The Dope on Smackdown 10.10.08

We were LIVE from Spokane, WA (AKA Washington’s bunghole) with J.R. & Tazz.

Chavo & Vickie Guerrero (now with action wheelchair and fully poseable neck brace!) are in the ring, and our GM has something to say, once all the Spokane trash calms down. They finally do, but she doesn’t have much to say that we didn’t already know: Undertaker beat her up and put her in the condition that we now see her in and she’s going to reward the man who dished it out to him at No Mercy with a WWE title match tonight. That man is the Big Show, and he comes out to act like a big smug prick for knocking out the Undertaker and to play the “I told you so” card. Show says he felt the Undertaker’s face crack from the impact of his fist and he’ll never be the same. Hey, maybe they’re going to bring back that mask dealy from ’95. That thing looked cool!

Show goes on to say that no man has gotten up from his death punch and Triple H stands no chance. Vladimir Kozlov comes out for what is becoming his patented Russian interruption and says a bunch of crap in his native tongue. Show says that while he’s not the most liked guy around here, at least he’s an American, which causes the rubes in the crowd to pop big time and start a “USA!” chant as we go to break. Did they think Show was Armenian or something before he said that? “Boo! I don’t like yew, yew beat up the Unnertaker…oh wait, whassat? You’re an Amurican? Well then Yay! I do like yew!”
Oh rubes, where would we be without you?

Didja know that Smackdown was the most watched show among 2 to 17 year olds? Glad all those toddlers got to see footage of a woman getting beaten up by the show’s number one good guy!

Brie Bella vs Natalya w/Victoria

Brie launches herself onto Natalya with a Lou Esbian press and the two roll into the ropes where the ref makes ’em kiss and break up. Natalya whips her into the corner but misses a charge and Brie comes off the top with a crossbody for 2. They fight over a backslide, which Brie wins, getting herself another 2 in the process. Natalya reverses an Irish whip, sending Brie to the corner, but runs right into an elbow. Nattie rebounds with a clothesline and slaps her in the face before slapping on a sleeperhold. Brie breaks it and gets a very awkward sunset flip for another 2. Natalya puts her down with a clothesline and Brie rolls to the outside for the ol’ switcheroo but Victoria grabs her legs to prevent the change from occurring.

Brie manages to make it under the ring anyway, and much to the dismay of Vic, Hornswoggle pops out! He leaps onto her and they roll around for a bit, before he runs her off to the back. She must be one of those people who are freaked out by midgets. I had a friend like that once. A bunch of us were at a restaurant and he got up and left before our meals even arrived because a group of little people came in and were seated nearby. Weird guy. Anyways, Brie pokes her head out from under the apron to wink at Nattie, who turns around just in time to see Brie #2 enter the ring from the other side. Natalya makes a run at her but “Brie” takes her down with a crucifix pin and that’s that.

JR says that Natalya looks as confused as he is. You’re still confused JR? After all these weeks you haven’t figured out that maybe she has a twin sister? Eh, maybe that’s not where they’re going with this. Maybe it will be revealed that Brie is actually from the future and has a teleportation device underneath the ring. Oh god, BOOK IT! Match was fun, meaningless (and at times sloppy and awkward) crap…what else can I say?
Brie pinned Natalya

We take a look at a John Cena recovery package, where Batista says that facing him was like facing a mirror image of himself. Hmmm, I never noticed it before, but I guess Batista does kind of look like a dorky, wannabe rapper.

Funaki is in the back, practicing his number one announcer shtick. Such dedication to his craft! R-Truth shows up and teaches him how to speak in Whatsupanese. We learn that Funaki has a first name…and it’s Kung! Why, oh why couldn’t we have known this sooner?

Triple H is in the locker room, using his blackberry (presumably to post positive remarks about Triple H and Triple H matches on message boards), when Jeff Hardy sits down beside him to suck up. Oooh, but he burns him on the way out by saying that he’s coming for whoever leaves with the belt, most likely Show, causing Hunter to make a face like he just smelled a fart. Which causes me to think that it’s highly likely Jeff farted on his way out, which causes me to laugh. Did I happen to mention that smoked a little hash before tonight’s show? Do I need to?

R-Truth is “what’s up”ing his way down to the ring, and I have a feeling he’ll still be doing it when we come back from break.

We come back from break with R-Tard indeed still asking his million dollar question when he’s interrupted by a bad Shelton Benjamin promo, and then Shelton Benjamin himself.

US champion Shelton Benjamin vs R-Truth (non-title)

Shelton charges and scoops up Truth, slamming him into the corner and making with the fists and the knees. The ref breaks it up, but the two go right back at it, with R-Truth taking the worst of the exchange. Shelton kicks him in the head, does a little ground ‘n pound and dumps Truth to the outside. He follows him out and slams him into the barricade, but Truth makes it back in before the 10 count and takes Shelton down for a little ground ‘n pound of his own.

R beats him down in the corner but gets caught with a clothesline out of nowhere and it’s chinlock city! Truth back suplexes his way out of it goes on the attack with punches and a clothesline. Corkscrew flying forearm thingy! 2! Benjamin counters an Irish whip to a backbreaker for another 2. Shelton sends him to the ropes and looks to go for a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, but R-Truth counters to a cradle for the 1-2-3.

Things started out pretty well, but these two just seemed really “off” tonight and most of what they did looked stunted and way too telegraphed. If these guys work together a little more, and of course, get more than 4 minutes or so, we might get a great match down the line, but this came off like a dress rehearsal.
R-Truth pinned Shelton

Wow! Smackdown’s debut was the most watched show in the history of MyNetwork TV! That would be really impressive if MyNetwork had been around for more than two years, but it hasn’t, so it isn’t.

Jeff Hardy vs MVP

Opening sequence lock up leads to MVP grabbing a small package for 2. I’m not saying that was a joke at Hardy’s expense, but I’m not saying it wasn’t. Montel gets a pair of takedowns but Jeff comes back with a flying forearm and goes up top, causing Porter to talk a walk and us to take a commercial break.

Back from, with Jeff getting sent to the corner, but he leapfrogs over Montel and back spin kicks him into fancy corner dropkick territory. MVP counters by sticking his boots up and takes over. Bodyslam! Kneedrop! 2! MVP slaps on a seated abdominal, which he eventually trades in for some stomps to the gut. Jeff gets up and charges but gets flapjacked down hard for 2. Montel gives him a pair of headbutts to the tummy for another 2 and then slaps on a rear gutwrench. Jeff hulks up and fights out of it but gets caught with knee smash for yet another 2. Porter goes back to the gutwrench, but Jeff fights out once more and hits the Whisper in the Wind for a 2 of his own. Jeff dropkicks him into fancy corner dropkick position and hits it this time, followed by another to MVP’s back. Jeff goes up and hits the Swanton for…the win!

Damnit, I was hoping MVP might begin to turn things around tonight. There’s no shame in losing to Jeff Hardy, who has been firmly established as a main event player at this point, but I really hope the WWE decides he’s learned his lesson before they ruin a good thing. Good match, not the best these two have ever had but far from their worst.
Jeff pinned MVP

Kozlov comes out after to “chillinge” Hardy to some fisticuffs, and lays him out with a mid-air headbutt during a crossbody attempt.

We get a little video package for Kizarny, who tiz-alks liz-ike th-iz-is. No, he’s not just another honky trying to emulate Snoop Dogg. He’s like, some freaky carnival loving dude who is speaking in old-time carny. Which I believe gave way to Kayfabe speak, which in turn caused Hulk Hogan to turn the brothers onto it. At least according to him. And that ends this week’s installment of Hulk Hogan’s Supposed Contributions to African American Culture.

Maria comes out to special guest ring announce.

Jesse, Festus, Primo & Carlito Colon vs Hawkins, Ryder, Kenny Dykstra & Ryan Braddock

Whoa, that’s a whole lot of “I don’t give a fuck” in the ring right now. The heels are chased to the outside but eventually regroup and we begin with Carlito and, uh, I think Ryder, wrestling and doing moves and such. Colon assumes the face-in-peril position early as Hawkins comes in to do some stomping and tags out to Braddock, who comes in for some mauling. Dykstra comes in next and stomps on Carlito’s face for 1 before slapping on a chinlock. Carlito gets a hurracanrana and tags in the retard, who beats the shit out of Dykstra and hits him with his big splash. Braddock breaks up a cover, a donnybrook ensues, and Festus hits the retarded flapjack while everybody’s on the outside for the win.

Well, it was short, and it just about got everyone I don’t care about on this show out of the way in one fell swoop, so as meaningless as this was, I really can’t complain.
Festus pinned Kenny

When we return from break, The Great Khali, Ranjin Singh and three jobbers are in the ring and are still pissed off at Johnny Knoxville. Ah, well I suppose the jobbers probably aren’t. We take another look at Knoxville’s interview with the Great one, which ended badly when Johnny asked him how big his dick is. They then show footage of Khali locking lips with Lillian Garcia from when the suave giant was hosting the “kiss cam” segment on RAW. They remind us of the challenge issued to the Jackass king, for him to put in an appearance on this coming RAW and Khali turns his attentions to the three jobbers.

The Great Khali vs three jobbers

Khali beats up all the jobbers and pins one of them.
The Great Khali pinned one of the jobbers

Post “match”, they break out the kiss cam and find a, ahem, “plus sized” young woman from the crowd to come on up and kiss Khali. Khali plays hard to get for a while, but eventually lays a long, deep, passionate kiss on her. So Khali’s a chubby chaser? Makes sense. If this is the new direction they’re going with Khali, I have but two words for ya: LOVE IT!

Hey, know what match is going to happen next week on Smackdown? I do. It’s Jeff Hardy vs Vladimir Kozlov!

WWE Title match:
WWE Champion Triple H vs Big Show

I know Hunter is always orange these days, but Show looks like he’s been drained of all his blood standing next to him.
Show misses a chop to start, allowing Hunter to get some licks in before he’s sent tumbling over the top rope. Show follows him out and gets met with a pair of right hands, before getting shoved hard into the ring post. The big guy rolls back in and knocks Hunter over the top again. Hunter brings him down throat first across the top rope but gets caught with a sidewalk slam upon re-entry. Commercials!

Back from, with Show trying to rip Hunter’s head off. A very long amount of time to seems to pass, then Hunter hulks up and breaks free. Show hits him with a standing legdrop for 2 before he can capitalize, but misses a corner charge. Hunter goes up to the second rope and jumps onto his back for a sleeperhold. Show eventually flips Hunter off his back but misses an elbow drop, allowing Hunter to get in some punches and hit his knee smash. Hunter goes for the world’s worst Pedigree, but Show lifts him up onto his shoulder and hits a Celtic Cross. Show telegraphs the big punch, Hunter ducks it, but runs right into the Chokeslam. Show doesn’t bother to cover, I mean, why would he, he’s held the belt before, it’s no big deal. Cough.

He does finally go for the back of the head punch but the lights go *GONG*. They *GONG* back on and Taker is in the ring. He naturally begins to unload on Show, sending him between the ropes to the outside with a furious flurry of punches. The lights *GONG* out again, but *GONG* on second later to find Big Show staggering up the aisle and the Undertaker…is right behind him! The Undertaker is a fucking ninja! That was pretty cool. Taker continues his assault and Kozlov runs out once more to brawl with Hunter. H goes for the Pedigree but Vlad shoves it off and puts him down with a headbutt to the sternum. Jeff Hardy then runs out to save the day and he and Hunter clothesline Kozlov to the floor, which begets another big “USA!” chant. Hardy lays Hunter out with the Twist of Fate and does the show closing staredown deal with Vlad.

The Dope:

I see what you did there, Smackdown. You tried to distract me from the fact that your main event WWE title match ended in an unexplained non-finish, which I strongly believe should be declared no more, with some cool Undertaker shit. It almost worked, but I’m no dummy. The match was pretty bad anyway, so I can see why you would want to abort. I also see that you’re pretty determined to make the Kozlov thing stick, and you’re doing a good job of it, but where the hell was THE Brian Kendrick? Huh? You didn’t do too much else to curry my favor this evening, but Khali was gold, I’m feeling pretty mellow right now, and I’ve seen worse. Much, much worse. 1.5

4= Wildboyz
3= Jackass
2= Homewrecker
1= Viva La Bam

C U Next Time