The Dope on Smackdown 12.05.08

We were LIVE from ah, missed it again, with J.R. & Tazz.

What’s this? A match to kick off the show? With no talking first or anything? Seriously?

WWE champion Edge w/Vickie Guerrero vs Kung Fu Naki (non-title)
Kung catches him with a back kick to the breadbasket and follows it with a flurry of kicks and chops that leave the champ reeling. Edge reverses an Irish whip(no, I’m not going to call it an Oriental whip, you bigot, he’s from Texas!), but runs face first into a boot. Kung delivers a DDT from the second rope that gets the first 2 of the night. He gets two more 2s with a roll-up and a small package, respectively, and plants Edge with big facecrusher. Crane kick! 2! Naki charges and eats a big boot. Spear! 1, 2, Kung kicks out! I don’t believe it! You shouldn’t either, ’cause it didn’t happen.

Edge pinned Funaki
One of those weird little “reverse squashes”, wherein the squashee acts as the squasher for the whole match but eventually falls to a finisher. I really don’t have much else to say about this match…in fact, I have nothing else to say at all. 3/4*

Post match, Vickie gets on the stick to announce that Jeff Hardy and Triple H will have to run the gauntlet as a tag team before they can officially lay claim to WWE title contention. The catch? The match will only end once they’ve lost. Gee, I’m no Einstein, but I can think of at least one fairly easy way out of that. I won’t say, ’cause I know you’ve already figured it out, too. Just in case, it rhymes with Flatant Wedgerammer Snot.

Divas champion Michelle McCool vs Maria (non-title)
Michelle takes her down and pounds away, but the ref (who is obviously gay) breaks it up once they roll into the ropes, much to the consternation of many boners around the world, I’m sure. Maria fights out of a headlock, but gets planted with a pair of shoulderblocks and a European uppercut. Michelle whips her to the corner and gives her some shoulder shots, but Maria manages to pull off a sunset flip for 2. Michelle misses a corner forearm blow and Maria takes over.

Maria goes for a big standing boot, but Michelle grabs her leg and pushes her back, causing her to land in the splits position. Okay, that was kinda cool. Unfortunately, Maria follows it with the worst small package the wrestling world has ever seen and fortunately for this match, that wasn’t the finish. Michelle dropkicks her in the face for 1 and slaps on some bodyscissors. Maria eventually jawbreakers her way out of that and takes McCool down with a pair of clotheslines. The take turns ducking eachothers kick and clothesline attempts, and then Maria gets a roll up for the win.

Maria pinned Michelle
I’d be lying if I said this was as bad as I thought it would be, but I’d also be lying if I said this wasn’t bad. Look, I don’t have a lot of hate for Maria. I think she’s been one of the more entertaining “backstage interview chicks” that we’ve seen pop up over the last few years and there are any number of things she could be doing that I would have no problem with. Unfortunately, wrestling just isn’t one of them. Not right now anyway, and having her pick up wins over the infinitely more capable (but still in no position to yank a good match out of the likes of Maria) Divas champ does nothing for nobody. 3/4*

Maria runs to the back to celebrate with the Bellas and the Colons. Michelle McCool shows up with a knock-knock joke (I love those). “Knock-knock” “Who’s there?” “Kick” “Kick who?” “Kick you in the fucking stomach!” Nobody else laughed, but I thought Michelle was hilarious. Please note that Michelle didn’t actually make a “joke” per se, rather she just tapped Maria on the shoulder and kicked her so hard in the stomach that her uterus fell out.

Big Show has a pre-recorded message for the Undertaker. Actually, it’s more like a pre-recorded introduction to a video package of their feud. You know, I don’t like it when they do this. It’s not a big thing, but I prefer old fashioned talking to the ‘I’m-so-mad-I-had-a-video-made-of-our-feud approach. Then he does that gay dance move, you know, where you make a fist and bring it down slowly in front of your face. Yes, I’m sure ‘Taker’s glad he’s wearing black pants right now.

MVP is in the ring and he’s got something to say. He’s had a bad run of luck, and to add insult injury, he no longer will have his pyrotechnics and entrance moon bounce. Further addition in the insult department came from Hurricane Helms and his hurtful ‘Hurrapop’ remarks. MVP demands satisfaction…tonight!

MVP vs Hurricane Helms (non-title)
Helms gets a good Hurrapop from the crowd. Hurricane goes behind but MVP counters and bodyslams before dropping the elbow. MVP puts him down with a shoulderblock, but a second one is halted by a Hurrapose. Helms gets an armdrag and keeps another one for a cross armbreaker. Porter makes the ropes and whips Helms to the corner, but Hurricane meets him there with headscissors. Montel counters by dumping him to the floor and bringing him back in for a pair of 1 counts.
MVP slaps on a body vice but Helms grabs a rope and pounds his way to freedom. MVP runs right into a hurraclothesline and a forearm in the corner. helms flies off the top with a crossbody and telegraphs the shining wizard but gets caught with a devastating clothesline. Montel goes for the Playmaker but Helms counters it with an Eye of the Hurricane and hits a fancy kick to the back of his head for the win.

Helms pinned Porter
Well, Helms needs to lose his Hurragut, but other than that he looked great, especially in light of how long he’s been gone. It was obvious in the post-match close-ups that this was an emotional night for the former superhero and it was pretty cool to see him get a great reaction from a crowd that is frequently lambasted for having memories that don’t go past the last Wrestlemania. The match itself was fine. Two guys, one making his return, one continuing his losing streak. Everything went exactly as one would expect. But it’s the first time in a long time that an MVP loss hasn’t left me pissed off, so… **1/4

Jeff Hardy is all painted up and struttin’ his stuff in the back when he runs into Hunter. They’re both sick of each other. Maybe the problem is all they’ve been doing lately is wrestling. I think they should go on a cruise together, or maybe a long hike followed by a nice picnic. You know, rekindle what was so special in the first place.
Michael O beat Commercials via fast forwarding

Jeff Hardy & HHH vs Hawkins & Ryder
Hawkins hammers away on Hardy to start but makes the mistake of whipping him into the corner and compounds the mistake by standing there for a Whisper in the Wind. Hunter tags himself in and delivers a spinebuster to the also recently tagged Ryder. Pedigree! Jeff interrupts the cover by flying off the top with a swanton onto Zack. Hunter and Jeff give each other the stink eye before Jeff takes out Hawkins, allowing Hunter to pin his prey.
Hunter pinned Zack

A shoving match between the two contenders leads to our next gauntleteers…

Jeff Hardy & HHH vs Miz & Morrison
Hmmm..would’ve figured these two would be last out. We JIP from a commercial break, with Hunter beating the piss out of Miz. Suplex! Knee drop! 2! Hunter tags in Jeff, holding Miz in place for a Hardy kick. Jeff whips him to the corner and follows with a big splash, which gets 2. Miz tags out and Morrison runs right into a backslide for another 2. Hunter back in and he’s all about the arm wrench. Jeff tags back in and follows a bodyslam with a legdrop for 2. Jeff tags Hunter back in by way of chest slap and Hunter takes his aggressions out on John ’til a well-timed kick to the back from Miz curbs his momentum. It’s not for long, as Hunter rebounds with a knee smash and knocks Miz off the apron. Morrison puts him down with a fancy kick and tags out, allowing Mizmania to run wild.

Miz corner clothesline! 2! Morrison tags in for some double team action and slaps on a chinlock. Hunter assumes the face-in-peril position while Jeff gives a thumbs down on the apron. Trips eventually back-suplexes his way out of trouble and dodges a corner assault, which allows him to make the tag and Jeffmania to run wild. Facebuster! Another one for Morrison! Fancy corner dropkick! Morrison breaks up the count, causing Hunter to run in and beat his ass. Jeff fancy kicks Miz out of the ring and onto the other two, followed by an over the top splash onto all three. Miz & Morrison make it back inside, Hunter starts beating the fuck out of Hardy while the ref counts ’em out and several seconds later the match ends.

Miz & Morrison won via count-out
Hey! Miz & Morrison were the last team out after all! Good for them! Hawkins & Ryder must feel like dickheads right about now, but they probably did before this anyway, so no harm, no foul. **1/2

God, I know I’ve said some bad things about you before, and maybe you’re still sore over the fact that I don’t believe in you, but if you could please, PLEASE find it in your heart to make the new Punisher movie not suck, I promise that the manger scene outside the church down the block from me will go unmolested this year. Thanks.

Edge and Vickie are loving that Hardy & Hunter don’t get along. What do they care? Does having Hardy and Hunter hate each other improve Edge’s chances at Armageddon in any way? It’s not a handicap match, dude. Hardy bursts into the room and gets in Edge’s face. Edge wants to clarify to that he had nothing to with his Survivor Series day attack and casts aspersions on Triple H. Speaking of Triple H, he shows up to continue his fight with Hardy, which requires several thousand referees and officials to break up. Turned on by all the violence, Edge and Vickie start making out. Did they ever start with that “marketing to the kiddie set” plan everybody was lamenting a few months ago? ‘Cause I really haven’t noticed.

ECW champ Matt Hardy vs Chavo Guerrero (non-title)
Chavo gets some head (as in headlock, you pervs) but is soon put down with a shoulderblock. Chavo does some fancy flippin’ to escape a hammerlock and runs right into a clothesline. Matt drops an elbow for 2 and sends him to the corner for the ol’ clothesline/bulldog special. Chavo hits a back suplex and beats Matt down in the corner. Matt fights back with a bodyslam and an elbow bat off the top for 2. Chavo fights off a Side Effect and dropkicks him for 2 but Matt rebounds with a back body drop. Uh-oh, Vladimir Kozlov is here now and he tosses Chavo out of the ring so he can get him some Hardy. Vlad ties him up in the ropes and kicks the shit out of him until a herd of zebras come out to prevent any further carnage.

Matt won via DQ
Eh, pretty much just a teaser trailer of previous matches between the two. I don’t know that feeding Matt to Kozlov is the best idea in the world, but I guess his popularity is strong enough to bear it. It’s obvious that they’re not really quite sure what do with the big guy at the moment and for me it’s just a question of how many place holder feuds he’ll have before he either moves up the card or finally take his first loss and moves on to mid-card monster oblivion. *1/4

The Great Khali is checkin’ his sexy self out in a mirror when Ranjin pops in for a belch inducing pat on the back. The Kiss cam is next! Oh, and Khali speaks english now!

DX try to get me to buy an Elimination Chamber playset by being absolutely hilarious. Nice try fellas, but I just don’t need one right now.

Khali & Ranjin come out for a special holiday edition of the Kiss cam. Khali is all “nah, I don’t want to do this”, yet again. Just what exactly did he think was going to happen? I love these bits, but it’s pretty non-sensical if you think about it. Or, even if you don’t, actually. Ranjin says he has something special for the Punjabi playboy and brings out Some Chick, who is all decked out in a little Mrs. Claus outfit. Ranjin makes him hold up the mistletoe and…they kiss! I’m shocked, I thought Eve was surely coming out to just pick a fat chick for Khali. There goes my girlfriend’s theory that Khali has a spouse-imposed limit on the type of chick he can lock lips with. Khali, through Ranjin, gets political, saying make love, not war. Makes sense that he’d be a peacenik, coming from a country that replaces all fight scenes in movies with lavish dance numbers.

Steel Cage match: Big Show vs Undertaker
Show powers Taker into the corner and makes with the punches. Sidewalk slam! Headbutt! Continued corner beatdown! Suplex! Lazy recapping! Show goes up for a Vader splash or whatever the fuck that move is called, but Taker moves out of the way. Or at least, he tried to. That must have felt great. Show stalls while Taker recovers, which proves to be his undoing as Taker comes at him with a series of punches and splashes him while he’s caught between the ropes and the cage. Taker charges again with a big boot that connects but a third attempt at smashing the big man is thwarted by a back elbow. Show whips him into the unforgiving steel as seconds later this show whips me into a commercial break.

Back from, with Big unloading on Taker with rights and lefts. He whips him into the cage and waits with a clothesline that gets 2. Oh, cool…this is one of those cage matches where you can win by pin or submission. I like those. Show smashes him into the cage yet again and drops him with another clothesline. Taker takes another whip into the cage but ducks the clothesline and gets his punch on. Taker wins the punch-off and plants Show with a flying lariat, followed by a leg drop for 2. Taker hits him with a pair of corner clotheslines and goes Old School, but Show beats him into superplex position and delivers one from the second rope. That gets 2, so Show goes up for a top rope splash. Taker sits up, so he bails on the splash and just go for escape, but the Dead Man meets him up there for some brawling. Taker manages to hit a succession of blows and delivers a throat thrust that sends Show falling backward to the mat.

Taker is all set for victory, but at the last minute he decides to go for a top rope leg drop instead. He misses with that and Show covers for 2. Show goes for the chokeslam, but Taker counters with a DDT that gets 2 and goes for a chokeslam of his own. Yeah, ’cause that’s always worked out so well anytime he’s tried it in their 2,000 previous encounters. Of course, Show counters with his chokeslam, but it only gets 2. Show telegraphs the K.O. punch, but Taker counters it by, well, punching him first, and charges. He runs right into the K.O. punch and Show slowly crawls over for a cover, but Taker sits up before he can. Show goes for another chokeslam, Taker counters to the gogoplata (wacky J.R. name this week: Hell’s Gate) and the Big man taps.

Undertaker won by submission
This was headed for dullsville until things began to pick up at the end. Big ups to my main dead man for taking the brunt of a Show splash and not crying about it. Far from the worst match these two have had, but not quite up to their best stuff, either. **3/4

The Dope:
No Kendrick? What’s the science? Maybe he was too busy gettin’ stoned to show up, much like me last night. Despite the utter lack of fancy jackets, this was a solid show that continued Smackdown’s trend of being the best rasslin’ show around. I think. I’ve forgotten already, was RAW any good this week? Anyways, I have to leave for Portland soon. Bye everybody! 3

4= Mahistrol cradle
3= Small package
2= Roll up with a fist full of tights
1= Lateral press

C U Next Time!