wrestling / Video Reviews

In The Downtime: Kaiju Big Battle: Terebi Sento

April 7, 2011 | Posted by John Downey
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In The Downtime: Kaiju Big Battle: Terebi Sento  

My brother actually bought this for himself a few years ago despite not being a wrestling fan. Kaiju Big Battel started off as a student project about simulating Japanese monster battles and has grown into…uh, a company that regularly simulates Japanese monster battles. Chris Hero showed up for a few shows not that long ago, so there’s some legitimacy to the product outside of the spectacle. This was their first DVD release, put out in 2003 despite covering a 2001 show (oh, indies!).

For reference, when I talk about performers knocking down buildings, I’m referring to little paper building cutouts. That should give you some indication of what I’m dealing with here.

Also, the DVD includes commercial breaks, with the ads sometimes representing real products but not most of the time. For my own amusement, I’ll treat them as though they were all real.

-Hosted by Louden Noxious (CHIKARA’s Gavin Loudspeaker), referee Jingi, and Dino Kang, Jr. (a dinosaur that only speaks in high-pitched shrieks that other people seem to understand, like Chewbacca from Star Wars).

-Kung Fu Chicken Noodle vs. Club Sandwich
As part of his video intro, Sandwich is seen clubbing an innocent bystander, despite being the face. Wait, am I trying to bring LOGIC into this?! They circle to begin with, almost knocking over a few buildings in the process, before Sandwich starts taking it to Noodle using his club. Noodle escapes harm by rolling under Sandwich, tripping him off his feet. A chef tries to help Sandwich to his feet, but Noodle executes a legdrop that seems to wake Sandwich up. Sandwich executes a splash onto Noodle in the corner (which is enough to get a replay with klaxons blaring), and then follows it up with a splash from the top rope for the victory at about 2:00 (shown). Probably the best match you could have asked for between a can of soup and a sandwich. 3/4*

-A video that, at first, appears to be a tribute to fallen warrior Midori No Kaiju turns into a commercial for his meat. Ookay.

-Clothing ad is shown. It’s in Japanese, but it looks decent enough if you’re into women’s clothing. Couldn’t figure out the name, though.

-Clips are shown of guys falling off of bikes. What it is advertising, I have no clue.

-Golden Banana Award for Tagteam Excellence Ceremony
I’ll leave their spelling uncorrected. The two candidates are Los Platanos (a pair of beans from Mars) and Team Space Bug. Los Platanos win, but Sky Deviler, a one-eyed blue creature, swallows the award and rips off Dino Kang, Jr.’s arm, which starts gushing blood.

-Great exchange back in the studio:
Noxious: “Goodness! Dino Kang, how did you ever survive that?”
Kang: (high pitched shrieking)
Jingi: “That’s absolutely true…without that arm, you wouldn’t be able to walk.” Jingi suppresses laughter. SEND FOR THE MAN!

-Unsanctioned Match: Team Space Bug (Sky Deviler and Mota Naru) vs. Los Platanos
Brawl to start. One Platano russian legsweeps Naru, a monster who appears to be made of plastic red balls, into a building. Naru powerbombs one to recover, and Deviler rides the other Platano like a horse. Deviler spears one in a corner, and Naru hits a Falling Chokeslam on the other (with steam shooting out of his back for punctuation). The Platanos are whipped into each other, and a voice reminiscent of the announcer from “The Dukes Of Hazzard” says “Oh, looks like them boys got themselves into some trouble” while “To Be Continued…” appears on the screen.

-Commercial for more clothing apparel. Apparently, it deflects monsters.

-Ad for…the juice of Midori No Kaiju?

-A Kaiju monster is shown riding a motorcycle. Squint your eyes, take some mushrooms, down some absinthe, and shake your head from side to side repeatedly, and you might mistake it for a Magnum TA video package from the 80’s.

-And we’re back. Team Space Bug starts fighting each other. Los Platanos get popcorn and watch the two sloppily fight. There’s a spot where Naru looks like he was waiting to be knocked down with something, while Deviler was waiting for Naru to take a bump, resulting in a whole lot of nothing happening for thirty seconds (Noxious: “I kind of wish something would just…happen”). Deviler eventually hits a Swanton on Naru, and Los Platanos decide to beat up Deviler. They hit a sweet double dropkick, double clothesline, battering kick, Poetry in Motion, Poetry in Flipping, and the Plantain Hurricane (grabbing each other’s feet and rolling forward, ending in a spear). They are like the Motor City Machine Guns, if they were vegetables from space. They start pulling random objects out of Deviler’s mouth, and find the Golden Banana at about 6:00. Ludicrous stuff here, and I kind of wish they had framed the whole thing as a proper tag match. Los Platanos’s offense was fun to watch, though. [*1/4]

-Another ad for the meat of Midori No Kaiju. It can feed a giant city-crushing monster. Sure, but it won’t satisfy a teenage boy going through puberty.

-Two guys start talking about their penises. No, wait, they are talking about toys shaped like penises. Um, that might be worse.

-Ad for www.dubtitled.com . Appears to be MST3K as done by marijuana enthusiasts, so there’s likely plenty of crossover appeal here. A basic search for it finds unused web space.

-Three-Way-Dance: Dusto Bunny vs. American Beetle vs. Mung Wun
Bunny is put over as a wise man despite looking like a bunny put through a dryer. Beetle believes that he is a former president, and is clad in red spandex from head to toe, wears a mask, and has patriotic underwear. Wun is a green beetle. Bunny starts things off by taking out Wun with a series of strikes. Beetle takes Bunny down with a loose clothesline. He ties Bunny into the ropes even more loosely and starts hitting him with kicks. A slingshot kick is executed with all the grace of a drunk four-year-old attempting a cartwheel. An inadverdent light tap from Beetle on Jingi after a Bunny strike is granted a klaxon-blaring replay, while Jingi tries to be neutral about it. Beetle rakes Bunny’s eyes over the ropes, then executes a russian legsweep into a building. Beetle further dismantles Bunny with a flying bulldog. Mung Wun GIVES BIRTH, though, so Jingi stops the match at 2:36 to deal with the baby drama. Uchu Chu enters the ring and starts fighting Beetle while the commentary team starts asking who the baby daddy is. Wasn’t going too well going into the finish, but the audience seemed to be into it. The ending was just weird enough to work. *

-Ad airs putting over the Kaiju website.

-Commercial for music by The Lot Six. Typical emo music.

-George Cox plays your favorite songs! Two disk set covering 1977-2003! Includes “Stab-ploppy”, “Hamaji-sye”, “Rip and Tear”, and many more! I found no info on a Google Search for any of this, and the only information given in the commercial is for his phone number—617-921-6144—so if you need to hear nonsensical songs played on an unplugged electric guitar, you’ll have to search for yourself.

-Kaiju Grand Championship: Uchu Chu © vs. Dr. Cube
Dr. Cube wears a large white box on his head and is dressed in medical scrubs. Uchu Chu is a bug, but his gear looks more comfortable than anything worn by anyone else on the show. Cube refuses to fight right off the bat, and sends his minions in to do the fighting for them. The first wave doesn’t do the job, and the super minions Cube sends in afterwards aren’t much more effective. Cube calls in Super Akuma (a guy in a Great Sasuke-like getup) to do the fighting for him. Chu outbids hims, but Cube offers $15 million. Akuma turns that down, though, and Chu and Akuma double-team Cube spectacularly. The mask of Cube is ripped off to show a mask of a deformed person (which is put over as his actual face). Chu works in a Mexican Surfboard. Sweet. The fight goes out of the ring, but Akuma accidently takes out Chu on a dive. It isn’t clear if Akuma has been entered into this match as a combatant or as a very interested party—or if anybody cares. Chu starts slapping Akuma around, which proves to be a bad idea when Akuma works in the WCW cruiserweight Rope Legdrop and a swank DDT. He puts on a one-armed camel clutch, but Chu powers out of it. Akuma smacks him with a building, but Chu hits a sunset flip for a 2 count (guess that answers that question). Chu hits a double powerbomb and a la magistral for a two count. Cube returns and knocks them both down with a nonsensical ladder. He hits a fisherman’s suplex on Chu for a…no count? C’mon Jingi, count that man down! Cube puts Chu into a “tree of ladder woe” and hits a dropkick. Well, this is certainly different than the rest of the stuff on the show. Akuma whips Cube into the ladder, splashes Chu in the corner, throws the ladder down onto a prone Cube, then hits a flipping senton onto Cube. Did somebody put speed into their drinks? Chu knocks Akuma over with the ladder, then hits a gorgeous standing moonsault onto Cube. A sunset flip from Chu on Akuma lands both of them into a catfood factory. Oh, the horror! He covers Cube for a very slow count (even called as much by Noxious), but The Commissioner (who sounds like Arnold Shwarzenegger) interrupts with a video message at about 11:00 (shown) and expresses his bad blood with Dr. Cube. He finishes up by calling the Kaiju heroes to arms.


-The faces come out and clear house while the most insane fake J-Pop love ballad music video known to man starts playing over the proceedings. Silver Potato is given a grand entrance, and he executes a moonsault onto Dr. Cube. It doesn’t sound that strange, but…screw it, it’s the Internet:

As far as the match goes, it was surprisingly good. It cut a good pace, the moves were pretty sweet, and the insanity of the surroundings was used to add onto things instead of being a crutch. Sure, there was little to no story and it was pretty cheesy, but sometimes cheese just tastes good. ***1/4

-Credits get shown over bloopers and fun happenings at the show.

-Piebald show up and play “American Hearts” (you know, that infernal “You’re part of it!” song). It sounds about as good now as it did when it came out—in other words, not good.

The 411: Judging just by the star ratings, this looks downright horrible, which is why matches shouldn't be judged in a vacuum. The matches are sprinkled with effective production flourishes that put over the ridiculous nature of the proceedings and enhance the experience, and while the main program clocks in at less than an hour, there is a lot of fun packed into this thing that can be enjoyed by non-wrestling fans. Just look at it as something to have fun with and you should enjoy it.
Final Score:  6.2   [ Average ]  legend

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John Downey

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