wrestling / Video Reviews
Dark Pegasus Video Review: Battlebowl ’93
March 1, 2011 | Posted by
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| Battlebowl ’93 by J.D. Dunn Twitter.com/jddunn411 Facebook.com/jddunn411 You know the routine. A bunch of ‘randomly paired’ tag teams face off to qualify for a battle royal at the end of the night. Winner receives a brand new filthy blanket. Poor Cactus Jack catches quite the ass-whuppin’ here as he and Vader attack each other on the ramp and then Kane (although Kole’s name was drawn) joins in. Charlie Norris saves, but then the teams settle down into the way they were drawn. Vader shrugs off all of Norris’ offense and ENDS HIM with a powerbomb at 7:33. The Cactus/Vader dynamic made this more interesting than the wrestling deserved. *3/4 This is like some sick joke. Everyone here absolutely sucks a monkey penis, except, ironically enough, Missy Hyatt. Roma plays face-in-peril for a while, but the big conflict is between Badd and Knobbs because Badd refuses to cheat. Even Tony Schiavone says Badd should “do whatever it takes,” prompting Jesse’s jaw to drop. Watts hits a “beautiful crossbody” (according to Jesse), but Knobbs rolls through with a handful of tights at 12:56. DUD Steamboat looks pissed, making this a darned good match – probably the best match you’ll ever see involving Fred Ottman. Steamer and Orndorff open up, and Steamboat headscissors him out off a skin-the-cat move. That sets up a brawl on the floor and back into the ring. Shockmaster and Regal go at it, giving Jesse the opportunity to rail against NAFTA and how Shockmaster’s job will likely be shipped to Mexico. Well, not exactly, but he did disappear from mainstream wrestling about the same time that the luchadores came to prominence. Coincidence? Almost certainly. Regal and Orndorff do a nice sequence, but they’re both heels, so Steamboat gets mad at their sudden reliance on sportsmanship. That’s an interesting psychological point. If you become a sportsman and obey the rules, are you truly still a heel? Is heroism and villainy all in the eye of the beholder? Do you have anything written from the vampire’s point-of-view? Anyway, Regal avoids an avalanche in the corner and takes Sir William’s The Kongs are indistinguishable big, fat masked men. One is Awesome, with a capital “A” so as to distinguish it from the inappropriate adjective. The other is King, which probably makes him a target for a Jerry Lawler lawsuit. Dustin actually tries to wrestle. It’s kind of sad that he’s the designated wrestler. The two Kongs get tagged in and it’s just like Ax and Smash at the ’89 Rumble if Darsow and Eadie decided to cut Andre the Giant in half and make fat-guy suits out of the resulting flesh. Yeah, I’m kinda bored. King tags right back out so they don’t have to come to blows. The match breaks down, and the Kongs hit the Equalizer with a sandwich (the move, not the food product). Awesome conks heads with King, so Dustin bulldogs the Awesome Kong and gets the pin at 5:57. Hey, wouldn’t a good idea be to pin your own partner if the ref can’t tell the difference? It’d be a twist on the old Killer Bee switcheroo trick. This gets no love from me. 1/4* Sting is already having a verbal confrontation with Sags and his manager, Sags-Slightly-More. You’d think Sting would have more of an issue with Keith Cole, who Single White Femaled his look right down to the bleached mullet and DayGlo orange tights. Simmons was in the midst of one of those “I’m awesome and everyone around me is a fucking jobber so I’m pissed off” heel turns. Ron is patient for about ten minutes, but he finally gets pissed and nails Sting off a tie-up. Cole demonstrates why he’s a jobber (which doesn’t bode well for him) by tagging in and… grabbing a wristlock. Simmons: “DAMN!” Okay, not yet. That’d come later. Sting hits the Stinger splash on Cole, but Sags tags himself in and drops an elbow for the win at 13:08. Simmons didn’t even bother to save. This was not too bad, thanks to Simmons and Sting. **1/4 Austin demands to start instead of wrinkled, old Flair, but then Payne bats Austin around, so Austin wants to tag out. Flair, of course, is all, “Nahhh. Don’t think I’ll be doing that yet” and struts. Scorpio tags in, so Flair tags in. He gets more of the same from 2 Cold. Austin gets his ass handed to him again. Man, to think these are two of the most dominant guys ever. Austin bails and says he needs a new partner. Haha. I love that the characters are taking precedence over predetermined roles. I mean, Austin and Flair are sort of playing heels, but really they’re just being Austin and Flair. Finally, Austin antagonizes Flair to the point that Flair chases him around the ring. Payne tags in and goes all Vader on Flair. Flair avoids a running knee in the corner, though, and finishes with the figure-four at 14:30. They gave this the most time with good reason. I wish Austin would have finally got that promised elevation because he had great chemistry with Flair. ***1/4 Rude is intense here for some reason. Maybe it’s the sunburn. He gets pissed off early when Tex and Shanghai refuse to lock up. Rude and I have very different tastes in wrestling, I guess. Bagwell, who, at this point in his career embodies every criticism of John Cena, plays the face-in-peril. That goes on for a LOOOOONG time. Finally, Tex saves Bagwell from a certain pin, triggering a big-time brawl between the two Texicans. I was wrong. That was pretty good. Shanghai sunset flips Tex, holding him in place for the Rude Awakening at 14:50. I actually liked it much better when the Texas Hangmen were going at it. Bagwell’s beating strained credibility, and he catches another beating as the Hangmen reconcile and turn their aggressions on him. ** Hawk nails Rip with a clothesline for irritating him, and then Davey Boy and Kole continue the punishment down the ramp. Of course, that leaves Hawk alone against Smith and Kole (Booker T, in case you didn’t know). Jesse wonders why one would do something like that. Apparently, Jesse never saw Rip wrestle. Kole works in the spinaroonie off a bodyslam. Interesting. Davey Boy openly roots for Hawk, drawing the ire of Jesse the Body. Rip finally drags his carcass to the ring, so Hawk presses him onto Kole for the win at 7:50. Just a silly match to round out the tag team portion. * Let’s see. We got Vader, Cactus Jack, Knobbs, Sags, Badd, Flair, Austin, Sting, Rude, Pearce, King Kong, Dustin Rhodes, Shockmaster, Orndorff, Hawk & Rip Rogers. Rip is still staggering as he makes his way to the ring, and he’s the first to get eliminated. Stupid rule of the PPV: if you get tossed onto the ramp, you’re not eliminated. Badd gets tossed to the ramp and then tossed for real. Vader threatens to rip Cactus Jack’s eyes out, but he eliminates him before that can happen. Vader tosses Sting to the ramp. Sting returns to brawl with the Nasties as Vader brutalizes Flair. Things get uneventful as the heels dominate. Finally, Dustin eliminates both Nasty Boys to give the crowd something to cheer about. Austin dumps Dustin from behind. Hawk eliminates Rude, but Vader tosses Hawk. That leaves Vader, Flair, Sting and Austin as the final four. Flair and Race brawl out on the ramp where Flair suplexes Race. Vader sneaks up and squashes Flair with an elbowdrop to the groin. Sting senses a disturbance in the force and attacks Vader, prompting Austin to follow. A wailing Ric Flair is deemed unable to continue and wheeled out of the arena. That leaves Sting alone with Austin and Vader. Sting makes his own save and cleans house on the heels, but he can’t get Vader over, which allows Austin to recover. They finally corner him, and Vader turns Sting into a grease spot with a few splashes. Sting avoids the last one, though, and fires back. A heel doubleteam backfires, and Vader avalanches Austin. Sting knocks Austin to the ramp, but Austin rolls to the floor to eliminate himself. Back in, Sting and Vader collide and work in that “babyface falls and headbutts the heel’s crotch” spot. That would have been much better if Vader hadn’t lifted his head three times to make sure Sting was in the right spot. Sting sets up for the Stinger Splash, but Vader avoids it, sending Sting to the floor at 25:30. Laaaaaame! Once it got down to the final four, it was pretty good, but everything leading up to that was tedious. ** |
The 411: This was the last Battlebowl for three years, and it showed that the gimmick just didn't work because they weren't willing to put the effort into booking it. In retrospect, they probably should have just had the WCW Title be the prize and force the champion to defend it against all odds. Hell, they were putting Vader over anyway. Why not? What else are you going to do – have Austin win and use that as a jumping off point for a feud with Flair after Starrcade? Pfft. That's like… weeks away, 'n' stuff. It'll all come out in the wash. ::cough:: Anyway, the string of bad PPVs continues here, although nothing like the hideous fall of '93 that we'd become accustomed to. Recommendation to avoid. |
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| Final Score: 5.0 [ Not So Good ] legend |
