The Fink’s Payload 06.19.08: Gimmicks Galore

There is no question that gimmick matches have their own special place in the annals of professional wrestling history. At first glance, it may seem that these matches frustrate the basic purpose of besting one’s opponent via pinfall by allowing for “distractions” like tables, ladders, and flaming pieces of wood wrapped in barbed-wire. But, when executed correctly by both the back-stage and on-stage crews, gimmick matches can enhance the overall excitement of a wrestling match, a feud, or even an individual entertainer. They are exciting because they present the viewer with a fresh alternate perspective on the traditional wrestling match, and many would argue that they would do best to preserve that status.

As an alternative… a sideshow attraction… a “one night stand” in a place where the rules are just a little bit different… nothing beats a gimmick match to tickle the viewers’ fancy.

But by now, let’s face it… we have all seen ladder matches.
We have seen inferno matches.
We have seen the Cells (of Hell)…
And the Chambers (of Elimination)…
And the… Balls (?!) (of Monsters).

So last week I asked everyone to help me come up with some new gimmick matches because we’re just kind of sick of the old ones. Just like most of the match-type responses that I received, there were no limits to how crazy and innovative these new gimmick matches could be. You want weapons? You got weapons. You want multiple contenders and new ways to win? You can have that too. I tried to break the matches down into certain categories: the matches that prohibit weapons, the matches that require the winner to climb a ladder, and so on and so forth.

The “Don’t Bring Your Own Weapon” Matches
EXAMPLES: 2/3 Falls Match, Iron Man Match.

Ultimate Triple Threat Elimination Match (submitted by Joe Fino)
Competitors: John Cena, Triple H, Randy Orton.
Three wrestlers battle each other but in order to be eliminated, you have to lose THREE different ways. That includes Pinfall, Submission, Count Out, DQ and Knockout. However, a wrestler cannot lose the same way twice. Thus, if you get counted out once, you can’t get counted out again. However, if you get DQ’d once, you can cheat without consequence, while your opponent could simple get DQ’d by retaliating with a weapon or whatever. It creates an element of strategy of whether you will suffer a loss in order to gain a weapon advantage. Depending on the story line, it would probably include a clause making it impossible for interference. As far as submissions and pins go, trying to pin or make your opponent submit twice just wouldn’t count, just like in any other gimmick match.

Rumble Showdown Match (also submitted by Joe)
Competitors: Big Show and Great Khali.
A singles competition gimmick match where you must throw your opponent over the top rope a designated number of times to win. However you could also lose by count-out or DQ. However that can be amended so it would only cost you a point and not the match.

The “Something, Anything at all… on-a-Pole” Matches
EXAMPLES: Singapore-Cane-on-a-Pole Match, Pink-Slip-on-a-Pole Match.

Karen-Angle-on-a-Pole Match (submitted by Jeremy from Palmdale)
Competitors: Kurt Angle and A.J. Styles.
It’s not like she’s never been on a pole before…

“Fender Damage” Battle Royal (also submitted by Jeremy)
This one takes place in the parking lot, and it combines two of TNAs’ favorite things, poles and stuff in reverse. The first superstar to back a car into a pole wins the match.

Loser-Leaves-Town “Tuxedo” Loaded Coal-Miner’s-Glove-on-a-Pole Match inside of a ten-foot, six-sided steel cage (again, from Jeremy)
Competitors: Jay Lethal and Sonjay Dutt.
This may sound far-fetched but it was done in the Mid South Region in 1985 between Ted Dibiase and Jim Duggan (credit to Ted Dibiase’s Book for that one).

The “Put Your Opponent On/In Something, Anything at all…” Matches
EXAMPLES: Casket Match, Ambulance Match, Stretcher Match, Dumpster Match.

Mafia Match (submitted by Jeremy)
They must throw their opponent in the trunk of a car.

Moving Van Match (self-explanatory, submitted by Jeremy)

The “Something, Anything at all… Hanging Above a Ladder” Matches
EXAMPLES: Money in the Bank Match, King of the Mountain Match.

“Isolation” Ladder Match (submitted by Jeremy)
Competitors: Team 3D, James Storm, Robert Roode, Christian Cage, Rhyno.
It would start out as a Three Team match. I imagine this would be for the Number 1 Contenders Spot for the TNA Tag Titles – Team 3D vs. James Storm and Robert Roode vs. Christian and Rhyno. Regular rules until the first fall (Christian pins Robert Roode). Then, Roode would go to the ringside penalty box. Then the ladder match would begin. Roode would remain in the penalty box until somebody was pinned, then they would replace him. This would make it so 1 team would always be at a disadvantage.

“Pandora’s Box” Match (submitted by Dan Torkel)
Competitors: Triple H and Randy Orton.
Before the match the ring area is cleared of weapons and the usual clutter found under the ring. Everything (tables, chairs, barbed wire 2 X 4’s, bats, chains, sledgehammers, etc.) are loaded into 2 huge boxes and each locked with a padlock. The key to these locks is suspended above the ring in an envelope. The match works as a “Stairway to Hell” where the opponents must climb a ladder to grab the envelope and open the boxes. Once the boxes are open the match is a regular street-fight/hardcore match. The only caveat is the match CANNOT end until the key obtained and boxes are open. After that, pins or submissions to end. Have Triple H and Randy Orton compete in this one once Orton returns from injury.

The Mix-N’-Match Gimmick Matches
EXAMPLES: Tables Ladders and Chairs Match, Three Stages of Hell Match.

“Pick Your Poison” Match (submitted by Dan)
Competitors: John Cena and Triple H.
This is a match meant to sell a pay-per-view around, much like an Ironman Match. It combines the elements of a 2/3 falls, with the duration and physical prowess needed for an Ironman. The match is simple to describe: One night, one match, Best of 7. The catch: It starts as a wrestling match where you can win by pinfall, submission, DQ, or count out, but the winner of the fall picks the stipulation for the next fall, and so on until one man wins the 4 needed falls. This would obviously be booked to end a long heated feud. In WWE, Cena is going after Triple H’s WWE Title. Let’s say they wrestle at Night of Champions, have a gimmick match at Great American Bash and cap it off at Summerslam with this match.
1st Fall – Cena beats Triple H by count out after a slingshot over the guardrail into the crowd. 1 – 0.
2nd Fall – (Cena’s choice) Submission Match – Cena defeats Triple H with the STFU. 2 – 0.
3rd Fall – (Cena’s choice) No DQ – Triple H defeats Cena after a Sledgehammer shot to the head. 2 – 1.
4th Fall – (Triple H’s choice) Tables Match – Triple H wins after a Pedigree through the announce table. 2 – 2.
5th Fall – (Triple H’s choice) Falls Count Anywhere – Triple H quickly covers a broken Cena and pins him. 2 – 3.
6th Fall – (Triple H’s choice) First Blood – Cena wins by using his chain to bust open Triple H. 3 – 3.
7th Fall – (Cena’s choice) Cage Match – They are both bleeding at the end and Triple H is able to counter the STFU and the FU to hit one more Pedigree and secure the pin to win 4 – 3 in 45 minutes.

Hell-in-a-Cell Ladder Match (submitted by Chris Keith)
Competitors: A.J. Styles and Edge.
Well a while back, around 2003 or 4, I created a story around a game I was playing where in Shane McMahon had had enough of how his dad was running the company and broke out on his own creating Next Generation Wrestling. For the story I was writing out as I played the game I came up with a Hell in a Cell Ladder Match between AJ Styles and Edge. From the Start of the Company AJ and Edge had had issues, and during the first PPV Edge broke his hand in a ladder match for the NGW Jr. Title Match. As Edge was coming back from his injury he challenged AJ to the first ever Hell-In-A-Cell Ladder match, but the ladder would not be in the cell, rather on top of it. The two fought in, out, and around the cell for a good ten minutes before they decided to go for the gold. On the cell the fight continued with both men nearly going over several times. Finally AJ managed to take down and Edge and handcuff him to the edge of the cell before rolling him off and go for the gold to retain his title.

eXtreme Warfare Elimination Match (submitted by Joe)
Competitors: Edge, Chavo, Bam Neely, Curt Hawkins, Zac Ryder, Batista, Rey Mysterio, CM Punk, Undertaker, Kane (Survivor Series 2008).
This would be a Hell in the Cell type cage match mixed with the War-Games/Lethal Lockdown style timed entrances. 5 Minutes start with two competitors while others come in 2 minute intervals. However, pinfalls can happen at any time. The winning team would have to completely eliminate the opposing team by pinfall, submission or knockout. Weapons will be available throughout the match, however hang from the top of the cage and only can be obtained by ladders which are under the ring. So, Most likely ladders would be under the ring, while a baseball bat, Tables, chairs, barbed wire board, trash cans, kendo sticks and guitar (among other weapons) will be hanging from the top. This will only be used to settle stable blood feuds, and does not have to be a yearly event, since it will probably be pretty gruesome. I would prefer 5v5 format for this, however between 3v3 or even 6v6 or higher could work.

The “Something, Anything at all… Completely Different” Matches

The “Russo Special” (submitted by Stephen Straka)
Competitors: Random X-Division Guys.
I know you’re going to get a bazillion entries making fun of Russo/TNA but I’ve already come up with my own. The Six-Sided Ring is surrounded by a steel cage that has a roof on it. The cage and roof are wrapped in barbed wire and possibly Christmas lights. There is an X-shaped scaffold over the cage. All six competitors (random X-division guys… they seem to be a magnet for gimmick matches lately) start surrounding the cage. They must climb up the cage and get onto the scaffold. When one person is on the scaffold, everyone else must climb down, the roof of the cage is removed and the scaffold is lowered. The cage door is opened when the scaffold has been lowered completely. Inside the ring are six boxes, on poles. The competitors must grab the boxes, put them on stretchers and run off with them. Competitors can get more than one box but only if they’re eligible to get a box. To become eligible, the competitors must pin or submit an opponent with the opponent who is pinned or submitted spending two minutes in a penalty box. Because no one watches PPVs anymore, the contents of the boxes will be revealed next week on Impact!

“Escape the Arena” Lumberjack Match (submitted by Joe)
Competitors: A.J. Styles and James Storm.
A one-on-one lumberjack match. The only way to win is to escape the arena. However, if you pin your opponent or make him/her submit, it will give you 10 seconds head start on the lumberjacks (they will be designated to the ring-side area for that time period). The competitors would most likely be brought into the arena right before the match blindfolded, in order for them to be unaware of the arena layout. The lumberjacks however will be able to get prior knowledge if the arena if they wish. There is no DQ or count-out obviously.

WHAT DO I THINK?

I know that I said this in an earlier column, but I think it would be great if Jeff Hardy were drafted to ECW in the draft next Monday night. Then he can feud with Kane over the ECW World Championship and the two can meet each other in an Inferno Ladder match at either Great American Bash or Summerslam. Seriously, that match would have such an amazing visual aspect to it. If the top rope is set on fire, they can still slide under it to retrieve the ladder. And when Kane shoves the ladder over and Jeff Hardy goes flying out of the ring just above the flames, the WWE will have a video clip to be shown for years to come. They did it with Edge, Foley, and a flaming table… can they do it again with Jeff, Kane, and a flaming ladder? I would love to see it happen.

Jesse and Festus have good solid characters that make feel like they need a signature gimmick match. Much like how the Goodwins had the infamous “Hog Pen” match, J&F could introduce us to the “Outhouse” match. Simple rules: you have to cram both of your opponents into separate outhouses which are placed side-by-side in the ringside or rampside area. It’s like a vertical version of the Undertaker’s casket… plus the assumption of feces, I suppose.

I like the idea of multiple men competing in a match for a title shot. That’s what adds most of the drama to the Money in the Bank match and it certainly didn’t hurt this year’s No Way Out Elimination Chamber matches. But, because I saw some of this week’s entries and thought it might be fun to get all Russo on this mother and come up with a crazy scheme… here’s my best shot:

Let’s say we’re dealing with RAW after Night of Champions. We have Triple H and John Cena who just fought to a no-contest at Night of Champions, putting the title “in the air” so to speak. The Game is still the champion, but we also have new main-eventers CM Punk, Batista, and M.V.P. fresh from the draft. We still have Shawn Michaels, Umaga, and Mr. Kennedy as credible main-eventers as well. So, how do we settle the crowded championship scene?

Vince McMahon announces that he is creating a new event to be held at the Great American Bash. He is calling it the “Battle at the Bash” and it will feature eight competitors. He says that the eight men mentioned above will be featured in FOUR different matches over the course of the event. The rules are as such:

1. The eight competitors will be organized into tag-teams.
1(a). Team Selection: The teams will be “randomly” created by pulling ping-pong balls out of one of those lottery-style rotating basket things. That’s totally my favorite way of simulating “randomness” – much better than the stupid computerized selection thing from last year’s draft.

2. There will be two “preliminary” tag-team competitions.
2(a). Match Selection: The first and second superstars pulled from the ping-pong basket will face the third and fourth superstars; five/six will face seven/eight, accordingly.
2(b). Match Outcome: The four members of the winning tag teams will advance to the next round, an every-man-for-himself contest. The four members of the losing tag teams will be eliminated from the Battle at the Bash.
2(c). Tag-Team Match Rules: The tag-team matches will be held under regular rules. A disqualification or count-out by one member of a team will result in both members of that team being eliminated from the Battle at the Bash.

3. There will be a two-fall “qualifying” four-man singles competition.
3(a). First Fall: All four men will begin the match together with ladders of various sizes surrounding the ring. Above them hangs a golden ring which acts as a “title shot” for the purpose of this match. The fall will be held under “ladder match’ rules and the first man to climb the ladder and retrieve the ring will do three things: (1) win the first fall; (2) secure for himself one of two spots in the main-event competition to be held immediately after the second fall; and (3) put a huge target on his back (see below).
3(b). Second Fall: After the golden ring is retrieved, the first fall ends and the second fall begins immediately. All four men are included in this contest, including the man who just won the first fall. The second fall will be held under “street fight” rules and any of the remaining three men can secure the second spot in the main-event by being the first to score a pin fall or submission on one of the other three men. The winner of the first fall, however, can decisively win the WWE Championship by scoring a pin fall or submission on one of the non-winners.
3(c). Match Outcome: The winner of the four-way ladder match and the winner of the four-way street fight match will progress on to the main-event, to be held five minutes after the end of the street fight. The men who did not win either of these matches will be eliminated from the Battle at the Bash.

4. There will be a one-on-one “Falls Count Anywhere” competition in the main-event.
4(a). Championship Provision: Because Triple H and John Cena couldn’t figure it out amongst themselves, now everybody gets a shot at the belt. The winner of this match will be the new WWE Champion. If Triple H doesn’t make it this far, he will be forced to forfeit the title to the winner of this match the following night on Raw. But, really, who in their right mind actually thinks he won’t at least make it to the final match?
4(b). Cancelled Due to Unnecessary: As mentioned above, if the same guy wins the ladder match and the street fight, he will capture the WWE Championship without the need for a final contest.

It’s certainly convoluted enough. But does it accomplish the purpose of crowning a deserving WWE Champion? If I had to book it, here’s what I would do:

RANDOM TEAMS: Batista and CM Punk, John Cena and Mr. Kennedy, M.V.P. and Umaga, and Triple H and Shawn Michaels (surprise!).

TAG-TEAM MATCHES: Triple H and Shawn Michaels over Batista and CM Punk (chin music/pedigree on Batista), John Cena and Mr. Kennedy over M.V.P. and Umaga (FU to Umaga).

LADDER MATCH: HBK wins (after tossing Kennedy off the ladder and through a table or something).

STREET FIGHT: HHH wins (after HBK comes out of nowhere to help his ‘friend’ and lands sweet chin music on Cena, then collapses from exhaustion as HHH pins Cena).

MAIN EVENT: HHH goes fully heel by destroying his weakened ‘friend’ and, despite some miraculous comebacks to keep the crowd firmly believing that HBK can pull it off, wins the championship after about ten minutes to quiet the many contenders to his throne. He goes on to face Cena at Summerslam, since HHH “couldn’t do it alone” and now he doesn’t have HBK at his side. I think it would be okay to let Cena have the belt at SS, since he’s made such an epic journey back from injury, but I’m not going that far with it.

Well, that was certainly exciting. Nothing like blood and guts and people… climbing… really… slowly… to get my heart pumping. For next week, I want y’all to think about something that is more than exciting. This… this is ELECTRIFYING.

Next week’s homework… Due on Tuesday, June 24 @ 11 PM EST.
In recognition of his career- spanning 3-disc DVD-set and his new comedy, Get Smart, we are going to take a look at the Most Electrifying Man in Sports Entertainment, The Rock! If you could choose how and when the People’s Champion returned to the WWE, how would you like to see it happen? Regardless of whether you think he should participate in “one more match” or even return to a full-time schedule, let me know what you think could be on the horizon for the Brahma Bull if he ditched Hollywood and came back to his family business. Face or heel? Smiling fan-favorite or cocky asshole? You decide!

Hit me with your thoughts, ideas, dreams, and fantasies at [email protected]!