The Dope on Smackdown 10.31.08

So, it’s Hallowe’en, which happens to be my personal most favorite holiday and, along with Guy Fawkes day, one of the few holidays I actually bother to recognize. In the spirit of the season, I’d decided to spook-ify this rantport by swapping the names of the wrestlers to more Hallowe’en-y handles, hoping to not make it too hard for you to follow the match recaps with my mirth making. But then it turned out that a good chunk of the roster decided to wear costumes tonight anyway, making my idea completely pointless, or somehow even more pointless than it already was, which I wouldn’t have thought possible when I first conceived it a few weeks back. Bah, I’m sure I’ll get the chance to do a match recap with Dracula or Frankenstein as the participants one of these days…

We were LIVE from San Diego, CA with J.R., who is dressed up for the occasion like a big fat sailor, and Tazz, who is going out this year as a little army man.

Big Show and his crushed larynx are in the back and have some barely audible sweet nothings for the Undertaker. He leaves, revealing that Vickie & Chavo Guerrero were seeking shade behind him and Vickie is looking forward to celebrating Hallowe’en, which is her favorite holiday too! One of the ways she’s going to celebrate is with a casket match! Aw, there’s going to be a casket match tonight? Fuckin’ A! Taker’s opponent? Chavo Guerrero!

John Morrison & The Miz vs Primo & Carlito Colon

Having Miz & Morrison in there should keep me awake, as should all the screaming voices decrying the fact that the tag team champs are going to take a loss just to beef up M & M’s cred before their loss to DX.

John, who is dressed up like an under utilized mega star, & Primo, who is dressed up like the brother of a whiny douche bag, start out with a hammerlock reversal sequence that ends with Primo getting the first 2 of the night off a headscissors. Primo tags out and sends Morrison to the ropes for a leapfrog, followed by a dropkick from his brother. Carlito goes for a springboard back elbow, but John ducks it so he hits a clothesline instead for 2. Morrison snaps him off the second rope and tags in Miz, presumably for a little of the ol’ face-in-peril. Miz stomps him down but gets armdragged for 2. Hmm, maybe this isn’t the face-in-peril part. Carlito tags in Primo and the two deliver a double back body drop before clotheslining Miz to the floor. Nope, definitely not face-in-peril time. Morrison goes for the sneak attack but gets dumped by the Colons to the outside as we get dumped to commercial break.

Back from, with Primo takin’ it to the Miz and taggin’ in Carlito for a drop-toe-hold and a flying headbutt. Miz rakes the eyes and tags in Morrison, who dukes it out with Carlito until Colon gets the tag and powerbombs his brother onto him for 2. Primo knocks Miz off the apron but walks right into a fancy kick from Morrison, which gets 2. John stomps him down for another 2 and slaps on a chinlock. NOW it’s face-in-peril time. Miz comes in for a beatdown and drops the leg for 2 while Morrison poses. Miz slaps on a full nelson but Primo flips out of it and right into a hot tag. Carlito launches himself over the top rope and hits a rolling back kick before knocking John off the apron and sending Miz to the corner. Carlito runs into a boot, but catches the charging Miz with a sit down powerbomb. Morrison breaks up the count, causing Primo to run in and dropkick him to the outside. Miz hits him from behind, sending him to the floor and Carlito gets a roll up for 2. Carlito goes for a springboard something or other, but John pops up and grabs his foot, allowing Miz to hit the Reality Check for the win.

Perfectly adequate tag match, better than we usually get thanks to a noticeably short, nearly absent FIP segment. **1/4
Miz pinned carlito

Hey, you wanna hear something kinda funny? I just went and dropped a deuce (that’s not the funny part), and guess who was featured in the crossword I was doing from a local paper while I made movement? WWE’s Umaga! Weird, eh? They say showing up in a crossword puzzle is a sure sign that you’ve “made it”, so congrats to Umaga. Cheers, actually. Oh man, I could’ve used this as a Cheers for my column! Too late now…

Jesse, Festus and Maria are in some weird, smoky, very blue part of the backstage area with The Masked Magician. Masky opens up some kind of box deal, Maria gets inside, and he proceeds to do a lame magic trick as Festus does the whole “glazed over stare” thing. This was dumb, but I appreciate that we’re getting some seasonal segments tonight. Oh, and don’t get excited, goofy gimmick fans. The Masked Magician is just some douche who’ll be hosting a magic show on MyNetwork and is not a debuting superstar (we can still use “superstar”, right?)

“John Wayne” Yang vs THE Brian Kendrick w/Zeke

Brain gets all shovey to start, but Yang slaps on a headlock and does a handspring into a hurracanrana before taking him to the corner for a 10 punch. Yang hits a dropkick and Brian rolls to the floor for a breather, but Yang is right on his ass and brings him back in. Zeke distracts just long enough for Brian to get the drop, and he kicks Yang around before slamming him shoulder first into the corner. Kendrick bodyslams him and goes up, but misses the double knee drop. How does that not hurt like a motherfucker? John Wayne hits a jumping back kick for 2 and send Brian to the corner for a spinning wheel kick. Yang goes up and hits a flying crossbody for 2. Brian pulls him into the corner, but misses the Kendrick and Wang counters with a moonsault. Zeke pulls his charge out before the 3 count can be completed, drawing the blatant DQ, and then beats the fuck out of Yang, ending with a release Uranage.

Fine stuff, but too short to matter. *1/4
Yang beat Kendrick by DQ

The Great Khali and Ranjin run into Kung Fu Naki in the back, where Khali disses him (through Ranjin) for being too short. I’d like to think Khali is playing hard to get, just like he does with the ladies, and we’re getting a glimpse at future tag team champions here. Because if Smackdown needs anything, it’s the team of Khali and Kung Fu, tearing through the tag ranks and giving us all a reason to care again.

Khali and Ranjin are in the ring to wish everyone a happy Hallowe’en (thanks guys, and right back at ya) and kick off a special Hallowe’en edition of the Kiss Cam. Ranjin says that the girl wearing the best costume will get the privilege of going one on one with the Great one and finds a plumper in a witch outfit. After his patented playing hard to get routine, Khali plants a little smooch, but the witch is not satisfied and wants some deep tongue action. Ranjin leads the crowd in a “Khali” chant, and eventually the big guy gives her what she wants. Vickie was watching in the back and seems amused, as are we all.

Matt Hardy, Jeff Hardy & Rey Mysterio vs Mark Henry w/Tony Atlas, MVP & Kane

Matt & Mizark start off, with Matt getting in some shots before Henry catches him with a big bodyslam. Matt tags out to Jeff, who wrenches the arm and tags Matt back in. Matt comes off the top and Mark catches him, but Jeff clips the leg and Matt falls on him for 2. Henry takes over and tags in MVP, who slams him down and misses a kneedrop. Rey gets the tag and puts Porter down with a headscissors, followed by a dropkick for 2. Rey tags Matt back in, who immediately tags in Jeff for a double suplex. The Hardy boys hold Montel up and Rey flies off the top with crossbody for 2. MVP rebounds and whips him into the corner but runs into a boot. He catches Rey on his shoulders, but the little guy manages to flip him into 619 territory. Mysterio runs the ropes, but Kane drags him out the ring and tosses him to the floor as we get tossed to a commercial break.

Back from, with MVP delivering a punishing bodyslam to Rey and following it with a forearm drop for 2 before tagging in Kane. Kane picks him up for an overhead bodypress, which gets 2, and tags in Mark. Henry stands on him, picks him up for a clubbing blow and tags MVP back in, who lays in some boots before slapping on a gutwrench. MVP relents, suplexes him for 2 and tags Kane back in. Kane beats his ass but runs into a boot, allowing Rey to hit a DDT and tag in Jeff while Kane tags out to Porter. Jeff does the house of fire thing and hits the Whisper in the Wind, but Kane breaks up the pin. Matt & Rey come in to send him to the floor, Rey launches himself over the top onto Kane, and the Hardys hit Henry with Poetry in Motion. Jeff goes for a Twist of Fate on MVP but Porter shoves it off. Matt comes over and hits it for real, allowing Jeff to go up and hit the Swanton for the win.

No incentive bonus for you, MVP. Fortunately, this match was great, fast paced action and I wouldn’t need much incentive to watch it again. ***1/4
Jeff pinned MVP

Vladimir Kozlov is here and he has some stuff to say, mostly about how we’re all soft and lazy, just like Triple H. I don’t know, I mean, I’m actually in pretty good shape, but Triple H doesn’t seem like such a bad physique to emulate. Hurra pops up to mouth along before Triple H comes out to disprove that “soft and lazy” crack. Some weird audio editing goes on while Kozlov is blathering, like they tried to take out the “whats?” in between what he was saying, but it comes off really weird and kind of mangles the segment. I realize I’ve kind of stopped talking about what’s going on between the champion and his presumed “chillinger”. That’s because it’s really, really boring. In summation, “toe-to-toe, WWE championship, “USA!”. Vlad back down first, and moonwalks his way up the ramp.

Brie Bella (Cleopatra), Maria (Playboy bunny) and WWE Divas champion Michelle McCool (slutty chick?) vs Natalya (cop), Victoria (banana) & Maryse (french maid)

I feel bad for shitting on this, because I love that everybody was into Hallowe’en and wearing costumes, but the outfits seemed to get in the way and this played out like a match between half a dozen drunk chicks at the end of a particularly crazy Hallowe’en party. Let’s see here…everybody wrestled, terribly, for the most part, and eventually Maria hit the flying crossbody on Victoria for the win.

Ooooo-whooo-ooo…this match was so bad that it was scary. That said, Victoria wrestling in a banana suit is definitely worth a star, so *
Maria pinned Victoria

Casket Match: The Undertaker vs Chavo Guerrero

The Undertaker is going out as himself for Hallowe’en, while Chavo is a dressed like a scared shitless mid-carder. Big Show comes out after the entrances, presumably to get a closer look at the action. Guess we’ll find out after the break!

Back from, with the ringing of the bell and the fleeing of the Chavo. Taker catches him and tosses him to the corner for a good pounding before chucking him out to the floor. Taker follows, sending him into the barricade and picking him up for a Snake Eyes onto the casket. Taker opens the casket and starts shoving Chavo in it, allowing us to get a casket cam close up of Chavo’s hair plugs. Taker can’t quite force him in, so he slams the lid on his head (good call!) and turns his attentions to the Big show.

Show backs off up the aisle and Taker goes back to murdering Chavo. Taker charges with a boot but Guerrero ducks it and takes advantage of the mistake with fists and feet. Chavo goes to the apron and jumps off but Taker catches him and slams him down onto the barricade before rolling him back into the ring. Chavo manages to DDT him on his way back in and goes on the attack. Chavo grabs a chair and charges, but Taker back body drops him and sends him to the corner for a clothesline and a Snake Eyes. The refs open the casket at Taker’s behest but Show closes it. Taker drops Chavo to check all this out, allowing Chavo to go low with the chair. Chavo misses another swing and gets caught with a chokeslam. Show runs in to put a beatin’ on the dead man, and the two behemoths go blow for blow. Show puts him down with a series of headbutts but misses a clothesline and gets dumped over the ropes, landing on the casket. Show is all “fuck this, I don’t do caskets” and takes off. Tombstone city, population Chavo.

Fun little Hallowe’en main event, you know, nothing to get crazy about. Obviously Big Show isn’t finished getting his ass handed to him by the Undertaker, and if they can pull of another match or two that is as good as their Cyber Sunday match, I’m all for it. **1/2
Undertaker won

Vickie is in the back, talking to the TV. She’s just like me when I’m drunk! Oh, she’s not alone, Vlad is with her. And she tells him that if he can go through Taker, he’ll have his Survivior Series title match.

The Dope:

Now this is a little more like it. Not an incredible, blow away show but a pretty fun one with some longer, less sucky matches than what we’ve been getting in recent weeks, including a pretty great 6-man, and the stage is finally set for Kozlov/Hunter. Or, well I guess it will be after he beats the Undertaker next week, but you know what I mean. 2.5

4= Halloween
3= Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers
2= Halloween 2
1= Halloween: Resurrection

C U Next Time and happy Hallowe’en everybody!