The RAW Deal 08.09.04

Hey all, I’m new at this so don’t be rough. I’m young and moist, and remain unassaulted… it’s my first time. Tee-hee. Just let me grab a Kokanee and we’ll get started.

Ross and Lawler kick off the first hour babbling about the card, and I’d be lying if I said I don’t completely tune them out. Apparently they’re doing a contract signing for the ‘Til Death Do Us part match, as if the whole proceeding wasn’t completely illegal anyway. Hello, women’s rights movement? You might want to sent some suffragettes out to picket. Lita can fuck whomever she wants, it’s her chooch.

The Diva Search contestants start the show, and Coach is about to eliminate one of them when Randy Orton makes his grand entrance in a fancy suit. He cuts to the chase and eliminates Chandra, which is nuts because she’s one of the only contestants that has shown any personality. Orton tries to address the feelings of loss and failure deep within and relate them to Benoit’s fear of losing his own title at Summerslam, but she looks pretty cheery as she leaves. Someone might want to leave a note telling her that life actually sucks, even for hot twins.

Orton continues as the rest of the Divas make their quick exit, and generates some of that mad heat, the kind of heat that will get him the world title. Maybe his moveset isn’t the most impressive, but the kid has basic psychology licked and can string a great match out of washed-up crapflingers like Edge. To prove just how good he is, he cocks the eyebrow during the tirade against other, less accomplished 24 year olds than himself. Orton has footage shown from last week of Benoit losing due to the RKO, which brings the champ out. He says that next they will show footage of Orton tapping out, which the dapper contender points out has never happened. Benoit responds by applying the Crossface and making Orton tap out, which suffice to say is major badass.

Six-Woman Tag Team: Molly Holly, Jazz and Gail Kim vs. Stacy Keibler, Nidia and Victoria
It’s important for you to know that this match is brought to you by the most unappealing sequel to the crappiest movie ever. With the whole Diva Search thing going on, the T&A factor of these matches is completely negated, and it becomes painfully obvious just how brutal Keibler and Nidia are in the ring. At least Molly Holly’s painfully unfunny refusal to drop the wig gimmick distracts the viewer from the slipshod trainwreck. Jim Ross and I are equally surprised when Nidia gets the winning pin with a bridge on Molly. Had she even been in the match before?
Winners: Stacy Keibler, Nidia and Victoria

Trish Tratus and Tyson Tomko interrupt their celebration, and make their way to the ring. Trish offers a proposal to the ladies via paper, which everyone agrees with and they all make their way to the back.

Video package highlights the Eugene/Triple H feud and Willy Regal’s involvement, specifically the sledgehammer shots and the sick stretcher bump.

Alien vs Predator looks bad and all, but you know you’re going to see it. Plus, it provided them with a reason to come out with a deluxe version of the original Predator, which is super sweet.

Eugene tries to encourage Regal to enact vengeance, but the old codger advises they take the cautionary route and remain in the hotel until Eugene’s match later. Since he’s a retard and them retards don’t listen, Eugene sneaks out.

SmackDown Recap. As far as I’m concerned, Cena/Van Dam was better than it had any right to be, Angle/Haas was kinda cool, Paul London is awesomer than cream cheese icing, the Spike Dudley turn was more obvious than the ending of the Village, and Orlando Jordan turn was really weird. Midgets haven’t been funny since Time Bandits.

As the world turns back to Raw, Lita reveals that Matt Hardy isn’t the father of her baby, so it must be Kane’s. Personally, I think it’s the lovechild of the cameraman that manages to be in every single dramatic moment through the course of this storyline. Sure, suspension of disbelief is a requirement for the backstage cameras in professional wrestling, but there’s a line that shouldn’t be crossed anyway, and this angle crosses it every week. As an aside, I’d like to know if the science of that works… would a paternity test work in the first trimester?

When the commercial break returns, the worst angle currently playing out in sports entertainment continues as Jim Ross presides over the contract signing of the ‘Til Death Do Us Part match. To cover the important details of the contract: No matter who wins at Summerslam, this travesty will continue for months after. Kane signs immediately, and then Matt waits a bit before he signs. Sad how cool he was on SmackDown, and how boring he is on Raw. Matt then knocks Kane out and throws chairs around. Someone needs to take away his badge.

I like those Olympic Summerslam ads, if only because there’s a different one every week.

Diva Search: Joy and her jugs love ice cream. I’d like to note that I typed that out before she smothered the stuff all over her ta-tas. Amy eats, which is pretty cool because most attractive women don’t eat… ever. Carmella proves that trucker hats can still work, but she has no personality at all. Tracie’s shamelessness knows no bounds. Maria licks, but doesn’t go the full monty and deep throat it. Christy goes absolutely nuts. Who keeps voting for that psycho? Maria, as always, is just kinda there… and hot.

Non-Title: Edge vs. Chris Jericho
One hour in, and here’s our second match of the evening. This match will be a whole lot more appealing in about a month’s time, when Edge’s heel turn is in full swing. Decent commentary from Ross and Lawler for once, comparing the competitors to King Kong and Godzilla. Where’s the Rodan love? The whole match is very methodical, lots of focus on midsection work. Obviously Jericho is working for the Walls, but what is Edge trying to do? Does he still have the Edgelock? Or is he actually setting up for the Spear? That’d be a whole step up for the boy. Both guys lay on the cheap shots, which is par for the course for Jericho but when he cheats it waters down the effect of Edge’s attacks. Edge Spears Jericho out of the ring and we head to a commercial break.
When we return, Jim Ross gets to say “complexion” and the match has been grounded again. More back and forth action and Jericho looks to be the worse for wear, even eating boot on a Spear attempt. Edge reciprocates the move theft by applying the Walls of Jericho, but the Lionheart reverses only to get rolled through himself. Jericho kicks out, but it was a neat little nearfall. He attempts a superplex, but Edge reverses into a missile dropkick, but it’s not enough to put him away. After the nearfall fiesta, Jericho avoids a Spear and gets his feet on the ropes for the cheap win. Served its purpose, but Jericho winning legit would’ve done more to push Edge over the brink. Batista annihilates Edge post-match.
Winner: Chris Jericho

Eugene arrives in the arena, and he’s absolutely retarded with anger.

One commercial break later, and he’s made it to the ring to call out Triple H for bloodying Regal. My buddy Travis is here, he’s ever seen wrestling before, and he can’t for the life of him imagine how this angle ever got greenlit. Triple H attempts to direct the boy’s anger right back onto himself, and in a second they’re gonna pan out to reveal that he’s actually in the hotel. Oh, what a shocking development! Regal is bloody, bound and gagged, and he takes a few licks because he’s a good sport.

2 Minute Tag Team Challenge: Brent Albright & Chris Cage vs. Rhyno & Tajiri
For those who don’t know, Albright & Cage are a tag team in OVW and, last I checked, the developmental federation’s tag team champions right now. They’re total jobbers here, but they sell like champs. The pre-match stip here is that if Team Hardcore can win in less than 2 minutes, they will get a shot at La Resistance this Sunday at Summerslam. Not too impressive an accomplishment considering they took care of the champs in about the same time last week in one of the most awesome shit-kickings I’ve ever seen applied to any Quebecers. Rhyno has it won with a Goar, but La Rez distracts the referee so the contenders are robbed of their shot. Just remember, Tajiri, you’re the most underrated guy on the show and you’ve been undercut because of Lita’s baby.
Interference: Robierre Conway, Sylvain Grenier
Winners: No Contest

The Divas do their usual awkward bikini dance, but Trish and Team Skank interrupt the festivities to announce that the seven of them will be taking on the seven Diva Search hopefuls in a dodgeball match at Summerslam. That’ll be embrassing, but fun and over quickly. Too bad they couldn’t announce that months ahead so they could have a few weeks of funny sketches, but the nature of the Diva Search prevents that possibility. Well, that and the fact that the best movie of the summer so far consisted entirely of those jokes… and nobody should ever throw a wrench at Carmella DeCesare.

Tag Team: Chris Benoit & Eugene vs. Randy Orton & Triple H w/Ric Flair
Benoit jaw-jacks a little before the match, and displays some actual personality when he announces that Eugene is gone so he’s gonna go it alone. I smell shades of Undertaker vs. A-Train & Big Show from WrestleMania XIX.
Winner: No Contest

Handicap: Chris Benoit vs. Randy Orton & Triple H
I don’t need to point out the irony here. Benoit is a house afire to start until he gets dropped to his little wolverines by Triple H in a desperation move when the Crippler went up to the top ropes. After months of dominating fools all over, Benoit displays that he can still take a beating like a Cruiserweight. Flair gets some cheap shots in on the outside, which may be totally unnecessary as the champion is being drawn and quartered already, but it’s okay because he’s fucking Ric Flair. This has an adverse affect though, as Benoit fights back, knocks Hunter right out of the ring and puts Orton into a Sharpshooter. Orton escapes and goes for an RKO, but that turns into a Crossface and Flair’s had enough. He breaks up the count and draws the disqualification.
Winner: Chris Benoit via DQ

Triple H Pedigrees Benoit and looks to follow with a chairshot, but Eugene makes the big save, driving his Summerslam opponent out of the ring and hitting Orton with a Stone Cold Stunner, as if I wasn’t convinced enough that he was going to lose.

Good hard sell, the non-fan I was watching the show with actually gave the show a thumbs-up. As a show I felt it suffered from the hard sell mentality, but the pre-PPV show always does. So, in effect, I have said nothing.