The Dope on Smackdown 12.12.08

Hello, hello. Since I didn’t get the chance to respond to the comments until it was far too irrelevant, I’ll do it now when it’s…even more irrelevant? Sure, why not.

Special ‘The Dope on Smackdown’ edition of KAHMMENT BAWKS:

Guest 0649 (that your Christian name?) took umbridge with my statement that Maria pinning Michelle did nothin’ for nobody:

I disagree.

Michelle already beat Maria in their first match three weeks ago. Beating her twice in a row would serve no purpose. Maria winning boosts her and causes Michelle more frustration, furthering her heel turn.

Well, you’re absolutely right about that. It was a poor choice of words on my part, as I was referring more to the grander scheme of having somebody as shitty as Maria going over the title holder doing nothing to improve the state of the perpetually fledgling Diva’s department. Re-reading it, I see that I didn’t do a very good job of making that clear. But can you imagine if somebody who hasn’t watched wrestling in years decided to check out last week’s show? That’s the standard for women’s wrestling today? Make no mistake, the division, despite having made some big steps in the right direction, is still on the road to recovery and my poorly made and unclear point was that somebody like Maria shouldn’t be wrestling, let alone beating somebody like Michelle.

The Great Cap’n Smooth had a question:

Mr. O, HHH and HBK are pure gold. They need to try teaming once in a while. Oh wait. Nevermind. Honestly, what one wrestler in the WWE do you think is best to join DX?

Currently contracted WWE superstar? I’ll go with Mike Knox. DX still kinda “owes him one” from the 2006 Survivor Series. And he has great ‘straight man’ potential, which is something nobody ever says about this Mike.

From fellow pot head and world’s first non-douche, moustache-less goatee-wearer, Jboy1307:

Portland is full of hipsters. Watch out there might even be a few with only chin whiskers!!!!!! I hope your going to wear your tight jeans. A white belt wouldnt hurt you either. HAHA. Good read again fucker. Hope the P town treats you better then last time.
THC u later

Oh, my time in Seattle, specifically my time spent dabbling in band management, has more than prepared me to be in the company of hipster douche bags. That said, I did indeed see more white belts than I’d have ever expected at a NIN show. Even more disconcerting, I didn’t see any of them getting choked to death in the pit! Portland was fine this time around, a fact I attribute to the lacking presence of Cryme Tyme.

And long presumed dead former WWFer Todd Pettingill treated me to a sampling of lyrics from one of the greatest songs known to man:

Gets your heart up pumping …

Gets the party jumping …

He’s the MATCH-O MAAAAAAAAAAAAAN

Everybody saying …

He’s really quite amazing …

He’s the MATCH-O MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

What can I say? You have amazing taste in music, sir.

Alright, light that shit up, space cadets, it’s Dope time:

We were LIVE from Since Nobody’s Complained About Me Not Naming The Location For The Last Few Weeks, I’ll Continue The Trend, NY with J.R. & Tazz.

We open the show with a bang as Jeff Hardy begins to brawl with Triple H down the ramp. Vickie and Chavo Guerrero show up with some refs…Smackdown is out of control! Vickie sends Chavo in to arbitrate and he is predictably is punched in the face by Hunter. The zebras eventually separate the two challengers and hold them back so Vickie can give them a good shrieking to. The dulcet tones of Vickie’s shrieking voice prove insufficient to calm the two foes and the brawling continues until the refs hold them off long enough for a commercial break. Now that’s how you kick off a fuckin’ show!

MVP vs R-Truth
Hey, maybe since MVP has already lost out (or ‘oot’ for any Canadians readers) on his incentive bonus, he’ll turn things around tonight. Or R-Tard will take the win and continue to do fuck all. I’ll have to wait a few minutes to find out, but you can skip right to the end of this match recap for the answer. Lucky! MVP delivers some clubbing blows but gets hiptossed coming off the ropes. Truth makes a run at him and gets caught with an overhead toss. MVP bodyslams him and drops a series of elbows for 2. Montel does some ground ‘n pound and slaps on a chinlock, eventually relenting so he can lay in some forearm shots and hit a back suplex that gets 2.

His Truthiness pries free from a camel clutch and makes it to the corner, getting in a few shots before MVP scoops him up and…bodyslams him. Hmmm…seemed like he was thinking of doing something else and changed his mind at the last second. Hey, he’s his own man, he can do what he wants. Whatever the case, it got 2. MVP whips him to the corner and scoops him up on the rebound, forcing him on to his shoulders, and Truth takes the opportunity to sunset flip his way to victory. Ahhh, so that’s what they were trying to do. Second time’s the charm, I guess.

R-Tard pinned MVP
Nothing special, with MVP dominating the entire time and falling victim to a surprise pin. I’d say I’m going to knock half a snowflake off for the blown finish, but honestly, I don’t give a fuck about that and they did a good enough job covering it up. What I DO give a fuck about is MVP continuing his losing ways, and it needs to stop soon ’cause I’m really getting tired of bitching about it. *1/2

Post match, Montel gets on the mic and lambasts the crowd for their schaudenfraud. He says he is not having a very happy holiday season so far. Aww, you and me both, buddy. At least he has the fact that he’ll always be better than everybody else to fall back on. That brings out Mr. Kennedy, who thinks MVP should cheer up. MVP keeps trying to tell him to STFU, but some dick cut his mic off.

Kennedy does the humorous shill thing for his dumb movie, as I note that Kennedy isn’t nearly as good at that as DX. Then again, Kennedy’s crappy movie isn’t nearly as cool as an elimination chamber playset, so he doesn’t really stand a chance. If this is leading to MVP kicking Kennedy’s ass en route to reclaiming his dignity, I’m all for it. If it’s to set up a return victory for Kenneth, then color me disinterested.

Matt Hardy is going to be the special guest on tonight’s edition of The Cutting Edge. Awkward! Or maybe enough time has passed that they can be all “high five! we nailed the same chick, dude!” Eh, that’s also awkward.

We get a creepy promo for some kind of creepy Aussie sounding dude. “Others like me”, “prophecy”, “annihilation”…yadda, yadda. Whatever happened to Kizarny? That guy was cool.

We cut to the The Bellas who are busy being twins when THE Brian Kendrick (with fancy jacket and lollipop) mosies on over to them. THE Brian attempts to get his mack on until those assholes The Colons show up to shoe him away. Zeke emerges from behind a dressing room door and it looks like we have ourselves a match.

THE Brian Kendrick w/ Zeke vs Primo Colon (tee-hee) w/ Carlito
I’d presumed this to be a tag encounter, but obviously I was wrong. You know, for anybody bitching about Kendrick’s alleged pot “addiction” preventing him from moving up the card (which I challenge the validity of because the guy seems to be doing exactly as good as anybody could reasonably expect), you must realize he comes from Olympia, Washington, which is like, the most liberal city in America. The cops actually give you a ticket if they pull you over and you’re not toking, so if the alleged marijuana abuse is in fact a problem, it’s not his fault. Hey, he could use that as a catchphrase now. Nobody else is!

Anyhoo, Primo out fancies Kendrick to start, taking him down with a series of leg trips, followed by mimicry of Brian’s patented taunts. Kendrick slaps him in the face and makes a runs to his man, taunting Colon from behind Zeke. Back in the ring, Primo goes on the attack but gets caught with a jumping calf kick. Kendrick kicks his ass for a while and I hope Primo, who is very much in face-in-peril mode, realizes that there is no hot tag to make.

Brian eventually misses a charge and Primo hits a suplex for 2. Kendrick gets him in position for The Kendrick but Colon kicks him in the face. Springboard crossbody! 2! Primo monkey flips him out of the corner and goes up top but Zeke comes over to distract. Carlito come over to counter the distraction and gets shoved backwards into the ring steps for his trouble. Primo jumps down from the top rope onto the outside apron to yell at Zeke but a kick to the head and a small package await him upon re-entry.

Kendrick pinned Colon
Pretty good little match, more so than this recap let on. You’ll just have to trust me that it was good, okay? Not epic or anything, but this was probably the best thing I’ve seen Primo involved with since he showed up here. **

DX show up via pre-recorded advert to show Mr. Lameddy how to do the funny shill thing. Shawn teases Hunter over his “King of Kings” teddy bear, causing Hunter to whip out the “HBK” bear and quip that it comes with a button that makes all it’s hair fall out. Hilarious!
See, that’s how you do it. Unfortunately, I’m not in the market for any wrestling themed teddy bears at the moment, but if I was, I’d go to WWEShopzone.com and order me up some right now. Gahh! They’re so good, they’ve got ME shilling their dumb shit!

Hurricane Helms vs US champ Shelton Benjamin (non-title)
It should be noted that Helms was already in the ring when we came back from break, thus making him the obvious underdog. Shelton catches him with a fireman’s carry and takes it to the corner, but Helms hits him with a blockbuster and goes up top. Shelton meets him with a mid-air dropkick and follows up with a baseball slide kick that sends him crashing to the floor. Benjamin goes after him for some outside abuse and brings him back in for a 2 before slapping on a chinlock. Helms battles out of it and charges but Shelton counters with a swinging neckbreaker.

Shelton gets all aggressive with the beat down and gets him with a cross armbreaker. Hurricane kicks his way to freedom and plants Shelton with a reverse elbow. Eye of the Hurricane! Helms goes for the Shiny Wizard (Yeah, I know, but I like my name better) and Shelton counters with a backbreaker. Benjamin whips him to the corner and charges but Helms gets a sunset flip for 2 and goes up top once again. Shelty leaps up for the counter but gets shoved back down and Helms connects with a crossbody for the win.

Helms pinned Benjamin
Hot little match that has me looking forward to future encounters. Helms is only going to get better, as any ring rust and, uh, stomach-al protrusion will fade with time and Shelton is really coming into his own as an aggressive heel. **1/2

Post match, Tazz gets in the ring to ask Helms how he feels about being back. Helms wants to be the US champ. He’s just sayin’.

The Cutting Edge:
Our host (that would be Edge, if you’re new to this) puts over his lack of involvement in Jeff’s Survivor Series day attack and introduces his guest. J.R. notes that these men have shared many things in the past, a bitter rivalry chief among them. And pussy. Matt takes a seat and tells Edge he thinks he’s guilty. Edge says all he did was take advantage of the opportunity that presented itself. Matt says he knows more than anyone that Edge is the scummiest person on the planet. Uh, I believe a certain Illinois governor would take exception to that. Edge says Matt is blinded by his hatred and tells him to stop being so myopic, which happens to be my second favorite word in the English language after “cunt”.

Edge mentions Randy Orton as a possible suspect. Well, he has been on bit of a superstar injuring ‘kick’ this year (hahaha get it?). Then he throws The Undertaker‘s name out there (bad move, guy) before settling on Hunter as his prime suspect. Matt wants the truth, whether he can handle it or not. Edge says the truth is that if it were Matt who’d been attacked and knocked out cold, no one would’ve cared. Matt responds by punching him in the face and here comes Kozlov. Edge takes the opportunity to blindside Matt and hightails it, leaving Kozlov free to beat the shit out of him and yell at him in Russian.

The Great Khali vs Hawkins & Ryder
Khali is announced as a Slammy award winner! Fantastic! So what do you think happened here? If you said “Khali killed them (metaphorically speaking) and pinned one of them”, then pat yourself on the back, you little clairvoyant.

Khali pinned…uh, Ryder, maybe? Who cares?
It was handicap squash that lasted all of 45 seconds. what the fuck am I supposed to say here?*

Some Chick is standing by with Triple H and asks him for his response to Edge’s accusations. He says if it was him, Jeff would still be knocked out and makes fun of his face paint. He also says that whether Jeff shows up or not, he’ll be leaving Armageddon with the belt. Well, he would say that, wouldn’t he?

The Bella Twins vs Maryse & Natalya
*groooaaan*….I so don’t care about this match. Apologies to Nicole and anybody else who is going to hate me for this, but I think I’m just going to f-f this bad boy.
Okay, really fast reversal sequence between a twin and Maryse…Natalya and other twin zip around…flips and counters occur…Maryse back in for a backbreaker and some other stuff…Camel clutch, dropkick…crossbody for the win. Phew, that was some fast paced action!

One of the twins pinned Natalya
Huh. Seemed like a pretty damn good match, but everything looks better in fast forward. Definitely the best Divas match I’ve watched in quite some time **

Some Chick is now with Vladimir Kozlov and asks him what he thinks about his Armageddon match with Matt Hardy. He says he will destroy all on his way to becoming champion. What a revelation!

Triple H vs Jeff Hardy
A reprise of the brawling that began our night starts the match and the action quickly spills to the outside. Jeff beats on Hunter a little, and both go at it tooth and nail on their way back inside. Jeff hits a running fancy dropkick through the ropes, knocking Hunter back out, and follows it with a running dive off the apron. Hunter gets whipped into the steel steps and Jeff runs the barricade to hit him with a flying assault. Hunter makes it back into the ring first and hits a clothesline that leaves both men laying. If you gotta have commercials, may as well be now.

Back from, with Jeff taking a hard whip into the corner. Hunter punches him some, and another hard corner whip gets 2. Hunter sends Jeff to the ropes but eats a kick on the rebound and gets clotheslined to the floor.
Jeff launches himself over the top onto Hunter, which leaves both men laying, yet again, on the outside. Jeff rolls Hunter back in takes a run at him but Hunter moves and Jeff hits the corner hard. Damn! Hunter mounts him and makes with some punchin’. Standing vertical suplex! Shades of Davey Boy Smith! Knee drop! 2! Hunter slams a knee into his back and gets his chinlock on. Jeff fights out, only to get planted with a high knee which gets 2.

Hardy tries to get back into it but Hunter punches him and dumps him to the floor. The Game slams his head into the announce table a couple of times and rolls him back in. Jeff pops up and hits him with a flying clothesline! Jeff ducks a clothesline and hits a couple of his own. Hunter whips him to the corner, but Jeff rebounds with another clothesline that gets 2. Fancy leg drop to the crotch! Fancy spinning heel kick! Jeff charges and gets planted with the AAHHH spinebuster, which gets 2. The crowd is on fire, eating every single one of these nearfalls, btw. Hunter shoves off a Twist of Fate attempt and goes for the Pedigree, but Jeff counters and heads up top…Whisper in the Wind! 2 and 3/4!

Hunter goes up now and comes off the second rope but Jeff kicks him in the gut and hits the facebuster. Hardy goes up once again, but Hunter punches him down onto the apron. They brawl between the ropes, Hunter locks the arms and pulls him through for a Pedigree but Jeff backdrops him and goes up for the Swanton. Hunter rolls out of the way and Jeff crashes to the mat as Edge runs for a match ruining spear to the Game.

Hunter won by DQ
This was pretty much one clean finish away from being a TV match of the year front runner, in my opinion. I’d have to go back and watch the other ones I guess, but this just might have been the best match these two have had. It says a lot when two guys can go at it as often as these two have recently and pull out something that feels fresh and exciting. Too bad for them that 2008 has been so chock full of great feuds that their little rivalry will most likely go overlooked, despite all the great matches that have been born from it. ****

The Dope:

LOVED the opening, which was a nice break from the norm, and who in their right mind could complain about that main event? Sure, the finish sucked some wind out of it, but you knew it was coming. Everything in between was solid, if unspectacular, which is too bad because if the mid-card was being used better, some of these recent Smackdown might be considered classics. 3

4= Fuck
3= Shit
2= Piss
1= Damn

C U Next Time!