The ECW on Sci-Fi Breakdown — 07.04.06

Happy birthday, America! I didn’t get you anything other than my love, but then you’ve been a bit of a pill lately.

Nice to see Sci-Fi’s Twilight Zone marathon including “The Monsters are Due on Maple Street.” Kick-ass episode in which a neighborhood descends into paranoia and madness because some aliens start screwing with their street lights. Of course, that’s just a fictional story. Just look at how organized we were during Hurricane Katrina and you’ll see that something like that could never really happen.

Anyhoo, a lot of people have been asking me why I don’t just rip into the WWE (and more specifically ECW) for putting on bad shows. The reason was I was actually kind of hoping they’d work out some bugs, but then I realized the show *was* the bug. (I actually have a longer explanation on the feedback blog, so check that out).

So, as a compromise I’ve decided to just unleash all my cynicism (about everything) on *this* show so it doesn’t bleed into other areas. Plus, if you know going in that I’m going to blast with both barrels, you can take the report with a grain of salt. Think of it as writing “in character.” Besides, it’s not like anyone is really defending ECW anymore.

ECW on Sci-Fi July 4, 2006 Live from Philadelphia, Penn. Your hosts are Joey Styles and Taz. Paul Heyman opens up the show to assure us that Rob Van Dam is still the ECW champion. Tonight will be a night to celebrate Rob Van Dam. The Big Show busts in and demands the title shot he was promised. You can hear a smattering chorus of boos as the crowd contemplates Show in the main event. I believe the announcer introduced Kelly as “Kelly Kelly,” which is helpful for her because I don’t think she’d be able to remember two names. Anyway, she’s wearing an American flag and not much else, and it’s becoming apparent that she’s intentionally doing a bad strip show this week. Mike Knox comes out and takes her away before we see her jubblies. Okay, here’s the deal with this gimmick. Jeff Jarrett already did it in 1999, and it sucked then too. So, unless Knox has a daddy who’s willing to open up his wallet and start a vanity promotion so Knox can be world champion, don’t get used to him. And if you need proof… Mike Knox vs. Little Guido. Before the match, Knox tries to explain himself, but the crowd tells him to shut the fuck up, and Little Guido attacks him from behind. Guido gets a dropkick, but Knox comes back with a backbreaker for two. The crowd starts a “you can’t wrestle” chant, which Taz thankfully acknowledges. Knox shuts them up with FOUR BODYSLAMS! FUCKIN’ MOTHERFUCKIN’ MOVESET~! Take that and shove it your piehole for not thinking he could work, you lousy smarks. Knox finishes with the Whirling Dervish (or whatever it’s called). Crowd did not like Knox. No, this isn’t “Heat” at all. This is the “New Breed.” 1/4* In the back, Rob Van Dam comes in to Heyman’s locker room and accepts a 60-day suspended sentence title defense against the Big Show. When we come back, Father Devito jumps the rail (grabs a conveniently placed microphone) and blasts the show as filth. Well, yes, but not in the way he means. If we watch ECW, we are sinners who will burn in hell. I got news for you, Devito, we’re already there. Obviously, this is yet another dig at L. Brent Bozell or a few others because he takes off his collar and reveals that he’s not really a priest. Sandman comes out, spares the rod, and spoils the fake preacher. Joey and Taz comically try to say that Sandman caning another guy is “freedom of speech.” Yeah, and OJ was just demonstrating his right to bear arms. RVD storms Big Show’s locker room and slaps him in the face. Reeear! Someone’s going through withdrawal (allegedly). In the hallway, RVD convinces Heyman that actually defending the title is a good idea. Sure. Test vs. Al Snow (w/Head). They should just let Test come out and do shoot interviews. The stories about banging Stacy Keibler would be worth it alone. Test dominates and finishes with an F5-ish move at 1:05. After the match, he gives the audience Head. This was okay, but what I’d really like to do is pay $39.95 to see it. 1/4* Finally, we get the debut of CM Punk, who seems to be his usual character plus black hair (he was blond when I last saw him). Well, that’s a plus. The minus is that he gets about ten seconds to introduce himself as a straight-edge warrior before he gets cut off. Pepsi got a nice plug out of it, though. ECW Heavyweight Title, Extreme Rules: Rob Van Dam vs. The Big Show. Styles says that you really have to see the Big Show up close to get an idea of how big he is. Good one. Never heard that one before. Now tell me how his hands are like a skillet and his head is as big as a typewriter. Show and Van Dam brawl into the crowd, and Van Dam hits his spinning legdrop as we go to break. We come back to Van Dam hitting his springboard dropkick. Show catches him on top, though, and superplexes him, drawing a generous “holy shit” chant from the crowd. The Hog Log gets two. The crowd starts a “marijuana” chant. Show really gives it to the crowd with a bearhug. Good thing this is under extreme rules. Van Dam starts hitting kicks, but Show catches him in mid-air and tosses him to the floor. Van Dam grabs a chair, but Show swats it away and hits a chokeslam. ONE, TWO, THRE-RVD kicks out. That pisses off Show, so he tosses the ref away. Show picks Van Dam up for a powerbomb, but Van Dam hits him with the chair. The Van Daminator sets up the Five-Star Frogsplash, but there’s no ref. Paul Heyman runs down and pulls a Shane McMahon by counting two and then screwing Rob over by letting Show chokeslam RVD and counting the three to give Show the title at 18:01. I’d say the ring fills with garbage, but that happened a long time before the match ever got under way. You really have to be there live to get a sense of the amount of garbage filling the ring. TV doesn’t do it justice. I’ll await the defense that “Show is the perfect heel champion for this promotion” to try and explain this in a way that makes sense. *3/4 Final Thoughts: Even with cynicism aside, this continues to be the worst wrestling show since WCW Saturday Night folded. Well, that’s not fair. WCWSN wasn’t so bad. This is worse than Thunder! I have no doubt that they can keep ratings in the 2’s by using it as a supplemental show for “Raw,” but that’s like saying I bought tickets to the Rolling Stones/Styx concert, so I must be a big Styx fan. Is it too much to ask for one promotion that isn’t run by a narcissist with a tiny penis?