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If you like people taking a long time to climb ladders, then boy, I’ve got the show for you! Live from London’s sold-out O2 Arena, it’s WWE’s annual lightbulb-changing simulator… sorry, I mean Money in the Bank.

Of course we’ve a kick-off show, but there’s no pre-show match as it’s the usual pattern of video packages that you’ll see during the main show… and news that the man’s Money in the Bank ladder match is going to open things up. HMM…

The main show opens with that James Bond-esque video package to build up everything…

Money In The Bank Ladder Match: Butch vs. Shinsuke Nakamura vs. Santos Escobar vs. Damian Priest vs. Ricochet vs. LA Knight vs. Logan Paul
Michael Cole and Wade Barrett are on commentary for this one, and boy, LA Knight’s over isn’t he? More so than Butch, I’d dare say…

All the wrestlers gang up on Logan Paul early as the ring cleared inside the opening minute… leading to Paul bringing in a ladder as we’re into the ladder-aided stuff early. Priest gets trapped behind a ladder in the corner before LA Knight came in to clear house. He’s getting cut off a lot, left on the back burner as the first square-off involved Nakamura and Butch.

That doesn’t last long though as Paul quickly climbs the ladder and got scolded by the wrestlers for not stalling. You know the rules, Logan! Butch grabs a couple of tables from under the ring, just for the LOLS, before he grabbed a cricket bat. He’s doing better than the England cricket team have been recently though…

Paul tried to form a partnership with Damian Priest, which sparks some chants about what Logan does in his spare time. Priest turns on him, which London loved, before Ricochet dove through an open ladder to a pile on the outside. Problem was, that left LA Knight alone, but his Wrestler’s Slow Ladder Climb got cut off by Paul.

We go back to Damian Priest trying to end Logan Paul, but his attempt to suplex him through a ladder’s cut off by Butch as Priest ended up draped across said ladder… and of course, Logan Paul does the move onto the ladder, hitting a standing frog splash onto Priest. Unfortunately for Damian, that ladder didn’t give. More ladder fun in the ring sees Nakamura hit a baseball slide German suplex to take Ricochet off a ladder bridge, before Butch caught Escobar in a rear naked choke on the top of the ladder… dragging Santos onto a ladder bridge for Ricochet’s springboard 450 splash to show that ladder also wasn’t breakable.

From there we get the video gamey stand-off and scream as we’re back to climbing the ladder. Poor Priest’s back suplexed off of it by Knight, who then ate a Paul Blockbuster as we’re into Parade of Moves territory for a while. We’re outside as Butch climbs a ladder for the sake of moonsaulting into a pile, before his attempt to climb a second one in the ring was stopped by Paul.

Cue boos as Paul climbs the ladder, but he’s cut-off as we begin the “everyone tries to have a climb and gets stopped” part of proceedings. LA Knight sets up a ladder but ends up getting ‘rana’d off it by Escobar… Paul and Ricochet springboard onto the pair of ladders as we seemed to enter the home stretch, with Escobar and Nakamura’s ladder getting kicked away. Knight tries to knock the Paul/Ricochet ladder, sending the pair of them into the ropes as Ricochet eventually took a Spanish Fly off the top rope onto the pair of tables. Only one of them broke, and that was with Ricochet’s head and Logan Paul’s neck landing on it. Christ fellas…

After the replays we’ve Butch and Knight on the ladders, but a finger snapper takes Knight down… Butch can’t unclip the case, so Priest heads up to throw Butch backwards into a ladder in the corner. Knight’s back to take care of Priest, then Escobar, and finally Nakamura before Knight began to unhook the case… Priest goozles him, then threw him off the top and climbed one final time to undo the case. Cue CGI Bud Light, and an unhappy London crowd as I guess LA Knight’s still writing his story. A fun, if not overly chaotic ladder match that’ll get everyone’s favourite Safety Police involved after that goddamn Ricochet/Paul table spot. Jeez fellas… ***½

Cue a Ronda Rousey video package that plays under the adverts on Peacock…

WWE Women’s Tag Team Championship: Ronda Rousey & Shayna Baszler (c) vs. Liv Morgan & Raquel Rodriguez
Ronda Rousey’s makeup, presumably a Red Dwarf tribute (yes, I know it’s really Dragon Ball Z, but I’m throwing in British references here), while Liv’s gone all Ginger Spice for her gear. If you know…

Shayna Baszler looked to focus on Morgan’s previously-injured shoulder to start, but Liv’s springboard dropkick took Baszler outside. Rodriguez takes care of Rousey before powerbombing Liv into the pile… but back in the ring, Baszler stomps on the elbow as Morgan’s bad wing came into play.

Morgan’s kept isolated for a while, with Rousey tagging in as she races to stop Morgan tagging out. Eventually Liv gets free and tagged in Rodriguez, who runs wild with slams before she got caught with a triangle armbar from Rousey on the top rope. An avalanche powerbomb breaks that up, but Morgan tagged back in and was quickly double-teamed with submissions.

Baszler’s back with a Kirifuda clutch to Morgan in the middle of the ring… Liv breaks free, only for Rousey to tag in. EXCEPT BASZLER JUMPS ROUSEY FROM BEHIND in a mini Horsewoman beatdown, choking out Rousey before she walked away. It’s academic from there, with Rousey left alone as the Ob-Liv-Ion got the win. Well, I mean that’s giving us Baszler and Rousey but that sure came out of the blue – and seemed to be totally against the obvious story of the match. **½

Next month, it’s SummerSlam and its PS2-era racing game logo…

Backstage, Kayla Braxton’s with Damian Priest. He wants to be called Señor Money in the Bank and teases cashing in… and then it’s off to another bloody advert for the new Mission Impossible movie.

WWE Intercontinental Championship: Matt Riddle vs. Gunther (c)
These two have had some real crackers on the indies in the past… and I can assure you, “Gunther” started his career not in the Electric Ballroom, but in Switzerland, if Cagematch is right… so yeah, Rings of Europe and wXw LONG BEFORE PROGRESS.

Riddle ducks a chop early on, then caught Gunther with a triangle armbar in the ropes before Gunther found a way through with a chop. Riddle fights back, landing an overhead kick as he evaded a chop, before pulling Gunther into an ankle lock as he tried for another one. Kicks from Riddle are eventually caught as a leg sweep dumped the challenger, allowing Gunther to remove the tape on Riddle’s ankle.

Gunther eats a bicycle knee strike from Riddle, but that’s shrugged off as a German suplex flung Riddle aside. On the mat, duelling leg locks looked to have Gunther on track, before Riddle’s comeback ended when his back senton landed in the clutches of a rear naked choke.

Escaping, Riddle ends up eating a lariat for a near-fall, before a ripcord knee kept things swinging back and forth. A PK and a twisting back senton followed for more two-counts, but Gunther’s back to the chops before he went up top… and landed in a triangle armbar as he went for a splash. Gunther powerbombs his way out for a near-fall, then rolled in for a half crab.

Gunther chops Riddle’s bad ankle, then pulled him into a leg lock for the submission. The crowd were shockingly not into this for large portions, but at least it was kept short with the right result. ***

Ah, this crowd remembers how to make noise. Drew McIntyre’s sword sounds as he made his WWE return. Last time Drew was on a UK PPV he was singing with Tyson Fury afterwards, but this time he headbutts Gunther before a Claymore laid out the Austrian. Looks like that’s next, and that’s got my attention…

We’ve a video package for Cody and Dominik – the story Cody’s telling because he couldn’t finish his last one.

Dominik Mysterio vs. Cody Rhodes
I’m forever amazed at how loud the boos are given how few people in the crowd are visibly making mouth noises… while those WOAH-OHs nearly blew my headphones.

Cody’s got his Iron Mike Sharpe cast on, as Dominik’s all about the stick and move early on. Cody threw the cast off after 90 seconds as Dom tried to run away… Cody gives chase and threw him back into the ring as the arse kicking began. Basement uppercut, mudhole stomping, the works.

Dom slips out of a Cross Rhodes attempt and headed into the crowd, but Cody retrieves him again before Rhea Ripley got in Cody’s face. Dom slides back into the ring and looks to undo a turnbuckle pad… the ref stops him and distracts himself as Rhea and Dom combined to post Cody.

It’s one-sided from there as Dominik looked to keep things on the outside, which allowed the production truck to turn up the crowd for those “oh, Dominik’s a wanker” chants. Back inside, Dominik grounds Cody with a chinlock, before Cody stopped the Three Amigos with a front suplex.

A Disaster Kick from Cody nearly wins it, before another distraction opened the door for Dom, who dropkicks Cody into the rope for a 619… which is caught and turned into a spinning Alabama Slam. Shoutout to one of Cody’s old tag partners right there. A Cody Cutter’s next, before Cross Rhodes ended this one – entertaining while it lasted, but no way on earth should Dom have won this. ***

Cue the montage of timelapse shots of London… and a dig at the AEW video game…

AND NOW JOHN CENA IS IN LONDON? Cue the sprint to the ring as “it’s time to go to work.” I could make a Marius al-Ani reference here, but nobody will get that. We play singalong with Cena’s music as Cena talked about this being the first WWE premium event in London in over 20 years. Thirty if you only count the ones that matter.

Cena plays the crowd like a fiddle as he mentioned how “they” don’t like the UK fans, which is why it’s been so long. “You are the show” only encourages them, before he teased the crowd with a WrestleMania in London. I’m old enough to remember when my MP was campaigning for that. It’s amazing what another company running Wembley Stadium does to WWE’s plans for the UK, eh?

Anyway, Cena’s interrupted by Grayson Waller, who gets the “who are ya?” chants from London as Waller then mocked the idea of WrestleMania in the UK. Waller tries to campaign for it to be in Australia, and disappointingly didn’t bring up the Ashes. C’mon Waller, that stuff’s on a plate for you right now. Anyway, Waller brings up Cena’s recent losses, and this bit’s gone on too long. Waller attacks Cena from behind, only to eat a FU in return.

Money In The Bank Ladder Match: Bayley vs. IYO SKY vs. Zelina Vega vs. Zoey Stark vs. Trish Stratus vs. Becky Lynch
…or as Michael Cole called it, the Money in the Contract ladder match.

Zoey Stark’s sent by Trish Stratus to attack Becky before the bell as those three scrapped in the aisle… Vega leaps off the apron with a Meteora to Bayley, only for SKY and Bayley to double-team Vega on the outside. Stratus and Stark try to send SKY into a ladder propped up by the ring, but Stark eventually pops SKY into the side of it.

Trish climbs up that sloped ladder – but not the way you’d think – as her and Stark headed into the ring. Bayley and IYO knock the ladder – and Stratus – down as Bayley proceeded to swap out ladders. Bayley hates her old song being sung, so the crowd eventually quietens down as Vega gets pulled back and forth under the ladder.

Bayley and SKY argued over who’d climb… Becky stops them and climbs herself, dealing with Stark’s attempt to cut her off as Stark ended up wedged between the rungs. Lynch climbs again and pulls Stark into a Dis-Arm-Her between the rungs… Trish’s headscissors take care of that as we’re back to everyone getting cut-off.

SKY climbs with Trish, but gets knocked off with a Chick Kick before Vega walked across Trish like a bridge, going from the small ladder to the big one. Stark cuts off Vega on top as a changearound led to Bayley knocking Becky off the ladder. An elbow drop crashes into Lynch from there as SKY does the Wrestler Slow Climb, but the ladder’s nowhere near the briefcase… so she moonsaults off the ladder and into the pile below.

Trish wasn’t in the mix, so she’s able to climb up… but Becky races up to cut her off, eventually pushing Trish off the top. Zoey Stark intervenes, but gets thrown outside as we end up with Vega heading up top… and again getting cut off as Becky and Trish powerbombed her instead.

Becky and Trish square off from there, leading to Trish getting thrown into the middle turnbuckle. SKY and Bayley set up a ladder bridge before Bayley took a Stratusfaction bulldog onto it… Stark pulls Becky outside for a superkick, leaving Trish alone in the ring. Except Stark’s got an insurance policy as she pulled out some handcuffs. They can’t quite ‘cuff up Becky, who broke free and cleared the announce table… so she could bridge a ladder between the ring and the table.

Trish tries to stop Stark going through it, but she takes a uranage onto the ladder. Did they forget to gimmick any of them?! Stark’s neckbreaker took care of Becky, before Zoey climbed the ladder and got clobbered with Zelina Vega’s flip flop. Vega heads off the top rope with a Code Red into the ladder bridge – still not gimmicked, and that was goddamn scary.

SKY heads up top, but gets shoved off the ladder by Bayley… SKY crashes and burns into the ropes. Bayley tries to capitalise, but Becky cut her off and fish-hooked her with the handcuffs… we’re back up with Becky, but Bayley and SKY work together to delay Becky, who then got handcuffs to Bayley through the ladder by SKY. HAH!

IYO climbs over the stricken Bayley from there, and it’s an easy win from there. I loved that finish, an inventive use of the plunder they had, but my God this was a tough watch – both in terms of how rough around the edges things looked and how many times I grimaced. ***

More London touristy shots, MORE… and then it’s recap time of the men’s Money in the Bank ladder match.

WWE World Heavyweight Championship: Finn Balor vs. Seth Rollins (c)
Of course they played up the SummerSlam 2016 match big time – remember when all everyone was upset about was the red belt?

An early kick to the midsection from Balor targeted Rollins’ taped ribs, but Seth’s able to turn it around and knock Balor down on the outside with a tope. A legdrop catches Balor on the side of the ring, but Balor misses a stomp to the ribs as Seth looked for a Pedigree… only to get stomped on the ribs anyway.

Balor aims for the ribs from there, giving Seth a kicking on the outside before shoulder charges in the corner continued the focus. A discus lariat from Rollins bought him some time, as did a backbreaker and a diving knee, but Balor homes in on those taped-up ribs as he regained the upper hand.

Rollins stopped a second Slingblade with a superkick, before he bucklebomb’d him – a throwback to that SummerSlam match… but a splash off the top lands in Balor’s knees. Another turnaround led to Balor trying for a Coup de Grace, but Seth rolls away only to get rolled up for a near-fall.

Rollins lands a Pedigree for a near-fall… and cue Damian Priest coming out with his briefcase. The crowd begged Priest to cash it in, but instead he takes a seat as Balor ends up shotgun dropkicking Rollins into the guard rails, following up with a Coup de Grace off the announce table. Another shotgun dropkick awaits Rollins back inside, before Priest teased a cash in as Balor went up top.

That distraction buys Rollins time as he evades the Coup de Grace, then hit the curb stomp for the win. Enjoyable, but the re-airing of the ladder match kinda had you expecting the Damian Priest stuff. ***¼

Post-match, Balor and Priest argued – with Balor upset that Priest’s appearance at ringside overshadowed him…

Next Friday, SmackDown in MSG with Edge on the Grayson Waller Effect… and now a video package on Edge to mask some adverts on Peacock?

Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn are in a VIP suite with their tag titles… Kayla Braxton’s interrupting their peace as they’re asked about the Bloodline Civil War.

The Usos (Jey Uso & Jimmy Uso) vs. Roman Reigns & Solo Sikoa
This is going to be the part where I’m relying on video packages for the status of this civil war…

The London crowd made sure to call Solo Sikoa a “tribal wanker” – and I assume not because of his tattoos. Jimmy Uso scores a few chops, but Solo hits back before Jey hit a gamengiri behind the ref’s back, allowing the Usos to take a brief advantage. They turn up the ring mics so we can hear Roman Reigns screaming at Solo, since he wanted to tag in…

Jey rips off his t-shirt as he prepared to square up to Reigns, and yeah, a headlock keeps this at what I’ll charitably call a deliberate pace. A double superkick attempt from the Usos forces Roman to scurry, and we’re back to the community theatre stuff as Paul Heyman “inspired” Roman to keep up the fight.

Sikoa tags back in as we cross the ten minute mark with a nerve hold. Yup. Jey fought out of it and tagged in Jimmy… who’s met with a forearm as he came off the ropes. They sure needed a breather after that, so the crowd make their own fun by chanting “if you hate Roman, stand up” – which prompted Roman to sit his arse down on the apron.

A hip attack from Solo crashes into Jimmy… Roman tags in to hit a Drive By on the apron to get a two-count, before a big boot about a minute later drew a two-count. Solo’s back to that goddamned nerve hold, but Jimmy escapes… and fights off Roman only for Solo to pull Jey off the apron. You know how that goes if you’ve watched wrestling for any period of time.

Reigns goes for a Superman punch, but Jimmy ducks and sends the pair outside with a Cactus Clothesline. Yep. Jimmy gets back in and makes that hot tag, but Solo’s in too as Jey pulled ahead, crashing into Solo with a crossbody off the top for what felt like the first near-fall of this match. We’re 20 minutes deep, by the way…

Jey adds a hip attack to Solo in the corner, but a second one’s stopped as Roman made a blind tag in… only to get clotheslined to the outside for a tope. Solo gets a tope too, before Roman’s Superman punch cut off the parade of dives… a blind tag brings Jimmy in as the Usos hit a double spear that almost won the match.

A staredown among all four breaks down, but Roman and Jimmy stay in the ring to trade blows, ending with a Superman punch that almost won it for Roman. Superkicks from Jimmy take Roman down, but his follow-up splash off the top is caught and turned into a guillotine by Reigns, who looked to choke out Jimmy… but the arm drop gimmick keeps him in it. A tag brings in Jey, but Roman clocks him… and now we have a ref bump at the 26 minute mark.

With no ref, the 1D – formerly the 3D – lands for a visual ten count, but there’s no ref so… eh. My favourite trope in wrestling, going for the pin when you know there’s no bloody ref. A turnaround leads to duelling uranages from Solo and Roman, before a spike and a spear laid out Jey as the Usos got stacked up… but it’s not enough as the pair kicked out at two.

After a minute of shock and awe, Roman and Solo resume the attack, with Jimmy getting thrown into the ring steps. Jimmy’s draped across the announce table as Solo prepared to jump off the barricades… but Jimmy moves away and Solo breaks the table by himself. Jey and Roman trade see-saw strikes, leading to a spear for a near-fall, with Jey’s kick-out being a low blow as well…

The Usos push on with superkicks for all, before Jey’s splash off the top finally proved to be enough. Yeah, this match wasn’t my cup of tea – a 32 minute match with about half of it being dead air… but in storyline, they’ve progressed this story by showing Roman isn’t unbeatable. *

Post-match, the Usos celebrate, Roman seethes, and we get a show-ending recap package as I guess the next chapter is “which Uso faces the beatable Roman at SummerSlam?”