Random Network Reviews: WWF St. Valentine’s Day Massacre

WWF St. Valentine’s Day Massacre
February 14th, 1999 | The Pyramid in Memphis, Tennessee | Attendance: 19,028

The infamous Austin/McMahon rivalry was at its peak. Vince had just screwed Austin out of winning his third straight Royal Rumble, but gave up his WrestleMania title shot. Commissioner Shawn Michaels awarded it to the runner-up, Austin, who then put it on the line for a chance at Vince in a Steel Cage here. Got it? 1999 was a messy time for storylines and it would only get more complicated over the summer. This was the 27th In Your House event and the only one titled St. Valentine’s Day Massacre.

The opening video package starts with a song straight out of the 1920’s. Vince and Austin are the focal point but others get some shine. Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are on commentary. There’s a “Jerry” chant since it’s his hometown.

Goldust def. Bluedust in 3:07
Bluedust is the Blue Meanie cosplaying as Goldust, but in blue. He has the same theme and everything. Goldust attacks quickly and once Bluedust gets an opening, he goes outside to taunt. Bluedust does some poorly inspired leg work. Goldust responds by giving Bluedust a wedgie and spanking him because we all apparently needed to see Meanie’s ass. Curtain Call ends things. I’d go lower on the rating but it was too short to be too offensive. DUD

They recap an Austin/McMahon segment from Heat.

WWF Hardcore Championship: Bob Holly def. Al Snow in 10:02
He’s no longer Sparkplug, not yet Hardcore. Both men represent the JOB Squad, which is ironic since someone must go over here. The title is vacant. Cole thinks a win would erase the memory of Sparkplug, but we’ll never forget. Snow and Holly brawl spend less than a minute in the ring. Their fight takes them backstage and wail on each other with random weapons including a payphone. “Reach out and touch somebody,” says comedian Al. Not only do they fight outside but they go across the street and into the Mississippi River. “I WANT YOU TO MEET MY GIRLFRIEND, BARBIE WIRE!” More from comedian Al as he chokes Bob with some cheap looking barbed wire. Holly wins by wrapping Snow in a chain link fence. Hokey, random weapons stuff surrounding lots of walking around to get to the next place. It felt more like they went outside for the sake of it than anything else. The result was a bit of a surprise so there’s that. *¾

Footage airs of the Undertaker giving the Ministry a pep talk because Mideon is in action tonight. Like, of all the Ministry members to have on the card you put Mideon?

Big Boss Man def. Mideon in 6:20
I’m fully expecting this to be awful. Boss Man does the offense he’s known for. Punches, neck snap, chokes and the middle rope “sit on your neck” attack. The fans are totally silent until a “boring” chant kicks in. It isn’t surprising considering two unlikable heels are going at it. Boss Man is way past his prime and Mideon never had one. After what seems like an eternity, Boss Man wins with the Boss Man slam. A complete drag that was used to set up another shit match at WrestleMania for the Boss Man. -**¾

The Ministry show up and jump Boss Man while Undertaker watches. No help from the Corporation as they take him away.

WWF Tag Team Championship: Jeff Jarrett and Owen Hart (c) w/ Debra def. D-Lo Brown and Mark Henry w/ Ivory in 9:34
Ivory is the equalizer for Debra. Henry gives her a gift because he’s “Sexual Chocolate.” Nothing special at the start. D-Lo and Owen have some decent back and forth though. Brown gets isolated since he’s the smaller member of his team. D-Lo gets an opening by countering ten corner punches from Owen into the Sky High. D-Lo’s rally calls for the Lo Down but Debra distracts him. Ivory pulls her down and they argue, even though Ivory threatened to do much more in an earlier interview. Owen uses the guitar on Henry inside. Jarrett slaps on the figure four with the broken guitar shards RIGHT IN PLAIN SIGHT. Henry taps. Another boring match tonight. There was no excitement and the tag formula wasn’t done very well. *½

Mankind is interviewed about the Last Man Standing match later but doesn’t say anything special.

WWF Intercontinental Championship: Val Venis w/ Ryan Shamrock def. Ken Shamrock (c) in 15:52
Billy Gunn is the special referee, though it looked like he was on a course to dethrone Shamrock. In typical Vince Russo fashion, a wrench was thrown into that for the sake of it. Ken is mad because porn star Val made a film with his sister. Yet he’s the heel. Shamrock is aggressive from the start. They trade stuff but the most interesting part of the match is whatever Ryan or Billy do on the side. Val works a lengthy chin lock where the camera catches way too much of Billy in his tiny shorts. The crowd is mostly quiet until Val grinds, which also gets a smile from Ryan. She helps Val, leading Ken to get in her face only to get slapped. Billy tries to help, causing him and Ken to get into it. Billy levels him and rolls him inside, where Val pulls him into a small package. Billy does the quick count and we have a new champion. Almost everything about this match was strangely set up. Ken should have been the babyface, Billy felt kind of out of place and it was honestly mostly boring. *

Ken and Billy go at it in the aisle but Billy makes it to the ring to attack Val and ruin his celebration.

Chyna and Kane def. Triple H and X-Pac in 14:42
Chyna split from DX, leading to this match. She joined the Corporation, though Triple H was apparently Corporation all along. Whatever. Shane McMahon joins commentary for this. Chyna and Kane work well together. The crowd ate up this heel turn for Chyna. Too bad they would throw it away for a HHH heel turn at Mania, though HHH’s turn ended up being the best thing for him personally. Shane berates X-Pac, calling him X-Punk on commentary ahead of their WrestleMania match. The reaction for the possibility of a Bronco Buster on Chyna is insane. The match breaks down and X-Pac eventually whacks Shane at ringside. He also hits Chyna with the Bronco Buster but Shane comes in and clotheslines him. X-Pac no sells and chases him to the back. HHH hits Chyna with a knee but Kane Chokeslams him. He drapes Chyna over HHH and that ends things. The crowd was way into this, which helped things. It may have gone a bit long but was mostly entertaining at times. **½

WWF Championship Last Man Standing Match: Mankind (c) and The Rock wrestled to a draw in 21:52
These two had already met in standard singles matches, an I Quit match and an Empty Arena match. This was right after Rock’s titty surgery and he couldn’t wear his typical gear. To start, Mankind turns his back on Rock, a call back to their Rumble match. They brawl towards the entrance where Mankind throws Rock into steel. They go backstage and wail on each other there for a while. Back to the ring and Mankind misses a hideous take on the Corporate Elbow. The steel steps and steel chairs come into play and we get the infamous spot where the Rock misses Mankind and hits the ropes with the chair ricocheting into his face. Classic. Rock counters a piledriver through the table attempt with a backdrop that sends Mick onto the timekeeper’s table. He’s down on the ground and Rock casually throws the steps out onto him. Foley somehow gets up but is still wounded. Rock beats his ass and serenades him with Elvis but it backfires when he takes the Mandible Claw. There’s a ref bump during this scuffle because, Russo. They trade finishers with the ref back up but neither are enough to end it. Simultaneous chair shots keep both men down for ten. The fans chant “bullshit” since they were promised a winner. This was going well but never reached the level of their best work together. ***¼

Both men do the stretcher job to add to the drama.

Steel Cage Match: Steve Austin def. Vince McMahon in 7:57
The pop for Austin is nuts. Vince does a ton of stalling before the actual match begins. A stall tactic works here because the crowd badly wanted Austin to get his hands on Vince and making them wait would make it sweeter. Austin gives chase until Vince runs in and prevents him from entering the cage. Austin feigns a knee injury, goading Vince in and the beating begins. Austin kicks his ass all around the arena and through the crowd. They fight up the side of the cage, where Austin smashes Vince’s head into the steel and he bounces off, falling through the announce table. Kudos to Vince for taking that bump. They go to declare Austin the winner but he takes the mic and says that’s bullshit. Austin brings Vince back in off the stretcher to officially start the match. It’s a one-sided beating but Austin has a chance to win twice, only to be goaded back in by Vince flipping him off. Austin hits the Stunner but the debuting PAUL WIGHT breaks through the bottom of the ring. He beats up Austin, but throws him into the cage so hard that it breaks and Austin falls to the floor. The fun beating that it needed to be without overdoing it. They did a good job of making you think Austin might get screwed by Wight or his own hatred (not winning when he had the chance) but I felt the finish wasn’t a strong one. **¾

2.5

The final score: review Very Bad

The 411

This was on the way to being one of the worst Pay-Per-Views I’ve ever seen. Starting with Goldust/Bluedust, Holly/Snow and Mideon/Boss Man was an awful decision. The Tag Title and Intercontinental Title matches didn’t turn things around. It was until the final three matches that things became watchable. Mankind/Rock was MOTN but even that wasn’t great. Austin/Vince and the DX tag were both decent. A lame show heading into what turned out to be a shitty WrestleMania.