The Dope on Smackdown 11.14.08

Hi everybody. So, I woke up today greeted by the sight of some workers who were here to replace my front door, which was odd given that I was completely unaware of any work to be done here or that we needed a new front door to begin with. I’m far too busy to keep up on such trifling matters, but my girlfriend confirmed that they were indeed here with her blessing and the workers were left to their work with no screaming or yelling from me. At least, not on the outside. My insides were another story, where the coffee I drank and it’s increasingly strong urge to return the beans to the ground from whence they came made for an incredibly uncomfortable morning.

What was the problem? Well, I’m one of those dinks that doesn’t like to go to the bathroom when other people are around and the thought of making movement while a gaggle of strangers work but a few feet away was enough to make me clinch my sphincter and endure the burn for the better part of four hours. This resulted in a shitty day for yours truly (pun very much intended), but nothing a joint and some Smackdown can’t cure. Speaking of which…

We were LIVE from Manchester, England with J.R. & Tazz.

The show opens with a casket in the ring and the Undertaker‘s voice speaking to us in dead layman’s terms about the Big Show‘s fate. The voice says that Show will be taken to hell, which gets a big pop from the crowd, proving for once and all my theory that Brits are, by and large, wanton devil worshippers. Taker pops out of the casket as Jeff Hardy pops up on the big screen in weird face paint and talks about how batshit crazy he is. You know, because we couldn’t tell from the dayglo face paint. Jeff is in a dark place and delivers an intense promo that does a pretty good job of masking his bumpkin speaking voice. Taker says that tonight Jeff will…oh, what was it? Shit, I forgot…let me go check my notes. Ahh, yes…rest in peace! Glad I wrote that down.

ECW Champ Matt Hardy vs US Champ Shelton Benjamin (non-title)
Shelton takes Hardy down and gets a nearfall after a reversal sequence. Matt eventually gets out of a headlock but gets caught with an armbar, which he punches his way out of it. He sends Shelton to the ropes for a back elbow that gets 1 and slaps on a hammerlock. Shelton attempts to snapmare out of it, but Hardy holds on and keeps the arm after the roll through. Benjamin scoops him up for a slam, but Matt once again holds on. Shelton finally finds a way out, using the ropes to springboard off of and armdragging Matt across the ring. The two staredown as those without TiVo go on to stare at some commercials.

Back from, with Shelton eating some boot on a corner charge and Hardy following it with an elbow off the top rope for 2. Matt appeared to have hurt his leg coming down, but there is no way to tell if he is just playing possum, an animal that I’m sure he and his brother are most familiar with the taste of, being native North Carolinians and all. Benjamin counters a suplex attempt with a neckbreaker attempt, but Matt counters that so Shelton kicks him and starts attacking the leg. Benjamin punishes Matt with various leg holds until Hardy makes it up and hits a Side Effect out of nowhere for 2.

Clothesline/bulldog special! 2! Hardy drops an elbow but misses, allowing Shelton to go for the Dragon Whip, which he misses. A rebound kick to the face doesn’t, which gets Benjamin 2. Shelton hits the backwards corner splash, followed by another, regular one. A third attempt finds Shelton planted with a Side Effect, which gets 2. Both go for their finishers, which are countered, and Shelton hits a backbreaker. Benjamin sets Matt up for a super back suplex, but Hardy back elbows him down and nails a moonsault for 2. Shelton counters a Twist of Fate attempt, but Matt counters the counter to a sunset flip. Oooh, but Shelton counters that to a single leg crab. Matt makes it to the ropes, forcing a break, and Benjamin chooses to stalk him and hit chop blocks to the leg, which works out pretty well for him until Matt hits a Twist of Fate for the win.

Matt pinned Shelton
Damn fine match! There were a few awkward transitions that brought it down a little, but this was good stuff overall ***1/4

THE Brian Kendrick w/Zeke vs Carlito w/Primo
For some reason, Carlito actually got a pretty big pop when he came out. Colon gets the better of the grapple and puts Kendrick down, but Brian counters with some headscissors. Both up and Kendrick gets his kick on, forcing Carlito to retreat in the corner. Kendrick lands a few more blows but walks right into a clothesline. Carlito leapfrogs over him and hits a dropkick before settling on an armbar, which Kendrick breaks by way of rope grab. Brian takes over with some cheapshots and gives Colon a taste of his own armbar medicine.

Carlito hits a swinging neckbreaker for 2 but it’s not enough to keep Kendrick from dominating with more cheap shots and kicks. Colon comes back with a knee lift and follows it with a springboard back elbow. He dropkicks Kendrick to the corner, but Primo falls victim to a Zeke attack and in the ensuing gobbledy-gork, Brian hits THE Kendrick for the win.

Brian beat Colon
Conspicuously heatless match given the pops at the outset, but then there wasn’t a lot here to get excited about, unless you’re a Kendrick mark. Carlito has a lot of offense that is exciting in theory only and Kendrick’s mostly methodical, kick based offense can get tired (though it’s superb from a small heel psychology perspective). Nothing great but Kendrick got a win over Carlito, and a pretty clean one at that, so I’m happy enough. **

Wize gizet a nizice lizittle Kizarny pizackage, fizeaturing a Hizuman Blizockhead! Thizose gizuys are wizeird.

A very Palinesque Vickie Guerrero, with Chavo, is in the ring for the super official Survivor Series WWE title match contract signing. We go to commercial, as presumably the audience gets to stare at Vickie and Chavo for the next two minutes.

Back from, with Vickie having to once again navigate through a chorus of boos to announce the contract signing and brings out the contracted signers. Vladimir Kozlov and Triple H make their way down, separately, of course. Boy, that would be weird if they came out together, eh? Time efficient, but weird. Hunter observes the international co-mingling afoot, pointing out that we have Mexico, Russian and Fatlavia all represented. Hunter keeps up with the fat jokes until Vickie cuts him off and makes him take a seat. If I was Vickie, I’d be all “at least I didn’t have ass sex with Chyna, you orange fuck!”, but she takes it mostly in stride. Hunter calls Vlad the Disco Commie, a high-larious name that could portend the fate of post first loss Kozlov. Exhibit A: Kiss Cam Khali. I’m just sayin’. Hunter keeps cracking wise, until Vlad tells him to shut up, but Jeff Hardy shuts HIM up after appearing out of nowhere and launching himself onto the immigrant. He tears up the contract and throws it in Hunter’s face. Hey, if Hardy can save us from what I pessimistically suspect will be a boring ass match between Hunter and Kozlov by making it a triple threat, he can wear whatever color hanky he wants.

MVP vs Kung Fu Naki
Yikes. Another loss to Funkaki? Tazz seals the deal by declaring this the night MVP wins his incentive bonus. Montel goes on the attack, having his way with Fu Naki as one might expect. Kung tries to get back in it with some kicks but Montel plants him with a kneebuster. The Great Khali (w/Ranjin Singh) comes out for the giant distraction, allowing Kung to hit the Crane kick for the win.

Fu Naki pinned MVP
Uhhh…that sucked ass! 1/4*

Post match, Khali takes Montel out with a Brain Chop as Ranjin gets the Kiss Cam underway. He selects an old, plump bit of crumpet for his man and begins to lead the crowd in a “Khali” chant. MVP makes a run at the big guy but chews on a Khali Bomb for his troubles. Hey Csonka, you got an extra bowl of berries around? That distraction handled, Khali is now free to get it on but he decides to up the kink factor and gets her to make out with the unconscious MVP instead, much to Ranjin’s delight. Man, I like Funaki and I’m lovin’ the Kiss Cam, but the fun was ruined by all the MVP decimation. Motherfucker’s been gettin’ buried so deep he can almost feel China under his feet.

WWE Divas Championship match: Champion Michelle McCool vs Maria
Hurra pops up and feigns horniness over the Divas again. Meh. The whole “Hurrapop” idea sounds great but these are just not working for me. Anyways, this match should be awful. Michelle takes her down with a headlock as Jesse, Festus, and a teddy bear make their way to the ring. Michelle counters Maria’s crucifix with a Samoan drop attempt, but Maria counters that to a headscissors as I’m reminded of that sentence I just wrote about things sounding great but not actually working for me.

Maria charges but gets thrust into the corner and hit with some forearm shots. Maria hits an enzuguiri and lands some forearms of her own, but Michelle gets a sunset flip and transitions to a heel hook for the win.Festus goes crazy at the ringing of the bell, tearing into the ring after Michelle, who heads for the hills. The big retard calms down long enough to present his gift to Maria. Is it too early to call a Wrestlemania wedding?

Michelle beat Maria
Too short to be good, but that also means that it was too short to be awful, so my expectations were certainly surpassed. 1/4*

Extreme Rules match: Jeff Hardy vs The Undertaker
Jeff is crazy now, but he’s not crazy enough to go toe-to-toe with Taker, so he zips around, hitting him with flying forearms until he gets caught with a big boot. Taker drops the elbow but Hardy dodges it and clotheslines him to the floor, following it with a dropkick that puts Taker on his ass. Jeff runs along the barricade and hits Taker with a flying attack. He goes for another but gets caught and slammed into the unforgiving steel stairs, as we get slammed with the unforgiving, steel-eyed stare of a commercial break.

Back from, with Taker pounding the piss out of Hardy in the corner. He chucks him to the floor and follows him out to send him crashing hard into the barricade. Taker sets him up for the apron leg drop and drapes a chair across Hardy’s chest before delivering it. Taker slams him into the steps and leaves him to go grab the ring bell, but Jeff emerges with a kendo stick and cracks him but good. Jeff hits him a few more times and rolls him back into the ring. Hardy goes for more Kendo action but Taker catches him with a boot and gets payback for all those Kendo shots by knocking Jeff out of the ring with one.
Taker charges with a running boot and gets hung up on the barricade, which allows Jeff to get back in it with a flurry of head and body shots.

Jeff slams his head on the steps and takes a running leap off them, hitting Taker so hard against the barricade that he sends himself into the crowd. They both do their respective recovering and get back to the fisticuffs, which sees Taker get the advantage and he rolls Hardy into the ring for 2. Old School is attempted but hardy crotches him and heads under the ring to look for a weapon. Or to make out with twins (or, who knows, maybe the leprechaun). Ah, no it was a weapon, a ladder, in fact, which gets booted into Jeff’s face upon re-entry. Taker slams the ladder onto the prone, corner bound body of his opponent, and whips him to the opposite corner. Jeff runs up the buckles and hits the Whisper in the Wind, but now Big Show is in the ring and he tosses Jeff. Chokeslam to Taker, and Show telegraphs the K.O. punch, but Hardy flies off the top rope onto him. Show catches him but Hardy holds on and maneuvers him to the ropes, where a Taker chair whacks sends him tumbling to the outside. Jeff grabs a chair, waffles Taker. He goes to the top of the ladder and flies off with a leg drop…for the win!

I enjoyed the hell out of this, though I wouldn’t call it a classic or anything. The Dead Man is my favorite, I like Hardy as much as the next cat and I think they have great chemistry, as evidenced in their previous encounters. This was another fun match, and Hardy got to look like a fucking megastar, but I’d like to see them really go full bore in a PPV match. ***3/4
Undertaker beat Jeff Hardy

I know Hardy won, but my computer won’t physically allow me to say otherwise. And stupid Big Show tried to tell us that the Undertaker has no magical powers.

Jeff runs to the back to once again get in Vickie’s face, who says she’ll put him in the title match if he can win next week…against Triple H!

The Dope:
There was some junk I could of done without and I’m not thrilled over MVP’s continued character assassination, but the shit was kept short (unlike when I finally got my alone time with the porcelain today), resulting in a pretty rockin’ little show, thanks mainly to the two fine ass matches that bookended it. Oddly devoid of backstage segments, due time was given to the matches that needed, or at least deserved it, and the yield was a much better show than the squashtastic episodes we’ve seen recently.

I also love the way the Hardy story is progressing, as it’s fairly obvious he’s going to make it into the title match but there’s just enough doubt that he’ll lose next week and become truly unhinged to make it interesting. And keeping with Smackdown’s trend of making big matches for next week, we get another round of Hardy and Hunter. Yay! or…Cheers? Is it lame if I say that outside of the column? You’re probably going to say both.
oooOOOooo…I can read your ~MIND~! 3

4= White handkerchief (for Jeff!)
3= Mustard
2= Peach
1= Lime

Look them up and amaze your friends and family with your knowledge of color coded sexual deviancy!

Post Script

Speaking of cheers, which, kind of I was, I thought I might take a second to let anybody who may be interested know that the kay fabulous Cheers ‘n Jeers of Wrestling will officially become a Monday column, as of last week. So this is a late announcement of the move, to let the thousands and thousands of people who plan their Sundays around it that you will now have to make it for the following day. Right.

C U next Monday!