wrestling / TV Reports
Cook’s WWE Royal Rumble 2024 Review
Image Credit: WWE
Loading...Hey kids! Steve Cook here, and part of me really wanted to skip this whole dog & pony show live from Tampa and delve into the biggest scandal to hit WWE since the last time Vince McMahon got in trouble for something. I mean…there’s no reason I can’t do both, right? Consider it flushing out the system before getting to the next course.
– I’m not really sure what to say about it all that doesn’t sound patently obvious, like the fact that Vince is a sick individual, the people that went along with him are sick individuals, and the people that enabled him are sick individuals. I’d like to know more about the parties in the second & third camps. Who was directly involved? Who wasn’t involved but knew about it and went along with it? I have no doubt that plenty of people within WWE had no idea anything was going on and were just as shocked as the rest of us when they heard. I just wonder how high up the corporate ladder that plausible deniability goes.
– At the same time, there is the whole “innocent until proven guilty” thing. Honestly, I have an easy time believing any accusation leveled Vince McMahon’s way. Even before the last couple years, I always thought the guy was sleazier than the average wrestling promoter. Plenty of evidence from his own programming to arrive at that conclusion, not to mention all the other stories we already know were swept under the rug or ignored because “lol pro wrestling”. However, we all know the risks of jumping to conclusions on these matters. Not so much for me, if WWE or Vince want to sue me they can have all of the “nothing of great value” that I own, I’ll be out fifty bucks. It’s the bosses & advertisers that I have to worry about. The annoyances of late-stage capitalism.
– Here’s my prediction for how this all ends up. There’s some sort of out of court settlement. It doesn’t exonerate Vince, but everybody acts like it does. Anybody that points out that Vince isn’t declared 100% innocent is told to shut up and enjoy the wrestling. Vince lives another twenty years or so, long enough for his sins to fade away and for fans to forget that they blamed him for years of bad wrestling. Triple H & Stephanie lead a “THANK YOU VINCE” chant the Raw after he passes.
– Why am I so sure that people will forget about this Vince stuff? Well, it’s not like we don’t have plenty of examples of people forgetting about the flaws of their heroes…
Cook’s 2024 WWE Royal Rumble Review
Speaking of which, here’s Hulk Hogan to introduce us to the show! I guess it’s more acceptable now that there’s a grosser old guy people know about through WWE.
The opening few minutes have lots of footage of wrestlers randomly walking around the building. Probably a UFC thing, right? Michael Cole, Corey Graves & Pat McAfee are your hosts.
Women’s Royal Rumble Match: 90 second intervals this year if you’re scoring at home, or even if you’re alone. Natalya is #1, followed by a returning Naomi at #2. Feel the glow! Cole mentions the TNA Knockouts Championship Naomi won while she was gone. Mutual respect between the ladies before getting to work. They run through some of their classic spots from a couple of years ago. Bayley enters from #3, which…ah, who am I kidding, plenty of people have won from #3 or earlier, including Rhea Ripley from #1 last year. She’ll be fine. Candice LeRae is #4, and she goes right after Bayley. Some kicks to Natalya, then a modified Codebreaker on Bayley landing on Nattie’s back. Neat. Jordynne Grace is #5, and she’s apparently followed Naomi here. Some power moves to all involved. Jordynne & Naomi hug before facing off. Grace Driver by Jordynne, but that doesn’t result in an elimination. #6 is Indi Hartwell, friend of Candice. She goes after Bayley, then Indi & Candice doubleteam Bayley. YOU HAD TWO WINNERS IN 1994, COLE! And people try to tell me he’s the second best announcer ever. Asuka is #7, which for some reason displeases Bayley. Aren’t they friends? Indi gets knocked to the apron by Asuka and eventually eliminated by Bayley. Ivy Nile is #8 and goes after the Damage CTRL members before planting Naomi. Katana Chance is #9, and does some flips & kicks. Jordynne plants her with a back suplex. Jordynne & Ivy do tandem stalling vertical suplexes, then immediately target each other. Bianca Belair is #10 and vaults over the top rope to attack Bayley. Bayley & Asuka both avoid elimination. Bianca punches Bayley & Candice in the corner. Bianca throws Katana on top of them before hitting a splash. Kairi Sane is #11 and helps even the score. Sure enough, Damage CTRL triple-teams Bianca. Candice finally gets tossed out by Bayley, Asuka & Kairi. #12 is Tegan Nox. Tegan busts out the ol’ Molly Go Round on Bayley. Natalya tries to backstab Tegan, but Tegan tosses her out, then Bayley tosses out Tegan. For a veteran of the game Nattie isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer. Kayden Carter is lucky #13 and teams up with Katana on Asuka. Kairi gets tossed out and hangs on the apron for a few seconds before finally falling out. Asuka follows her out soon after, and Bayley is none too pleased. Chelsea Green is #14, and she lasts longer than 5 seconds this year. Grace & Bianca face off. Both women end up on the apron…Bianca hits the KOD on the apron & Jordynne is out. An impressive performance nonetheless. Piper Niven is #15 and catches Chelsea when she gets knocked off the apron. She teases dropping Chelsea, but places her on the steps instead. Piper goes to town on everybody, but ends up splashing Chelsea in the corner instead of Naomi. Xia Li is #16, and she’s got kicks for people before working Chelsea over. Zelina Vega is #17 and I’m not sure what that thing on her back is. Zelina with a meteora on Ivy, she sends Naomi into Bianca before pointing at the sign. Piper takes advantage for a second before eating a DDT. Maxxine Dupri is #18 and does manage to hit a couple of moves on Bayley before facing off with Piper. Maxxine plays possum, then Zelina & Bianca combine for a Code Red on Piper. Carter gets sent out by Niven. #19 is everybody’s favorite, Nia Jax. I think we’ll see some eliminations now. Xia Li is the first to go, then Ivy Nile. Another miscommunication between Piper & Chelsea, and Piper ends up smashing Nia into Chelsea several times. Nia almost slams Piper, but opts to roll her on top of Chelsea instead. Splash for Chelsea. Shotzi is #20. Maxxine hits the reverse caterpillar on Nia and everybody tries to eliminate Nia, but nothing doing there. Bayley dumps Maxxine out. Piper is out via Jax. Nia tosses Chance onto a couple of ringside folks. Becky Lynch is #21 and she goes right after Nia. Zelina & Shotzi get DDTs, Bexploder for Bayley. Chelsea comes back in after a rest and gets eliminated by Becky. Alba Fyre is #22 and gets both Shotzi & Zelina up for a modified widow’s peak. Alba almost tosses Becky, but Nia kinda breaks that up. Shayna Baszler is #23, and she tosses some fools around. Bianca hangs in there against Bayley, & #24 is Valhalla. Well, R-Truth thinks he’s in. Adam Pearce comes in, there’s some confusion and Valhalla gets eliminated in the process. Michin is #25 and she immediately hits a tornado DDT on Bayley. Michin hits a couple of moves before Nia smacks her down. Naomi takes Alba out with a modified heatseeker. Zoey Stark is #26 and comes in with a missile dropkick on Michin. Zelina counters a powerbomb with a rana. Shayna & Zelina end up on the apron, Zoey ends up assisting Shayna with a kick and Zelina ends up on top of Alba on the floor. Roxanne Perez is #27, which is a lucky number! Bianca was very close to being out, think I saw one foot on the floor there. Shayna & Michin are eliminated by Nia. Shotzi gets powerbombed on top of those two on the floor. Jade Cargill is #28, which is pretty cool but she’s walking into a Nia Jax storm. Jade blocks a Samoan Drop and hits a spinebuster! Jade dumps Nia out, and Becky couldn’t be happier about it. Jade misses Becky in the corner and hits the ringpost. Tiffany Stratton is #29, and in a bit of a tough spot since she has to follow that debut. She does hit a swanton onto everybody in the ring. Spinebuster to Becky, Alabama Slam to Roxanne. Our last entrant is the returning Liv Morgan, who has nearly won this thing before. Stark gets eliminated by Liv. Perez gets eliminated by Stratton. We see Iyo Sky & Rhea Ripley looking on from separate rooms backstage. A Bianca/Jade faceoff is sadly broken up. Jade takes Naomi down, who is still in this after an hour. Jade knocks Becky onto the apron, Naomi accidentally takes Becky out and Jade takes Naomi out after an hour, two minutes and a bunch of seconds. Stratton hangs on to Belair’s braid and Bayley kicks them both off the apron. Bayley, Liv & Jade are the final three. Liv tosses Bayley to the apron, her & Jade get entangled. Bayley, Liv & Jade all on the apron for awhile…Liv knocks Jade off and Bayley knocks her off immediately after!
Winner: Bayley (1:04:55)
Match Rating: ****1/2
Certainly an impressive showing from the likes of Bayley & Naomi that were out there for over an hour, with Bayley especially being active taking moves. I was impressed with how they managed to have Jade get eliminated without making her look like a total loser. Good showing for Jordynne too, she looked like she more than belonged with everybody else and was taken out in impressive fashion. Not a lot I can find fault with here, and the only real stupidity was R-Truth trying to enter, which we excuse because it’s R-Truth. We’ve come a long way from when Santina Marella entered this match.
Undisputed WWE Universal Championship Fatal Four-Way: Roman Reigns (c) (w/Paul Heyman) vs. Randy Orton vs. AJ Styles vs. LA Knight: Randy’s graphic mentions he’s a “20-Time Champion”, so I guess we’re just combining all championship reigns now. The Slim Jim commercial before & during Knight’s entrance (and during the match!) may be the reason Vince is out, so I’m ok with the product placement. It’s three on one to start, as Roman gets beat down in the corner. Styles & Knight turn on each other while Orton continues to go after Reigns. They all meet at the announce table, with Reigns & Styles getting suplexed on it. Knight avoids Orton’s suplex and bounces his head off the table. Orton finally hits the suplex on Knight on the table. They sure do make those tables sturdier than they used to. Orton stomps Reigns and clotheslines him over the top, bringing Styles in for some action. Knight & Reigns both re-enter, with Knight taking the upper hand on all three before Reigns smacks him down for two. Reigns takes his time beating on Knight. Styles comes back in and attacks Reigns’ knee. Reigns comes back, goes for the Superman punch on Knight but LA avoids and hits some punches of his own. DDT to Reigns, slam to Orton gets two. Knight hits a bulldog on Reigns, vaults up top and hits a superplex on Styles. Knight hits the BFT on Reigns but Styles breaks up the count. Styles takes Orton down, delivers that backbreaker on Knight that always hurts his knee. Styles Clash on Roman! Knight breaks up the count. Orton with the draping DDT on Knight, then he gets ready for the RKO. Styles ends up getting one off the top rope. One for Knight, one for Reigns! Solo Sokia is here and he yanks the referee out of the ring. No disqualifications, so it’s ok. Solo spikes Orton & Knight, then stacks Knight on top of Orton. Styles is outside the ring and Solo charges at him, but misses and crashes through the barricade. Nearly killing Samantha Irvin in the process, somebody should have smartened her up on that spot. Reigns is back up. Styles hits the forearm on him, it’s a three man stack and they kick out at two. Styles looks under the ring and finds a chair. He smacks it off Roman’s back & chest, then turns his attention to Knight. Orton blocks before he can receive the same treatment, then eats a spear from Reigns. Side suplex and an elbow by Knight on Reigns, BFT is blocked & Knight is sent into the ropes, knocking Styles off the top. Superman punch to Knight, spear to Styles, and Roman still reigns supreme.
Winner: Roman Reigns (19:28 via pinfall)
Match Rating: ***1/2
Having watched a ton of Roman’s Rumble event matches recently I will say this was the best one since at least 2017. Good action, but the Bloodline interference is seeing the same diminishing returns of every heel group champion since the mid-80s.
WWE United States Championship Match: Logan Paul (c) vs. Kevin Owens: Paul offers a handshake to start, Owens responds with a kick, then tosses Paul into the barricade a couple of times. Should KO be buying his kids Logan Paul’s energy drinks? Not to question anybody’s parenting. Paul smacks KO’s right hand off the ring post a couple of times. Crossbody to the floor by Paul. Back in the ring, Paul hits a standing moonsault for two. Paul goes for a kimura, then an octopus. Paul keeps working the hand. Melina legdrop gets two for Paul. 619 misses by a mile, then Owens clotheslines him down. Fisherman’s neckbreaker changes the momentum for Owens. Cannonball in the corner, and another. Frog splash gets two for Owens. Swanton gets nothing but knees. Paul up top, misses a swanton of his own. Paul hits a buckshot lariat to no reaction, then a splash off the top gets two. Paul tells Graves that he’s going to superplex Owens because Graves said he’s never seen it done, so Owens reverses with one of his own for two. That was funny. Paul goes for a punch, Owens goes for a stunner, Paul blocks, hits the punch for two. Somebody from Logan’s group that I don’t know goes over the barricade and causes a distraction. He’s done this before apparently, in some Middle Eastern kingdom or something. No wonder I didn’t know what the hell was going on. Now Grayson Waller & Austin Theory are out, and Paul is passed some brass knuckles. KO gets the knuckles from Paul, knocks him out with them. Unfortunately Owens is not a smart cheater, and the referee sees them on his hand during the pinfall. Disqualification!
Winner: Logan Paul (13:58 via disqualification)
Match Rating: **3/4
Owens powerbombs Paul through the table to get his heat back. They got a little too cute with the booking there, but Logan Paul is a draw with a certain segment of the audience and you gotta keep those people invested somehow. Owens looked like a dummy, but he’ll be ok.
Samantha Irvin tells us that 48,044 are here for this. Samantha Irvin could tell me that aliens live on both sides of my house and I’d at least listen.
Men’s Royal Rumble Match: Jey Uso is #1, which…oh yeah, I already talked about that in the first match. His brother Jimmy Uso is #2, so business has picked up. Jimmy & Jey face off and exchange punches. Jimmy is knocked to the apron, but saves himself. Jey’s splash gets blocked, and #3 is Grayson Waller, who has a microphone. He wants to host his talk show now, and he runs Jey down. Grayson gets knocked off the apron, but enters the ring and hits a flatliner. Waller & Jimmy work Jey over. #4 is the returning Andrade! Cole doesn’t mention where Andrade’s been…why doesn’t CMLL get any love? Also, Andrade seems to be sponsored by Cricket 5G. Three Amigos attempt is blocked by Waller. Carmelo Hayes is #5. Superkicks all around. Grayson ends up the first one eliminated by Carmelo, who points at the sign. They train them well in NXT. Shinsuke Nakamura is #6. He goes right after Carmelo. Jimmy tries to work with Shinsuke but gets kicked down. Santos Escobar is #7. Wonder if he & Andrade will get along or not. Santos with some knees in the corners, then he & Andrade face off. Santos seems happy to see him. Andrade not so much. Karrion Kross is #8, and Scarlett is there for a few seconds so I’m interested for those few seconds. Jimmy hits the butt smash in the corner on Jey & he & Kross team up. Dirty Dominik Mysterio is #9, and the fans are thrilled to see him. He walks around ringside, no rush to get in the ring. Dom & Santos go after Jey, & Carlito is #10. No Shawn Spears this year. Santos gets some apple spit on him and gets eliminated. Bobby Lashley is #11, and he’s looking for Kross. Spears to other people at first. Carlito gets knocked off the apron, not sure if he’s eliminated or not. Kross is for sure. Paul Ellering brings out the Authors of Pain, so once Lashley gets eliminated by Kross they can all fight. The Street Profits are down there too. Ludwig Kaiser is #12 and he manages to avoid the melee. Kaiser goes after Hayes. Austin Theory is #13. Theory hits some big moves on Hayes. Finn Balor is #14, and just in time to save Dirty Dom from elimination. He does take his time doing so, but manages to toss Hayes out. Cody Rhodes is #15 & I think there’s a story to finish or something. Cody cutter to Theory, and he’s gone. Dom & Finn go after Cody, and #16 is Bronson Reed. Something about meat? He splashes Cody & Shinsuke in the corner. Reed Samoan drops both Finn & Dom. Reed dumps Andrade out of the match! Cody & Shinsuke go at it. Kofi Kingston is #17 for his 16th Rumble match. Nakamura goes out after a CrossRhodes on the ropes. Kingston kicks Kaiser out of the match. Gunther is #18, and he won’t be happy to see his boy on the floor. Kofi & Gunther have a match coming up, but that’s irrelevant now as Gunther is chopping everybody. Dom leaves his mark on Gunther’s chest, but he goes down too. Cody & Gunther renew hostilities from last year. Gunther dumps Kofi out without much drama, which is a rarity for a Kofi Rumble appearance. Ivar is #19, and he’s got some cartwheels & slams. Ivar with elbows in the corner for Gunther. Jimmy keeps trying to dap people up and it isn’t working. Ivar & Reed crossbody each other, and #20 is Bron Breakker! He’s wearing some classic Steiner tights, and he’s got spears and clotheslines for people. Jimmy finally gets eliminated by Bron. Finn gets dumped too. Bron & Gunther face off. Gunther with a chop, but Bron gains the upper hand with a spear. Omos is #21, and he still has MVP with him. Haven’t seen this guy in a minute, but it’ll be tough to toss him out. Dom eats a chokeslam. Reed gets booted out awkwardly by Omos. Bron spinebusts Ivar and tosses him out. #22 is Pat McAfee, but with Bron & Omos facing off he doesn’t have the best timing. Pat opts to climb over the top rope and eliminate himself a la Drew Carey. Cole’s record of being the longest lasting announcer in a Rumble is still intact. Omos gets eliminated by Bron, who then gets eliminated by Dom. JD McDonagh is #23, and the pacing of that last stretch was rough. Cody tries to eliminate Gunther. R-Truth is #24, and now there are three members of Judgment Day in…for a second, now there’s two since JD got eliminated. R-Truth wants a tag from Dom, Tom or Dick. He gets the tag! R-Truth slams down Gunther, but the Five Knuckle Shuffle gets blocked. The Miz is #25, and he has kicks for Gunther, along with a DDT. Miz & R-Truth work together for a second, but R-Truth saves Dom from Miz’s elimination. Dom hits the 619 on Miz. Damian Priest is #26. Priest goes right after R-Truth and tosses him out. Miz is tossed on the apron and rolls back in. Priest takes Gunther down, but can’t do the same to Cody. Priest on the apron, he’s back in, and CM Punk is Lucky #27. Knees in all four corners, clotheslines. Punk with a few words for Dom before tossing him out. Ricochet is #28. Priest almost eliminates him immediately. Punk & Jey go at it in the corner. Gunther knocks Miz off the top rope & to the floor. Drew McIntyre is #29, pretty great draw for him. Drew goes to town on everybody, especially Jey Uso. Priest isn’t a fan either. Jey with a superkick to Drew & spear to Gunther. Gunther hanging on to the ropes, and he manages to pull Jey out over the top. #30 is none other than Sami Zayn! Sami goes right after Drew, who put him out of action. Gunther & Punk both try to pull him off, but no success there. Priest is more successful but ends up on the apron. Drew literally flips Ricochet out of the ring. Cody with a Pedigree on Priest. Drew with a Futureshock on Punk. Sami explodes Drew into the corner. Helluva kick for Drew. Sami clotheslines Priest out. Drew sneaks up and tosses Sami out. Seth Rollins looks on from a skybox, as do Roman Reigns & Paul Heyman. Cody cutter on Gunther, answered with a clothesline by Gunther. Drew & Gunther take turns chopping Punk & Cody. Punk & Cody fight back. Drew goes for a claymore, but Punk avoids it. Drew’s a little too big for the GTS, and he headbutts Punk down. Claymore to Gunther & Cody, and one for Punk. Drew looks at the sign. Drew talks some smack to Punk, which results in Punk dumping Drew over the top. Gunther tries to dump Cody, but the opposite happens and we’re down to Cody & Punk. Punches exchanged, a double clothesline takes both men down. More punches exchanged. Cody with a powerslam to Punk. Punk with some rolling German suplexes. Bulldog by Punk. Reversals lead to more punches. Bionic elbow by Cody! Kick by Punk, Cody dumped onto the apron but rolls back in. CrossRhodes by Cody out of a GTS attempt. Punk with the GTS after a breather for both. Cody crucifixes Punk on the ropes, but lands on the apron. Back in the ring. Punk with a Pedigree of his own! Punk says he didn’t wait 10 years to lose to Dusty’s kid…but it turns out he did! Cody slips out of another GTS and grabs Punk by the head and vaults him over the top rope to the floor! Cody goes back to back at the Rumble!
Winner: Cody Rhodes (1:08:11)
Match Rating: ****1/4
I’m rating this a shade below the women’s Rumble, as I marked out more for Jade & Jordynne’s stints in the match than I did for the surprise male entrants and some of the men’s spots were a bit clunkier. Still a damn good Rumble match, and the right result too. Cody either needs to finish his damn story (the preferred ending) or not (would be kinda funny).
We don’t have to wait on who Cody is going to face at WrestleMania, as he starts pointing at Roman Reigns in his skybox a few miles away. This is good, as we could get our yearly serving size of “Who will they pick?” from Bayley.
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