Back in the ring, Bailey up top, misses that Ultimate Weapon. We go into a roll-through sequence, Miguel gets the tights and the three count.

Winner: Trey Miguel (13:52 via pinfall)
Match Rating: ***1/2

Well, you need one long-reigning champion if you’re a wrestling company in 2023.

Hardcore War: Tommy Dreamer, Bhupinder Gujjar, Frankie Kazarian, Killer Kelly & Yuya Uemura vs. Bully Ray, Brian Myers, Kenny King, Masha Slamovich & Moose: David Penzer announces the rules for this match, it’s basically a War Games setup without the cage and with different time limits for entry. Shockingly, Bully Ray’s team got the advantage on Thursday’s Impact episode. Moose is out first and he’s wearing green in tribute to Misawa. Frankie Kazarian is Team Dreamer’s first entrant, and he has a trash can & lid with him. Kaz hits the ol springboard rana on the floor. I wish he’d quit stealing the Fountain of Youth from the rest of us, as does Moose. We’ve got a table set up outside the ring while Kaz hits the slingshot DDT on Moose. Springboard legdrop by Kaz, who sets up the trash can. Moose blocks that idea and hits Kaz a couple of times with said trash can. Moose sets the trash can in the corner so Kaz can send him to it. Brian Myers is next, and immediately gets Moose backdropped onto him. Things settle down, and Myers sets up another table next to the previous table. They set up a double suplex on Kaz as Gujjar comes out to break that up. Gujjar faceplants Myers, kicks him down and…has a cheese grater? Jesus Christ. Moose has a trash can lid to use on Kazarian, but Kazarian gets usage of that. Kenny King is next out, and he has a trash can lid on his head. Yeah, why not. King with a snap dragon suplex and a kick to Gujjar, and a spine to the pine on Kaz. King sets up a table on the other side of the ring while Moose hits Gujjar with a drink. Killer Kelly is next to enter the match. She faces off with Kenny King. She has a staple gun and she introduces it to Kenny’s forehead. Then to Myers. Then to Moose’s nether regions! She stapled herself, since everybody involved with this fed is insane. I include myself. Here comes Masha Slamovich, who is also insane and has a chair. She gets rid of the staple gun. Myers & Kazarian decide they need to powerbomb girls, but that doesn’t go well for either. Slamovich takes out an entire crowd with a chair off the top. Kenny King goes after Killer Kelly because of course he would. Yuya Uemura is next and he goes after Myers. Team Dreamer takes the ring and does their best to keep Team Bully out of it. Bully Ray is the next entrant, to the displeasure of all humanity. He distracts the good guys because good = dumb, and the usual shenanigans ensue. Frankie gets the chain to his back, and Kelly gets put on her knees in front of Bully because that’s the wrestling business. Tommy Dreamer is the last entrant and he has a kendo stick in his utopia. Bully holds Kelly in front of him because he’s Bully. Kelly takes a bite out of Bully’s arm, and Tommy takes the kendo stick to him. Tommy with the spinning toehold! Shades of Terry Funk! Now we’ve got all sorts of people applying submissions. Kelly & Masha peace out of that mess and get chairs. They hit various people. Then we get the faceoff. Kelly DVDs Masha into the chair. Cover gets two. Bully throws Kelly off the top rope onto various people, Dreamer hits Bully, Moose accidentally spears Bully instead of Dreamer and now it’s a spear/finisher train! Kelly hits the Killer Clutch on King, but Masha breaks it up with the Snow Plow! Only two! Dreamer Masha are left standing, and Masha spits on Dreamer. Piledriver on Masha, and here are the Good Hands! Kazarian takes them out. Gujjar ends up in a table, Myers is wiped out, and the Good Hands are going after Kelly. Kelly breaks that up. Kaz ends up springboard cutting Good Hand Skylar through the table, with an assist from Kelly. Bully with a low blow to Dreamer in the ring, he sets Dreamer on the table and starts climbing a ladder. He demands that the referees hold the ladder like it’s AEW or something, they refuse. Oh shit, the refs attack Bully! Dreamer with the Spicolli Driver, but all four referees get two! They’re biased, but not that biased. They hold the ladder for Dreamer! Dreamer with the ladder splash through the table and that’s it!

Winners: Team Dreamer (25:09 via pinfall)
Match Rating: ***3/4

I have nothing to add to my commentary of the previous match that is either relevant or true. Looks like we’ll have the women main eventing tonight, which is deserved.

NICK ALDIS IS HERE AS THE SPECIAL GUEST COMMENTATOR! He doesn’t even work here! No, apparently he does! Oh, I’m here for this!

Impact World Championship Match: Kushida vs. Steve Maclin: Kushida with a Canadian flag on display, as he spent a lot of time there while on excursion. Kushida takes it to Maclin early. Tries to get that Hoverboard lock on, but Maclin goes outside. Some chain wrestling here, which Kushida has the advantage on. Kushida has the advantage for most of the first three minutes, as you’d expect since he has the overall experience edge. Maclin eventually uses his power to his advantage. He twists Kushida’s spine around the ringpost. Maclin flips off the crowd before delivering the ol’ Cactus elbow to the floor, but it looked pretty damaging to him. Cover in the ring gets two. An Angle Slam in the ring gets two. Maclin with a chinlock on Kushida, Kushida reverses another Angle Slam, hits a handspring back elbow. Kushida with a rollup for two, then goes for the fisherman’s suplex, then a small package driver from Kushida gets two! Kushida goes up top, Maclin crotches him, then misses on a blow in the corner. Kushida dropkicks Maclin on the ramp, goes up top, misses, hits a Pele kick on the ramp, Kushida with a knee to the left arm on the ramp, then back in the ring. Maclin with a German suplex. Maclin with a buckle bomb into a Tiger bomb for two! Kushida fights off a top rope Maclin and follows him there. Overhead German into an armbar? Maclin finds the ropes! Kushida won’t let go, which results in some shots. Maclin gets sent into the French announce table. Maclin spears Kushida in a Tree of Woe in the corner, hits the KIA and only gets two! Maclin goes up top, ends up in the Hoverboard Lock! Maclin pounds his way out! Maclin with a DVD, but Kushida holds on with the Hoverboard Lock! Maclin sends Kushida into the corner! Good Lord, Kushida still going for that lock! Maclin hits that KIA while in that Hoverboard Lock, and we have a new Impact World Champion!

Winner: Steve Maclin (18:28 via pinfall)
Match Rating: ***1/2

Maclin wants Scott D’Amore to hand him the championship instead of the referee given their current beef, and Scott does so. Then Maclin attacks D’Amore from behind, and our man Aldis has seen enough! Maclin backs away from that particular challenge.

Impact Knockouts Championship Match: Jordynne Grace vs. Deonna Purrazzo: Gonna be interesting to see whose side the crowd takes here. The ladies follow the Code of Honor. Jordynne takes a headlock & holds on. Deonna gets out and gets one of her own before going to the corner. Grace with a chop, then works the arm. Purrazzo goes to the arm, which sets up a couple of her finishers. Jordynne with a suplex, still favoring that left arm. Deonna with some arm drags, a rana, a kick to Grace. Standing moonsault gets two. Purrazzo ends up on the apron, gets kicked off by Grace, then Grace hits a tope suicida and a Jackhammer on the floor! OK! Back in the ring a cover gets two. Grace gets the upper hand, stalls with the suplex for twenty seconds and gets a two count. Jordynne tries to work Deonna’s arm, which doesn’t end well, giving Deonna the advantage. They’re on the ramp now, Deonna wanted the Queen’s Gambit there, that didn’t work, but after some reversals Jordynne went to the floor & Deonna followed her off with a moonsault. Lethal Combination from Deonna into the Koji Clutch in the ring, Jordynne reverses that into a near fall. Jordynne with the Vertebreaker! That gets two on the Virtuosa! Grace Driver is fought off, Deonna goes for a leg lock, fought off and Grace goes for a rear naked choke. Shades of what happened with Jordynne & Mickie James, but Deonna fights off. We end up with both women getting their head kicked off. They answer the count and square off. They both gotta woman up, and Deonna goes for that Fujiwara armbar. Venus de Milo is locked in! Jordynne powers out of it somehow. Spine on the Pine gets two for Jordynne. Grace goes to work, hits that Grace Driver and gets two! I thought that might be it, but the Virtuosa has some fight left. Grace plants Purrazo up top, which results in a sunset flip powerbomb, leading to the Queen’s Gambit piledriver! That’s a three count and a new champ!

Winner: Deonna Purrazzo (17:05 via pinfall)
Match Rating: ****

We see the Code of Honor followed afterward. Love to see it!

7.5

The final score: review Good

The 411

Impact just keeps doing their business and producing good shows with whoever they have at their disposal. It was a damn shame that Josh Alexander & Mickie James had to vacate their titles when they did, but we got some good matches on this show out of that. And now Impact has Nick Aldis back in the fold, who arguably does a better job of being a World Champion type character than any current wrestler. This will be an interesting brand to watch in 2023 for many reasons. These folks know how to utilize their talent better than most.