The Feminine Complex: The Best Of Glow Volume 3

Tape Review #10

By Jake and Jessica, aged 4.
And Claire, aged 23.

Welcome to the Feminine Complex, the column that sucks the living down to
size 3.

Claire: There was an e-mail I got that said my columns were all the same and
for someone so critical of boring reviews, I was slipping into a pattern.
Darn straight and well pointed out. So to shake me out of my torpor, I’ve
dragged my two four-year-old cousins Jake and Jessica along to watch the
Best Of Glow Volume 3, David McLaine’s nightmarish 80s vision of wrestling
hell. I feel bad for putting the kids through this but here goes…an
experiment if you will. It’s a social experiment to see whether this kooky
mix of erotica, crotch shots and wrestling could cut it with the youth of
today…it didn’t start well…

Jake: Can’t we watch Buffy?
Jessica: Buffy! Buffy! Buffy!
Claire: You can wa…
Jake: BUFFY!
Claire: OK, you can watch Buffy after you help me watch this and review it
OK? Sheesh. OK, the first match is between the Heavy Metal Sisters Spike and
Chainsaw and the Southern Belles, Tara and Scarlett. It’s good vs evil. Who
are you going for?
Jessica: Spike! From Buffy!
Claire: Not quite…
Jessica: She looks funny…
Jake: Who fingerpainted her face?
Claire: OK, so the Southern Belles are losing really badly. Their gimmick
was southern losers who were pretty, while Spike and Chainsaw were badass
biker chicks fresh from the mental asylum (on day release) dressed like Gene
Simmons if Gene Simmons wasn’t an absolute misogynist creepy old bloke. The
other Glow tape I have has one of them losing by hypnosis and THAT is
creepy. McLaine tells a long story about Spike and Chainsaw being arrested
that makes Jake run to the fridge. Anyway Spike and Chainsaw kick the living
hell out of the Belles, like, all bad and stuff, until they pause to rip
apart the Belles hoop skirt…
Jake: HULA HOOP!
Claire: It’s from a hoop skirt…
Jessica: What’s that?
Claire: Don’t know. They aren’t big in Melbourne.
Jake: (Suddenly screaming) Make it stop!
Claire: Jake! You’re missing the good bit. This is the bit where they make
Tara bark like a dog, drench her in Southern Comfort and make her jump
through the hoop.
Jessica: This is stupid! She’s not a dog…
Claire: It’s a sexually dominant fantasy the creepy guy probably came up
with…
Jake: Make it stop!
Claire: OK…so the Southern Belles presumably won by disqualification. Spike
and Chainsaw go back to the dressing room cum mental hospital cackling,
while Tara and Scarlett cry in the ring humiliated. McLaine is probably
REALLY excited by this match. How many stars would Scott Keith give it kids?
Jake: Who’s Sam Teeth?
Claire: Ha…Sam Teeth…
Jessica: I like stars. They sparkle.
Claire: Good…out of five?
Jake: No…who’s Sam Teeth?
Claire: He watches videos like this and gives them marks out of five…
Jake: Why?
Claire: So people can…I don’t know…why do you think I do this?
Jessica: You want to meet Britney?
Jake: BRITNEY!
Jessica: BRITNEY!
Claire: OK…you want to hear our song?

(We take a break to listen to Lemon Tree by Fools Garden and dance stupidly
around.
The kids hated the first match lots and lots. I had to bribe them with
biscuits to watch
any more. Jake said the blonde girls sucked. Jessica said stupid a lot. Me
too. Oh
well…onto the next match…)

Claire: OK, so this is a match between the Head Hunters From Samoa and The
Cheerleaders Suzie Spirit and Debbie Debutante. It’s a tag team match for
the ages and it’s a VERY famous match from GLOW history. Are you kids
excited?
Jake: Biscuits!
Jessica: (Singing) I must confess, I still believe…
Claire: Just as a survey to see if I’ve taught you kids anything would you
rather watch this wrestling match, Melbourne beating Adelaide in the first
final in 1998 or Getaway with Catriona Rowntree?
Jake: Melbourne!
Jessica: Britney!
Claire: Oh well…it’s this match. I’ll…
Jake: (Tagging me) You’re It…
Claire: I’ll get you for that…anyway….look…one minute in, after the Samoan
Head Hunters have done some funky dancing that has NOTHING to do with Samoa,
one of the Head Hunters flips one of the Cheerleaders over and dislocates
her elbow.
Jake: SICK! AS! HELL!
Claire: Hey!
Jessica: What? What happened?
Jake: She hurt herself…
Jessica: (Sadly) Why? What happened?
Jake: The girl in the skirt hurt her…
Jessica: No…way…
(Funereal silence through each of the thirteen replays)
Claire: So…what did you think…
Jake: She hurt herself….
Jessica: She hurt herself…
Jake: I hurt myself once. Right here.
Jessica: Does Sam Teeth give stars to the girl who hurt herself?
Jake: I’ll give her a star.
Claire: He’d probably give it no stars…
Jake: Bad Sam Teeth…
Jessica: I want to get Tori Amos and give her a star…
Jake: Auntie Claire met Tori Amos…
Claire: Er…anyway…
Jessica: Did you? Tori Amos? Did you meet Britney?
Claire: Kids! Please! I’m trying to move on…
(Jake climbs on me and hugs me)
Jake: I like Tori Amos
Claire: Oh yes…I do too…but anyway…awww…are you sleepy?
Jessica: I hated the girl getting hurt…
Jake: I’ll give her a star…

(OK, the kids were really upset by the Cheerleader getting hurt. I feel
really bad now. We take another break for ice cream and then move on to our
MAIN EVENT! I put on Cornflake Girl for Jessica.)

Jessica: (Singing) RABBITS! RABBITS! WHERE DID YOU PUT THE KEYS GIRL?
Claire: What song are you singing?
Jessica: Tori Amos…
Jake: Auntie Claire knows her. Tell her Claire…
Claire: Let’s just leave it and move on. OK this is our main event between
Matilda The Hun and Mount Fiji, two larger ladies. It’s a lumberjack match.
Or a lumberjill match if you prefer your gender specific terminology. It’s
the immovable force taking on the unstoppable object…er…something like
that…let’s see what the kids think…
Jake: (Singing) FATTY BUM BUM!
Claire: Jake!
Jake: FATTY BUM BUM! FATTY BUM BUM!
Claire: Who taught you that?
Jessica: Didn’t you sing it?
Claire: Only to David Schwarz on bad days…look, everyone is beating up the
Fatty Bum Bum…er…Matilda…
Jake: MATILDA THE FATTY BUM BUM!
Jessica: They suck…
Jake: Why aren’t they moving?
Jessica: Can they not move?
Jake: Claire?
Claire: Sorry, I was distracted…
Jake: I know who you love…
Claire: Who?
Jake: Hayden…Lomaro…you love him…
Claire: Er…ha ha…just watch the match…
Jessica: She loves Sam Teeth…
Claire: Oh god no…
Jake: No she loves Tori Amos…
Claire: Can we just watch this! Please kids! Anyway so the barely mobile
Mount Fiji stumbles around through some exciting chokes and shoulder blocks.
Every time Matilda the Fatty Bum Bum…sorry…the Hun wanders over to the good
girl corner she gets beaten up, and every time Mount Fiji waddles over to
the bad girl corner she gets beaten up. It’s a fat chick a thon until
everyone runs into the ring and beats everyone up and nothing happens at
all. That’s the entire match. The kids are not impressed…
Jake: Who won?
Claire: No-one…
Jessica: Someone had to win…
Claire: Nope. It was a draw because all the skinny girls wandered in…
Jake: Auntie Claire, could you beat up them?
Claire: Do you think I could?
Jessica: That sucked big dogs balls…
Claire: JESSICA!
Jessica: What?
Claire: Don’t say that…
Jessica: Why? You do…
Claire: I’m older…and when you are older you can say things like that…
Jake: Does Sam Teeth like the Fatty Bum Bum match?
Jessica: (Rolling on the floor) This is so…boring!
Jake: Does he?
Claire: I think Sam Teeth would absolutely hate everything we’ve just
watched. Jake, what’s the worst thing that’s happened to you in the first
four years of young existence?
Jake: When I fell off the monkey bars and hurt my leg and tore my smock…
Claire: Jessica, what’s the worst thing that’s happened to you?
Jessica: When Paul hit me…
Claire: Was that video worse than that…
Jake: Yes…
Jessica: Can we watch Buffy now?
Jake: Oh there was this one time when like this big girl like tried to tell
me that Melbourne sucked and I said Melbourne doesn’t suck cos my Auntie
Claire likes them and she went out with Hayden Lomaro who used to play for
them and she knows David Schwarz and Garry Lyon and Jim Stynes and
everything so she should shut up…
Claire: I didn’t go out with Hayden Lomaro!
Jake: Claire and Hayden, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G…
Jessica: Oooooh….lovers….
Jake: You kissed him and got boy germs…
Claire: You kids…so out of five, how many stars would Sam Teeth give it?
Jake: A million trillion billion zillion…
Jessica: None….none…
Claire: OK, now you can go and watch Buffy…but not a scary one…you have to
watch the one with two Xanders in it….OK…
Jessica: The fish one!
Jake: The fish one!
Claire: Oh god….

So there you have it. This tape sucked great big dogs balls. We have
scientifically proven it to not be worth renting out as a babysitting aid.
Sarah Michelle Gellar is way cooler than Matilda the Hun. I’m a shocking
influence on the language habits of kids. I didn’t go out with Hayden
Lomaro. No way! As if! And Sam Teeth absolutely hated it. Sam Teeth is also
very mean and won’t give any stars to injured cheerleaders.

I think we’ve all learnt something today…