wrestling / Video Reviews
The Island of Misfit Shows: The Heroes of Wrestling
– I deserve what I get. I’ve read the reviews, I’ve seen the clips, and heard the interviews. I still didn’t believe that this was that bad of a show. In a world with King of the Ring ’95, Great American Bash ’91 and ’99, Wrestlemania XV, and every 2-bit Indy Promotion with a PPV deal, it couldn’t be possible for this show to be as bad as everyone says. Oh how wrong I was. So very, very, wrong. I don’t know how I’m going to do it, but I’ll try my best to review this show without any attempts of suicide… again.
– Live from Bay St. Louis, Mississippi at some shitty casino that needs to be burned to the ground by wrestling fans with real taste. Commentary is being done by Randy Rosenbloom (who!?) and “Dirty” Dutch Mantel. This is an unpresidented achievement, as the commentary is so awful that I’m not even going to listen to it. Instead, I’ll listen to the classic crooning CD “D-12 World.” When Dutch Mantel is carrying the PBP (and he’s quite bad himself), you’ve got a problem.
– “Rocker” Marty Jannetty & “Fantastic” Tommy Rogers vs. The Samoan Swat Team:
I’ll ignore the horrible ring announcer who has one of the lamest catch phrases of all time. It’s so bad, I won’t subject anyone reading this to it, and am taking one (or in the shows case, a million) for the team. The SST are Samu and “Fatu”, although it looks like Tama to me, and Tama is really, really fat. Think 1993 Yokozuna, and that’s what you got. Samu doesn’t even have traditional ring attire. Just some crappy pants. Jannetty also doesn’t have real ring attire, and opts to wear a pair of blue denim shorts with his knee pads and boots. Tommy Rogers and Jannetty both look to be in shape and have talent, but I don’t dare say this dog will be any good. Jannetty and Samu start the match. We get the traditional posing where the fans boo the heel and cheer the face. Shocking. Jannetty dances before the lockup, and Samu shoves him into the corner. Lockup #2 with the same result, and the force of it overturns the little sign thing like on boxing promoting the casino (Casino Magic 1-00-5-MAGIC-5 for those who love doing crank calls).Too many shots of ugly fans. Lockup into the corner, and Samu hammers away. Jannetty fights back and takes him over with an arm drag followed by a dropkick. Another arm drag, and Samu runs. Tama in, and Jannetty dropkicks him out, and Rogers comes in to celebrate. Yep, this is Tama, I can tell because Fatu has that scar running down the middle of his stomach. Back inside with Jannetty/Samu still. Lockup into the heels corner, but Samu accidentally hits Tama. Arm drag into an armbar by Jannetty. Rogers tags in and we get the Rockers old double wristlock/chop combo. Tama’s ass and Tama come in for the first time (legally). Tama gets on his knees for a handshake and causes a small earthquake. Rogers blocks a kick and goes low on Tama. Ram into Jannetty’s boot, and they double clothesline him down. Snapmare into a reverse chinlock from Jannetty. Tama fights free with elbows, but Jannetty comes off the ropes with a cross body press for a two count. Tama rolls outside for some stalling. The SST have Sika with them, which goes unnoticed from everyone. Tama works over Jannetty with chops, then Samu with an illegal kick to the back. Same with a headbutt to the genitals, but the referee doesn’t see it. Samu back in with a headbutt and chops. Irish whip to the corner, and Jannetty sells it like he’s been ejected from a crashed car. Tama chokes Jannetty behind the referee’s back, who is coincidentally arguing with Tommy Rogers. Tama with a steel chair shot, and from what I remember, Rosenburger says something really lame about that. Calls it unethical or some lame shit. Jannetty looks to be smiling and beats on Samu outside until he gets whipped into the imitation-steel post. Back inside the punishment continues… for me and Jannetty. Tama misses a second rope splash thingy (think Vader’s finisher), and in comes Rogers with the mild tag! Irish whip and dropkick to Tama. Irish whip and Powerslam to Samu. Reverse crescent kick to Tama, but a double headbutt doesn’t work (of course). Irish whip, and a double DDT also doesn’t work. It’s wild bonzo shit. Double dropkick from the Fantastic Rockers. Jannetty with a plancha on Tama! Inside though, Samu kills Rogers with a TKO for the pinfall at 9:59. Wow, that was painful. 3/4* Jannetty tried (considering he worked 90% of the match), but SST pulled out all of the lame heel shit in the book, and it just didn’t work. The time is probably off, but I’m only removing the mute for as little as possible, and I’m not going back to be more accurate.
– George “The Animal” Steele (w/ Sensuous Sherri) vs. Greg “The Hammer” Valentine:
A really horrible “angle” is aired before the match, where apparently Steele and Sherri hooked up. Who the fuck needs this kind of shit on a 1 time only PPV? At least Sherri is kind of attractive looking, for Sherri that is. I don’t know who looks older, because both Hammer and the Animal look like they should be in an old folks home playing checkers. Valentine then cuts a promo in the ring saying he’s continuing an on-going feud between George Steele and his father (Johnny Valentine). Valentine chases Sherri into the ring as the match starts. Steele wants to eat some turnbuckle, but the referee tells him no. Steele tries taking his shirt off, but Valentine pearl harbors him (or maybe considering their ages, Benedict Arnold’s him) in the corner and stomps a geriatric mudhole in him. Sherri then manages to turn heel in record time (for her at least) and chokes Steele while he’s still blinded by his shirt. Valentine with some choking, and Sherri changes it up with a screaming face rake. Steele is mad now, and Valentine begs him off. Steele uses a foreign weapon (unless it’s Canadian), which looks like a spoon with tape around it. He gives it to Sherri to hide… and she in record time turns heel twice by giving said weapon to Valentine. Hammer beats on Steele with it, then hides it in his trunks. We get an unnecessary shot of his butt, with flab hanging all over the place. Steele comes back with a punch and rams Hammer into the turnbuckle. Valentine heads outside to stall. Sherri has a chat with Dirty Dutch in the meantime. The referee, Blind Dumbass Retard, sees the weapon for about a minute straight but does nothing. This match is painful on mute, I can’t imagine the horror with volume. Anyway, Sherri turns heel (AGAIN) and bops Steele with a chair (in front of the referee), and Valentine covers for the win at 6:35. -*1/2 Horrible, painful, and just fucking bad match with a fucking horrible flow (i.e. none). I would go worse, but sadly, this isn’t the Worst Match of the Night ™. Steele eats a turnbuckle for his troubles.
– Too Cold Scorpio vs. Julio Fantastico:
For a show called “Heroes of Wrestling”, Julio is neither a Hero or a … oh fuck it, I’m too tired to come up with original jokes. Still an odd choice for this show, considering both men combined are younger than either George Steele or Greg Valentine. Flash Funk vs. Julio Dinero sure will turn the tide, don’t you think? I think this PPV holds the record for most people fighting demons (Scorpio). All they needed was Scott Hall and Tammy Sytch to make it an All-Star night. Capt. Lou Albano joins commentary. Lockup into the corner, and 2CS with a clean (dancing) break. Scorpio with a waistlock, but that’s countered. Both men counter wristlocks, and Scorpio rolls through it into his own again. Julio does the Owen reversal and goes to a hammerlock. Scorpio with another counter, and Julio turns that around with a snapmare. Sloppy dropkick and arm drag by Julio, but Scorpio goes to the hammerlock. Another reversal, and now Scorpio does a well stalled flip over to counter. Scorpio with a dropkick and arm drag into an armbar. Snapmare doesn’t work for Scorpio, so Julio dances to celebrate. Julio with a side headlock and shoulder block, then more dancing. It’s around this time Albano says the infamous 15 seconds of rambling featured on the WrestleCrap induction. Scorpio with a side headlock, and he too does the shoulder block. Spinning heel kick misses, but Scorpio nails the dropkick. Another attempt at the heel kick works, sending Julio outside, and he follows out with a plancha (horrible camera angle). Back into the ring we go (looks at the clock again). Chops by Scorpio. He gets back dropped onto the apron, and Julio dropkicks him off (Jericho spot) then fucks up a somersault spot… and then takes forever to do another plancha. Wow… that looked horrible. Scorpio gets whipped into the security rail, but he back drops Julio into the crowd, hitting a little kid in the process. WAY TO GO GUYS! HIT THE FANS! They do stuff, I don’t care, they come back to the ring, I still don’t care. Seriously, the camera doesn’t spot them for a good 30-40 seconds. Please stop the pain… speaking of pain, Julio goes low. Modified T-Bone suplex by Julio for a two count. Twirling elbow drop gets another two count. Dropkick barely hits, but Scorpio sells anyway. Scorpio gets clotheslined to the outside, and I’m dreading a bad spot… Julio misses a baseball slide, then Scorpio does, then decides to trip Julio up. Slingshot splash by Scorpio for a two count. Scoop slam from 2CS, and he calls for something. He goes to the second turnbuckle, but somehow gets crotched (without getting crotched). Julio bulldogs him off for a two count. Reverse chinlock by Fantasico (Thank God). Irish whip, and Scorpio kills him dead with a running enziguri. Scoop slam, and Scorpio ends this mess with a somersault leg drop and Corkscrew leg drop that misses by 20 feet at 9:37. *1/4 At least it was watchable, but this match was so sloppy it would make Jeff Hardy and Rob Van Dam blush in embarrassment. Thank God everyone else decided to do horrible wrestling instead of a horrible spot fest.
– The Bushwhackers vs. Nikolai Volkoff & The Iron Sheik:
Oh Sweet Jesus… The Iron Sheik looks like he’s about to give birth, or just gave birth to a litter. Thank God WWE put a full singlet on him at Wrestlemania X-Seven, because he looks disgusting here with less on. Volkoff looks like his old ‘self… literally. He looks like he’s 125 years old here, and this was in 1999! Imagine how old he looks now! (watches Raw) Oh wait… Yeah. The Bushfuckers look like their regular selves, except they are “The Former” Bushwackers, like that actually works. This show is so bad, I bet WWF sent them a letter to say they can use whatever names they want, just don’t put on another show. Volkoff sings the national anthem and Sheik does his persian club things, except he looks to be using t-ball stands instead of actual weights. Yeah, that’s impressive. Volk/Sheik have some chump wearing a 1940’s style USSR uniform and a horrible “Russian” accent that sounds like Jim Duggan with marbles in his mouth. I feel like taking another shower, and the match hasn’t started yet. Butch’s bald spot looks to have gotten bigger after some fans rub his head… that’s odd. Heels pearl harbor the Sheepwhackers and do very light work on them. Luke gets dumped out weakly by the Sheik as Volkoff chomps on Butch. Irish whip, and the Bushwackers with a double clothesline to both men. Please end this match, please! The heels stall to my enjoyment, saving me time to cry instead of commenting. Back inside, Volkoff works over Luke with choking. Irish whip, and Volkoff boots him in the gut, then stomps away, barely making contact on them. The “Action” goes into the corner, and Luke sells a lot (for Luke, that is). Heels stomp away. This is so sad. It’s like watching a couple of 100 year old men working over a 95 year old man. The action is so slow that you could probably sing the entire “Estranged” song by GnR in between each move. If you haven’t noticed, I just gave up on the match and am resorting to horrible jokes and laughing at this. Sheik loads his boot once and kicks Luke in the face. Luke is still moving, because it wasn’t a triple stomp to load the boot. Luke takes a hard bump into the corner, probably the bump of the night for the 60 and Over Group. Weak back breaker from Volkoff (I think Rosenslolem called it a BEARHUG). Sheik with a pathetic camel clutch applied to Luke. Butch gets the cold tag and works over both heels. Butch and Volkoff dance for 15 seconds trying to plan a spot, then we get a double collision. Jesus, this is horrible. Heel miscommunication (a Volkoff foreign object, probably the same from earlier) allows Butch to pin Sheik at 8:44. -*** I don’t know what to say. This made Steele/Valentine look like Bret/Owen from WrestleMania X. Just painful. The referee appeared to have given the gesture of “up yours” after making the three count.
– Tully Blanchard vs. “Sweet” Stan Lane:
Considering how active both men had been for the better part of a decade, they both look to be in decent shape, although a bit flabby here and there (more so Tully than Lane). A setup before the show had Lane attack Blanchard and stuff him into the trunk of a car. Blanchard rushes the ring (as fast as he can), so Lane runs. Lane is playing the heel, but the crowd still doesn’t like Blanchard. That’s understandable, since he’s most known for his Horsemen run and teaming with Arn Anderson in the WWF. Lane elbows Blanchard and takes him down with a nice follow through clothesline. Reverse crescent kick by Lane, so Blanchard boots him and elbows Lane in the back of the head. Irish whip, and Blanchard with an arm drag followed by a dropkick. Blanchard follows Lane outside where they trade blows. Lane atomic drops Blanchard into the imitation-steel post, then chokes him with a camera wire or something. Lane with a sledge off the apron across the forehead of Blanchard. Lane with a swinging neck breaker for a two count. Irish whip, and Blanchard comes back with a knee to the midsection and a big right. Lane comes back with a double thrust to the throat. Gotta love the old Stan Lane karate. Cobra clutch type maneuver applied by Sweet Stan. Blanchard rakes the eyes to escape. Lane drops Blanchard throat first across the top rope then chokes him across the middle. Running splash across the back of Blanchard and we get too many shots of people looking bored in the crowd. Side Russian leg sweep by Lane and we show an ugly fatty. That gets a two count by the way. Blanchard blocks being sent into the ring post and pounds on Lane. A sloppy tight pull sends Lane to the canvas and through the ropes. Blanchard follows out and both men look gassed. Lane gets whipped into the security rail. Blanchard stomps the knee, leg trips Lane, and applies the Figure-Four on the outside. He’s Hardcore! He’s Hardcore! Lane rakes the eyes to escape this time. Back inside we go and Blanchard applies a Sleeper hold. Yep, he’s gassed. Lane escapes easily and goes for a piledriver, but Blanchard back drops out of the attempt. Lane ducks a clothesline and back suplex Blanchard, but both men’s shoulders are down, and Blanchard is able to get his up before thee count at 7:06, getting the cheap win. Too bad he lifted the arm that was on Lane, rendering the pinfall useless. Lane, sportsman of the year, beats on Lane after the match until Blanchard takes him over with a suplex. Damn, I wanted the slingshot suplex. *1/2 Match of the Night most likely. Decent wrestling, but most of it went nowhere, and the finish looked a bit fucked up. I can understand the lack of time though, since Blanchard was sucking wind. A few fans in the front row flash the four horsemen signal at Blanchard.
– The One Man Gang vs. Abdullah The Butcher:
This is probably a Hardcore Match, considering the participants, and Butchers inability to have a match that doesn’t include blading every 20 seconds. Gang attacks Butcher before the bell and hammers away. Gang uses his chain as a weapon, and Butcher looks like he’s bladed already. Choking with the chain from the OMG. More choking, and Butcher indeed is bleeding. Gang’s shirt reads “Join the Chain Gang” meaning WWE should sue him for wearing a shirt 6 years ago. Gang with a chair shot and he bumps Butcher into the post rather weakly. Clubbering and Butchers tits… I mean fat… or tits, jiggle. A LOT. Gang with the chain again, and he continues the pounding on Butcher. Gang with more weapon blows and stomp to the head. Gang squeezes the chain around Abdullah’s face. Butcher eventually comes back and stabs Gang with something. Probably a tiny fork. Gang makes sure to blade as Abdullah wipes his own blood in his mouth. Ew? More forks to the head and Gang is busted. Abdullah be Stabbin~! This goes on a little longer. Ugly elbow drop from Abdullah. They go outside where the match goes to a Count-Out at 7:28. DUD Throwaway garbage brawl to kill time. They continue fighting, beat up some “security guards”, and bleed everywhere.
– “Superfly” Jimmy Snuka (w/ Capt. Lou Albano) vs. “Cowboy” Bob Orton Jr.:
A horrible angle is set up with Bob Orton cheating at cards against Jimmy Snuka and Lou Albano (Who rambles incoherently). 20 years ago this could’ve been a kick ass match, but Jimmy Snuka had maybe 1 good match from 1989-present. I was tempted to make WrestleMania V/Jimmy Snuka jokes throughout the recap, but I was too bored. If you need to know, I’m sure someone can help you out on what I mean. Feeling out process to start, and a lockup into the corner leads to Snuka cheap shooting Orton with a knee ands chops. Irish whip to the corner is reversed, and Snuka comes off the ropes with a cross body. Orton reverses for a two count. Snuka with a inside cradle for a two count. Orton with a clothesline and Snuka rolls outside. Orton with an elbow across the throat sends Snuka back to the outside. Delayed suplex from the apron by Orton, but Superfly ain’t selling i tonight… oh wait, now he is. Scoop slam by Orton followed by some kind of knee drop or whatever for a two count. Knees to the back of Snuka. Irish whip and Orton with a back drop for a two count. Wristlock by Orton, then he turns it into an armbar. This actually lasts for quite a long time, and for me, I’ve been trained to be bored by this. Orton hammers on the arm that he’s working over, but Snuka looks to be dying… or attempting to murder someone. Incredible… the spot finally ended! Orton with a stomp to the left elbow, followed by a knee drop. Cross armbar type of maneuver from Orton. Snooka makes the ropes, so Orton punches him in Orton with some smack talk to the crowd, then goes back to work with punches. Irish whip, and Snuka comes back with a headbutt. Orton looks really out of shape from the angle they just shot him from. Chops from Snuka, and he whips Orton into the corner hard, crotching him on the top rope in the process. Snuka beats on Orton in the corner. Orton applies a headlock, and a shoulder block knocks both men out, with Orton falling on top for a two count (although the referee counted three). Snuka heads UP TOP~!, but Orton crotches him this time. Orton goes up now, but the Superplex is blocked and Snuka comes off the top with a cross body press for the three count at 11:46. * Meh, I’ve seen far worse, and at least they tried to put together a wrestling match, even though it was really slow and plodding. We’ve only got one match left, and we all know which one that is…
– I’ve been neglecting the backstage Interviews all show (since all of them were cookie cutter “I’m gonna hurt you!” promos), but this one truely stands out as a classic for all the wrong reasons. Jake Roberts, one of the best talkers in wrestling, comes in the shot and starts rambling, slurring, and all around making no sense about playing poker and gambling with him, because he cheats and stuff. Then he starts leaning on the guy (who I don’t care to name), and talks about Damien while barely making much sense. Oh boy, what entertainment… Jake Roberts drunk off his ass! IN THE MAIN EVENT! I wish I had tickets to this show… OK, maybe not. For fun, here’s the interview, stolen from Wikipedia.com.
“ (slurs something incoherent)…saying now is this. Ya know…. You’re in a cashino, everybody says well, gosh, a cashino you should gambllle. Let me tell you something, Anvil, you don’t want to play cards with me, because I’ll cheat. Okay, I cheat. You want to play 21, I got 22. You want to play black jack? I got two of those too. You want to play aces and eights? Well, I got some of those too. Bottom line is this. You do not gamble with me … When you walk into a casino, when you want to gamble, the main thing you must do, is this, you must accept losing. I don’t accept losing, and neither does Damien. Damien, my friend! My friend Damien is right here. You don’t want to see this, do you? Let me show you something. I tell you what Anvil, go ahead and roll the dice. Mr. Cameraman, get your ass back up here. Hell-oooo, I’m talkin’ to you. Get that camera back up here. That’s what you should worry about Anvil. The bottom line is this, when the DDT comes, then the snake comes out. Worry about the DDT. DDT! DDT! DDT! DDT! DDT! DDT! THINK ABOUT IT!”
– Jake “The Snake” Roberts vs. Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart:
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, this match is going to be the shit… or maybe it’ll be shit, I don’t know. Roberts comes out, staggering down the ramp. He also has no real ring attire, wearing sweat pants. For some reason, Jake leaves the ring, goes back up the ramp, and then comes back, this time after removing his shirt. Then Jake hits on a woman and makes her feel him up. Oh my God… Jake plays to the crowd, although he looks as if he’s just doing anything he feels. Lockup, and Neidhart goes to a wristlock. Roberts takes forever to counter with an arm drag. I noticed Jake doesn’t even have his boots laced. Lockup into the corner and Anvil gives a clean break. Lockup #3 into the corner, and this time Anvil unloads with a series of rights. Wristlock by Neidhart, and Roberts falls down, probably to throw up. We get plenty of shots of Damien trying to escape the “ominous” green bag he’s in. Hammerlock by Anvil, and Jake escapes with en elbow. DDT attempt is escaped, and Anvil rolls outside. Oh no, here comes the fun part… Roberts takes the snake out of the bag, then proceeds to stick it between his legs, then flaunt it to the crowd as if it were a penis. Oh my… this is so wrong on so many levels. It looks like from the look of the crowd, they are laughing their asses off, or just confused at what the hell is going on. Roberts then passes out in the ring while making out with the snake. Out comes King Kong Bundy, for no real reasons explained, maybe to make sure Jake doesn’t do anything stupid, but that will take forever. Anvil and Bundy seem to share a laugh about Roberts before Neidhart pearl harbors him in the ring. Anvil goes to an INCREDIBLY LONG Chinlock spot. Roberts finally escapes, but gets thrown to the corner. He avoids a charge and hits the short-arm clothesline. Roberts flicks off Bundy on the apron, who distracts a DDT attempt. Bundy comes in now to stomp on Roberts, but no bell rings. Out comes Yokozuna… and HOLY SHIT! He looks like he weighs 1,000 pounds! Seriously, he’s fat enough to fit in two different time zones. His ass sticks out like a fucking air conditioner… even WORSE than in 1996! Oh… GOD DAMN. Yokozuna hammers on Bundy, so Anvil saves. I guess it’s a tag match now. Double stomping in the corner from the Walking Condominium and Anvil. Roberts staggers around outside drunk, ready to puke any minute. Anvil accidentally floors Bundy, and now some bald white guy is at ringside in the heels corner. Maybe he’s the idiot running the show. Looks like it, as he, Anvil, and Bundy have a nice long chat while Yokozuna is in the ring and Roberts is falling down drunk. This is so sad on so many levels. Anvil with a few chair shots on Roberts outside the ring, and Bundy gets in some free shots. Fuck it, I can’t stand this anymore. After Yokozuna gets the hot TAG, Bundy for no apparent reason squashes Roberts with the big Splash to put everyone out of their misery at 16:37. Wow… just wow. Easily the worst match I’ve ever seen. -***** I hate doing that kind of rating, but really, this was horrible in every possible category. Roberts was a fucking mess in their, to the point he shouldn’t even have been allowed to wrestle. Anvil, to his credit, tried salvaging a match out of this, but he’s no miracle worker. The unexplained Yokozuna/Bundy involvement made everyone even more confused than Roberts’ actions, and the fact they didn’t deliver with the advertisement main event of the fat guys 1-on-1 is another way to piss me off. Not that I wanted to see that to begin with, but you understand. 1999 hosted some horrible matches, but this took the fucking cake.
End of PPV, as we don’t get any kind of farewell or explanation of the Yoko/Bundy match not happening.
