wrestling / Columns
The Cheers ‘n Jeers of Wrestling 11.24.08: Survivor Series, Santino Marella, The Miz, John Morrison and More!
Hey everybody, how’s it go? Sorry (or, “you’re welcome”) for no Dope this week. A last minute birthday party for a friend (and the accompanying last minute booze and drugs) saw to it that I was more fit to be found passed out in a hotel than to be providing a Smackdown recap. I’ve had the preposterous accusation that I talk about drugs to “look cool” thrown my way in the past, but as I write this late Sunday eve (or early Monday morn for the 9 to 5 set), I don’t feel too cool. I can’t believe that some people put themselves through the wringer every weekend. I can’t believe I used to. So, are we cheer-ing, or…?
CHEERS
To the 22nd annual Survivor Series for featuring, you know, actual Survivor Series matches. For many years we saw ourselves being weaned off the elimination matches as the WWE pursued more of a Fall ‘Mania direction, a Summerslam in November, if you will. On several occasions we’ve even had the Thanksgiving-ish tradition pass us by with no traditional matches at all, but it seems the WWE is coming around and has finally seen the error of it’s non-traditionalist ways. That, or going old school fits in with the memo about making PPVs a little more distinguishable. Either way, I’m all for as many elimination bouts as they can fit on the card, and the ones last night were a lot of fun for the most part, if ultimately forgettable. It might not be a bad idea to add some incentives for the winning teams every year, like we saw once in ’05. Title matches, getting to run the show, or gang banging the team’s choice of Diva…you know, whatever.
Yes! I was 3 for 3 on the elimination match predictions…won’t be needing these anytime soon!
CHEERS
to John Cena for making his return last night. I’m not a Cena fan, but I’m not so much of an asshole that I can’t wish the tireless Chain Gang spokesman well on his way back from yet another layoff. Cena’s had two career stuttering injuries to return from this year; let’s hope any future ones are few and far between.
CHEERS
to Jeff Hardy and the WWE for making yesterday a little more interesting with a swerve-tastic storyline that began on WWE.com and was further perpetuated by several media outlets. The first thing I did when I woke up this afternoon was come here to get my cruel and vulgarity-ridden reprisal from Larry over not having done the Dope. The last thing I was expecting was to read that Jeff Hardy had been taken to a hospital after having been found passed out in a hotel. I didn’t (or perhaps, didn’t want to) believe that the story was real, and by the time Jeff ran down for the final moments of the title match, I had little reason to worry. I think those that see the tasteless and morbid side to such a work have a valid grievance, but I’m happy the WWE has found a way to “work the marks” in the 21st century. Anytime the media is being used to further a wrestling angle is a good time to me. Brilliant stuff!
It lives!!
Jeers to these pants, dude
CHEERS
to Santino Marella for showing off his mad microphone skills on RAW. Afterward, homeboy let loose on rap star and RAW attendee Akon with “I hope a squirrel gnaws on your privates and stores you for the winter”. Vintage Santino! Good to see him get some time in during the big Q & A show opener and good to see him put it to such hilarious use.
JEERS
to the RAW audience for their nearly non-existent response to the legendary Chief Jay Strongbow’s appearance. It’s fuckin’ Chief Jay Strongbow, people! The only thing I can think is that public opinion of the President is so low they refuse to cheer the man who is said to be our still commander-in-chief’s favorite wrestler.
Hi! How are ya?
CHEERS
to Miz & Morrison for picking up the win in a terrific tag match against Shawn Michaels & Rey Mysterio on RAW last week. With this, and the win over Jeff & Hunter, our two heroes can now claim a retribution of sorts from their loss to DX and the bragging rights that go along with it. Where they go from here is the question, but if the most obvious answer is the correct one, than I’d expect to see them making a run at Kofi & Punk‘s gold in the near future.
JEERS
to the WWE for unleashing it’s very own social network site this week. “The Universe”, as it’s called (and, as we’re called, I guess), will allow users to do all the lame shit they can do on MySpace or Facebook, but with an overt WWE theme and opportunities to interact with WWE Superstars (Hey, I thought they were “entertainers” now -*fake editor’s note: it says ‘superstars’ in the press release). There will also be live blogs with interactive commentary (you may finally get to live out your life-long dream of calling Michael Cole a homo) and other cool shit, so why jeers? Well you just know that there are going to be sweet contests and offers that are exclusive to the site, so it’s going to be one more dumb social networking site to sign up for that I’ll never use and one more dumb thing I will never check that will cause inadvertent and unintentional (and completely dumb) ill feelings in people who’s messages don’t I reply to.
Fuck it, I may as well go sign up for it right now. Hey, you think “Austin 3:16” has been taken as a username yet? What about “Cena Sux”? Probably, by now. If you’re on there and you see anyone with those names, call them a stinkin’ piece of shit thief for me.
CHEERS
to DJ Gabriel, who made an impressive, er, relatively speaking, debut on ECW, picking off some jobber. I thought he looked pretty good in his first outing, though you never know ’til you see ’em in “real” match. Matt Striker rightly pointed out that Gabe was Alex Wrightesque (totally forgot about that guy), with his gay dance moves. Oh, and he had former wedding planner Alicia Fox with him, who apparently became so smitten with Edge during their brief liaison that she felt compelled to run out and snag herself a rasslin’ man.
Ummmmm…I completely forgot what I was about to say
CHEERS
to for apparently being on the cusp of a full-time WWE return. The golden one is an old favorite of mine and I’m happy to hear he’ll be making his androgynous way back soon, even if his job description will most likely read enhancement. No word on if the former object of his affections, RVD, will be re-signing, but I’m more interested to find out if Dustin’s tourettes has cleared up yet.
“Fuck! Shit! Cock, cunt, assfucker! Dirty, fucking cocksucker shitlips!”
JEERS
to MVP, who continued his career downward spiral with a loss to an actual hometown jobber after weeks of losing to the bottom of the WWE barrel. I was really hoping that Cap’n Smooth‘s sexy prediction of a most valuable sole survivor would prove true and while he did manage to score a pin on Cryme Tyme’s JTG during the elimination match, he was sent packing moments later by Khali. I’m beginning to feel like a broken record with this gripe, but every week MVP is forcibly sunk to new, and ire incurring, lows. Hopefully this was rock bottom and Montel can move onwards and upwards now that he’s officially lost out on that incentive bonus. Bonus CHEERS to Bahston for representin’ the set and giving MVP’s early trouncing the chorus of boos it deserved.
No cheers for this Boston
JEERS
to Guns ‘n Posers for finally releasing Chinese Democracy, depriving me of ever being able to taunt G’n R fans over it’s lack of completion or availability. Seriously, fucking Chinese Democracy is out now. I don’t know that it’s one of the four signs of the apocalypse, but has to at least be, like, in the top ten.
*CHEERS* of the Week
to Edge, who returned from Hell, where apparently they play Mike Knox matches on a endless loop, and picked up a fancy new belt to go with his beard. I’m positively thrilled that Smackdown’s greatest couple have seemingly decided to work through their troubles and reunite and I’m simply ecstatic that it resulted in a new, edgy champion.
This was a great move, and not just because I happen to be an Edge fan (Note that I said Edge fan. People who refer to themselves as Edgeheads are assholes). No, this was great because Hunter was fresh out of Friday night talent to run through AND we now have a tasty little ‘Mania program on simmer thanks to all that “screwing Jeff out of his title match” business. Oh, and how did I know Kozlov/Hunter was going to be such a dreadfully dull affair? I had given Hardy a cheer for saving us from that potential yawnfest, but I’m going to have to snatch it and give it to Edge in light of Jeff’s removal. Actually, it should be the other two thanking Edge right now. His big win will help everyone forget that that was the most boring ass main event PPV title we’ve had in a looooong time.
“Hey, so now that he’s not on the same show, you think we could maybe get this changed to something that doesn’t look so fucking stupid?”
*JEERS* of the week
to Chris Jericho for losing the World Heavyweight Championship to John fucking Cena last night. I gave all involved a pass last month, sensing that Jericho was not long for going gold-less, but the hot potatoe-ing of this belt is getting RAWdiculous. While all the ducks appear to be lining up on Smackdown, Monday’s main event crew have been passing the strap around like it’s a bong in Roddy Piper‘s living room and I, for one, like a little more stability in the title scene with the road to Wrestlemania fast approaching.
Now Cena has the belt and for the life of me, I can’t figure out why. If the plan is to have Dave/John II headline ‘Mania with the gold involved, t’wouldn’t it have made more sense to just leave it on the Animal? Maybe Cena isn’t set to hold it for long, but if that’s case, why diminish the impact of an eventual (and maybe even ‘Mania) reclamation with a quick one or two month reign now? I guess leaving questions is a good way to force me to tune in for answers, but I was banking on Y2J making it all the way to the big dance and doing what no Jericho has done before: drop the belt in a really good match. Ah, so, I was wrong about that one, it would seem. My penis thanks me.
This guy “gets it”, man
What’s good in the hood or this is what I read on 411 today:
THE STEPHEN RANDLE NEWS EXPERIENCE
5 Year anniversary sextravaganza! He ain’t goin’ nowhere, muthafuckerz…
L DIZZLE’S SUNDAY BRIZZLE
The champ is back from France. Ask him to tell you a funny story about puking in a girl’s mouth sometime.
WACKY WRESTLING THEORY
Why yes, Southland Tales is a classic and Bruno Sammartino’s figure was one of the better posed. This guy gets it, too.
FREE PORNO! BUKKAKE ROUNDTABLE XXX!
Come see how bad we did and make fun of us! Actually, I did pretty good, but I’m sure there’s some who need a good nose rubbing.
KAHMMENT BAWKS
This week’s entry comes from Oswald who took what I said and made it about something else in a vain attempt to make me look bad:
“…and mouth the words ‘what the fuck’ nearly everytime I scroll south of the border.”
It’s called a ‘vagina,’ and yes, it is supposed to look like that.
Hey, I know what a vagina looks like. It’s the, uh, well, you know…that one thing. With the thing on it. I don’t have to say.
Larry will be by later with his views on your news (and probably a million other times), and in the meantime, here’s a little video to watch, no big deal. Take care of yourself, alright? Exfoliate once in a while.
Goodnight everybody.
