The Name on the Marquee: Bloopers, Bleeps, and Bodyslams! (1985)

-One of the surprisingly hot shows on television in 1985 was “TV’s Bloopers and Practical Jokes,” in which co-hosts Dick Clark & Ed McMahon gave home viewers a weekly dose of soap opera actors stuttering interspersed with celebrities playing wacky pranks on their co-stars. Always one to cash in on a fad, the WWF released “Bloopers, Bleeps, and Bodyslams,” a collection of wacky moments from 1984-85, but lacking the practical jokes of “Practical Jokes,” presumably because a pro wrestler’s idea of a practical joke isn’t really something well-suited to home video release. I don’t know, it’s just hard to imagine the WWF releasing a collection of segments in which Dynamite Kid takes a dump in Mr. Fuji’s hat.

-Your host is Gorilla Monsoon. In a weird moment, we open the tape with outtakes of Gorilla’s introduction.

-Andre the Giant slaps Roddy Piper to the floor during Piper’s Pit. They’re playing the Wrestlemania intermission/John Boy & Billy newsbreak cue here, which leads me to ask if any of my loyal readers know where I can find the full version of that tune.

-We get the ten-man tag from the Spectrum, already reviewed, where Don Muraco rear-ends Andre and almost kills himself in the process.

-Advice to the Lovelorn from Tuesday Night Titans. Freddie Blassie answers the questions. One woman complains that every night that TNT airs, her husband ignores her completely. See, that’s not fair. Given a choice between sex with a woman that you see every single day or “Fuji Bandito,” which would you pick? Another woman complains that her husband practices the moves that he sees on TV matches on her, and the Superfly splash from the top of the dresser really hurts. Freddie suggests opening each show with an unskippable blue-tinted montage of wrestlers falling off ladders as a smarmy announcer reminds us how dangerous it is. Good idea! Letter #3 is a 60-year-old woman who still hasn’t been laid and is looking for a man. Freddie suggests the Tonga Kid because he’s 19 years old and he’s got a lot of life in him. “The Tonga Kid & Maude”—coming soon to a theater near you.

-Iron Mike Sharpe vs. Some jobber…Iron Mike hits the guy so hard that his toupee flops off. The jobber tries to duck out of the ring to put it back on, and Iron Mike, feeling no sympathy for the poor bastard, steals the toupee and holds it up as a trophy.

-Tiger Chung Lee tries to break bricks with karate chops and can’t do it. Vince McMahon & Freddie Blassie both break up watching this and take turns hiding from the camera to laugh at the Chunger.

-Captain Lou Albano appears on “TNT.” During his interview, he talks about the recent decision of the United States to establish full diplomatic relations with the Vatican, arousing concerns regarding the issue of separation between church & state. He also applauds the recent establishment of Medicare in Australia and endorses the many revisions in the program brought about in the Hawke Government…Nah, I’m kidding, I don’t have a clue what the hell Lou is talking about here.

-Tony Atlas & Paul Orndorff have a posedown on “TNT.” Sadly, the ever-present concerns about music licensing mean we are deprived of “Rubberband Man” during the segment. Paul Orndorff wins the prize for bicep & pectoral development, while Tony Atlas takes home the Outstanding Backne trophy.

-The Iron Sheik introduces us to his camel, Claude. Iron Sheik talks about, and I promise you this is not a typo, the camel’s ability to survive for days at a time in the dessert. Vince, Alfred, and Sheik all have trouble keeping straight faces throughout this segment.

-From “TNT,” Kamala meets the world-famous Dancing Chicken…and eats it, as the crowd screams in terror.

-A look at some midget shenanigans…or as I like to call them, midgenanigans.

-Ivan Putski’s polka party…Vince McMahon is absolutely the showstealer in this segment, doing a bunch of high kicks with the most insane, coked-up expression on his face. I believe his dance partner in this segment is Linda, making it doubly special.

-Hulk Hogan makes Lord Alfred vomit on TNT. So they don’t like to have duplicate five-star matches on various DVD sets, but we had to have the British barf-o-rama on two different home video releases?

-Lou Albano dispenses advice to the lovelorn, also seen on his best-of video.

-Cooking with the Wild Samoans, in which Lord Alfred complains about the stench from the kitchen so much that Vince goes to investigate what they’re making. Rejoice, Dr. Demento fans, they’re actually cooking a fish head.

-Captain Lou costs the Samoans the tag team title. They call that the blooper, but I still say the keeper from this tape is when Rocky Johnson just spins around and falls out of the ring for no reason.

-Salvatore Bellomo makes pizza on “TNT.” Your weirdest moment ever sees Vince chastise Alfred for getting powder all over his nose. He then looks at the camera and actually mumbles, “…And probably not for the first time.”

-Adrian Adonis goes to Dick Murdoch’s ranch and falls down a lot to illustrate how unaccustomed he is to farm chores.

-Adrian Adonis takes Dick on a tour of his New York neighborhood. Adrian just walks up to random old people in the neighborhood and calls them names like “Uncle Joe.” One woman looks completely bewildered, while a pair of old men actually go along with the joke and talk to him for a while.

-Luscious Johnny Valiant dispenses advice to the lovelorn, while simultaneously aping both Bobby Heenan and Tony Clifton.

-Andre appears on “TNT” and pantomimes something called “The Fish Song.”

-Cyndi Lauper wallops Captain Lou with her purse.

-The “main event,” so to speak, is the wedding reception of Butcher Vachon. This was a year before Uncle Elmer’s wedding and it’s about a million times funnier. The bride (who keeps her veil over her face the entire time) and groom come over to the gifts to take a look at what their fellow heels have given them, while the heels entertain themselves in the background by throwing champagne corks. Captain Lou gives them an entire box of rubber bands. Freddy Blassie gives the missus a pair of glasses, with a note: “Next time you choose a husband, use these.”

-Time for the toasts. George Steele grunts. Lou Albano yells, “I gotta girl who lives on the hill; she won’t but her sister will!” Jesse Ventura says, “The scum always rises to the top,” which explains the 1998 elections in Minnesota. Sky Low Low picks a fight with Lou Albano. David Schultz gets bleeped and cuts an awesome promo on Vince. Captain Lou Albano keeps yanking Vince’s microphone away from him and belching.

-We cut to a short time later, as Lou Albano is now staggering around with his shirt completely unbuttoned and Sky Low Low slow-dances with the bride. Lou begins dancing with a female midget, and that’s enough to finally make Vince break.

-Time to cut the cake. The bride says she doesn’t like cake, and David Schultz takes matters into his own hands and smashes the cake into her face, and that’s the cue for the pie fight to start. Sky Low Low is the next victim. The minister gets it next. Lord Alfred Hayes gets a pie from Dr. D and looks right into the camera for an awesome horrified sell. Dr. D takes some initiative and goes to Vince and absolutely DRILLS him with the pie, yelling, “I’ve been wantin’ to do that for a looooong time!” Various background players take turns spraying each other with champagne and 7-Up. The wrestlers eventually dismantle the entire reception hall as Vince skids across all the residue on the floor. Adding to all the funny is the hired band just calmly standing in place and playing through the whole massacre.

The end! Let’s all go home and visit Game Show Utopia on our computers now!

The 411: Definitely not one you should rush out and put together a tape trade for, but holy crap, the wedding reception was funny.
Final Score:  3.0   [ Bad ]