The Dope on Smackdown 11.28.08

Hi everybody! So sorry to leave you hangin’ last week, but as I explained in this week’s edition of The Cheers ‘n Jeers of Wrestling, I was far too hungover to provide an adequate recap. I started, you know. I tried. But everything was coming out like “…now somebody does something. And I wish I was dead.” I’m sure you’d all agree, that would have been no fun at all. Speaking of fun, why don’t you take that joint out of your mouth and put some pants on, already? Nah, just kidding, keep doin’ what you’re doin’, it’s all good. It’s only Smackdown.

We were LIVE from…North Dakota…maybe? with J.R. & Tazz.

Vickie Guerrero welcomes us to the show, and welcomes Edge, who is now back from hell, back with his wife and back with the WWE title. Man, talk about getting your shit together. I think Edge would have a very bright future as a motivational speaker, should he choose to pursue a post-WWE career in that field. Edge says he woke up Sunday, read about what happened to Jeff, and started to drink. Wait, no…he’s not me. Actually, he decided to take advantage of the opportunity presented, and, well, if you didn’t already know, you can probably guess from the title belt he’s carrying how that turned out. Man, I remember being a kid and not having internet and finding out about Diesel winning the world title from Bob Backlund during an announcement made at a house show I went to days after his victory. Now I would know about that within hours of it happening. Hey… I live in the future!

Anyways, Edge refutes the claim that he only cares about the championship, saying that Vickie’s happiness was paramount to him. Vickie thanks him for being her hero and for saving her from Jeff Hardy‘s irresponsibility, causing Jeff and his irresponsible face paint to run down and attempt to extract a pound or two of flesh. Security holds him back, and Hunter shows up to join in the fracas. Now Kozlov is here and he still wants the title. Vickie says tonight there will be three beat the clock matches, and the winner will face Edge for the belt at Armaggedon. Jeff doesn’t need to go anywhere, ’cause his match is next….after a word from our sponsors.

Beat the Clock: Jeff Hardy vs THE Brian Kendrick w/Zeke (and a totally wicked Sgt. Pepper coat)
Kendrick does the shuffle of avoidance for a little while but eventually gets caught with a roll-up for 2. Backslide and a cradle each get 2 for Jeff and Brian bails. Jeff follows, but backs off from Zeke and gets back in the ring. Kendrick follows suit but gets suplexed and leg dropped for 2. Brian makes it to the ropes, causing Jeff to give up his chinlock. Jeff stays on the attack, hitting a reverse atomic drop and the two legs to the twig and berries for yet another 2. Jeff takes a page out of Brian’s playbook, kicking the shit out of him and planting him with a back body drop. Kendrick takes a powder, but Jeff tosses him back into the ring and slams him for 2. Kendrick manages to shoot Jeff into the corner but runs into an elbow. Jeff goes up, Brian crotches him and follows it up with a neckbreaker. Beyonce starts singing and dancing, and then…oh, wait. This is just a commercial.

Back from, with Kendrick slapping on a reverse necklock. Jeff fights out of it and gets a small package for 2, but Kendrick pulls him down face first to the corner. Brian gets a camel clutch and trades up to a cobra clutch, which Jeff rams his way out of it in the corner. Brian charges and Jeff hangs him up on the top rope. Tree of woe! Fancy corner dropkick! 2! Well past the 10 minute mark, with Jeff slowly hitting a facebuster that gets another 2. Kendrick shoves out of a TOF but gets dropped with a Whisper in the Wind. Jeff makes the cover but Brian gets his foot on the bottom rope. Zeke tries to drag Kendrick out but Jeff hits him with a fancy, between the ropes dropkick and plants Brian with an alleyoop, followed by a Swanton for the win and a beat the clock time of 12:13.

Jeff pinned Brian
This was on the verge of squash territory in the early going, but Kendrick got competitive and this turned into a fine little match. Jeff’s lack of urgency brought this down a little, though. It’s like he forgot he’s a crazy guy hell bent on earning another title shot and he let Kendrick dance around way too much. C’mon dude, it’s beat the clock. Put some snap into your step, fella! ***

Some Chick is with Matt Hardy, and she wants to know what he thinks about being Kozlov’s beat the clock opponent. Hardy is a maverick, so he decides not to answer and addresses Edge & Vickie’s remarks about his brother instead. Matt concedes that Jeff has had his troubles, but he knows in his heart that Edge & Vickie were responsible and he’s going to do his part to help his brother get back the shot he deserves. I wish Matt Hardy was my brother. I don’t have a brother, but if I did, he’d probably be an asshole. Not like Matt. Sigh.

We get a video package for the Big Show/ Undertaker casket match. Good job, production team! I couldn’t tell at all that the match sucked ass from watching that. At the conclusion, we learn that them two are gonna go at it again next week…IN A STEEL CAGE!

The Bella twins & Michelle McCool vs Maryse, Victoria & Natalya
Michelle and Victoria start out, some stuff happens, and then one of the twins tags in. More stuff happens, and then the other twin gets tagged in. Other twin gets 2 on Vic, but gets caught trying to do something, awkwardly, and slammed down (also awkwardly), allowing Natalya to tag in. Suplex! 1! Natalya slaps on a surfboard, but gives it up after nearly pinning herself, and powers the twin over to the corner for a Victoria tag.

Vic hits her fancy Firewoman’s sidewalk slam for 2 and tags Maryse in. Maryse punishes her (and us) with shitty forearm shots and kicks but she fucks up and Michelle gets the tag. Michelle is a Barbie dream house of fire, knocking Nattie off the apron and dropping Maryse with a pair of dropkicks. She covers, but Vic breaks it up, causing one of the twins to go after her. Michelle cradles Maryse but the ref is too busy trying to cop a feel on either of the brawling babes to count it.

Michelle boots the catfight off the apron and walks right into a Maryse clothesline. Maryse knocks the other twin off the apron and goes for a DDT, but Michelle counters. Oh, but she counters right into an errant clothesline from a vengeance seeking twin, allowing Maryse to fold her up with the sex pin for the win.

Maryse pinned Michelle
Ugh. I hate myself for saying this, but you know who has been growing on me little by little? Maryse! I still think she’s not quite ready to be on TV, wrestling wise, but she’s really come into her own playing an asshole Diva. Anyways, this match wasn’t very good, but what did you expect? *1/4

Post match, Michelle bitches out the twins until Maria runs down to play peace(of ass)keeper. Michelle shoves her down, because she’s a bitch. Or she’s supposed to be. Why wouldn’t Michelle be pissed? She has every right to be! Honestly, Maria is a fuckhead who cost her a match a few weeks ago and the twins did fuck up tonight. Why would anybody like her less for rightfully admonishing those who cost her victory? Me no understand.

Beat the Clock: Vladimir Kozlov vs ECW champion Matt Hardy (non-title…duh!)
Hurrapops up to just say that he’ll be coming back to Smackdown next week. Yay for him, ’cause it’s been a long, long time.

Much locking up and circling around to start. Matt grabs a headlock and keeps it, forcing the big man down. Kozlov gets to his feet, causing Matt to roll to the outside and stall out there for a good while. Psychology! Matt takes his sweet time re-entering and gets taken down and gut-wrenched when he finally does. Matt fights out of it, but gets planted with a shoulderblock and rolls to the outside once again. Kozlov gives chase on the outside, and Matt gets the drop on him once the action gets back in the ring. Vlad shrugs it off and hooks his arms for a succession of sternum headbutts before booting him down. Kozlov charges but runs into a boot as we run into another commercial break!

Back from, with 3:37 left on the clock and Matt getting belly-to-belly suplexed for 2. Kozlov mounts him for some punching and headlocking, before scooping him up for a rib breaker that gets 2. Matt starts to fight back but gets caught with a fallaway slam for another 2. Koz sets him up on the top rope and delivers a few headbutts for before hitting a fallaway slam from the…bottom rope. Well, that’s little extra height, I suppose. Better than nothing. That gets 2, as does another slam. Matt slips out of a powerslam attempt and hits a Side Effect. With 30 seconds left, Vlad rolls to the outside. He comes back in and shoves out of a TOF, but he shoves so hard that Matt tumbles to the floor and doesn’t make it back in before the time runs out. Vladimir Kozlov did not beat the clock.

Nobody won, but Matt’s music played, so advantage: Hardy!
Not the most exciting contest, but Matt picked up Jeff’s slack from earlier, playing the role of a guy who doesn’t want the other guy to win perfectly. Of course, even though the psychology was better, I wouldn’t say the match was. Matt stalled a lot, Kozlov did his stuff, and the end result was a solid outing. **1/4

Jeff, who was watching in the back, gets confronted by Hunter and they do the silent staredown deal. Is it gay that I’m always hoping someone will go for a quick kiss whenever these happen? Probably. Oh, well.

Miz & Morrison vs Jesse & Festus
Morrison is cool and the Miz is not retarded (despite what his shorts and haircut might lead you to believe), so we have an interesting contrast here. Miz beats the crap out of Jesse and tags in Johnny boy. Damn, Jesse sure gets himself into peril awful quick like. Miz tags back in and slaps on a necklock, which Jesse eventually back suplexes out of.

They both tag, Festus goes crazy on Morrison, and John rings the bell after being knocked to the outside. Jesse, who was waiting on the outside, drills Morrison with a clothesline and rolls him back into the ring. Jesse rings the bell and Festusmania resumes, until Miz takes Jesse out and rings the bell again. M & M beat the holy fuck out of Jesse while Festus stands there. The ref has seen enough and calls for the DQ, but they’re not through yet.

They turn their attentions to Festus, and Miz forces his hand into an “L” shape and puts it to his forehead. Hahaha, what a fucking prick. John, who’s holding the bell, decides it’d be funny to ring it (he was right) and Festus erupts. He rings it again before any harm can come to his partner, and they proceed to have MUCH fun at the expense of Festus, until Miz fucks up, accidentally ringing the bell and causing the retard to clothesline them both out of the ring. That was great. Dancing Brock great.

Jesse & Festus won by DQ
Okay, the match was junk, probably * or so, but everything that happened after was like, ****, at least.

Mr. Kennedy (….Kennedy) is in the back with Triple H for a good old fashioned chat with a side of straight-to-DVD promotion. Hunter congratulates him for returning on RAW (so, is he on RAW now??) and answers Kennedy’s dumb question about if he thinks he can beat Shelton. (It was “yes”, just in case. Yes, Hunter thinks he can beat Shelton. I know! Stop the presses!)

Beat the Clock: US champ Shelton Benjamin vs Triple H (non-title…duh! part deux)
It’s weird to see Benjamin with a belt while Hunter goes without. I almost expect Hunter to say “gimme that, snapperhead” and declare himself the new US champ mid-match. Shelton snags a headlock but gets put down with a shoulderblock, Hunter goes for a Pedigree and Shelton gets the fuck outta dodge. Hunter follows him out and beats the shit out of him before rolling him back into the ring. Shelton gets the drop and goes on the attack but Hunter rebounds with a clothesline and makes another Pedigree try. Shelton back body drops him, but Hunter counters to a sunset flip for 2.

Shelton charges, but Hunter takes him down with a Crippler Crossface. Hey, is that the first time it’s been seen on regular TV since ol’ Killy McMadman last used it? Err, second-to-last used it? Shelton makes it to the ropes, but Hunter drags him back to the middle of the ring and slaps it back on. Shelton makes it to the ropes again and counters a suplex to a neckbreaker as the TV counters Smackdown with a commercial break.

Back from, with 5:39 left on the clock and Shelton wearing the game out with a chinlock. Hunter fights out of it and sends him to the ropes, but Benjamin counters a back body drop with a HUGE DDT for 2 before going back to the chinlock. Hunter powers up and nails a clothesline to the back of Shelton’s head. High knee! Knee smash! 2! Shelton decides to take a walk but Hunter once again retrieves him, giving him a good bash into the guard rail on the way back in.

Shelton immediately rolls to the outside again, so Hunter follows him and smashes him onto the announce table. Hunter rolls him in again, but keeping Shelton in the ring proves to be as hard as keeping a dog in a bathtub (or your balls in someone’s ass), as the slippery US champ once again rolls to the floor. Hunter finally keeps him in, hits the spinebuster and goes for the Pedigree, which Shelton once again avoids, this time with a back body drop.

With 1:00 left, Shelton again makes a play for the floor, but Hunter won’t let him leave. The ref gets knocked down in the struggle and Hunter finally hits the Pedigree. Obviously, there is no one to count the pin and Hunter has to watch the time run down as the ref groggily makes his way over. 3 seconds left…super slow post-bump ref count…1…2….BUZZ! The ref raises Hunter’s hand, but L’il Naitch runs down to dispute it. The final decision? Jeff and Hunter hit the finish line at the exact same time.

Hunter pinned Shelton
And here the night comes full circle, as we end on a high note with a match chock full of sound psychology and great action. Not a classic, and I’m not even sure that this is the best match they ever had, but it smelled like **** to me. Mmmm, gotta love that four snowflake smell.

Hardy comes on down after to hang out with Hunter and the refs. The show ends. Apropos of nothing, I think I’m now going to make some nachos.

The Dope:
It’s fitting that our main event was contested under Beat the Clock rules, as it was so good I’m sure it prompted many a wrestling geek to beat their…um, forget it. And the other two were good as well. AND thanks to the extra curricular activity, I was actually entertained immensely by a Jesse & Festus match. Really, the only thing that sucked tonight was the ladies match, and that was far from the worst match I’ve seen in recent times. Damn, Smackdown, you were really lookin’ pretty fine tonight. You seeing anybody right now? 3.5

4= Getting it
3= Almost getting it
2= Not getting it
1= Paying for it

C U Next Time!