The Fink’s Payload 07.17.08: The Undertaker and Kane

I know what you’re thinking!

You’re itching to know who Kane was talking about, right? You thought he had his inner demons all figured out. But then he went and beat up some announcers and left you wondering…

You’ve been dying to hear about when the Undertaker is returning, right? You thought he would reign supreme over Smackdown (probably as its champion) for at least another year before retiring. But then he went and lost to Edge and got banished and left you wondering…

Well, we’re going to put an end to your wondering. I’m Andrew Clark, I’ve got a sunburn, and this is the Fink’s Payload.

Opinion #1: Stephen Straka
“Fred Durst Loves It”
Very short and simple entry from me this week. At Survivor Series, Edge defeats Triple H in a Loser Leaves SmackDown street fight for the WWE Championship. The Thursday after La Familia are in the ring gloating about it when Josh Matthews comes out.

Josh: “Forgive me for interrupting, Vickie but there’s a former big-name superstar in the back who wants to return to Friday Night SmackDown.”
Edge: (sarcastically)”Is it Triple H?”
Vickie: “Is it the Undertaker?” *crowd pop*
Josh: “No, it’s not Triple H and it’s not the Undertaker.”
Vickie: “Well what’s his name then?”
Josh: “His name…is Mark Callaway.”

KEEP ROLLIN’ ROLLIN’ ROLLIN’ ROLLIN’…

What Do I Think?: I have to say, this is not what I expected. But it makes sense in weird kind of way. When Triple H “retired” Cactus Jack, he returned a few months later as Mick Foley; when Edge “banished” Undertaker, he returned a few months later as Mark Calloway. You did your job and piqued my interest, that’s for sure. Will Calloway still use the chokeslam/tombstone/last ride, just removed of their Phenom mystique? Will the character of Calloway work when it is removed of its dramatic elements? Personally, I don’t like the idea for the same reason I didn’t like the American Badass a few years ago – I’m resistant to change. I like my Phenom with thunderbolts and magic and that’s that.

Opinion #2: Billy Broderson
“Dead or Alive”
It is RAW on Monday July 14th. Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are recapping what happened last week with Kane. When all of a sudden (boom, Hell, Fire and Brimstone) and Kane is making his way to the ring. He has this evil look in his eyes (i.e 2003). He gets on the mic talking gibberish and everyone looks on confused and he ends with finding out if “he” is dead or alive. In the back, vignettes are shown with Kane screaming at production crew trying to find out what is going on. The show ends with Kane talked to someone on the phone, saying that I have not found out yet, but that he will.

It is now Friday July 18th and we are on Smackdown. Kane comes out again with his same gibberish and says he needs to find out tonight if “he” is alive or dead, and still no one knows what he is talking about, when JR tries to get in the ring and ask him, Kane goes to chokeslam him, and Mick Foley comes in with the save only to be chokeslammed for his trouble. Kane is in the backstage area still asking people if he is dead or alive. Still there is no answer.

We come to RAW on Monday the 21st and we still have no developments regarding if “he” is dead or alive. During a tag team match, Kane comes down and destroys everyone in the match grabs the mic, and starts to talk about the “he” that he wants to know is dead or alive. When all of a sudden his mic cuts off and he looks confused, when the lights go black and you hear the infamous gong of the Undertaker. However, Kane does not looked scared but has that evil laugh. The show ends and we are all left wondering just what is going on.

It is now RAW on the 28th of July and we are told that tonight we will find out the answer. Kane comes out and starts talking about finding out the answer as to who is dead or alive. When he starts talking, the lights go black and Undertaker comes out and stands in the middle of the ring with Kane looking like a fight is going to break out, when they embrace and hug. Undertaker who is finally turning heel says that the stage malfunction was the product of the brothers of destruction and demands to know if McMahon is dead. He is very dark in his interview and he ends with saying, I would hate to see the destruction the brothers could do if we do not find out.

The next week on RAW, August 4th. Shane Mcmahon comes out saying he has some words for Kane and Undertaker. While he is speaking they both come out and begin to attack Shane, when Triple H comes down and makes the save and goes on to say that everyone knows that he is part of the McMahon family and that no one will hurt his father in law or brother in law.

This goes all the way to Summerslam, with a match between Shane/Triple H vs. Kane/Undertaker, with all the McMahons present except for Vince. Stephanie and Linda are at ringside watching. We are coming to end of the match when Vince comes out to a loud ovation and jumps in the ring. He then proceeds to low blow Triple H and knock out his son Shane. Everyone is stunned and has no idea what just happened. He gets on the mic, to say that he hired Kane and Undertaker to make up an accident. He wanted to see Shane and Triple H come to his rescue and he says make sure that they were destroyed because no one would take over the McMahon legacy except for his baby girl Stephanie and his wife Linda, and the two other men and his family do not have the “cajones” to take over this empire. Stephanie gets in Triple H’s face and says we are done and spits on him. We are left with Triple H and Shane in the ring, double-crossed by their family and destroyed by the Brothers of Destruction.

The next night on Raw, we see a formation of the corporate ministry with Vince, Kane, Undertaker, Linda, and Stephanie. It is like old days, when Triple H and Shane come out and start to talk about how sick they all make them and how they will put an end to this reign and make sure that Vince surely is dead after this.

What Do I Think?: I started watching wrestling when the Corporate Ministry storyline was going on and I felt like that’s where this was headed the entire time. The question here is: can the Undertaker turn heel in 2008? Maybe if he’s stuck in the middle of yet another McMahon-centric storyline, he can. Thanks for answering both questions in your answer – the “who is Kane talking about?” answer is predictable, but the “how will ‘Taker return?” answer was shocking. Way to mix it up!

Opinion #3: Cris Carter
“The Badass is Back”
Week 1: The week after The Great American Bash Triple H is in the ring talking about how he beat the regime of La Famila and he wants a new challenger. MVP comes out to accept the challenge and a match happens later that night, Triple H defeats him with a pedigree, then Undertakers gong sounds and a message flashes on the screen that says ‘He will return next week’.

Week 2: Triple H is out to start the show he wants to know what the message was last week, he demands for whoever was behind it to come out now, instead Shelton Benjamin wants a title shot tonight. Later that night Triple H defeats Shelton in a great back and forth match with a Pedigree, after the match the gong sounds again twice, then Rollin’ by Limp Bizkit plays and after a short wait The Undertaker rides out on his motorbike, he points to Triple H and motions for the title.

Week 3: The Undertaker is out now, he explains that when he was banished he got fired from his contract, until a good friend of his got him a new contract. He also says he is a 43 year old man who was pretending he had powers, he says that now he is back he wants to get his title back, Triple H comes out on the entrance ramp, he accepts Undertakers challenge for a match at Summerslam, and it is for the title. Vickie Guerrero says that they can’t decide what superstars get to challenge for the title, but she is a fair GM, if Undertaker can beat Umaga later tonight he can be part of a Triple Threat match that will also involve Edge. Later that night Triple H teams with Carlito and Jeff Hardy to defeat Hawkins and Ryder, Edge beats DH Smith, and Undertaker beats Umaga in a decent brawl.

Week 4: ‘Taker says that he is in the Triple Threat, but tonight he wants a match with Edge, Vickie Guerrero says that they can’t meet one on one because it would ruin the title match, instead there will be a preview, Undertaker and Triple H Vs Edge, Hawkins, Ryder and Chavo. Undertaker & Triple H win, then they brawl to end the show with Undertaker winning and standing tall to end the show.

Summerslam: The Undertaker beats Edge and Triple H in a match that involved some interference from La Famila as well as some Weapons because anything goes in Triple Threat matches. In the end Undertaker and Triple H take out Edge and La Famila, Undertaker goes for the last ride, Triple H counters but Undertaker counters again into the Gogoplata for the win.

After Summerslam Undertaker can have feuds with guys like MVP, Mr Kennedy, Umaga and Jeff Hardy before retiring at Wrestlemania 25 in a winning match. After Mania the title would be put up in a tournament ending at Backlash or Judgement Day with the winner being the still undefeated Vladamir Koslov.

What Do I Think?: Ha! That last line made me laugh. You did a few good things here and few things that didn’t strike my fancy. Undertaker vs. Edge vs. Triple H is about as star-studded a triple threat match that you’re going to get these days. But biker Undertaker? Eh… I’m not on board. Even Coca-Cola knows the classic is where its at. I’d like to see this feud turn into a Triple H vs. Undertaker feud over the title, maybe ending at Survivor Series? That would be nice.

Opinion #4: lwcmvp
“Journey Back Into the Darkness”
Kane could have been talking about a number of people. Vince McMahon, Paul Bearer, the Undertaker, Corporal Kirschner (they did announce his death a year ago on WWE.com, and I don’t believe he’s dead). Basically any retired wrestler over the age of 40.

On the July 14th Raw, Jerry Lawler is replaced by another face superstar at the announce table (for the purpose of this, I will go with Val Venis), while Lawler is recuperating from the beating Kane gave him. On that night, Kane interferes in a one on one match between Kofi Kingston and Paul Burchill. He destroys both of them and then goes back to his “Is he alive or dead” tirade and begins to attack Val Venis. Jamie Noble (because of the encounter from a few weeks ago) comes out to save Val and gets the attention of Kane. He is able to escape the chase of Kane, which leads to Kane leaving the building.

The next week on RAW, which still has no Jerry Lawler. Jamie Noble has a one on one match with the monster. Kane wins quickly and begins the interrogation again. He tortures Noble with the chair, stabbing him in the gut with it. The ref reverses the decision. Kane ignores this until Lilian announces Jamie Noble as the winner of the match. He chases her out of the arena.

The next week on RAW, which once again has no Jerry Lawler. Kane continues his stalking of Lilian, he comes through the crowd when she is in the ring announcing something. He chases outside the ring, where she falls and grabs a chair about to stab her in the stomach with it. Jamie Noble luckily comes to her rescue and hits a baseball slide to the back of Kane which causes him to fall throat first onto the chair (like what the Undertaker did to the Hardyz a few years ago) and leaves him bleeding out of his mouth. Kane then turns and goes after Noble. He catches him at the top of the ramp and proceeds to beat the living hell out of Noble. He throws him like a dart into the video wall. Powerbombs him on the stage. He then goozles him and prepares to chokeslam Noble off the stage. All of a sudden from behind, Jerry Lawler, making his return to RAW, nails Kane from behind with a chair. Kane begins to go after Lawler. Lawler though has a plan, his old standby of a fireball (which I don’t think he has ever used in the WWE). This staggers Kane and gives Lawler time to hit the monster with the chair. Kane falls of the stage and has to be taken to a “medical facility”.

This is the last time Kane is seen or mentioned for months.

Fast Forward to the last Smackdown of October (just happens to be Halloween): It’s a Battle Royal to decide the Number One contender for the WWE Championship. All of a sudden, the lights go out. The fans think it is the Undertaker, who still has not returned.

Instead of a Gong, the sound that comes over the loud speakers is the easily recognizable “IS HE ALIVE OR DEAD?” On the titantron it shows the words “He’s Alive”. Then the Kane pyro and the original Kane theme (with the organ music). Out comes the big red machine with his original costume and a mask covering up the “burns” (could be the original style or a different style with the same design if he is still bald). Kane comes out and eliminates everyone from the ring is very short order. After everyone is gone. The corner pyro goes off and he is announced the winner of the match and number one contender. He faces Triple H at Survivor Series and wins the WWE title.

Because of the accident with the chair that “crushed his larynx” he cannot speak, so he has a manager. Either Armando Estrada, Matt Striker or the dark horse, James Mitchell (who just recently left TNA, so it’s a possibility). He dominates challengers for months up until the Royal Rumble. He is going into WrestleMania the champion.

At the Royal Rumble (or in early February) The Undertaker returns with Paul Bearer and leads to Kane vs. The Undertaker for the WWE Title at WrestleMania, with Taker once again going over.

Explanations: Who was Kane asking about? Kane. Over the past few weeks, he has been beaten by Mark Henry twice, and Batista. He has looked like a fool and it finally got to him and he was wondering if the monster inside him was dead. The reason the Undertaker does not return sooner is that if he returns too soon, it will look like a “permanent banishment” is only 2 or 3 months. If he is gone for 7 or 8 months, that will actually seem serious.

What Do I Think?: Clever! I chose this one to go on last because I liked the creativity involved. Kane was asking about Kane? ‘Taker’s banishment lasts until the Rumble where he returns to defeat his brother for the third time at Wrestlemania? Beautiful. To me, a return to the classic Kane is a good idea. He’s become so stale as the “monster” that happens to be a lot smaller than most of the others (Mark Henry, Big Show, Great Khali and Big Daddy V come to mind) that returning him to the aura of fire and brimstone – as well as the signature mask – could provide a much-needed jolt to the character. Plus, I hear he’s getting up there in age… what’s wrong with Kane going out like he came in? It makes perfect sense and gives a sense of circularity to the decade of destruction that he has brought to the WWE.

Who is He?

I like the Kane heel turn because I think it gives him a reason to remain in the WWE. Admit it, you thought good guy Kane was boring. So let’s say that he continues this rampage of questioning until Paul Bearer shows up at the RAW after Great American Bash. He reveals that he isn’t dead and he offers to take his “son” under his wing once more, to clear things up in the Big Red Machine’s head, because Kane has been so lost and confused these past few weeks.

What’s in the bag he was carrying last week, you ask? It’s his old mask, obviously.

The next week, evil Paul and the newly-remasked Kane come to the ring together and Paul cuts a devilish promo. He announces that he has Kane firmly under control now and to prove this fact he demands a title shot at Summerslam. World Champion CM Punk answers the challenge, claiming that Kane has… changed… since their days together in ECW not-so-long ago. Where’s the Kane that would do the right thing? Where’s the Kane that tipped the balance in the good guys’ favor? He has been replaced with the silent puppet of a madman. Punk accepts the challenge but when he picks a fight a few minutes afterwards he receives a chokeslam for his efforts.

Remasked Kane demolishes some lower-level faces with Paul Bearer at his side over the next few weeks. Going into the Kane vs. Punk match for the World Championship at Summerslam, the straightedge superstar is once again the huge underdog because fire and brimstone are so big and strong and all. I think CM Punk will retain the championship, but Kane might deserve a rematch at Unforgiven – maybe in an inferno match? I’m not sure if the new heel Kane will ever take the belt but he at least deserves a run in the main event which can also establish Punk as a credible champion.

The Fink Gets it Right!
According to the Smackdown spoilers for this week, one of our loyal readers seems to possess precognitive abilities to go along with his admirable taste in online wrestling reading material. I don’t want to ruin anything for the people who hate spoilers but I’m sending out an All Fink Alert to notify y’all to watch the show on Friday and wait for a sense of déjà vu to come over you.

By the end of the show I’m sure you’ll be thinking to yourself – “How did I know that was going to happen?!” Because you read this column, that’s how! I’m offering twenty Fink Points (not redeemable for cash or prizes, but I’ll be damned if the chicks don’t swoon for ‘em) to the first reader who emails me or posts a comment regarding the Smackdown plot detail that was literally ripped right from a previous edition of the Fink’s Payload. Trust me… it’ll be cool.

Next week’s homework… due Tuesday, July 22 at 11 PM EST
I want you to think about the future and the progression of WWE storylines until Summerslam. It’s right around the corner! So go ahead and plan the card for the Biggest Party of the Summer and tell me a little bit about why you booked the matches that you did. You can pick the winners or I’ll pick them for you. It’s the WWE’s second-biggest pay-per-view of the year, so make this one count!

Remember to send email to [email protected]! Does anybody have any aloe?